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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Need help

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Author Topic: Need help
moonbaby8609
Neophyte
Member # 41956

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I'm lost as for what to do now. I've been with my boyfriend for two years now, and I'm 11 weeks pregnant with his child. We have had our problems, yes. Most of the problems in the past were my fault. I know this and I live with the guilt every day. I hurt him in the past and he says he has forgiven me for it, yet he treats me terribly sometimes. (Mind you, being three months pregnant takes a toll on your body and mind. I've had some pretty crazy moodswings and episodes of intense anger where I threw things... But I would never do that normally.) He gives me no room for error, not even now that I'm pregnant! I have to be perfect ALL THE TIME, I can never not want to have sex, I can never be sick or not feel well, and I can most certainly never, ever cop an attitude with him. He does coerce, bribe, blackmail or scare me into having sex ALL THE TIME. If I start to cry and say "I give up. Do whatever you want" he'll stop and get really mad, ignore me and go to sleep. Like tonight: I was sort of unhappy with him for something he did at work which he knows is stupid, and then he came home and got angry with me for being disappointed in him and then yelled at me for not remembering what I like to eat from Mickey D's. He was then angry with me for some time and ignored me throughout the movie we rented and the TV show we watched after. Only then did he start trying to have sex with me. He continually laid on top of me (hurting my poor baby bump and sore boobs)as I protested. I kept saying "No, I'm not in the mood" over and over. He then started trying to cover my mouth with his arm and prevent me from breathing (My nose is perpetually stuffed) so I bit his arm so I could breathe. Then he pulled my hair so hard tears came to my eyes, and I started crying. He got mad and stopped, ignoring me just as I expected. He then began falling asleep, clothes on, his lizard's light still on, and no alarm set for the morning. I do these things for him all the time, after he treated me like crap. I finally got fed up with doing it and kept waking him up and telling him to get up and do these things before going to sleep for the night. He kept saying that he wasn't sleeping and then start snoring again. I finally woke him up one too many times I guess, and he flipped out, ripped the covers around, and started yelling that he was sick of me and that I'm annoying and he can't f*cking stand me. So tell me, do I deserve this treatment? What do I do to get him to stop? I need help! I just wish he would treat me nicely and love me and give me some sort of attention or affection! I'm really scared to have his baby now and I'm afraid that he'll start hitting me eventually, and I don't want to cause that trauma to my baby. I'm just so scared of how far this may go.

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*~With Broken Wings~*

Posts: 3 | From: Waynesboro, PA | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Welcome to ST, Moonbaby.

I am so sorry you are finding yourself in this horrible situation. No matter which mistakes you've made in this relationship in the past NO ONE deserves this kind of behaviour. Your partner is being abusive, plain and simple. He's abusing you verbally and physically, and sexually as well if he's forcing and coercing you into sexual activity. This is NOT a safe person for you to be around.

How are you doing for a support system? Do you have close friends you can confide in? Are your parents or other relatives backing you up? Can you talk to any of them and explain to them what's up?

I hear you wanting him to treat you nicely and be there for you, but the hard truth is that abusers are very, very unlikely to turn around and start acting more caring. So for your sake and that of your baby, the best thing you can do for yourself right now is leave this situation. If you have friends or family that you can stay with, that would be great, and if that's not an option we can look into shelters in your area for you.

Again, you do NOT deserve this, no matter what you've done. Please don't let guilt or feeling responsible for his anger hold you back from putting your and your baby's safety first.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonbaby8609
Neophyte
Member # 41956

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No, he's made me lose all my friends, and my immediate family were abusive toward me also. He got me out of that situation when I was 15. He used to be such a nice guy, and so sweet. Now, it's like he's a totally different person! I just don't understand what he wants from me. Not to mention, this is the only life I know now. I've been living with him for over a year now, and I hate change. I'm so scared of having to get used to being alone and sleeping alone all the time. I know he is abusive and mean but it will break my heart in two to leave him!

