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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Was it rape?

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Author Topic: Was it rape?
Member # 40978

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So one of my good guy friends at school recently broke up with his girlfriend. They had been going out for over two years. I've known him for about a year or so now and we got really close really fast. However, along with this close relationship came a lot of sexual tension between us. I am also currently in a relationship.
The night he and his girlfriend broke up, he came to my room and hung out for a bit. We have always casually teased and flirted with each other. After a little bit of this he started teasing me more than usual. He started to suck on my breast and I told him no and to stop. He did and we went back to watching TV. Then he started teasing me again. This time he kept doing it and I was enjoying it a bit but in the back of my mind I knew it was wrong. He kept going until he pinned me down on the bed and started kissing me. I stop him no again and we stopped.
Then he started again and put my hand on his penis, making me rub it. He took his hand away and then started groping me. Then he pushed me down again and forced my legs open and began grinding against me. I just shut down. I remember just laying there, while he was going to town, thinking, He's going to stop right? I told him no....doesn't he realize I'm just laying here? Eventually i found enough in me to get out a whisper for him to stop, which he did. But he was still kneeling over me. He asked me if I was sure. I said yes, but he still didn't move. I just covered my eyes until he did. We were both fully clothed when this happened.
He was one of my really close friends at school. I'm not entirely sure what happened honestly. Was this rape? I mean I enjoyed it to an extent but I still kept saying no and he kept teasing me until I got so fog brained I didn't remember? If it was rape does it mean I cheated on my boyfriend because I kinda enjoyed it? Please help.

Posts: 5 | From: USA | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 35831

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I'm sorry you had to go through something like this!

You did say no, and he ignored that no!(he very clearly did! even if he did stop every time you said no, he went right back at it)

If what happened would've been sex had it been mutual and consensual (and I think it was, both the penis rubbing and grinding) then it's rape if it happens after one person involved said no. And you did say no!

Cheating on your boyfriend is WILLINGLY crossing the boundaries you two set up for yourself. Just cos you physically kinda enjoyed it doesn't negate that he didn't listen when you said no. This guy most definitely crossed a line!

I don't think he is very safe to be around... And it sucks when people we trust turn out to be not so trustworthy... It happened to me a couple of years ago and I'm still working to get over it.

Posts: 122 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 40978

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Should I tell my boyfriend? I mean the guy and I agreed not to tell anyone and I can see it doing more harm than good to my relationship with my boyfriend. Not to mention he's the type that will go kick the **** out of someone for laying a hand on a female (he's done it before). But at the same time I want to be completely honest with him. Plus I did enjoy it a bit and still feel like I cheated on him
Posts: 5 | From: USA | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 34755

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For starters, I think any agreement you have with a person who rapes or sexually assaults or abuses you in any way that you won't tell about the attack is void to start with. Of course he doesn't want you to tell anyone what he did to you, but he does not have a right to expect you to protect him.

So as to whether to tell: I think it might be helpful for you to talk to someone in person about this. If you don't feel like your boyfriend is going to handle it well, then is there someone else you could talk to? A counselor at your school, a parent or relative, or anybody who could be a good support to you?

You don't have to go into all the details of what happened if you don't feel ready or comfortable doing so. Not to your boyfriend nor to whomever you might choose to tell. If you need something different from your boyfriend right now in terms of giving you more space, taking a break from sex or what have you, you can ask for that. Could you perhaps tell him that something bad happened, but you're not ready to discuss exactly what?

And, if and when you do get to the point that you can tell him, you can tell him right up front that you need him to support you in the way that YOU need support, that if he flies off the handle it's not helping you any. I tend to think it's going to be hard for you to manage a relationship, after something like this has happened, without ever telling your partner about it. But I also get how scary that can be if you're not sure your partner will react in a way that's positive for you. So it might help for you to think about what form the support you need would take, so that you can tell him specifically what you need from him. Really, when someone we care about has been raped, the loving thing to do is to put that person's needs ahead of our own anger or desire for retribution. It's not unreasonable for you to expect your boyfriend to do that much for you.

And, really, the fact that your body responded in a way that wasn't in line with what your heart and mind wanted does not make this cheating on your boyfriend. Sexual response is a weird, complicated thing sometimes: at times we want it to happen, and it doesn't. Other times we don't want it, and it happens anyway. I hear you feeling pretty guilty about that and it just isn't your fault.

Posts: 147 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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