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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » What's wrong with me? (Page 1)

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Author Topic: What's wrong with me?
renyoj
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I don't know what's wrong with me anymore I don't understand why I keep doing things like this. I mean who goes and has sex with there ex who wasn't a good guy just to get back at a different guy? I don't even remember how it happened, or how we ended up having sex it's just a big blur and I feel like such a freaking idiot for doing it but I keep doing this stuff and then sniping at my friend when he didn't do anything wrong and I'm messed up
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Heather
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renyoj, I'm out for the day, and likely won't be back again until tomorrow evening.

But by all means, choosing to have sex again with someone who has raped you is a very clear signal that you're just not dealing with everything and also need serious help in doing so. Help that's more intensive than a service like ours can possibly give.

I'm not saying you can't still talk and find some support here, you most certainly can (though again, if you want to talk more to me you'll have to hang on for a bit). However, something like this is going to be best as a support for bonafide, in-person help. My best suggestion for you right now is to seek out that help, perhaps by starting with your parents and a clear, honest admission to them that you are in a very deep crisis that you just cannot handle.

I know it's not easy to do that, and I know that carries its own stress, but I am very deeply concerned that you are putting off help that you just need and are not going to be okay without. I'm also very concerned you are going to keep compounding your trauma, and find yourself with more and more traumas to manage -- perhaps to a point of no return -- to a level that no person can do with one friend and once a week of counseling, okay?

Obviously, I can't make you do that, and all of that is going to be up to you and involve making some choices that really, truly are in your best interest and in the interest of you healing, not staying stuck or harming yourself further. So, the best I can do is to just encourage you to do that and hope you can realize this is not about you being an idiot, but about you being in way over your head with what you can manage alone or with a very limited support system.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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renyoj
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I didn't know it was going to be him but I did because Cayt said I should stop being such a witch and he said he wouldn't do anal if I had sex with him which obviously wasn't true. It was either do it or sit there until she was ready to go and watching him do stuff and he would've got mad.

I can't talk to them I can't or to Trevor hardly anymore. Anytime I do or they hear what's been going on they look like they're going to puke because why the hell did this or that happen. It was like that at the hospital yesterday and I don't like it. Talking about how I'm all messed up with my butt and everything, 'Well how'd that happen?' He shoved his penis down there, or put his hand in there, and they want to throw up. The crap I do makes them sick and they don't even know the half of it and I want it to stay that way or they'll just hate me quicker.

It's the same wtih Trevor on certain things, makes him want to puke. Acts like he wishes it was him but still turns me down, and anyways according to him I'm just as bad as my ex and them, and I'm freaking crazy for going out, or doing this, or listening to that. They can't just talk to me or listen to me because they're already too involved. And then if I did tell him everything, everything, I wouldn't have any friends but Cayt and I don't want that.

And now I've been wondering if this is how Caden felt before he killed himself crazy

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atm1
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Renyoj,

I agree with Heather that this is a crisis that is rapidly spiraling completely out of control.

In situations like these, sometimes the best thing to do is to go to a hospital and check yourself in. There, you can have some time with counselors and get a break from living at home and everything for a few days. They will admit you if you say that you are afraid of hurting or killing yourself, and it can be a safe place to be for a little while. You can make sure that you get the help you need and that you have counselors to talk to *right now*. Does that sound like something you can do?

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renyoj
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So what now everything thinks I'm crazy you and my parents and Trevor and everyone else I'm not crazy I'm not
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Heather
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No one said anything about anyone being crazy. And just to be clear, we do have plenty of users who have or have had psychiatric issues before (I also have a parent with psychiatric conditions), and that term isn't one we like to use here, period.

Rather, what was being suggested was that you might try and really think about if you are safe for yourself right now. Our feeling that you aren't is based on what you have posted here, including your own statements that you don't understand why you are doing the things you are and why you seem to keep putting yourself in harm's way.

If and when someone finds themselves in that position, that person needs external help. After all, if you could just do all of this yourself, you wouldn't be here, wouldn't keep finding yourself struggling with all of this, wouldn't have things continue to escalate as they have.

Admitting yourself into some kind of safe environment is one way to get that help and get a break so you CAN get back to a space where you can better keep yourself safe and make the choices you feel good about and which don't distress you. Another option is to fill everyone in your support circle in so they can work with you to collectively create that kind of environment without you going into a hospital.

You also need to understand that there are limitations to what a service like this can do and provide, and understand that when you ask for your help and opinion, we give you the best we can, based on our collective basis of experience and knowledge with things like this. Obviously, you don't have to take that advice, and can also seek out other opinions.