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*~With Broken Wings~*

Posts: 3 | From: Waynesboro, PA | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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quote:
He used to be such a nice guy, and so sweet. Now, it's like he's a totally different person!
You're going to hear this exact sentence from nearly every person who has been in an abusive relationship. Abusive people rarely start out that way: they tend to stay on their best behavior at first, and then gradually bring on the abuse, increasing with it over time. That is the most common pattern of the way abuse develops.

I'd suggest you consider, when you say this, "my immediate family were abusive toward me also. He got me out of that situation when I was 15," that he didn't actually get you out of abuse at all. Instead, he got you out of that abusive situation and into this one. You moved, in other words, but you didn't leave abuse. [Frown] And sadly, this pattern with abusers who pose themselves as "rescuing" a partner from one abuse when what they really are often doing is a) knowing they miss your radar for bad-guys in the first place because you already live in abuse, and b) making themselves look like the good guy to you so you can be under their control now, not someone else's, is also common.

When you say you hate change, are you considering that positive change tends to feel a whole lot different than neutral or negative change? For instance, for sure, it can sometimes take a bit for us to learn to sleep alone. But, when it's not been safe to sleep with someone, and we are sleeping with an abuser, sleeping alone tends to be a positive change: you sleep better, you feel safer more often. And with a kid on the way, in time that's also about safety for your child.

Can you maybe spend some time visualizing a different life for yourself, one where NONE of this stuff goes on, where you are safe, where the people in your life treat you with love, care and respect? Where you are not being abused?

If you can, can you perhaps talk a bit about why that seems like a heartbreak and what you have going now isn't?

[ 01-17-2009, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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In the meantime, by the way, I'd advise that until you can leave, you at least make a safety plan.

It does clearly sound like abuse is escalating, and the fact that you are pregnant makes it statistically more likely it will escalate more. There is a HUGE pattern of increased abuse from male partners when women become pregnant, and that is also mostly why the leading cause of death for pregnant women is homicide. I'd always say that's something to take very seriously.

Here are some basics on making a safety plan: http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/SafetyPlan_130.html

If you want some help from us in making yours, we're glad to help you out with that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CJT
Assistant Director
Member # 40442

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Moonbaby, I wanted to check in and see how you are doing. I'm not sure what would be helpful for you right now, but I just wanted to toss it out there that I'm familiar with some resources in your area if you are interested in reaching out for some more in-person or over-the-phone help that is more local to you. Let me know if you'd like that, and I can give you some links and numbers.

I sincerely hope that you are staying safe.

Are there other ways we can be helpful for you? We're around if you want to keep talking about this.

Posts: 384 | From: Philadelphia, PA | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonbaby8609
Neophyte
Member # 41956

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Well, the thing is if I were to go speak to someone about this then they are likely to do something about it or at least try and that is not what I need right now. That would make everything worse. Right now he is in one of his "nice" stages again... So hopefully it'll last awhile. Everything is fine for now, I can't do anything for a while anyways. If it gets really bad I know for sure that I have a way out. I'm not worried for me or the baby's safety right now, because one thing I know of for sure is that he wants this baby. What I really need to know is that I'm not crazy and this isn't in my head... because sometimes its hard to know what is and what isn't because everything is always my fault. Like I said, things are going well right now, and my OB is referring me to counseling also.

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*~With Broken Wings~*

Posts: 3 | From: Waynesboro, PA | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You are not crazy, and this is not in your head. Someone abusing you is also not your fault.

You say that someone trying to do something about this is not what you need right now. Do you want to talk about what you DO feel you need right now that is attainable?

And I do feel a need to say again, that I hope you will at least make a safety plan. If we know anything about people who abuse, it's that we often can't tend to be sure about anything with them, or perfectly predict their behaviour (we can't do that with anyone, really, abusive or not), which is part of why having a clear safety plan is so important.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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