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Author Topic: abusive relationship?
lindzay
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my boyfreind gets mad at everything I do.
he doesn't like when i go on the computer, not even for school work.
i can't talk to guys or he gets mad.
he even gets mad when i want to hangout with my bestfriend. And sh'es a girl! [Frown]
and i've lost many friends because of him.
i used to be best best best friends with my ex, but we never kissed or anything, and we barely hungout and my current boyfriend got mad that i hungout, or even talked to him.
so now i don't talk to my ex and he hates me. [Frown]
there's so many other things that he gets mad at.
little things too.

would you classify this as an abusive relationship?

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September
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Oh honey. Your relationship does not sound like a healthy and balanced partnership to me. Are you happy in your relationship? Is there anything in your relationship that you feel is positive and beneficial for you?

I'd suggest that you take a look at this article of ours to help you get a better idea of what constitutes an abusive relationship:
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/37/t/000003.html

Also, in this context, I'm wondering whether the pain you talked about in another post may be your body's way of expressing that it's not feeling comfortable and safe with this partner. Do you feel respected by your partner? Are you able to voice your feelings and state boundaries? Does he listen to you and respect your boundaries?

Maybe you can take a look at that article I've linked you to and see how you feel about the checklist. And you're more than welcome to come back here and talk about that.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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lindzay
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he also calls me names when he's mad at me, and threatens to leave me if i do something to make him mad.

Are you happy in your relationship?
when we don't fight yes, when we fight, i'm miserable. and usually everything we fight about is my fault.
Is there anything in your relationship that you feel is positive and beneficial for you?
i love him.

is it possible that the pain is from that? I didn't know that could've been the reason.

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September
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Have you taken a look at the check list? If your partner does two or more of the things on that list, then your relationship is not safe for you and you should consider getting out.

It's not even remotely reasonable that everything that ever goes wrong in your relationship is your fault. A relationship consist of more than one person, and naturally there are going to be disagreements from time to time, but they are not always the fault of only one person. So if your partner is making you feel like you are responsible for all of your fights? That's pretty manipulative of him.

When I asked if there was anything beneficial or positive in your relationship, I meant whether there are things that he does that you appreciate and that make you feel good, and whether he makes you feel good about yourself. Does he respect you? Listen to you? Support you? etc.

Sexual pain can have a lot of reasons. It could be due to an infection. It could simply be that you are not using enough lube or not taking it slow enough. But relationship problems and the way you feel about your partner can also factor in there: if you do not feel safe and comfortable, if you do not feel 100% relaxed and able to let go, then chances are you're not going to be terribly aroused when any sort of penetration happens, and if you're not aroused, if, rather, you are tensing up and getting nervous then yes - that can cause painful penetration.

So how are your answers to those questions? Do you feel comfortable, relaxed, safe and completely aroused with your partner? If your answer is no, then that's a very likely cause for your pain.

But also, if this is an abusive relationship altogether - and from what you're saying, it sounds like it is - then your biggest concern right now would be to simply get out of the relationship.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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bonerfied
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I'd dump this guy so fast if I was a girl. If you have friends of both genders, so what, I have a lot of friends of both genders and my gf could care less and I could care less about her friends and which one of her friends she hangs out with.
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lindzay
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on that checklist, he does most of those things.
he is pretty possesive and manipulative too. and he knows it.

he does a lot of things for me to make me feel good. he compliments me, tells me i'm beautiful, skinny. nice things. supports me, listens to me most times, respects me most times.. he's called me name though. that's not respect.
he's nice until we get into a fight.
today, when i was going to my bus and him to his, we kissed very lightly and he walked away and said bye. I was like .. i love you.. and he turned around and looked at me and was like, .. i love you too.
he didn't even want to say it [Frown]

and i do feel comfortable around him and doing sexual things with him.
although sometimes, i'm not in the mood? you know?
so i don't want to do anything.
and for a while, we stopped diopng things cause i didn't want to. and he asked me about it, and made me feel bad for not wanting to do things. he said "it was hard for him to go from doing things to nothing at all" so i felt bad. so a few times, i don't want to do stuff, but i do anyways.

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lindzay
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bonerfied - I have no guy friends anymore. I only have my one friend. My best friend. And he even gets mad when I want to go hangout with her.
It's pretty bad [Frown]

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Alice
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quote:
Originally posted by lindzay:
on that checklist, he does most of those things.
he is pretty possesive and manipulative too. and he knows it.

he does a lot of things for me to make me feel good. he compliments me, tells me i'm beautiful, skinny. nice things. supports me, listens to me most times, respects me most times.. he's called me name though. that's not respect.
he's nice until we get into a fight.

