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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » rape (Page 3)

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todaytomorrownever
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he was really nice, asked if i was ok, and said no worries was watching a bad film anyway be there in half an hour, stay strong.

ive eaten like normal for probably the first since last month, ive been sick 5 times day, coughed up quite alot of blood and feels like im breatheing in but not getting any oxygen if that makes sence, i cant cant do deep breathes, feels like being stanged.

im really scred, keeping my eyes open is getting kinda hard, ive got water but keep choking

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todaytomorrownever
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i'm gonna be ok arn't i?
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hs123
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Well then, it's a good thing youre going to the hospital.
It sounds like you might also be having a panic attack though. You might try just rubbing some ice on your neck, or putting a wet cloth on your forehead to relax you a bit. But trying to take deep breaths really is the way to go.

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todaytomorrownever
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i get panic attacks, this isnt one of them, i dont no how to explain it, shaking too
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hs123
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Well then you need to make sure to tell the doctor all of this so he can give you the proper treatment.
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todaytomorrownever
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ok im off, wish me luck, i think i need it, i coughed more blood up (ALOT)

he's gonna come in with me, atleast for alittle while, said i look like crap lol he said im frozen! but he touched my arm! he's gonna help me to the car but im scared of him holding me even if he is just helping!!

im still scared.

i will message again when i'm back from the hospital. hopefully soon!

thank you everyone.

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hs123
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Good luck!
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todaytomorrownever
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Firstly i would really like to apoligise for the way i spoke the other night, i'm also very sorry i didn't listen to what you were telling me to do and for wasting your time, as you all told me about 5 times to go to hospital. i'm really thankful to all of you!

i got back from the hospital a couple of hours ago after 3 nights in hospital, i suffered from three broken ribs which caused a punctured lung, i had to have a chest tube but everything is ok now.

when i got there my work friend took me in and i ahd a panic attack on top of not really being able to breathe! he was really helpful, held my hand the doctor asked what the problem was, i said i'd hurt my ribs and finding it hard to breathe, he gave me one of those things over my mouth to help me breathe and asked to have a look, i told my work friend to leave and he said ok but if you need me i will leave my number here, wrote it down and left. the doctor examined me, asked how this happened, i told him someone stamped on me and that was all i wanted to say, he asked if i wanted police, a lady doctor or anything and i said i just wanted to be treated, he seemed to understand all that. i wanted the police sort of but i thought i had enough to deal with. everything happened quite quickly!

what i didn't know til today was my work friend had stayed in the waiting room all night when i got there and the next day and kept asking if he could see me, but the doctor said no, and my work friend left, he took me home today and bought me a film to watch!

luckily my mum still doesn't know, i text her before i got to the hospital saying i was staying at my friend for the next couple of nights and text again last night to say one more night.

thank you for caring


todaytomorrownever
3.22pm

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Heather
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I'm very glad you were able to get the care you needed and tend to that injury.

If I might make a suggestion? I'm only somewhat familiar with issues of parents and minors in the UK when it comes to healthcare, but it's very surprising to me given the kind of care you needed that your mother was not called.

That said, to my understanding, she will likely be informed or find out in some way that you got that care.

It sounds to me like you care for her and have a good relationship. That given, she's probably going to be pretty hurt when she finds out all or some of what has gone on here and that you didn't ask for her help and weren't honest with her. I understand that for you, you think you're sparing her hurt, but a caring parent is likely to be way more hurt by not being asked for help or informed than the opposite.

You need some extra help and support anyway, so I'd just suggest that you consider telling her about at least some of this, particularly since she is likely to be informed in some way, and finding out from a hospital or someone else is pretty intense when you know your kid needed help and care.

Obviously, this is all up to you, and what you need should come first, no matter what. But like I said, you also clearly need some help here processing all of this and making sure you have a real plan to stay safe from here on out. They also likely told you at the hospital that a lung injury needs to be watched closely after care, so your Mom not knowing what to watch for per if you might need to be rushed in for care again due to complications is just pretty dangerous for you. A punctured lung being 100% fine after just a day and a half of treatment would be pretty unlikely.

Since you didn't report so you don't have that help, and since she's likely to be a lot more heartbroken knowing you needed help and didn't feel you could ask her for it, I'd encourage you to talk to your Mom, okay?

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todaytomorrownever
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why would the hospital tell her? i'm 19?!
yer they said i should rest etc. but i cant i have that work trip tomorrow.

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Heather
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My apologies: I thought you were 17 for some reason.

But yes, by all means, taking a work trip right now would be a bad idea, and again, I'd just encourage you to be sure that anyone you live with does know about this injury in the case of a complication.

And if, again, you just don't want to let your mother in on any of this, do be sure someone you can easily get in touch with at any time knows, and that you also work on a plan to ensure your safety to prevent further attacks from any of these guys, okay?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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todaytomorrownever
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i talk to by best friend every hour by text or phone, she knows.

i have to take the work trip previding im ok enough in the morning.

how can i ensure my safety?