But one reason we're suggesting these things is because we have already tried to do what we can to help you out, but it seems pretty clear you either don't want the help you're asking for, just aren't choosing what we suggest, or want to make some of the choices we are suggesting but simply are not able to have the self-control and self-determination you need right now to do that. So, we're necessarily going to suggest the next tiers of help, understand?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kalex
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I don't think you're crazy, and I don't think Heather or atm1 thinks so either. I think you're in a serious situation, and it would be a good idea to get help from people who are nonjudgemental and very good at their jobs. You said that people can't just talk or listen to you because they're too involved, so maybe talking to people who are less involved could help you.
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KittenGoddess
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Woah now...nobody said you were "crazy".

Everybody here just wants you to get the help that you need. When we see any user who reports being in crisis, we suggest that they seek immediate help. Seeking immediate help by checking yourself into a hospital doesn't make you "crazy"...it means that you know that something is happening in your life that's beyond your ability to deal with on your own and that you're asking for help in coping. To me, that sounds pretty darn sane.

[ 09-02-2009, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: KittenGoddess ]

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Sarah Liz

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atm1
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Renjoy, I'm sorry if my first post came across that way. I should make it clear that, while I have never been hospitalized for psychiatric care, many people I care about have been. I have been the one riding in an ambulance called for a suicidal friend, dealt with the doctors, seen what it's like. I know what I am suggesting for you to do, and while I know it's very difficult, it's often the next step of care to suggest, as others have pointed out.

I would not call my friends, and several of my family members "crazy." They needed help. Help that is most easily found in inpatient care.

Just as they weren't crazy, you aren't crazy. You aren't crazy. You just need help. There's a really big difference.

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Heather
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...and if it helps to know, I got inpatient care more than once in my teens.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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renyoj
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My parents came and got me and now they're sending me to Youthfirst because it's what my stupid counselor said and they're making me go I don't want to go and there's not a reason that I should have to I'm already going to a counselor. I didn't even do anything, I just wanted them to leave me alone and now they just choose to send me away and Trevor left after he said he wouldn't and I didn't do anything to him either and I never gave the impression to him that I was going out to have sex so I don't get why he broke his promise which means now I don't have any friends and my parents hate me
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Heather
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I feel pretty confident saying that it doesn't sound like your parents hate you at all: rather, it sounds like they are trying to care for you and find you the help that you need. I can also understand why your counselor suggested this, and I wouldn't view it as being about something you did wrong. It's more likely about the level of help everyone feels you and they need.

(The only programs I can find on the 'net in Texas called that are about sports or GLBT community, so I can't speak to what this facility is or how good it is.)

I'm not sure what Trevor promised, but none of us can ever expect anyone we know to never leave a given place or to not take breaks for themselves, especially when dealing with the kind of deep crisis that has been going on here. In fact, if people were not taking some kind of space for themselves as needed, I'd be even more concerned about all of you. I also don't see how someone not being present at any given moment means they are no longer your friend.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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renyoj
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Well if they didn't hate me they wouldn't be making me go to this stupid place and pretend to care about the program. I didn't hurt myself and I wasn't trying to there's no reason I should have to go there when I can just keep going to my counselor. I can get help without going there, I've been doing everything else like they said so why send me off.

And Trevor said he'd be my friend and not leave me alone or not be friends and obviously he left because of something I did but I don't know why he's upset at me either. He wouldn't just leave me alone without saying something or giving some explination it's either he's not my friend, or he saw the tests I took and really doesn't want to be my friend either way I lose.

I don't have him and I don't even have Cayt cause I made her mad by having sex with my ex boyfriend and got ticked off at me and no one else at school likes me either so what's the point

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Heather
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I'm not quite sure how to respond to you other than being honest and saying that I just don't agree with you on these things.

I disagree that when parents have sound reason to be concerned about a child being in harm -- which I absolutely think you are, as I've made very clear -- them seeking out help when they know they are out of their depth is about hating you. If they hated you, what they'd likely do is figure you're on your own and not try to intervene when you keep harming yourself or putting yourself in harm's way. Or, they'd be doing you direct harm themselves. I don't see either of those things happening.

I also disagree that seeking out sex with someone who has raped you is you not hurting yourself. To my understanding, you also came home the other night appearing to have been beaten up: this, too, doesn't suggest you are keeping yourself safe or can handle things without more help.

To my understanding, it was you who ran off away from Trevor, not the other way around. If you expected him to sit in one place and wait for you when you run off, I don't think that is a reasonable thing to expect of someone. I don't feel it's reasonable to presume someone not to be your friend because they are not there in the moments you want them to be in this kind of situation.

I don't know much about your friend Cayt, save that the last time you spoke of her, it didn't sound like she was being a very good friend to you. However, if you're going to do things like seek out sex with a friend's boyfriend, you certainly can expect friends to be angry with you and feel that you are not being THEIR friend. Again, if you are doing things like this, this says more about what you are doing, by your own choice, to try very hard to keep people from being your friends, not the other way around.

What's the point of what?

[ 09-03-2009, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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renyoj
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If I wanted or felt like it would do me any good then I'd understand them sending me off but I told them it's not what I want I don't want to be with strangers and live in a cell I'd rather stay home or anything else but that. Putting me in a place like that where I can't be me or do normal things or have basic things because I'll hurt myself or something, I don't want that it's not fair to me.