This is classic abuse here. It generally doesn't mean that he's getting better or wising up, it's the typical cycle. And chances are it's not going to change.

Did you see this part of the article?
quote:
The cycle of abuse is a circular pattern most abusive relationships follow:

1) A honeymoon or seduction phase (some people call it the remorse stage), a state when both partners are happy to be in a relationship, and at a point where the relationship is enjoyable, romantic. This phase can feel like a time when there isn't any abuse, even though it's a key part of abuse, since without it, no one would wind up in an abusive relationship or stay in one: it's the "hook" an abusive person relies on to get their partner and keep their partner sticking around.

2) The tension phase, when the couple is getting into small arguments, and the abuser becomes frustrated with their partner. Even if an abused partner tries very hard not to do things they know will lead to attacks, an abuser will usually find, during this phase, things which will eventually result in the next phase.

3) The last stage is the abuse phase, or the explosion phase, where one specific incident leads to an explosion of anger, in the form of physical, sexual, verbal or other attacks.

4) The abuser then quickly defaults into the honeymoon or seduction phase to make up for their behavior. They will probably apologize at this time, may give gifts or be very romantic, and even though they may also still tell the abused person the explosion was that person's fault, not their own, they will generally try and be as nice as they can, and try and gain the sympathy of the person they are abusing.

Knowing that he's being possessive and manipulative is only the first step of a long healing process. And it's really, really hard to resolve this on your own. I know, I've been there and am in the process of getting out of a relationship with many similarities to yours. Are you considering just getting out of it?

[ 10-16-2008, 04:54 PM: Message edited by: Alice ]

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The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

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orca
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Giving someone compliments on their physical appearance is nice, but what about you does he compliment? Not just how you look, but your personality, the things that make you uniquely you, that set you apart from other people. Does he tell you he enjoys talking to you, that he likes the jokes you tell, or that he admires your talents, whatever they may be?

You say that you feel comfortable doing sexual things with him, yet you also say that you felt bad about turning him down for sexual activities. Part of being in a relationship with someone is feeling comfortable not only to say yes to sexual activities when you really really want them, but also feeling comfortable enough to say no when you don't want to do those activities. He's been manipulating you and guilting you into doing sexual acts with him; hun, that's sexual abuse, and it's not okay.

I know it can feel so great when someone tells us how beautiful we are and they pay attention to us, but if they're only doing that part of the time and then being a jerk the rest of the time, and/or saying those things in order to get something from us, then they aren't good people to be around. You can, and will, find someone who will appreciate all the wonderful things about you and treat you with all the respect you deserve, but you won't find that person while you are with this guy who makes you feel so crummy so often.

[ 10-16-2008, 04:59 PM: Message edited by: orca ]

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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lindzay
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Alice - step four usually consts of him making -me- apologize. not giving me any sympathy at all. And sadly, I've not considered it once. Because I don't want to leave him, I want to be with him forever. and it hurts that he treats me like this.

orca - he tells me i'm smart? if that counts.. because i get better marks then him, he fights me when I say i'm not but he always tells me I am.He doesn't ever say anything like, I admire tlaking to you, or your jokes or anything like that.
And I really want to say no, I just don't want him to get mad. Cause the one time I did say no, he did get mad. [Frown]
and I don't think i'd be able to find anyone else, i'm just not good enough.
[Frown]

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lindzay
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"he fights me when I say i'm not but he always tells me I am."

and by fights I mean, defends that I am, if you understand what I'm saying. not the mean kind of fighting.

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Alice
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Ok, that's even worse.

Thing is, you don't have to be so unhappy and hurt all of the time. Life is too short, seriously. The sooner you get out the easier it is.

How about this? Take a break. (Are you living together?) Tell him (he should know this already, of course) that you two are unhappy around that you need a few weeks to sort out your feelings & life. This isn't breaking up, it's a reasonable thing to do in a relationship that is causing you pain.

Are you in school? Sometimes counselors can be a huge help in these situations, bouncing these ideas off of someone, having someone who keeps an eye on you & just flat out saying these things out loud can be a huge help in understanding what kind of state you're really in here.

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The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

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Alice
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And hey - may I ask how old you are? Do you want some help locating IRL resources that can help support you while you figure this all out? It can be so overwhelming, like I said outside 3rd party help can be so beneficial.

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The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

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lindzay
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we don't live together and i'm 15 grade ten and he's 16 grade eleven.