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hs123
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Look, its really important for you to not take that trip. With an injury like this, you should be getting lots of rest, and be within reach of the hospital with someone to take care of you in case things go bad fast.

It's really important for your health that you get a lot of rest.

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Heather
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In terms of ensuring your safety, you can do things like telling the people at your workplace NOT to let your boyfriend or that guy that cut you in. You can make sure that while these folks are looking to harass you, that you're not hanging out alone in that place where you smoke, and ask friends to keep your company when you're taking walks. You can just have an eye out when it comes to being sure your house is secure and safe. You can get a new phone so your ex cannot contact you anymore.

But again, you have the numbers for those local resources. They can not only provide you counseling and support, but they'll also know all about the systems of protections you can use locally, whether you report these assaults or not. So I'd continue to encourage you to use those resources.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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todaytomorrownever
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i was ok on the trip today, train was abit cramped but part from that i was ok, on guard alot, bit panicy but not bad:)
i don't smoke down the road anymore dw! i guess i could tell people at work we spilt up and he's not happy or something so don't let them in?

new phone-expensive-i guess new sim, does that change your number?

i enjoy time on my own sometimes though and weather nice at the moment!!

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Heather
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Well, obviously right now you shouldn't be smoking at all with a lung injury. I'm certain they would have made that VERY clear at the hospital. And if they told you not to travel, you really should have followed their advice.

And sure: you could tell the people at work that and make clear he's been harassing you, and leave it at that.

Changing your phone number works fine, so long as the old number doesn't just redirect someone to your new number.

Per the rest, just be smart about it. being outside is only enjoyable if you're not being attacked. Again, you can file reports and get extra helps with your safety, but if you're unwilling to do that, you have to simply play things more cautiously on your own, which would include walking alone if you know -- and your experience here hearkens to that -- that there is a group of people who are stalking you and who have been attacking you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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todaytomorrownever
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oh no no i'm not smoking lol, im not stupid!! even though i feel like i need one.

i know i should of listened to then about not traveling but id explained couldnt get out of it was really important and happens to be a three day course, 2 more days to do, 1hr30 travel there and back and 7 hours there!
taken it out of me abit.

your right, i dont wanna go out on my own if thats gonna happen. will they stop??

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Heather
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Will they stop?

There's just no way of predicting that. Often, unless people who assault and abuse find another target, or move out of reach of the person they are targeting, no, they don't stop. Since it's clear this is not a one-time assault issue when it comes to your ex, but something with an ongoing history, it's best to assume that no, he won't stop when it comes to your safety.

So, you have to make choices. You can report and get outside help, legal or otherwise, in getting them to stop, or you can adapt your life so that it is tougher for he and his friends to get to you. In many cases, a person may need to do both.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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todaytomorrownever
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im pregnant
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elektra13
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oh, sweetie, i'm so, so sorry.
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Heather
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I don't know how you determined a pregnancy, but if you have determined it in a reliable way -- one presumes you asked for a pregnancy test while hospitalized for your injury, given you're on a work trip, so buying pregnancy tests probably wasn't on your agenda, though pregnancy tests in the hospital don't take days: they would have told you right away, since they also would have needed to take a pregnancy into account in treating you -- then it's time to, again, reach out to those in-person resources I gave you to discuss your options and get help dealing with all of this.

Marie Stopes -- http://www.mariestopes.org.uk/ -- is an additional resource available for you to use when it comes to reproductive choices and verifying pregnancy.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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todaytomorrownever
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they told me at the hospital but i dunno i didnt think about it like kinda blocked it out, didnt believe them.
on the work trip yesterday it hit me and i got a pregnancy test and did it, dunno why but i needed to no by myself, find it hard believing people, especially when they are trying to help.

why don't i feel anything? i dont get happy, sad, anything, just like a robot or sumthing, someone can say a really funny joke and i wont laugh.

why do i keep going odd? everything round me stops and its like its happening all over again.

i just want all this to stop, now.

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Heather
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I strongly feel at this point that you need to make contact with one of all of these resources I've given you, especially now that you're including a pregnancy in the mix.

Given all of these different facets of what is going on -- and the fact that two of them at a minimum require in-person healthcare -- I'd feel a lot more comfortable considering to provide you support and counsel if it was secondary to the kind of support someone in the spots you're in needs. I', feeling like at this point, relying solely on help here -- especially given the limits we've explained -- may be more enabling than helpful.

So, please contact one of the rape support networks as well as either Marie Stopes or a healthcare provider regarding your pregnancy, depending on what you intend to do with a pregnancy, or if you need counseling about what choice to make and what your options are. When you do that, you can let us know and I'd be happy for us to continue to provide an extra support to the kind of foundational care and counseling I think is needed here.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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todaytomorrownever
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i took your advice, i looked at the links you sent me and rang a few of them, im thinking about going to see them but havent quite been able to yet, keep chickening out. i got an abortion, im too young and not ready for a child let alone the circumstances.

i confided in one more friend, a work friend, didn't really mean to but got into work hurt and upset(i had 2 broken fingers), i told her everything though texts so i didn't have to say anything and shes going to help me if she can, shes said i can go stay with her if i want and she said shed come to the police with me when im ready.

i tried to commit suicide on the 17th of may but failed and im glad i failed. i still hurt myself, but i want to stop that now too.

thank you for all your help it was really helpful being able to write all this down, probably saved me!

this is the best website i've found for people like me and the fact you guys give your time to help people like me is amazing.

thank you again

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Heather
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How did you break two fingers?

