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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Am i the at fault??! HELP!

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Author Topic: Am i the at fault??! HELP!
Member # 41555

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Okay from my last post, i explained how my current boyfriend/ex is very abusive, and how i needed to break free from him when it seems almost impossible. The last time we spoke was last night when he hit me and stole some of my belongings after accusing me of lying. After a long night of no sleep and hard thinking, im wondering, is his abusive behavior because of me? He tells me all the time how everything will always be my fault, and that i have to realize it. The reason he says this is because for the past 2 years he constantly is asking me questions wanting to know every single detail about what happened between me and a guy years ago, and he even forces me to answer it or else he calls my parents. Well, i always panic and get scared, but i neevr realized how everytime he asked me these questions i would give a different answer. He is very manipulative, but because i chose to move forward and not remember that past experience, its harder for me to remember and give him clear answers. I almost convinced myself that the answers i made up were the truth because i just couldnt remember, but was terrified of him and had to answer him. I know it is my fault for lying to him for so long, when i shouldnt have made up stories, but is that a valid excuse for hitting me, cheating on me, and controling my every move? I know he is depressed and he needs help but just wont get it, but i am depressed too and he just keeps telling me how everything i did was the reason he became so cruel and violent. I dont want to be a liar, and i feel so guilty and horrible that i put this on myself. any adivce? thanks
Posts: 23 | From: us | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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Abusers will ALWAYS say it is someone else's fault.

Sarbear, I'd really like you to take some time and read this piece, okay?

Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault

I'd particularly look at the cycle of abuse and the basic dynamics described there, so you can see that what's been going on here is in no way unique. It's very, very textbook. As well, it is likely stuff he has done or will do to partners OTHER than you, even if they are very different than you.

And there is NEVER a valid excuse for doing someone harm. Ever.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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