But he didn't rape me that time we just had sex. And yeah I was but it wasn't that bad just a little banged up but that's what I get for doing stupid stuff where I was.

I didn't run from him I wasn't mad at him I was mad at my parents and I can't take what they do all the time like I'm the one who's disgusting because I have sex I'm not diseased or gross I just have sex. Trevor understands that he doesn't care that I do he just wants me to stop he was supposed to be my friend and he's who I should be talking to right now with you and I can't because he doesn't care about me anymore. If he was, then why would he just leave me like that?

She's not, she's not the best friend but she's the only one I had and I didn't even sleep with her boyfriend he's my ex boyfriend she just wants him and she's so freaking insecure she told him a secret I told her that involves him, between that that's how I got beat up.

What's the point of trying to get better. They're sending me off, I've got no friends, I'm possibly having my ex's kid from before we broke up and I have nowhere to go anymore I'm a prisoner here and outside of here

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Heather
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Well, the point of trying to get better is to get better and feel better.

You know, you came here asking for help, and have voiced may times now that you a) are not happy with the choices you are making, b) don't know why you are making them and c) feel like something is very wrong with you. If in all these choices include having sex without using reliable contraception, that's one more poor choice, and one that's not about taking care of yourself, in the list. No one put those words in your mouth, these have been your words. So, when you then, after voicing all of that a lot, say you don't need help and everything's just fine, it doesn't make any sense. When you say you don't need help, it doesn't make any sense because you keep asking for it, and keep making clear you are NOT doing well without it.

(If I misunderstood that you did not go back to the ex who raped you, my apololgies. Based o what you said, it sounded like that is who you had been with.)

More with your words: the person who has said you are disgusting, or thinks you are, is you. Have your parents or Trevor actually said that to you?

I don't know what exactly this place is, but I'd be happy to take a look at it if you want to tell me. I'm doubting, however, you are about to be put in a cell: that seems highly unlikely.

Per Trevor, I don't know what you mean by him "leaving you like that," because you haven't filled me in on what has happened to make you believe that he has, and the last I heard he didn't go anywhere, but rather, it was you who ran away.

To be really blunt, I don't think you're a prisoner. Perhaps of some of your own choices, yes. And I'll give you that I don't think you've been in a space to make choices that are best for you given all that has gone on, but I've also been devoting a lot of time -- when you have asked for it, and help -- trying to make clear that from all I can gather, you need help doing that and cannot do it on your own right now. But you have primarily been resisting, very actively, getting that help so that things CAN get different. In fact, a couple of times when you asked for advice and were given it, you've chosen to do exactly the thing we've told you would likely make things worse or do you harm.

Which gets us to this part: do you really want things to be different or not? Do you want things to get better, or do you want them to stay the same or get worse?

[ 09-03-2009, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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It might also be worth considering this: What do you think IS what you need in order for things to radically change?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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renyoj
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Ok, yes that's all true and I'm messed up. But sending me off I don't see how that will help I just don't. I don't want to open up to my own family so why would I do it with strangers that have complete access to me? And to me, it is a cell. I can't have shoe laces, or ties or scarves or dresses, they make you shave your legs and armpits with someone watching, they watch you when you use a toothbrush and you can't take any of that out of the sink place, you can't have any little item that could possibly be altered so that we can't all kill ourselves. Right now I'm not suicidal so why should I have to be treated like I am, away from people I know, just on the chance that it could get me more therapy? I don't want to feel like that and my parents won't listen.

And it was with the same guy, my recent ex, I was just saying that what happened that night wasn't rape I said ok when I went with Cayt. And about contreception it isn't my fault. He got ticked off if I brought up condoms and refused to wear them, and he got mad at me when he saw that I took birtch control. And I can't take birth control anyway, or I don't like to, because it makes me have a constant period and I can't take cramps. Nothing happened years before that, and I'd rather have had a boyfriend than anything else. I didn't like making him mad, because it affected me, so I just didn't bring it up anymore and he was supposed to pull out anyway. And what's just great about that is that if I am having his kid, I can't do anything about it and I'm stuck with his kid which he found out and got ticked off at too.

They didn't say it verbally, but I know what disgust looks like and it's how they were looking at me. Because he didn't just go out or something, he's not here he's not staying here anymore he took his stuff out and it's like he never was here. He took off, and didn't wait for me so he could explain. He doesn't care about me, he just left. When they brought me back, he wasn't here and it was like this he hates me or he'd be my friend and still be here and not just leave when he promised he wouldn't again he said he wouldn't be like he used to be and he left.

Right now I just don't want to be here I don't want to be me or know me I don't want to be. I don't like being this way, I don't like having to get hurt when I didn't always do something to deserve it but that's all I've got. They're the people that like me, guys I know don't they can't stand me. But I don't want to be with them or have their kids I want someone that says they care and mean it and not just change their minds or find someone else and I hate hating myself I just keep messing up things sometimes.