I'm glad you were able to tell someone else, and glad they have been supportive. I'd just encourage you to be as aware of you can when it comes to if you're really safe with yourself right now. If you are trying to suicide or self-harming, it's really be best to be sure anyone you live with knows about that so they can help you stay safe.

If you had an abortion at Marie Stopes, I'm shocked they didn't ask you at any point in the process about your assault and give you any resources. If they did, again, I'd encourage you to connect with those.

We're happy to help and I'm glad we've been of any help, but I remain concerned that you're in need of help and support that is in-person with some of this seeming to still be in a crisis-state. Please do what you can for yourself to keep yourself sane and to do what you really need to in order to care for yourself.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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todaytomorrownever
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long story about the broken fingers, my ex boyfriend obviously was involved but nothing in comparision to the other attacks.

i dont feel safe on my own, i just think of things to hurt myself with, think of the easiest way to die, bleach, knife, drugs, alcohol. but i ring someone or write what im feeling like down and then rip it up, dunno why but kinda helps! i also heard ice on ur skin helps, like hurts but doesnt bleed/mark ur skin, thats sort of ok in a way.

my work friend and me are meeting up next week and gonna sort stuff out abit, sort out where and what i have to do to make all this stop.

i feel different im not saying im over it, its just changed, the abortion and everything, i dont want to go though that again, dont want to be hurt like that again by anyone, i feel stronger but weaker in my self, keep thinking what i did to deserve this, why i let it get this bad. but i keep asking myself what i want to happen next, i want a life, i dont want to end it at 19 years old, this is meant to be the best time of life, but its just hard sometimes isnt it?

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September
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Again, it really sounds like it's past high time you got some outside help. Talking to friends at work is a great way to build a support system, but friends cannot replace therapy, and if you are self-harming and having suicidal thoughts, you really do need professional help.

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Johanna
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todaytomorrownever
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thats what im trying to do, get the professional help but im too scared to do it and want a friend to help me get to that stage
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Leabug
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(Just so you know, holding ice against your skin for a very long time can still cause permanent damage- you may end up giving yourself frostbite.)

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Lea

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Heather
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I just want to posit something to you.

If your ex attacked you yet again, in any way, and you STILL are not informing who you live with (your mother) or the police, it sounds to me like you may be being passively suicidal here.

In other words, if you're not taking any concrete action to protect yourself from someone who very clearly, based on all of these posts, fully intends to keep doing you physical harm and causing you injury, some of your inaction may be due to the fact that you are suicidal and some part of you knows it's possible your ex may someday just do the job for you.

I'm aware that's very blunt, but it is something one sees a lot with some domestic/relationship violence situations. Some part of you has to know, if for no other reason that simple observation of what has gone on here routinely, that your ex is not just going to leave you alone, and that if you do nothing -- and avoidance really doesn't count -- to stop this, it will continue and may well kill you. Abusers escalate. It is what they do. They rarely just get bored and move on, and if and when they do, it's usually only because they found someone else to abuse.

So, maybe if you still can't find a way to care about protecting yourself, you might find some extra motivation in knowing that doing so will also likely protect other women, too.

I'm not saying this to be hurtful, but to alert you that if you value your life and your quality of life, you are going to need to seek help to actively protect it.

Yes, all of this stuff is hard. But there are protections you could get in place, things you could do to improve your situation and your quality of life, and while they can be challenging to do, you've got to do them if you want things to start being any different. Taking action is tough and often scary at first, but AFTER you finally do, things slowly start to get easier. If you don't, they are likely to only stay tough or get tougher.

So, again, all I can really do is encourage you to take all the advice you have been given here to heart and start taking some real action that has the possibility of netting actual results.

(Secondarily, it sounds to me like there might be some denial going on in your house. A mother you're living with is going to simply be unable of not noticing all of the severe injuries you are reporting here. A person can only fall down the stairs or what have you so often. So, at this point, your mother has to know something is going on. So, I'd advise since you live with her that you just tell her this: it's not going to be a surprise at this point. However, given that it's so unlikely she doesn't know, it seems clear that even if you tell her, you may need some other help, such as via the police, since if she hasn't made any calls at this point herself, or done anything to intervene here, she's not likely to be of much help.)

[ 06-06-2008, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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todaytomorrownever
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that was quite blunt.

i love him, please dont forget i love him.

please don't talk about my mum like that, if u look at me the only think that looks wrong is my fingers, and i lied to her about that, he never really makes injuries i cant hide. my mum loves me and if she thought anything was wrong shed ask, we have a good relationship, i cant break her heart!! my mum would help, you dont know her!

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