I don't want to take a break though [Frown]
cause usually people who take breaks end up breaking up.
and I don't want to lose him.

I know this all might sound ridiculous because I am only 15, but i don't know. I just don't want to lose him.

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Alice
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Not always. And really, people who take a break and don't get back together have probably realized that the relationship just wasn't healthy & not worth it. 15 is young, but not so young that you aren't capable of having relationships and feelings and issues and opinions. [Wink]

One of the things though that I want you to keep in mind concerning your age is that setting yourself up early for unhealthy relationships is way too likely and unfortunate. And being isolated from friends makes the situation so much worse and can make you feel that much more helpless, you know?

So, do you have any support people in real life?

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The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

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Ovan
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I don't know if this will help you any, but your boyfriend is exactly how my aunts husband is, and it all started when he got her pregnant at 15. They are both constantly going through the "abuse cycle" and their lives are increasingly getting worse. She is on tons of illegally obtained antidepressants and painkillers, and totally brainwashed by him. He constantly follows her around in his car, and is constantly checking her cell phone to make sure she is not talking to other guys. And no matter how many times he beats her, she still is convinced she loves him and comes back.

We have tried countless times to get her out of this situation, but she just makes excuses like " but we've been together for so long" or "but he wants to be with his family", and ends up getting mad at us.

I don't want anyone else to have to go through any of that. And don't take this the wrong way, but if you stay with him, that's how your life might be.

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Not in cruelty
Not in Wrath
The Reaper came today
An Angel visited this gray path
And took the Cube away.....

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lindzay
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Alice - yes I understanmd what you mean.

and the only person I really talk to anymore is my best friend.
I can't really go to my parents because they don't know that we're dating because I'm not allowed to until I'm 16.
I could tlak to my sister? but It'd be kind of awkward.
so the only real person I have to talk to is my best friend.

Ovan - I think that's it's sad that so many people have to go through this stuff. and it sucks. i'm going to try and talk to him, and if that doesn't work, I don;t know what i'm going to do.

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Alice
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Your friend and your sister would be a good start (and really, talk to anyone who you feel you can trust). Your relationship is sounding to me like it's getting pretty seriously abusive and I would recommend getting some professional help with figuring out what exactly to do, such as a school counselor.

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The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

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atm1
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I'd also strongly suggest finding some professional help with this.

If I could reach out through my computer and offer you a hug, I would. You sound just like I did when I was in an abusive relationship. My abuser had me so convinced that I'd never find anyone else and that I was just plain unlovable that I couldn't even imagine leaving him. The one thing that made it doable was leaving and going to college on the other side of the country from him. I know how hard it is, and I'm not going to tell you to just leave him, because I know that feels impossible right now.

What are some of your hobbies? Are you involved in any clubs or sports? If you are, really through yourself into them, and if you're not, try to find a new project to work one that will connect you with more people and also just give you something to do away from him. You can always say that it's something your parents want you to do in case he protests you being busier. You should find a way to build a life that he is not involve in, so you can get a bit of distance and perspective. That way, too, if you do leave him, you won't feel like you have no idea what to do with yourself.

I just want you to know that people have been where you are and made it through. No matter what you do, it's probably going to get harder before it gets better, but it CAN get better. I didn't believe that when I was in the middle of everything...

I also remember how mad my abusive boyfriend got when I said no. He held me down and forced me while I cried. I didn't ever say no again, because I knew it wouldn't do any good and it would only make him hurt me more. I also remember how hard I cried the first time I called what he did what it was-rape. Forcing someone when they say no is rape. Making someone afraid to say no makes it rape too.

You don't deserve to have what's being done to you. No one does. It took me a very, very long time that I deserved to have a partner who not only respected no, but would only engage in sex once I had given an enthusiastic yes. That's what everyone deserves. And you can find someone who will give you that. I didn't believe it a long time ago, but it is true.

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-Lauren-
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Could you consider talking to your parents, lindzay?

I know it can be scary when you've "broken the rules", but if you have a generally decent relationship with your parents, they will care a lot more that you're in trouble and need their help than that you went against their limits.

It's like this in so many situations.. getting drunk at a party, getting pregnant/an STI, getting in a trouble with a friend they told you they don't want you to hang out with, getting frightened by advances of a stranger on the Net.. yes, they're all things your parents told you not to do, but their FIRST priority is getting you safe and taken care of, not to punish you. Any standard punishment anyway isn't nearly as miserable and detrimental as this.

So, if you can, please please, consider them as a form of support and guidance. That is, if they aren't abusive themselves.