And I really don't know, I don't cause whatever it seems like I need I do the opposite but I don't know

[ 09-03-2009, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: renyoj ]

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Heather
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Before I say anything else, I need to make clear that I hold people to what they have said, to their words.

Here. Your words. rape. And from the whole scenario with that guy, an emotionally abusive relationship and a rape.

Here's one of the problems I'm having right now. You say no one else's ideas about how to help you, basically, are good ones. But you also don't seem to have any of your own.

As well, you seem very deeply committed to thinking what you think of others, to what your ideas of them or they of you are, even when they say things to the contrary or behave to the contrary. Someone not being at your place when you have been retrieved after running off is not hating you or refusing to be your friend. Again, YOU ran off. That was you. And you need to take responsibility for that rather than trying to make all of this stuff about others. You also need to let go of wanting so bad to leap to the conclusion that you're crap, and thus, other people think so, that you don't listen to what others are saying or even give them the chance to tell you how they are feeling themselves.

I'm not going to go into right now, the fact that there are MANY methods of birth control. Not all of them are hormonal, and not all of them have the same wide effects. If NONE work for you, and you don't want to have a kid, then you have the option of simply choosing not to have sex that carries that risk. Additionally, I don't want to get into partners getting angry when you bring up wearing condoms because YOU have the ability to refuse to have sex with someone who does. If you don't feel safe to refuse that to someone, that again speaks to their abusiveness and/or you choosing to put yourself in situations that are not safe for you.

You may not be suicidal, but based just on what you have posted here, you clearly are self-harming in some ways or are trying to. That is one of the situations where inpatient care is warranted. And again, I know what inpatient care can be like, so please understand when you talk about it that I know. Knowing, it would still be what I'd suggest at this stage of the game for someone who has posted all of what you have here, and that's without knowing any part of your history and actions beyond what you have posted.

It is much too soon for a pregnancy from this last instance, but if and when it is time for a test and you are pregnant, you have all the options available to you all women do. You're not stuck unless you choose to be stuck.

But there really is only so much sense in going over this stuff again and again because I just do not think you are in the headspace to think about it clearly. Once more (with feeling) I think you need help. And I think that your options on getting help right now and going to be a little limited because you're limiting them. For instance, you started the counseling, and that's great, but have still kept doing things like going out with people who are not safe for you, who don't support wise choices on your part, you've run away. In a word, I think you're self-sabotaging. And while it's your right to do that, you have to recognize that when you get in deeper and deeper with all this, and stay on the same path, you lose resources and the ways to get you help become more and more limited.

Here's the kicker: you really kind of have to choose a position here. Either you are fully capable of taking care of yourself and making your own choices and a lot of this is not about other people's fault, but about YOUR choices, for which you take responsibility OR you are not capable of taking care of yourself, and are thus being harmed by all of these other people and need care to keep that from happening. Do you see the conflict here in a lot of what you are saying?

Now, I feel like a lot of what you're saying and doing is coming out of some very valid fear and a very strong want not to admit that a lot of things really are not okay, and some things have been really bad. It can be really tough to really look at bad things that have happened to us, rather than trying to pretend they're not that big of a deal. But you know what I think: I know you do. Nothing you've been saying or doing has done anything per what I think but validate what I have been thinking, which is that you need some serious help, in-person, and probably not the kind you want, but there are just only so many options.

You say that whatever you need you do the opposite, and I agree, that seems to be happening a lot. So, might you entertain the very logical idea that the things you think you do NOT need may be the things you do?

quote:
Right now I just don't want to be here I don't want to be me or know me I don't want to be. I don't like being this way, I don't like having to get hurt when I didn't always do something to deserve it but that's all I've got. They're the people that like me, guys I know don't they can't stand me. But I don't want to be with them or have their kids I want someone that says they care and mean it and not just change their minds or find someone else and I hate hating myself I just keep messing up things sometimes.
Alas, you don't get to not be you: no one has that option. But you don't have to be the you, if you get me, you've been being. You have the capacity, with help, to change both the way you think of yourself and the choices you have been making. You also say you want someone who says they care and means it, and I think you may well have a couple of those people, you just perhaps want their care to look different than it does, or for that care to result in something that it doesn't have to power to. People caring for you, all by itself, can't alter what YOU choose to do and how you care for yourself (or don't). And when you won't take good care of yourself, it's very hard for others to care and continue caring because that becomes very, very painful.

Again, I think you earnestly, really, truly, need the help that is being sought out for you. I wish you had taken much of our advice so far, including seeking that care out for yourself, but that's not what you chose. And now your choices are getting more limited, as will happen when you avoid the better choices. That sucks, to be sure, but it is how it is.

