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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » I am in an abusive relationship?

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Author Topic: I am in an abusive relationship?
pantokrator
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He is extremely jealous. He doesn't like me having guy friends and he gets mad when I do ANYTHING other than hang out with him. He cannot handle the fact that he can't be involved in every aspect of my life. He even gets mad at me when I go visit my parents because I "stay too long".

He claims to support my academic goals to double major and become a doctor yet he guilt-trips me about studying late into the night or studying in general when he thinks I should be with him.

He still talks to his exes and has female friends and I have no problem with it. Yet, the s*** hits the fan if I even mention running into one of my exes let alone maintaining a friendship with any of them.

He has kind of low self-esteem and he expects me to fix that. And when I say that that's something he needs to fix on his own, he says that I'm cruel.

Whenever we fight, he knows what buttons to push to make me emotionally crack and let him have his way. . . and push said buttons he does. He is a debater and knows how to argue properly, yet, whenever we argue he just tries to make me feel as terrible as possible so that I will let him have his way. He also rarely apologizes. I can count the number of times I've gotten my way on one hand.

Yet, when he isn't doing any of the aforementioned behaviors, and when I do spend time with him, he is the nicest sweetest guy ever. He writes me love notes and we have cutesy pet names for each other and he goes waay out of his way to try to make me happy.

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Ecofem
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Hey pantokrator,

From what you describe here, your boyfriend definitely sounds abusive to me in many, many ways. I'd be glad to outline each reason in detail, if you're interested.

quote:
Yet, when he isn't doing any of the aforementioned behaviors, and when I do spend time with him, he is the nicest sweetest guy ever. He writes me love notes and we have cutesy pet names for each other and he goes waay out of his way to try to make me happy.
This is actually quite typical for abusers: they have a honeymoon phase where they pile on the sweetness. However, that doesn't excuse the horrible behavior the rest of the time... or ever for that matter! After all, if he were *just* mean/abusive, you probably wouldn't have stayed in the relationship. You've done nothing wrong, but I know you deserve to be treated better.

I know it's a hard place to be in and a hard realization to swallow. I am going to link some articles for more information and then open up the conversation. How does this all make you feel? What do you feel like doing? Have you talked about his behavior with any friends or family members? I'm going to sleep now but will be back tomorrow.

Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
Advice from an Abuse Survivor
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For
Safer Sex...for Your Heart
http://www.scarleteen.com/resource/crisis/loveisrespect_national_teen_dating_abuse_helpline

[Btw, it's so cool that you want to become a doctor! [Smile] I would love to have become one but math and science are just not my forte. What made you interested in the medical field? What are your two majors? And for what it's worth, I'm a terrible debater myself; well, maybe I'm ok at it but I hate debating things, I prefer harmony myself. [Wink] And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that, I don't have to always defend my statements or look to get involved in unwanted loaded discussions.]

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Ovan
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Yes, I would consider this an abusive relationship.

There are many warning signals here that this is not a good relationship. He is controlling/manipulating you by making you feel guilty about things you shouldn't be feeling guilty about. Although he has not physically abused you(at least i hope not) he is abusing you emotionally. This is not someone who cares about your well being.The only reason he is nice when you spend time with him, is because you're giving him what he wants. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but this is a relationship you should really consider getting out of.

One of my family members is in this exact situation right now, and it has escalated to such crazy proportions. And despite everything he's done, and all the times he's beaten her, he always coaxes her back. It's just so sad.

Here's a pretty good page to look at:
http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm

I wish you the best [Smile]

--------------------
Not in cruelty
Not in Wrath
The Reaper came today
An Angel visited this gray path
And took the Cube away.....

Posts: 12 | From: California | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
pantokrator
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I cried after reading the "Blinders Off" article because it sounds just like my relationship. My friends and parents have told me that they're concerned about me and my relationship but I've always brushed it off and thought that "they just don't understand" or "they're just jealous". My room mate/best friend has even told me "he is manipulative, controlling, and abusive. you need to get out NOW" and I don't listen because I'm so quick to defend him especially when I shouldn't.

