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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » When I saw this forum, my mind jumped to this:

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Author Topic: When I saw this forum, my mind jumped to this:
alex z
Member # 43223

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There's a video. A lecture. One about love.

I can assure you it isn't anything profane. It's Yale. Why is this relevant you might ask?

Well, clearly it's relevant to this site. What is any relationship without any sort of love, platonic or otherwise?

But the reason it fits in the forum is at the end. It speaks of the phenomena called "misattributed arousal." As the end of the class' transcript reads, in the words of Peter Salovey:

" ...I think there's an interesting phenomenon there. And it says something, in a way, about how easily we can be misled as to what things in our environment, even things coming from our own body, mean. But there's also some very serious implications of this kind of work. One of them has to do with domestic violence. So think about domestic violence situations and why people stay in them. Why do people stay in relationships that are violent? Now the number one reason, and we have to acknowledge it up front, is usually economically there's no alternative or people believe there's no alternative. "I can't leave because if I leave I'd be homeless. If I leave I will starve, if my--if I leave my kids will starve or there'll be danger to my kids." And that keeps people trapped in abusive relationships but--And that's number one, but what else might be going on?

Sometimes people don't realize that the relationship they're in is abusive--it's psychologically or emotionally abusive. They get into these fights and screaming matches and name-calling and such even if it's not physical violence. And they feel a certain arousal when that happens and they misattribute it. "Well, he wouldn't be yelling and screaming at me if he didn't love me." Right? They misattribute that, what might be anger, what might even be aggression and violence, to an expression of love.

I have a friend who's a social psychologist who told me a story once that really made me very nervous, although she's fine. She said, "When I was dating my husband"--this is thirty years ago--"we were having a tough time. We were in many, many arguments--We got into many, many arguments and one time something happened where he came up to my car in a parking lot and he was yelling at me through the window. And I rolled up the window and before you know it he had punched out the window." And yelling at her and punched out the window. He didn't touch her. And he--she said to me, "That's when I knew he really loved me." And I thought that's scary and I--and, all joking aside, that's scary but that's misattributed arousal. "I'm feeling--when he did that I felt something and I assumed it was love. What she was misattributing as love--Well, she was misattributing his aggressive response as love. She was misattributing her own fear as mutual attraction, as "And I must love him." So, although we joke about these kinds of experiments, and they are fun to talk about because they are unusual and cute, there is also some serious implications of this kind of work that one might think about. And you might think about other possible implications as well. "

I just thought this was rather... disturbing, and definitely worth sharing here. It's worth the read. In reality, it's not as long as it might looks.

If this phenomena is indeed interesting to someone, I have the video leading up to this conclusion. It's online, not mine, free, and legal.

[ 07-07-2009, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: alex z ]

Posts: 4 | From: US | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 43619

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I know how that woman felt. My exboyfriend threatened suicide a lot because of stuff I had done. For example, if I talked to a guy whom I was just friends with, he would confront me about it later and he'd tell me that it made him so sad that he wasn't enough for me that he was going to kill himself. All I could think at the time was that he must love me a lot if such a minor action could affect him so deeply. Its sometimes still hard to see that what he did was in no way a display of his love, but I finally woke up and realized that someone who truly loved me wouldn't play with my emotions like that.
Posts: 7 | From: Texas | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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