I know a lot of this likely sounds harsh, but I don't see my lying to you being helpful or respectful to you. I also know how it feels to feel very trapped and to keep trying to take flight from really rough stuff. But eventually, you hit a wall: it's what happens, and that's if you're lucky. When you're not lucky, you fly off that cliff, instead. You know what that looks like, after all, you talked about how your friend in crisis could have changed things, could have gotten better help, but either didn't or didn't have the resources to. You do.

So, what are you going to do with that? Are you going to use it the way you would have wanted him to, you've said you would have wanted him to, or are you going to become someone else's friend like that? Because I do think that's the thin line you're starting to skate.

[ 09-03-2009, 05:03 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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renyoj
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I don't mean it like their not good ideas, that's not what I'm trying to say at all. I wouldn't be trying them if I thought they weren't good, and some of them I'm doing. You said counseling, and just staying friends with Trevor, talking to my parents, I've been or been trying to do all of that. The stuff I''ve done with having sex with my ex and anything else I haven't done, yeah that's all on me. I was mad and ticked off, and for whatever reasons I figured it would help me out and make me feel better. But I'm not trying to say your ideas are bad, or anything similar to that, I just don't think things through. And the only reason I'm upset about him leaving is because he said he wouldn't, and the fact that he knew I wasn't upset at him or determined to go and make things worse for me. I was mad at my parents, and we were at my parents house, and talking there wouldn't have done any good. I'd still be mad at them, and be around them.

I know there's a lot, but medically the only options I was given were the shot or pills because I haven't had a pregnancy before. I don't know if that's true or not, it's just what I was told and I tried them both and none of it worked. I know there's condoms, and spermicide and sponges and cups and all of that was really obvious. I know there's more, but there's no point. And yeah, that's true and it was stupid to do but it's not how I think. I wanted a boyfriend, and I've been dumb enough to go along with a lot of idiotic ideas and stuff to have that because it made me feel better to know someone likes me enough to claim me as their girlfriend. That made me feel good, and it's stupid. Refusing would've ended me up worse, which yeah is abusive so that's my fault with dealing with that too.

I'm not suicidal and I haven't been hurting myself aside from having sex with my ex. I don't cut or pull my hair out or punch walls or anything like that, I guess it's just making stupid choices that get myself hurt. But I can avoid that without having to go to that place. I mean what if I tried finding someone in there, what then? And I'm not trying to say all places like that are horrible and bad, I just know what's going to be happening and I'm scared, I don't want to be there. I don't want to go to the hospital saying I'm suicidal just to get that kind of care either. I don't want to be sent there, I don't want to be by myself doesn't that make sense? Even if it does help, if I didn't have to go alone I wouldn't care I'd go. I'm mad at them but I don't want my parents to ditch me either.

And I know it is, and it wouldn't be from that I just noticed I haven't had my period for a while and if I am it would be from a time before me and him broke up or he dumped me so I don't think it's from now. I'm just hoping I'm stressed out. And I know I do, but my parents aren't very pro abortion and neither am I but I don't think I could stand that if I was pregnant.

And I have been screwing myself up like that, but I'm not trying to make it that way. I didn't plan or organize any of those things, not even the running off really it was just a stupid reaction and I didn't think and did something stupid. But Cayt's never put me in trouble, or Trevor recently he didn't know anything at the party, or my parents. And I don't even know why I would be sabotaging myself, I know I don't like this but I don't have any idea why I'm doing this I don't. Me being a different me in the way you said it, it's not like that for me I don't think. I mean I've always been the way I am now, I didn't like myself before I dated and it wasn't different when I was dating. Of course before there wasn't any sex or abuse or anything like that, but I'm still me. I don't like me and don't want to be me, that's how it was when I'm dating just with the other stuff added in. So I don't know how to be anything but this, and I don't know how to change that when even if I was completely away from the opposite sex I'd still think the same way I think you know? And I know, my parents and everything, but a friend or boyfriend they don't have to care. Especially boyfriends, they can change on a dime but they choose to love you and care about you. Parents care, but it's their job. I don't want someone to care just in that way though, because the other way it matters how you are that people care about you.

I don't want to do that and I don't really think I will. But even if I did, I wouldn't be someone's friend like that. I wouldn't even get as far as he did with me, because I really don't think Trevor's coming back, and Cayt hates my guts now. My parents would probably just feel a little relieved, they'd be sad I guess, but it's the same idea to me as the having to care or choosing to. Which I guess they do choose to, but parenting is a pretty innate thing. The only reason I would if I wanted to, is getting sent to that place and knowing for sure I'd have his baby and even then I don't know if I'd care enough. Don't worry though, my parents already suspect that I'm suicidal I'm being watched.

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KittenGoddess
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renyoj,

I've not had time to completely review the conversation here and I'm single parenting this evening (so may not have the ability to do so right this second)...so please understand that I'm speaking from a position of not having considered the entire conversation...

