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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Am i being abused?

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Author Topic: Am i being abused?
iberis
Neophyte
Member # 38822

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I've been in a relationship for the past 19 months. I love my boyfriend a lot n he loves me too. We both plan to marry as soon as we settle our proffessional life. Wen we started dating, he had already appeared for an exam. N within 1-2 months the results were declared n he couldn't get thru. He was sad but he wanted to appear for the same exam next year. He started preparing again n wanted me too to sit for the same exam. Both of us started preparing together n appeared for the exam. Finally wen the results were out, both did not manage to clear the exam.
That was the time he started blaming me for his failure in his proffessional life. he used foul language. i thought he was hurt n lost 2years so i took all wat he said. after abusing for 2-3 days he partially regretted but dint talk much about it. he said i was responsible for his loss n so i had to take it.
Ater this, he started criticizing my family every time we fought. Moreover he never regretted. After the arguments are over, wenever i try to try to tell his mistake n how he hurts me, he makes me feel its all my mistake n I ought to take this.
Sometimes he does regret n promises not to repeat but he's been doing so over-and-over again.. He just can't stop hurting me by speaking ill.. he's been speaking such a foul language, i've never even heard in my life.. n i never want to..
I really love him n i don't want to lose him or spoil this relation. Is this all normal? I can't imagine my life without him.. What do i do?

Posts: 4 | From: India | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Iberis: what you are describing is verbal and emotional abuse. And it will probably keep escalating over time, and may also, in time, escalate to other abuses, like physical or sexual abuses. A life with him is likely to be like what you're experiencing now: is that really a life you want and envision for yourself?

I'd strongly encourage you to reconsider your plans to tie yourself to this person and to stick with them. I know it's tough when you love someone, but what he's showing you back isn't love. In other words, you love him, but we don't love someone we abuse. You aren't spoiling this: he is making these choices.

Have you had a look at this yet: Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
iberis
Neophyte
Member # 38822

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I understand that life will be the same.. but its hard for me to end it.. atleast wen he is going thru a tough time.. I think i'll give him some more time hoping for him to change...
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Just know that with someone who is becoming abusive, there most likely will always be something for them which justifies abuse. So, even if his work issues resolve themselves, he will likely just find some other "reason" to be abusive.

People who begin these patterns of behavior do not usually change -- instead, they usually escalate, becoming more abusive over time -- unless they acknowledge they are being abusive and seek real help, and expend real effort TO change.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
iberis
Neophyte
Member # 38822

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hmmm... i understand... He has promised he'll seek help n will see a psychiatrist as soon as he settles down... I hope that helps !!
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I hope it does, too. I'd be more optimistic if he'd get help now, though, since his settling down isn't likely without help, and in the meantime, it's you being harmed, not him. Abusive people will often make promises for change or help in the future that rarely pan out: it's when they are willing to get help NOW, and stop their behavior NOW that matters and is worth something.

Just do yourself a favor and at least have a solid plan -- like people who love you who will help keep him away from you should you part -- to get away and stay away from him should he keep escalating. Even if you're not willing to consider leaving just yet, making your safety dependent on his changing isn't sound, nor is it a way to take care of yourself.

[ 06-11-2008, 02:14 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
iberis
Neophyte
Member # 38822

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Thanx... i will keep these things in mind... i am seeing a change in his behaviour for the past few days... he got a new job n he is happy now.. he no more shouts at me... once he got really angry but he dint abuse me.. n i am really happy about it.. may be all was because he had his own frustrations.. Thanx for sparing time for me...
Posts: 4 | From: India | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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