Tonight my lab partner met my boyfriend at a party we all went to. My boyfriend clearly noticed the chemistry between my lab partner and I because he started acting agitated and despondent. He told me he wanted to leave and I said that I wanted to stay a little bit longer and he said that was fine. Then he leaned against my shoulder, pretending to be drunker than he was, and started biting my arm . . . hard. I told him to stop but he didn't until I agreed to leave with him. Nobody noticed this.

My lab partner texted me later and said "you are such an intelligent wonderful woman and he doesn't appreciate you at all. I can tell".

I immediately started thinking that my boyfriend's behavior was my fault. I shouldn't have talked to my lab partner so much. I should have kept my feelings for him under control and I failed and that makes me a terrible girlfriend.

I just think it's funny how you can change your impressions of people. I used to think (and really still do) that my boyfriend was just perfect and the answer to all of my prayers. And now I'm starting to see that he is very insecure and feels the need to control me to try to feel better about himself. I also used to think that my lab partner was a total chauvinist because in our first lab he felt compelled to double check all of my results because he didn't think that women could do science. He is from Saudi Arabia and there are not as many women who want to be doctors there. But I proved him wrong and he says that he likes that I proved him wrong because now he can say that he knows at least one smart girl.

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JamsessionVT
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Lab partner aside, your boyfriend's behavior at that party was absolutely, totally and utterly unacceptable. What is he, 5? It sounds harsh, but seriously, my 6 year old cousin is better behaved than that when he doesn't get what he wants.

I don't think it's being too drastic to tell you you need to leave this relationship. This guy is manipulative, jealous, insecure, and now borderline physically abusive, and none of this is going to change. I don't care what his excuse is, abuse is abuse, and unless you've got a mental illness, it's your responsibility to know the difference. His behavior has begun to escalate, as he's demonstrated here by biting you. Your family has expressed worry for you, you friends are nervous about him, and someone you just work with noticed from one night that he's abusive towards you. The one being abused is always the last one to see the abuse, always. The fact that his behavior has begun to make your question what YOU did wrong is another classic sign.

Abuse is cyclical. It very rarely stops altogether, and it's characterized, as Lena mentioned, by "honeymoon" periods. The only way to change anything is to leave this relationship for good.

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Abbie
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Ecofem
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Hey pantokrator,

In addition to to good feedback that Abbie and Ovan gave you, I wanted to suggest this. It sounds like you're at a time when you're processing these feelings and open to making changes, which is good. If you're not quite sure of how to proceed, I'd talk to one of those friends or family members, someone who showed concern but wasn't pushy like ("you must break up now!") to talk this stuff over. When so many people are concerned, I would take heed.

As Abbie said, you did *nothing* wrong in the above situation! The biting is seriously disturbing... I hear you how "no one noticed it" and how scary that can be. He's being sneaky, and that's part of the scariness!

This is a relationship I'd want to end, regardless of the lab partner's presence or not. I have to admit that I'm a bit wary of lines like "I don't think women can do science" and know that a lot of guys from Saudi *do* think (and know!) women are smart and make good scientists/academics/what have you. [Wink] However, we can't always help where we're coming from, and if he's starting to shake these old stereotypes, that's a good step. As I said before, if he's interested, he'll stick around; chances are, if he's a more "traditional" guy, he wouldn't want to rush things anyway. I'd focus on ending things with current boyfriend, enjoying your friendship with this other guy, and just working on processing stuff for now.

If you're interested, I can look up some in-person abuse/domestic violence support resources in Arizona if you're willing to share your general location or even zip code. You don't have to access them but it can be helpful to get that in-person help from someone who's a bit of an outsider, especially if you're not wanting to reach out to friends or family yet.

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Jill2000Plus
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I just wanted to say that your boyfriend is definitely abusing you and you didn't do anything wrong.

--------------------
Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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worried lover girl
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this sounds like my ex.... he always acted like that. but after we broke up he fixed some of his problems and is begging me back. i dont want hm back but he acts suicidal.... Dont be with someone who is abusive!!!
Posts: 4 | From: united states | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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