However, in looking at your recent post, I'd suggest to you that doing an in-patient treatment program is not about people ditching you or you being alone. It's about your being in a place where you can focus on YOU and can get the help you need. It's about being with people who have the resources to help you and being with people who may be in a similar situation so that you can be supportive of one another. In fact, when it comes to some needs, many people are on waiting lists hoping to get into in-patient programs. Some folks save money for long periods of time to be able to afford in-patient treatment. Why? Because in many cases it can be much more effective than outpatient treatment.

I understand that you're hurting because of how you perceive your family and friends to have reacted, but I'd suggest you consider a couple of things there as well. First, have any of them actually told you that they are disgusted or that they don't like you? It seems to me that you're putting words into their mouths there. They may not even know that you are perceiving their reactions this way. As to Trevor...someone saying that they "won't leave you" can mean a TON of different things. It's not necessarily reasonable to expect somebody to hang around when you've run off, etc. They don't know what you're planning on doing or how long they might be waiting. It almost seems like you're setting up somewhat of a test here that it's awfully hard to pass for him. Along with that, even friends and family get to make choices about what is safe and healthy for THEM as well. While we need folks who stand by us during our time of need, we also have to remember that if the situation gets too scary or unhealthy for them, they get to dictate their own terms as well. Even if they love us and care very much. So I'd also suggest that his not being there when you got back does not absolutely mean that he doesn't care for you.

quote:
I don't like me and don't want to be me, that's how it was when I'm dating just with the other stuff added in. So I don't know how to be anything but this, and I don't know how to change that when even if I was completely away from the opposite sex I'd still think the same way I think you know?
You know, part of getting help, getting treatment is learning how to like yourself. You may not have known anything but this way of being...but that doesn't mean that things MUST continue to be that way. You have a choice...to get help and get healthy. With some help in sorting out what's going on, you absolutely can like yourself.

If you haven't had a period in a while and may have had a risk prior to this, then it's likely time to take a pregnancy test as well. We'd be happy to talk with you about what to do if that test were to come up positive.

[ 09-03-2009, 08:12 PM: Message edited by: KittenGoddess ]

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renyoj
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But I see it that way. If they love me so much and want to help then they wouldn't send me somewhere that I've been begging them not to send me, or at least give me an alternative to that. I ran away, yes, and did stupid things before that, but I've been doing the stuff they've asked like the counseling and talking to them yet they don't want or can't deal with it so they send me off? It's not fair to me, and I can't legally just not go if they do it. And a lot of those places seem to do group therapy, right? I don't want that and I don't care, I'll refuse to do it. If I have to talk to a counselor, fine, but why to all these people I don't know? I don't know, it's just I really don't like the idea of going I really really don't, it's like I'm going to puke when I think about it I don't want to go there.

No, they haven't verbally said that to my face but they're all very open with their faces and I can see the looks they give me which basically scream that I'm disgusting. When they were at the hospital with me, and when I had to talk about my ex doing stuff to me. It's the casual sex, and types of sex, and they know I do it and they know in detail what happened and they can't stand it and I'm the one letting it go on, not all neccessarily from the rape, so I'm the one that would be perceived as gross. And I know it does, but he said he wouldn't. Not neccessarily just physically no, but he didn't just leave physically. I have no idea where he is, he hasn't talked to me at all, and he never said he was leaving even in a text message, and to me that's just flat out leaving me you know? He said he was different and I guess he was but if he was completely then why'd he go? Which I guess that's because of me so it's my fault.

Even with help it'd take years and who wants to do that? I'd rather just hate myself and not care and die at 25. Besides, what if I don't even like the different me either? Then what? I mean right now, and up until now, I have had no reason to like me at all so how will that change if history stays the same? I don't understand it I guess, but that's why I'm where I'm at. But really, all I have to my name is being sexually open, been in all abusive relationships, seeking attention and affection through those relationships, and giving up anything I had to make those relationships work. And I already had taken some, one positive and the other was basically half and half. But they were generic and I probably screwed the tests up somehow so I don't know if they're right or not. But that's what I had intended on telling my ex, but I had sex instead. Found out anyway.

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KittenGoddess
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Do you feel like you could let your family know that you're perceiving disgust from them and talk about that? Especially when we've got so much going on inside ourselves, we can misread people. If they know what you are feeling, they might be able to better respond to reassure you.

Part of getting healthy, for anyone, is CHOOSING to see the help that's offered in a way that will let them get healthy. In other words, if you're not committed to changing the way things are...no matter what you have to do to make those changes...then no, you're not going to be able to change the way things are for you. You've got to truly buy-in before anybody is going to be able to help you. Group therapy can often be very helpful. For sure, it's reassuring to be with others who are in a similar place as you. But if you don't feel like it's something you're in a place to do, nobody would make you share. Often, one of the best things about in-patient care is that it can be tailored to what your individual needs are. It's about getting away from all of the other crap, not having to deal with any of that, and being able to focus totally on you and on getting healthy. Often we need that space to be able to get things sorted out.

