Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Off My Chest

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Off My Chest
j0nd03
Neophyte
Member # 43957

Icon 1 posted      Profile for j0nd03     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi, Im an 18 year old male experiencing what I believe to be a terrible case of PTSD. I am a male, and around the age of 10, I met a boy who lived across the street from me. I was always sexually curious and he seemed to be too, although he seemed to know much more than I did- within months we were regularly performing oral and manual sex with eachother...And I enjoyed it at the time.

Currently, I am certainly not gay, and have since then had relationships with several young women, but I have always found myself extremely nervous about the topic of sex. I openly received oral sex from several of my girlfriends, but have not yet lost my virginity, and get very nervous about it. And now, I find myself even more nervous, and wonder how I ever got "so far" with the girlfriends that I did. I am so scared as to what could be wrong with me, and am finally ready to admit that it may have something to do with the sexual relationship I took part in as a child. When I think back on what happened, I immediately regret it and feel embarrassed, and have very anxious feelings about no one else (other than the other boy) knowing what happened. To make matters even worse, the boy whom I had the relationship with was proven guilty of sexually molesting a 5 year old girl he was babysitting on several occasions years ago. I am extremely stressed about my sex life, and just want to be normal. I found this board through a night of total anxiety, and hope that it can give me some sort of relief from my horrible distress. Is it the relationship I had with another male in my younger years which currently prevents me from comfortably enjoying sex with potential partners? How can I move on and relieve my extreme anxiety?
Any answers are greatly appreciated.

Posts: 2 | From: Kansas | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cara K
Peer Educator-in-Training
Member # 43195

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Cara K     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi Jondo3,

Several things about this post sent off warning bells for me -- not the least that you chose to post this in the "abuse and abusive relationships" boards. Add on to that the fact that you think you might be suffering from PTSD, and the fact that the other boy has sexually abused at least one person, I have to ask: was the relationship consensual? Was the boy significantly older than you? You said that he was more experienced: did he pressure you into the acts, or did you feel coerced or like you couldn't say no, or did he start performing sexual acts on you or forcing you to perform sexual acts on him without asking you first? If any of the above is true, it would seem that you were most likely sexually assaulted, and that is the source of what you're feeling now, or at least a big part of it.

If you do believe that everything that happened between the two of you was consensual on your end, is it possible that your anxiety is a result of fear regarding your own sexual orientation? You said that you are not gay -- perhaps you feel that your previous experience(s) challenge that in some way, or cause you to question your sexuality?

Whatever the root of your anxiety, whether it be abuse, insecurity about your sexual orientation, or something else entirely that I haven't thought of, I think it's very, very important for you to know that you have no reason to be embarrassed. If you did not consent to the activity, you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, because abuse is never your fault. Remember that physical arousal or enjoyment is not the same as consent, and even if you did get physical pleasure from something that wasn't consensual, that doesn't in any way mean you "wanted it." And if you did consent, there's also nothing to be embarrassed about -- childhood sexual experimentation is normal, and when consensual entirely healthy. It also doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your sexual orientation -- children that we experiment with as children may or may not be of the same gender(s) that we find ourselves attracted to as adults.

Either way, and especially if you do have real reason to believe that you're suffering from PTSD, it might be a good idea to seek out professional help. Healthy sex isn't supposed to be stressful, and there's no reason it has to be -- whatever the underlying cause of your anxiety, you can work through it and have a fulfilling sex life!

I hope that something here might have helped. If you want to discuss any of these ideas or your situation further, that's fine with me!

Posts: 48 | From: Rochester, NY | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
j0nd03
Neophyte
Member # 43957

Icon 1 posted      Profile for j0nd03     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you very much, it helps for me to just hear that it's normal. I would say it was a very prolonged experimental stage between the 2 of us, and I most definitely just have had confused feelings about the fact that it was with another boy. It's strange hearing anti-gay jokes lightly told by friends and knowing that I have in fact performed oral sex to a penis in my lifetime, it certainly causes the most stress during situations like that. Thank you!
Posts: 2 | From: Kansas | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cara K
Peer Educator-in-Training
Member # 43195

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Cara K     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm glad to hear it; yes, experimentation is totally normal, and again, may or may not reflect your adult sexual orientation.

I imagine that friends telling homophobic jokes around you would be very stressful -- while those kinds of jokes are unfortunately very common, they're not at all okay, are a reflection of prejudice, and can cause a whole lot of pain. I know that it's really, really hard to brush off comments like that, but it might help to remember that those "jokes" only work if a person sees something wrong with a man having sexual contact with another man -- and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it at all. Also, homophobic jokes almost always come from a place of insecurity about one's own sexuality and/or masculinity, so at some level they're clearly having anxiety about these issues, too. (Though they shouldn't; in a more equal world, no one would have to worry about such issues at all.)

Posts: 48 | From: Rochester, NY | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3