[ 10-17-2008, 04:38 AM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

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lindzay
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Alice - I'll start talking to my freiend about the situations. My sister might take a little more time, but i'll try. And I'll look around for professional help too.

atm1 - I don't really have any hobbies anymore.. I used to be into volleyball and basket ball, but I don't want to do them anymore cause he said that we'd have less time to talk.. (texting mostly) and even when I told him I wanted to get a job he said that I shouldn't because then we'd have less time to hangout. [Frown] But I told myself that i was going to join the vball team this year. I really hope things will get better.

*Lauren* - I can't talk to my parents. They both think he's a respectful, polite boy. They only think we're friends. I could'nt tell them that.

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atm1
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Getting back into volleyball and looking for professional help will be some great steps, and I really encourage you to go through with them.

Also, I wanted to tell you that you've made a huge positive first step in talking about things here. You should really give yourself a big pat on the back for doing something so good for yourself.
Coming here to seek out help proves that you CAN take care of yourself, and you CAN do what's best for you, even if it's just one babystep at a time.

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lindzay
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I'll get back into volleyball and look for some professional help.

thank you so much.
you've been really supportive and helpful.
I really appreciate everything you've guys have told me.
I really feel like I could just say anything on here, it's been really helpful.
and again, thank you so much.

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atm1
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You're definitely welcome, and feel free to keep posting here whenever you need to talk about things.

Also, in terms of some professional help, I'm sure you can click on "Contact us" link and send some more information about where you are to the staff here, and they could help find someone to see.

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Teezii
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i am going to share with u a story about a cousin of mine... i hope u learn something from this i'll try to be as brief as possible but excuse me if it's long
my cousin met this boy and knew pretty much nuthing about what type of person he truly was she fell head over hills for him and i ended up getting pregnant because that's wat she felt that he wanted her to do and thought that would help keep him around. during her pregnancy this boy changed like something u would never believe he started out being controling and she stupidly listened to eveything he told her to do she started leaving home and going over his house ...etc he started to hit her and even went as far as kicking her in her stomach and sending her into a false alarm labor at about 4 or 5 months. her whole family turned against her because she was completly brain washed ova this dude. he kept her from calling home and everything. she had a beautiful lil girl who is turning 1 nxt mnth. my cousin is STILL sad to say addicted to this boy he's did the unbelievable including kicking down her door at her house throwing her clothes outside keeping her from her fam and friends breaking her phones all sorts of stuff. it's gotten to the point where pretty much everybody has washed their hands with her because it just seems that she'll never learn. on the rare occasions that she does come home she its always because they get into it. she always says that she's through and she's going to change. eventually a couple of days later she go's back to him. she even went as far as dropping charges against him when he got put in jail for an assault case that she filed when he fought her when pregnant. he would have spent 3 years in jail but she dropped the charges.... like wtf u think he wont beat your *** again?????? and i feel for my godbaby sooooooo much she's just a baby, innoscent she shouldnt have to witness those things. i kno this is a little far fetch to your situation but please resolve a problem before it expands to something this damn crucial. can u only imagine wat her family feels. that's my best friend my favorite cousin i wish i could just go rescue her. i wish it were just that simple.

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rmkrumm
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I was in this situation for two years until this past June. Let me tell you - I am 100 times more happy then I have ever been. This guy was very very possesive and very jealous. He would call me names and start fights with me, especially when he drank. He never physically abused me, but he would mentally abuse the **** out of me. I had NO guys friends. He was okay with my girl friends, but was constantly wanting me to only spend time with him. He made me cry at the least, once a week. When he was good to me, he was very very good to me, but when he was mean to me, he was a horrible person. It was always black or white with him. If this sounds like your situation, I would get out.

Do you REALLY want to feel this way for the rest of your life with this person? I know how hard it is to leave someone you love. It took me many tries to finally break up with him.

You have to remember that out there is someone who is perfect for you, there are many actually.
You can choose to be with someone who you love, but makes you unhappy, or go out there, spend some time finding out who you are and what you will put up with, and find that person one day! Because you will!

I am going on many different dates now with very nice gentlemen. You will be surprised how quickly you fall back in love.