Per your pregnancy test, that is something you want to get a sure answer about ASAP. So, two choices here...either head to a health care provider for a test or get another HPT. If you get an HPT, get one that you're confident you can use and read correctly. Since it sounds like it's been well more than 14 days, you might even consider getting one of the digital ones since those are about the easiest to read. Make sure to check the instructions and then take the test. If you are indeed pregnant, you want to figure that out right away because the longer you go, the fewer options you have.

[ 09-03-2009, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: KittenGoddess ]

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Sarah Liz

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Karybu
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This is going to be a bit disjointed, but bear with me.

quote:
But I see it that way. If they love me so much and want to help then they wouldn't send me somewhere that I've been begging them not to send me, or at least give me an alternative to that. I ran away, yes, and did stupid things before that, but I've been doing the stuff they've asked like the counseling and talking to them yet they don't want or can't deal with it so they send me off?
I don't think it's quite as black and white as you're making it out to be. It seems pretty clear that while you have been going to counseling, that isn't really enough for you right now. Caring for someone sometimes means doing things that person may not want. To put it bluntly, the way you see things is not the only way to see things.

In-patient treatment is not all rainbows and roses. But sometimes it's really the best option, and it can be such a relief. I've been through it, others here have as well. Maybe thinking about it like this will help a bit: when you're sick, with a bad cold or the flu or whatever, generally the best thing to do is take a break from things for awhile, to give yourself a chance to recover. Trying to keep going with life as usual usually means that you'll take longer to get better. It's sort of the same deal with in-patient treatment programs - they give you a break so that you can focus on healing, moving forward, figuring things out.

quote:
No, they haven't verbally said that to my face but they're all very open with their faces and I can see the looks they give me which basically scream that I'm disgusting. When they were at the hospital with me, and when I had to talk about my ex doing stuff to me. It's the casual sex, and types of sex, and they know I do it and they know in detail what happened and they can't stand it and I'm the one letting it go on, not all neccessarily from the rape, so I'm the one that would be perceived as gross.
There's a difference between thinking what someone does is gross or disgusting and thinking that person as a whole is disgusting. A big difference.

quote:
Besides, what if I don't even like the different me either? Then what? I mean right now, and up until now, I have had no reason to like me at all so how will that change if history stays the same?
It isn't like your history just stops right now, and that's all you get to be associated with from now on. Your history gets added to every day, you know? And if you change things, if you work at becoming someone you do like (it's not as if you get handed a new personality and if you don't like it, tough; you get to choose who you become) then all that becomes part of your history too.

Per the pregnancy tests, if you got a positive result then that's also something you need to deal with. If you want to talk about options with that, we're happy to help.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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renyoj
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I tried, without being too obvious or blunt I guess. Just said that the details were hard to hear, didn't know what to think. Which fine, I get that. But it's not like I really wanted to do the disgusting things, but since I'm so casual about sex from what they know they wouldn't think like that. They're too goody goody when it comes to sex, I know the crap I do isn't all great but some things that are sexual are commonplace now.

So if I didn't want to do that they couldn't make me? What about like 'activities' they get everyone to do together, can I turn those down too? Just do normal counseling there?

And I looked at the Abortion Laws thing on this site, it was some kind of link? Well it says parents permission is required, so I'm assuming there's no way around that? I saw the HPT thing, and I'll probably just do that. But my parents don't know, and I don't want them to know. But I used up the last bit of my birthday money on buying the last two so how would I be able to ask her for money without saying for what exactly? And I texted Trevor just to see, but he hasn't texted me all day so I don't know if I'd expect him to now.

[ 09-03-2009, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: renyoj ]

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Karybu
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No one can make you do any activities you don't want to. As KittenGoddess said, in-patient care is usually very tailored to the specific person; you can absolutely make it clear that you are not comfortable with group counseling or activities.

Minors in Texas do require parental consent for an abortion, but there are some ways around that: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/setexas-abortion/texas-abortion-laws-28992.htm

The first thing to do though, is have your positive test result confirmed by a health care provider, or take another home pregnancy test.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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renyoj
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So I really can't get in trouble for not wanting to do certain things there? And I do have another question I guess, I only know from a few people what this place is like but I mean what am I going to be on suicide watch too when I'm there?

I looked at the link, how would you do a Judicial Bypass? And what would be the likely chances of getting permission for the abortion, I don't imagine it could just be 'I don't want a baby' right? And what if insurance doesn't cover it either, then I'd have to go to my parents and then just not have one. I'm trying to get another test, I'm trying to think of an excuse to buy something that isn't neccessarily something they have to see after I get that's around ten dollars.

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Karybu
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No, you can't get in trouble. As for whether you'll be on suicide watch, that's up to the staff to decide.

Unfortunately, I don't know much about the Judicial Bypass, other than the fact that it is possible in Texas. Maybe someone else here will have some information, or you could call Planned Parenthood and ask them for a more detailed explanation of how it would work.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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renyoj
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Well I don't want to go if I'm on suicide watch, I'm not suicidal I just don't like me there's a difference.

