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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » I am not sure

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Author Topic: I am not sure
Incognito_3
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Member # 40987

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Okay,I am sorry in advance for the length, I think I was sexually abused when I was young, but to be honest I am not sure.

When I was 3 I remember touching myself, it was closer to masturbation then touching to be clear. For a long time after i continued this behavior,not nowing how screwed up it was.I assume that I was abused, but I am not sure , I can not remember a certain person doing anything to me, just being highly sexual in many things, but it is the only thing that makes sense. For a long time I suspected an uncle of mine( I have never said anything, not wanting to make a false accusation) He abused my smaller cousin, and when I was young I had nighmares about him, and , even though I did love him, was scarred of him. But, agian, I am not sure I was even abused. I am going crazy because of it, I have had trust issues since I was old enough to understand what may have happened (8) I get close to very few people, even if I want to be someone best friend I can not make myself open up to them, I have even been shying away from my best friend who has known me for over 7 years. I have never been in a physical relationship, even though sometimes I want to be..I am scarred that I would freak out if they touched me or that they will be revolted by me. Any time I have any sort of sexual urge I feel disgusting, violated by myself -i am afraid if anyone knew they would be disqused with me as well. If I could confirm that I was abused, I think I could move passed all of this crap. I just don't know how, could I confront this uncle..it is just suspicion, I am scared it wasn't him sometimes, it could have been any number of males or females in my family. I am just not sure what to do

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orca
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Incognito, I am so sorry you had to wait this long for a response.

Masturbation is actually quite common and normal among children, regardless of whether they have been sexually abused (however, if a child engages in masturbation very frequently, that can indicate abuse has occurred). My nephew is only a few months old and he's already started to discover himself. It's part of exploring your body and the pleasure system. That's not to dismiss what you are saying here (please know that you have every right to feel this way and worry like this!), but I just wanted to say that masturbation is okay in children, and really in people of all ages. It sounds, though, like something is bothering you and that is definitely worth exploring and working through, though it can be helpful to do so in a safe environment, like with a trained therapist. Would you like some help in finding one near you?

It's definitely not unheard of for victims of childhood sexual abuse (or sexual abuse that occurred at any age) to repress their memories of the abuse. Confronting your uncle would probably not be the best solution. Abusers will almost always deny that they did commit any abuse, and a confrontation with him may only compromise your safety. I would suggest starting out by seeing a therapist, one that's trained in helping victims of abuse, and working on from there. After some time, you may feel comfortable talking to family members about it to see if they have any memories of abuse. This is something that will take a lot of time, and there will be times that you will feel overwhelmed and scared and tired, but you will also begin to feel better about yourself and you will be able to strengthen your relationships with other people, and hopefully form new and healthy relationships.

You might also consider going to some support groups in your area for victims of childhood sexual assault. Therapy can be very helpful in the healing process, but connecting with other survivors can provide you with the kind of kinship and support that can be really wonderful in the healing process. You may also want to check out Pandora's Aquarium for some online support. It's an internet community of survivors available 24/7, and as they say on their website, they welcome all survivors of rape and sexual abuse, whether it occured yesterday or 20 years ago, whether you can remember every detail or nothing at all.

Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you, including finding some local resources, and know that we are here if you need someone to listen. Also, do you need any help getting out of an unsafe living space?

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Incognito_3
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Member # 40987

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My home is safe, however I can not get a therepist because this is not something I can talk to my family about. I knew that some form of self discovery when you are young is normal, just I don't think I was....I have couple of memories, but I was not sure if they were made up -like I thought about it to much and just made something up- I am not sure.... I feel like if I just could confirm any of this(who did it, or that it really happened) I could work past it with out freaking anybody out.. I know cofronting my uncleis a crappy idea, he lives across the country anyway.. I just keeps eating at me, I feel like I have nowhere to turn.. or that i'm crazy and just made all of it up.
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orca
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Are you in college? I ask because if you are, you could see the counsellors at your college. If you are in high school, you could see the counsellor there, too. If you have a job, you also have the option of going to a counsellor that works on a sliding scale. Even if you cannot see a therapist at this point in time due to financial constraints, might you consider going to a support group? They are free, so you don't have to worry about payment, just getting there. One place you might also consider looking at is RAINN, which you can call up and they can help you find resources near you that you can afford on your own (possibly even some free ones). If you can't find any other options, you might even try fibbing to your family about why you want to see a therapist, for instance saying that you are feeling depressed or having anxiety problems. It is true, and there's no need for them to know the whole reason, and the therapist would be required to keep your information private according to HIPAA laws (the exception would be if it was a life-threatening situation).

I'm sure it must be very difficult for you to have these feelings but be unable to remember anything. If you go to that website I linked you above, though, you'll see that you are not alone in being unable to remember. Many of the survivors there have problems with memories of their abuse. I know that doesn't help you find those memories, but I hope it at least helps you feel less alone in this struggle. One thing you will find from the other survivors on that site, though, is that memory recovery can be a very difficult and stressful process, and it is important to have a good support system in place when you attempt it, including having a trained therapist that you feel comfortable with to help you through it.

Many therapists do suggest journaling as one method of processing what happened. Might you consider doing that? It's basically the same as keeping a diary. You just write down how you are feeling, memories you have, anything you remember, thoughts you are having a certain day, frightening dreams you have. I have a very lovely leather journal my brother gave me a few years ago that I like to use for my journaling. You don't have to use anything fancy, though. Even one of the ones you buy at the pharmacy for $1.99 are great, so long as they have paper. It's remembering to actually write in it that's important.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Incognito_3
Neophyte
Member # 40987

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Okay, i guess I will try that, thank you for your help
Posts: 3 | From: US | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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