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lindzay
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ugh.
he's doing it again.
:'(

we had a talk last friday i think and i tried to stay calm but i let some of it out. I started telling him that this was an unfair relationship and stuff. and i even told him that i would get upset if he went on the computer, because he dosen't let me on. one of the things he doesn't like me doing. I know it was wrong to say that if he goes on the computer, that i'd be upset, but i think that if he were to see it through my eyes, he might understand and change.
and then later, he told me about this friend, her name is sara, and she lives very far away. they've never met they only talk on msn and text? but he neevr told me about her. and when i asked him about her a while ago because she had messaged me over facebook he told me he had no idea who she was.(there's probably more i forgot to mention) but then he tells me that they're really close friends and she sent him a picture for his birthday and he was crying and everything and he says that he's sorry for lying to me and everything. and i tell him it's okay and that they can stay friends. and he told me he didn't want to be a hypocrite because i had to stop talking to my ex who i was best friends with who was a guy.. and then after that he told me that next friday i could go hangout with my best friend because i was so understanding about the whole sara situation, and i was happy because i thought he had changed.

so after that, we said that we would go a whole week without fighting. withough doing anything that would make each other mad. for him would be easy, he just doesn't have to go on the computer. me on the other hand.... i'm the on that's usually messing up..


sooo. today, i went on the computer and on my school email, to get an assignment and i stayed logged on the email? and he went on and seen that i had stayed logged on and he lost his mind. he was telling me he would leave me if i didn't get off and everything. ugh it was horrible.

turns out, he hasn't changed.. because now he's going to get mad and he said he'll breakup with me, and that i have to pick between him or her.. and it's just, UGH. [Frown]

and now here i am, once again, laying in my basement, crying my eyes out, watching the titanic.
I just needed to let this out, and i needed to tell someone.

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Heather
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Maybe it's time to call his bluff, eh?

People don't change overnight, and they don't tend to change at all unless THEY want to, for themselves.

How is this relationship actually benefitting you? How is it making the whole of your life better? Why would it be a bad thing if you two broke up?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lindzay
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I don't want to break up with im.
v_v

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Heather
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Could you try and answer those questions though, if not here, ever just for yourself?

How is this relationship actually benefitting you? How is it making the whole of your life better?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lindzay
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I'm happy when I'm with him.
but I'm also not.

ugh, I just don't know. v_v

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Heather
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Can I ask, lindzay, what your idea of a great, healthy relationship looks like?

In other words, if you could write a relationship that was as you think they should be, that was a relationship where both parties were happy and being loving towards one another, what would it be?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lindzay
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That is a good question Heather. I have to think about this one because the only kind of relationship I know, is the one I'm in.

A perfect, healthy relationship to me would be; one where both partners can speak to who ever they want, whenever they want. They're allowed to go on the computer, or text anyone. They can tell the other whatever they want and not be afraid of being judged. They can watch stupid kid shows and not be afraid to tell the other one, because they're afraid to be judged.
Not every relationship is perfect, so there will be fights, but not about every ilttle thing.
The only name calling should be: baby, babe, cutie. Nice names, not mean ones.
They both should be allowed to make decisions such as getting a job, school trips, joning a sport, without asking permission of the other one.

All in all, they should be happy to be with the other, and not feel like it is a burden. When they think of the other, their knees get weak and their heart beats faster. They should be able to think of them and see happy times, not only see bad times.
They should feel completely safe with them, and they should feel completely safe telling them anything.
They should be able to say that they are not being controlled, or brain washed by the other.

They shoulod be able to honestly say that; they love them.

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Heather
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Okay. So now you have a very reasonable list of the kind of relationships you deserve and need to have: and any that don't cut it for this list aren't relationships you should be in.

Print this list out. Tack it up somewhere you can see it. Just let it sink in. Really, you have listed some really basic stuff here: none of the things on this list are unrealistic or anything I'd call very high expectations (save that that weak-in-the-knees stuff tends to be more about sexual feelings and brand-new romance than what we see often in older romantic relationships: expecting that to be ever-present can be unrealistic).

For the record, it's highly unlikely you have never ever had another relationship besides this one: relationships aren't just romances. You have a relationship with your parent, parents or guardians, with friends, with any siblings, with teachers, with neighbors, the works. And it's not like romances get a pass on requiring less than those other relationships provide.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lindzay
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Okay, I'll let it sink in.

And I guess I have has other relationships because my parents, siblingss, friends, etc. But I mean I have not been in a different relationship, boyfriend wise; none that I would consider real anyways. Well, except one when I was twleve, but then we broke up and he was the ex that I mentioned in past posts that was my best friend, that I don't talk to anymore.

(save that that weak-in-the-knees stuff tends to be more about sexual feelings and brand-new romance than what we see often in older romantic relationships: expecting that to be ever-present can be unrealistic) = true. haha.

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