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it doesn't seem to matter how hard i try to forget what happened or pretend like i'm okay.. at one point i actually tried to face it. i just wanted to get over it and live a normal life. but i must be doing something wrong or maybe there's just something wrong with me. it feels like i'm broken inside. but if you ever saw me you'd never know. i've been pretending for 11 years now. i look so normal and happy on the outside. but it's just a mask. i was only 6 when it started. my mother would leave me with Him while she went to work. she hated me and her other kids. she never wanted us in the first place. so it's not surprising that she didn't notice when i stopped singing or when i forgot how to smile. and my father walked out around that time so he wasn't there to notice either. they weren't there when He hurt me. over and over again. i was too afraid to tell anyone that He was raping me because He threatened to kill my mother. i just let it happen. i was too scared to stop Him. i was so confused. i couldn't understand how or why anyone could hurt someone else. or why people fought. why daddies beat their kids and wives and then left them. why my siblings took out their anger by cutting their wrists, using drugs, trying to kill themselves, and hospitalizing me. but most of all i just couldn't understand why being six years old hurt so much. not just hunger pains and bruises or being locked in a small dark closet for hours.. but why there was so much hate and anger directed at me. i always just assumed it was because i was a bad person. but i loved them all. no matter how much they hurt me. no matter how much He hurt me. i just wanted to make them happy. to see them smile just once or tell me they loved me. but that never happened. when one of my sisters found out what He was doing to me she told my mom right away. i was seven by this time. it had been going on for almost a year. He went to jail. He was my older brother. i wasn't allowed to see Him. and it was all my fault. years passed and all i wanted was to see Him and tell Him how sorry i was that He was in trouble. He got sick. schizophrenia. and transferred to a mental institution. a few years ago His sentence was over He was stabilized on anti-psychotics or something and CPS was finally going to let me see Him. i had been thinking about Him constantly. afraid of Him. but i still cared. the night after He got out was 2 days after His 18th birthday. He died unexpectedly in His sleep. i never got to say sorry. He never said sorry. we never worked things out. at the funeral there was an open casket. they forced me to sit right in front of His.. i still have nightmares. when i close my eyes He hurts me again or i see His dead body. it's terrible. i'm still so afraid of men. i still can't seem to have a normal life and it's been 11 years since He hurt me and six years since He died. what's wrong with me? my mom laughed in my face when i told her i was depressed and needed help. i don't live with her anymore. i don't see her anymore. i don't ever want to hear that cold laugh again or see that twisted smile. i just turned 18. it feels so wrong that i'm going to be older then my big brother. older than Him. i don't know whats wrong with me or how to get over this. am i crazy because i can't seem to forget? because i allowed myself to be broken like this? i want to be strong. i want to feel as happy and normal as i look on the outside. i just don't even know where to start..
Posts: 3 | From: Washington | Registered: May 2009
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I'm just passing through this evening, but I wanted to say a few quick things.
I am very sorry that that happened to you.
Survivors of rape and trauma all heal in different ways at different paces. Given the fact that you were abused at such a young age, for so many years, and by a family member, I'd say it's very normal to feel the way you do right now.
We cannot simply will ourselves to be better. Healing can take a lot of time. I see that you've asked your mother for therapy in the past. Did you actually get any professional help then? I would strongly encourage you to do so. If you don't have health insurance that will cover it, we can look into low/no cost counseling in your area (is it Washington State or DC?).
I won't be around again until very late tomorrow evening, but I'm hoping that another volunteer steps in in the mean time.
Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008
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Silence, what is your living situation like right now? You said you don't live with your mother anymore, so who are you living with? Are they supportive of you seeking help?
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atm1-- thank you. i went to a counselor once when i was really young but i used to pretend it didn't happen so i wouldn't talk to anyone. i have no insurance of any kind and i live in the seattle washington area.
Abbie-- thank you for the articles. i am currently living in the basement of my grandparents house. they are very uninvolved so i work full time to support myself. they have so many problems already i haven't tried to talk to them also i don't feel comfortable because i don't know them very well.
Posts: 3 | From: Washington | Registered: May 2009
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Silence - I think counseling would still be helpful for you in your situation. So why don't you give it another try? Sometimes it can take a little while until we find a counselor who's a good fit for us, but when we do, it's definitely worth it. I'd suggest you check out RAINN.org - they have a list of available counseling services, and you can just look for one in your area.
Is there anyone in your life that you do feel comfortable talking to? Sometimes just having someone you can go to who'll listen to you is a huge help.
-------------------- -joey Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 8422 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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By the by, silencehurts, I'm in Seattle myself, so let me see if I can't find you someone local over the next few days.
If nothing else, I am here, and am also a survivor, and can sometimes make some time to grab a cup of tea and talk in person with local folks myself.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Silencehurts: I'm afraid it's looking like all the social service budget cuts we have had in Washington state lately may have had an impact on abuse survivor supports. I'm having a tough time finding anything local and free.
Now, if you contact RAINN, they should have a better bead on this and be able to suggest someone local for you. But my offer also stands if you just need some tea and someone to talk to sometime. I also help organize general teen talking circles here which could be a good support for you, and are a safe place to talk about even the heaviest stuff.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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joey & Heather-- i decided to try counseling. i'm very nervous but i have an appointment in a few days thanks to a recommendation from RAINN (and thanks to you both for suggesting it.) at this particular place they assess your "need" and decide whether or not you are eligible for free services.
there's not really anyone i trust, and it doesn't help that my housing arrangement is very recent so i've only known my new friends for about 3 months, not nearly long enough to trust them with something like this.. i don't even know if i trust counselors which is probably stupid but i'm just so scared about everything.
Posts: 3 | From: Washington | Registered: May 2009
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I hope that you wind up getting the counseling you need. Know that, just like with any other relationship, you shouldn't be expected to magically walk into talking to a stranger with a big batch of trust. Establishing trust with a counselor takes some time, and any good counselor will build that into how they work with you.
And again, if you find in the future you want to talk about getting connected with a talking circle here or such (I don't know what neighborhood you're in, but I might also be able to point you towards some other ways to connect with local peers), just give me a holler through our contact form. I'd be happy to help.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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