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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » sex while drunk

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Author Topic: sex while drunk
magten
Neophyte
Member # 42760

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i don't really think this belongs in this section, but i dont really know where else to put it...

i used to live in residence last year, and one night i was at a party and i guess i got pretty drunk. i blanked out completely, i have almost no memory whatsoever. now i have drank my fair share of alcohol many occasions before, and this has never happened to me.

i end up waking up in my room with my pants off and i had no idea how the hell i got there.

i asked someone what happened, like i felt like someone had been there, i had no memory of it but like, i woke up feeling like i had had someone in my room with me that night. i kind of shrugged it off as a dream, but when i asked the person what happened they said that i brought someone up to my room with me. they said that the guy told them we didnt have sex, that i brought him up there and then changed my mind.

fast forward to three weeks later, i'm at another party and i see the guy i was told i had brought up. i ask him what happened. he said we had sex, and that i was so drunk it was a turnoff.

now this guy is a pretty nice fellow, i dont want to infer anything bad about him, it just freaks me out that i have absolutely no memory of any of this. he's the second guy i've ever has sex with, like why do i not remember this? nothing like this has ever happened to me. i told a few friends and they basically laughed at me and said it was part of the college experience.

am i being stupid to feel so freaked out about this?

Posts: 3 | From: doesnt matter | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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You are absolutely not being stupid for freaking out about this.

Here's the thing: If you were so drunk that night that you blacked out and have no recollection of what happened, then it's safe to say that you were in NO position to give consent to sex with anyone. So if this guy said he slept with you, what really happened is that he had non-consensual sex with you.

That's neither a laughing matter, nor a part of the 'college experience'. That's rape.

So, here's the first thing you'll want to do now: head over to your college health center and get a full STI screen done. While you're there, you'll also want to inquire about some counseling. What happened to you is something that can be really hard to work through and deal with, and you should not do it alone. You should get someone on your side who's understanding and supportive.

I'm sorry that you've had to go through this, and that you haven't been taken seriously about this so far.

Please feel free to continue posting here, and we'll help you out in any way that we can.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
magten
Neophyte
Member # 42760

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I don't see it as rape, though - i mean i'm the one that drank way more than i should have, so how can i expect him to know i was too drunk to know what was happening?
Posts: 3 | From: doesnt matter | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kamille
Activist
Member # 42270

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When he told you - "You were too drunk, it was a turn off."

When people are too drunk to know what's going on, it's apparent. Especially if you say you "blacked out."

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It might also help to recognize that when a person is incapacitated in any way, is ill, is in some way not functioning that we know or is apparent, the humane response to that is to care for them, to privilege their need.

The inhumane response, or the abusive response, is to utilize the state they are in to try and get our own needs met.

Kamille, is right, he makes clear he knew you were drunk, and simply knowing you were drunk means knowing you could not give active, informed consent to sex. Simply knowing you were drunk is the signal for someone who is seeking consensual sex to step away from or not initiate sex.

And telling you that in the context of it being a turn-off is really telling: can you see how that seeks to take any responsibility away from him and make it about your sex appeal, not his abuse?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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And just to be clear?

Even if you would not personally think of this as rape, even just from a legal standpoint -- where the definition is actually pretty conservative in many areas, and often leaves out or dismisses many scenarios of rape -- this is absolutely rape.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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magten
Neophyte
Member # 42760

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Thanks for all your replies guys - i never really thought of it that way, and i guess you're right. i think it's just hard for me to accept it as that. it makes it kind of scary i guess.
Posts: 3 | From: doesnt matter | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It's hard for anyone to accept rape when it happens. So, it's common to call it different things, or try and find reasons it's not like other rapes or isn't rape at all, to take responsibility for sex you didn't consent to, the works.

And for sure, it is scary what happened to you here, and it also can be scary to deal with the aftermath, in a lot of different aspects. But it's manageable, especially with some help and support, and awareness of when something has been rape does tend to result in dealing with it better and in healing from it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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