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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » bad luck...

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worried_etc
Neophyte
Member # 39564

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Sometimes I feel like I am a bad omen.

My first boyfriend that I ever had when I was 11 ended up being the biggest drug dealer in my little town. After me, he dated every single girl in my group of friends.

The second boyfriend I had, when I was 13, was 19 years old. We met on the internet, he molested me, and was emotionally abusive. He cut his wrists and ate bottles of tylenol infront of me. He ended up being the only person that I was allowed to talk to, and he controlled every aspect of my life. My parents would let me bus over to his house every month or so.

The third boyfriend I had, when I was 15, was a good friend of mine. He was sweet. He smoked pot on occassion. After a few months of us dating he was smoking up multiple times a day, dropped out of high school, and was doing other harder drugs.

My dad criticizes everything I eat. Both parents praised me when I was thin (when I wasn't eating because of boyfriend #2s diet restrictions). Once we had a 30 hour famine at my school. After coming back from that, I had a cup of soup, and my dad yelled at me for eating it.

My mom looks like a little kid. She overexcersizes and undereats. She's constantly complaining about her weight. When I was 14 or so, she found out that I was cutting myself. She got angry at me, told me to stop, followed me around for the day, and then never talked to me about it again. When I told her, in tears, about #2, she said that I could cry about it today, but after that day she would not want to see me crying. I told her about the abuse in bits and peices, and after I told her a few small things, she said that it was "too disturbing" and she didn't want to hear it.

Because I did not get any help, I pretty much spent from 13 onwards depressed and unhappy.

Why does every relationship I've ever had have to be shitty? I know that I've made a lot of bad choices, but what is it about me that attracts all these bad people?

Anyway I guess this is just a rant. sorry. I just am trying to figure out what I am doing wrong. also sorry this sounds whiney.

Posts: 11 | From: Ottawa | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think you point towards a route to help change some of these patterns and to get some support when you say you did not seek out any help.

Clearly, you have needed it, with dysfunctional parents (particularly in terms of your self-esteem, and clearly, their own) and a line of abusive partnerships. It also sounds like, based on your other post, that you are not only in another abusive relationship, but are very socially isolated, still. You're in a position right now to do some things to change these patterns, including not staying in a relationship which is already part of them or going that route.

I'd encourage you not to think about all of this as what you are doing wrong, but rather as what you perhaps could do from here on out to better protect and care for yourself, and to do all you can to only surround yourself with people who treat you with care, love and kindness.

Can we help you to find some help now?

It sounds clearly like you are unhappy and know you deserve better than these scenarios, but do you feel like you are at a point where you can accept help and do what you can very actively that is within your control (do remember that this isn't just about your choices: you didn't choose your parents, nor did you ask to be abused) to cultivate some change now?

[ 11-11-2008, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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(Worried, just seeing how you are?)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
worried_etc
Neophyte
Member # 39564

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I'm alright, thanks.

Things are just really stressful right now. I don't really have time to look for any help because I'm so busy with school. I've got classes early in the morning until late afternoon, and them I'm doing homework and sleeping, pretty much, so it's not really possible right now. When I go home for Christmas I've got a doctors appointment, though, so I'll ask her for advice for someone to talk to I guess.

I can't really surround myself with people that treat me with love and kindness because everyone that loves and cares about me lives pretty far away. The people I've met here like drama and everyone's talking behind everyone's back all the time, so I'm not really all that interested in starting friendships here anyways.

Thanks for the advice, though. I'll try to better protect myself better.

Posts: 11 | From: Ottawa | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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If you'd like to email me where you go to school, I'd also be glad to help you research what support services your school might offer, okay?

I'd also encourage you to recognize that pretty much anywhere we go, there tends to be someone -- or several someones -- like us. Every single person at your school being a gossip or drama-mama would be pretty unlikely. And sometimes, when things look that way from the outside, that also isn't always an on-target assessment. Until we get to know them, plenty of people can seem surfacey on the surface.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
worried_etc
Neophyte
Member # 39564

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All my roommates so far hate me, according to one of them that's semi nice to me. She said that they all lock themselves in one of their rooms to talk about how they dislike me... but I've never even done anything mean to them :/. They all go to concerts and stuff and don't even invite me, too.

But yeah, the girls in my classes are pretty nice, and I get along pretty well with them, so I guess I'll try to make better friends with them. It's just hard with the time constrains and all.. I think that's why none of my roommates like me - because I'm usually in my room and I don't get a chance to talk to them much. blah.

thanks though! [Smile]

Posts: 11 | From: Ottawa | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
worried_etc
Neophyte
Member # 39564

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P.S. I tried to send you a PM, but it said "You are not permitted to send a private message to this member. Only forum leaders are currently permitted to receive private messages."

how do I e mail it to you?

PS if it is really obvious and I am being dumb, sorry!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Just clock the "contact us" link at the bottom left of this page.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
worried_etc
Neophyte
Member # 39564

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no one ever got back to me :/
Posts: 11 | From: Ottawa | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Firefly-
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 26516

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Hi worried_etc,

I'm sorry no one got back to you. I'm not sure if the e-mail got through or not but I'll try to find out. In the meantime, how are you doing? Are things any better?

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Vero
Scarleteen Volunteer
Help sustain sex ed and Scarleteen: donate!

Posts: 1345 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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