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Author Topic: Just venting, I guess
calla
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Member # 40982

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I was raped two years ago. I met this guy at a conference and thought he was really nice, so when he came to my room in the evening "to say goodnight" I let him in. When I wouldn't sleep with him he raped me. I probably would have slept with him, except we didn't have any condoms, so I told him no. He became really pushy and I got really scared and didn't resist.

I didn't think about it for almost a year, when I fell in love with my boyfriend, and it all came back. It was really hard for me to trust him, but I was very, very happy.

We were together for seven months and then he left me. He told me it was because he felt that I hadn't sorted out the rape and I was very insecure. (I think it was also about the sex being, well, not very good.) When he left all the feelings from the rape came back - feeling worthless and like I was damaged goods, somehow, and nobody could ever love me. I got some counselling then and it has helped a lot. I felt a lot better and the rape doesn't feel threatening any more, just like two crappy hours in my past.

But these last few days, I have been feeling really down. I don't get why. I usually don't think about the rape much, but today it is on my mind a lot. Maybe it's because it is the same time of the year again. But I also feel very sad about my ex again, and I really, really miss him. It's very confusing somehow.

As I said: just venting...

Posts: 3 | From: Germany | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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Hey Calla. I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. Dealing with rape can come and go in waves like that: sometimes we feel more triggered than others, even when we can't identify a reason. Do you have a good support system? People you can talk to about this, or just hang out with to take your mind off things for a while?

Make sure that you're giving yourself props, too: You're speaking up about what happened, you've gotten help, you're healing. Those are big steps, and it's definitely not easy to walk that path. So make sure you're aware of how hard this all is, and to just cut yourself some slack and indulge yourself a little. Why not just do something to pamper yourself a little? Watching a favourite movie, taking a bubble bath, etc.

You might also want to consider just going to talk to a professional about this, too. Most cities in Germany by now have "Beratungsstellen" for survivors of sexual abuse, and they're usually pretty laid back and you can make an appointment to come in and just talk. If you need any help finding resources, just let me know where you're at, and I can take a look around for you.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
calla
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Thanks!

Yeah, I know. I took a walk just now and I feel better already. Part of the whole problem is that I moved recently, so I don't have much of a support system (yet). Most of my friends don't know, neither does my family. I am worried talking to the friends that know because I am somehow afraid that they will leave me alone with this (like my ex and another friend of mine did).

I've been to a Beratungsstelle before and it did help, but then I moved. I probably should have looked for some counselling here, but somehow I couldn't face it. Just being in a new place makes me feel insecure - maybe that's what has brought this on in the first place.

But thank you! Sometimes it just feels good to vent these things! (BTW: I think you are doing an an amazing job)

Posts: 3 | From: Germany | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
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Pandora's Aquarium is an online support group that you might find helpful while you are looking for something in person. It's an online community of survivors that provides support for one another 24/7 so you never have to feel alone.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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September
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Oh, I know that moving can definitely make these things worse. If you know your surrounding and are settled in a place, it's easier to feel comfortable and safe.

Why don't you look up some local resources? Even if you don't end up taking advantage of them, just knowing where you could go might be of some help. I know I always feel safer with a Plan B.

You don't need to tell your friends (yet) if you're not comfortable. Just having someone to spend time with and have some fun with to take your mind of things can often be enough. Or maybe you can say something like "I'm having a really hard time for reasons I don't feel comfortable sharing yet, and I'd really appreciate it if you could help me find some distraction and have a little fun so I can feel better".

And also? While this is a really hard situation to find yourself in, any friend who just drops you because you've been abused, isn't friend you need in your life, anyway.

You're welcome! Glad I've been able to help some. Hope you feel better! [Smile]

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
calla
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Member # 40982

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Thanks for all your help! I try to meet people here, but it's hard because I feel so down. It's just not the best state of mind to go out and make friends.

And about friends not being real friends: Theoretically, yes, I agree if they leave you after something like this, well, they probably weren't real friends to begin with.

But in real life - I cared for the one friend I told, and he can barely look at me now (I think it's more that he doesn't know how to deal and is really uncomfortable with knowing).

And I loved my boyfriend very much. I get that it is hard to be the first guy after a rape, and that it was difficult for him to deal with all my emotions, I even get that feelings simply change sometimes. I understand that rationally, but in my heart I feel abandoned and like him leaving is my punishment for being raped.
When he broke up with me, he promised he'd stay in touch and that I could talk to him always, but he hasn't been there for me since. It's just that it took such a lot of courage for me to trust him in the first place. Now I feel that I just shouldn't have trusted him in the first place which makes it so much harder to trust anyone else.

Posts: 3 | From: Germany | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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How are you for social activities? If you are at university, you could join a club. You could take up sports. You could also look into volunteering options in your area. Those are excellent ways to make new friends, and to get out and keep yourself busy and distracted.

You could also look into support groups for abuse survivors in your area. You could meet new people AND get some support.

As far as talking about abuse with friends and (potential) partners - there's no denying that, finding something like that out about a friend, can be pretty difficult. Any great, decent, supportive friend can get overwhelmed. But you know, someone who's caring and invested in a friendship will talk about that and voice their feelings. If they need to take a step back to deal with their feelings, they'll let you know so you don't feel abandoned.

I'm really sorry that your last relationship did not work out. But that is NOT a punishment for being raped: rape is not something that YOU did wrong. It's something that was done TO you. There is no responsibility or blame on your shoulders for this.

Having to deal with the effects of a rape can make a relationship difficult and place extra burdens on it. But ya know, as we get older, we're all going to amass stories and scars, and it gets harder and harder to meet someone who hasn't been through a really tough time in one way or another. Being able to deal with that maturely, to treat a partner with respect and care, and to be supportive is just a trait we all need to acquire. It sounds like your ex-partner just wasn't there yet, which sucks a lot, but ultimately it's probably better for both of you that you went your separate ways.

But DON'T let that discourage you. Seriously. There ARE going to be people out there for you that you can trust in and who will support you. I know that this must all seem pretty impossible to you right now, but I promise that it isn't.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
atm1
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I also want to add that feeling the effects of a rape during anniversaries is pretty common--about a year after my rapes and abuse, I actually landed in the hospital with severe panic attacks. I know a lot of other survivors who have a hard time during anniversaries too.

One other thing to remember is that your boyfriend did not break up with you because of you. He broke up with you because HE was not ready or able to handle the situation. It's not your fault in any way, shape or form. It's not really his either, he just wasn't ready.

I've learned from my relationship that building a relationship after a rape can be incredibly difficult but that it can be done. It takes a lot of work, but it is possible, and I know you'll find a way to make it work with someone who's ready in time.

Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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