I guess I'll try looking it up today and maybe I can find something. I still need to get another test first though, just haven't worked out how. And I just tried looking it up, and from it says in the first couple of sites I won't be able to use that option. They have to decide if I'm mature enough to make my own decesions like that, and they won't believe that I am.

This is what I don't get, I tried to use some kind of something so I couldn't get pregnant, and he always got ticked off. Tell him I'm pregnant and he's the maddest he's ever been it doesn't make sense.

And Trevor still isn't talking to me, or come by or anything even though I've sent him a billion messages and everything. And my parents are still dead set on sending me off

[ 09-04-2009, 06:52 AM: Message edited by: renyoj ]

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atm1
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Often, partners sabotage birth control as a way of maintaining control over a partner--not because they actually want a child. So I'm not really surprised he prevented you from using birth control methods and is now angry. That generally fits with what abusive partners will do.

If you really can't get a pregnancy test and your parents do send you off, you could likely get a pregnancy test at the inpatient care facility. You just need to make sure that you ask *medical staff* and make sure to tell them that you know it should be confidential and kept from your parents (which it absolutely should). Depending on the facility, it might actually be standard practice to do a pregnancy test around arrival time (some places administer medication--not that they would to you--but it's important to know about pregnancy before that).

I'd still strongly suggest taking one on your own before you go, though.

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renyoj
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I guess so, but it doesn't make any sense especially if they get mad about it. And I don't want his kid, but even if I could do Judicial Bypass I don't have any money to pay for it and I won't be getting that kind of money any time soon. And if I can't get a pregnancy test then my mom will find out eventually anyways too. And then the abortion option goes out the window alltogether and I'm screwed.

But what will they do if that's what happens? Especially if I do want an abortion, they'd have to notify them then wouldn't they? And if not, then what? I don't know how long I'll be there, heck by the time I'm not it could be really too late for an abortion if I can't just leave any time.

I know it says I have to go before a judge but I don't even think my reasons would constitute enough maturity or fair choice about an abortion. I mean it's my fault for getting pregnant if I am, since I didn't just not have sex. I don't know, just from what I read it doesn't seem like I'll likely get approval from a judge and that's the only choice I've got.

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atm1
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You know, I hesitate to call pregnancy your fault if it's the result of an abusive partner (and rapist) refusing contraception.

You might find that you parents are more supportive than you think. Often parents have different reactions to a situation than you'd expect them to. While they might think abortion is wrong, they may not believe that it is wrong for you in this situation. Your parents are clearly worried about you and believe that you are experiencing a very severe crisis--they might also believe that carrying a pregnancy to term would really harm you right now and support you. It's really hard to say exactly how they will react.

There are ways to get funding for the costs--some groups specifically provide funding to women seeking abortions, and we can help you look into that if you are in fact pregnant.

When are your parents talking about sending you to the facility? Today? Also, have you been going to school through all of this, or not? (I'm just trying to figure out your logistical situation).

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Heather
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I'm just waking up, and have to manage a family crisis this morning, but the reason why I said it was too early for a pregnancy test was because I presumed you were talking about your last few risks (which it would be too early for).

For anything before that, when you went to the hospital both times, and absolutely with your rape kit, you already would have been tested for pregnancy.

Additionally, when they do your intake for the inpatient center, pregnancy testing is also often a standard protocol.

[ 09-04-2009, 09:41 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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renyoj
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Yeah he was abusive, but they'd just say that I should've got someone else involved and got away from him. Which still leans towards me not doing all that I could've to get away, because I didn't want to get away. And I know they'd be supportive, but I really don't think they'd let me go through with an abortion especially since if I really am and everyone's tests are wrong then it would've happened before he acted the way he did so I didn't get pregnant from getting raped. And even if it would help me, I still don't think they'd like it. If they did let me go through with it, they'll be awkward with me forever since they're living with a murderer and I don't want that either.

We're supposed to be going to my counselor Monday, and then have me in that place right after. I don't know though they haven't told me anything else but that. And I was, except for the last two days and I have no idea how school's going to work with this whole thing.

So they use good tests, not the regular kind you can just buy anywhere? I didn't take any of their medicine though. So come Monday or whenever they make me go I'll know 100% even though I'm guessing I already know the answer? What are they going to do with me then if they had to know?

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Heather
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I'm very perplexed: if this IS about a risk not in the last two weeks, you would have had a pregnancy test done when they did your rape kit. That's just absolutely something always done. Same goes for when you were most recently at the hospital.

That given, if it was negative then, there's just no need for another one now unless you want to check from your most recent risks, in which case you'll want to wait another week or more.

I don't think it makes sense to invest time right now talking about pregnancy options because a) if those rape kit pregnancy tests did not come out positive, you are not pregnant from any of those previous risks, and b) if this is about the last few times you may have had a risk, it's much too early for that conversation.

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