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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » DESPERATE NEED OFHELP =((!!!

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Author Topic: DESPERATE NEED OFHELP =((!!!
sarbear
Neophyte
Member # 41555

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Okay i have been on and off with my boyfriend (or ex boyfriend, im not even sure anymore) for 2 years. He was my first real boyfriend, and i can say he was the only one who could truely make me happy..that is until he went crazy. Before we started dating, something happened (almost happened) between me and another guy i didnt really know at the time. Yes i took the blame from it because i was young nieve and stupid, but all i wanted was to move forward and start with my new boyfriend. well he has not, for 2 years, stopped thinking about what happened before i met him with this guy he doesnt even know. It started off as small little fights that blew over, then soon he started cheating on me because of it to "get me back" and then it became verbal abuse to the point where he would call and text me for hours saying the most hurtful things and threatening me to answer the phone EVERYtime he called or else he was going to call my parents and tell them what i did before i dated him. I would never want my parents to find out anything because I always had morals and something stupid that happened 3 years ago i want to just move on from, but i have gone into complete depression from my boyfriend(ex?). i have nowhere to turn to. he dumps me almost everyday, threatening me to text him back when he calls me names like whore, slut, and even used to tell me he was going to kill me. I know he is angry and very sensative over this, but everytime i try to get away from him he finds a way to communicate with me (even though he is the one who dumps me) and even has texted my mother many times saying how im a "slut and worthless". She never recieved the texts (i deleted them as soon as i knew) but if i dont do exactly what he tells me to, he texts them. and even has called my house at 1 in the morning waking up all of my younger brothers. I am shaking, and i lost all of my friends. I have nobody to talk to anymore, and i keep running back to my boyfriend because he is all that i have left now. I am constantly lying to my parents about things just to cover him up and not tell them the horrible things he has done to me. I havent left my house in 4 months and i am not living anymore. i know he has problems, and he is depressed for alot of reasons, but iam becoming very scared of him and everytime i want to ignore him and just breathe he threatens me, call my house/parents, and forces me to do what he says. i dont know where to turn to, and i am not about to tell my parents what happened in the past and how it has somehow turned my boyfriedn into a jealous maniac who will not leave me alone. i never wanted to leave him, i was so happy with him, but i know whats best for me and i cant live like this anymore and im living in fear everyday and night, i cant even eat or sleep. i dont know what to do. any advice is VERY much appreciated. thank you. =( =( =(

-hopeless

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You have every reason to be scared.

You also do not have the power to turn someone into a different person than they are. In fact, it seems clear he's been this way the whole time.

I would STRONGLY suggest you tell your parents, or some other trusted adult and that you don't wait on that.

Is there a reason you feel you're not comfortable telling your parents?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sarbear
Neophyte
Member # 41555

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another thing to add- i have never cheated on him, let alone thought about it, i was very committed to him and even when he dumped me months ago and we stopped talking for about a week, i locked myself at home and found out he immedietly hooked up with another girl in hopes of sleeping with her and feeling like he could "keep up with me". I defend myself about what happened in the past everyday, but nothing is helping. =(
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I also want to refer you back to this post about him: http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/009550/p/1.html#000000

Please know you do not need to defend yourself here. Even if you HAD cheated on him, that neither excuses abuse nor is something that will cause someone to become abusive when they were not going to be before.

Please also know that you do not have the power to change this person with YOUR behaviour. The best thing you can do is to get AWAY from this person, and it's clear you need some in-person backup to do that.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sarbear
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Member # 41555

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yes because when this horrible event happened in my past, i was only 16 and came very close to doing something with a guy for the first time and i would never want them knowing how i snuck out and everything its just too much
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-Firefly-
Scarleteen Volunteer
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At this point, what if you just ask your parents for help in dealing with this abusive jerk, and warn them that he might try to get in touch with them to spread lies about you? Like Heather said, it's really important to have in-person support, and if your parents can help without having quite the full story, it's definitely better than nothing.

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Vero
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Your parents do not even need to know what happened back then. It's just not relevant.

What they need to know is what is going on NOW, with this guy, and has been going on the whole time with him. They need to know that you need help getting away, keeping him away, and staying safe from an abusive person.

If you can't tell them this yet, you need to find someone to tell, because you obviously need help with this: this isn't something you can manage on your own. Can you think of another adult you might feel able to tell?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sarbear
Neophyte
Member # 41555

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okay i am now scared and completley panicked, because i dont have a clear memory of what happened in the past, i always tell my boyfriend stories that seem to be different, making me look like im purposly lying when im actually so scared i just try to convince myself i remember what happened when i dont. he just came to my house now when my parents werent home, forced me into his car, smacked me in the face, and threw my enitre wallet out the window, along with ripin up100 dollars that was a christmas gift i am scared and shaking i need help i have nowhere to go and if i tell my parents what he just did i would have to tell them what happened in my past!!!
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Mumbkin
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They're your parents. They'll love you no matter what. At the end of the day, you're their baby and if they're half decent parents they'll want to look after you.
You need to tell them before its gets too far out of hand. He cannot be alowed to fly off the handle at you just because he can't get over his battered ego. You were a kid and kids do stupid things. Now you're both adults, he needs to grow up and stop acting like a brat.
Sorry I cant be of more help.

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If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd like to kind of see if you can't take a minute, take a breath, and recognize that being forced into a car and smacked around is DANGEROUS.

And a far bigger risk to you than parents possibly having some disappointments or being upset about times you have lied.

You came here stating you need help: I agree. But what we don't have the ability to do here are things like walk you to the cops to get a restraining order, keep watch over you and keep this guy out of your house, get you some counseling and help. Those ARE things someone actually in your life can, however, do, so you are going to have to reach out to someone in your life with those abilities.

(FYI, Mumbkin? Abuse is not simply bratty behaviour:it's far more serious than that. Being an abuser also often is not about not being grown up, and this also is NOT about anything the person BEING abused did.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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