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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » confused

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Author Topic: confused
Member # 37769

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Well... ok I feel a little weird talking about this on here, but my boyfriend and I have been together for almost six months now and I have my own place with my roommates but have been sleeping at his place a lot the past couple months. He has kind of a big sex drive and we sex a lot during the day or whenever we get a chance which is fine with me. Don't get me wrong I like sex, I just wouldn't otherwise choose to have it as often as he likes to. But anyway, when we get in arguments or fights I feel like my punishment to him is to deprive him of sex. Well when I do this he gets extremely angry, even kind of violent and sometimes, I don't know really what to call it, he like forces himself on me.

But I know that sex is a really important thing to most guys and it can be hard to control themselves after they're ready to go. He is usually never like this any other time though and he would do anything to protect me and I really love him. I'm just not sure, like I don't know it can be scary you know. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong I know that it's stupid and juvenile of me to say 'we can't have sex' like I'm taking it away or something when we fight but I'm just really confused and I'm not sure what I should do or if this is a situation where I really need to do anything or if I'm just being dumb. I know I can over think things sometimes it's just been happening more often and I'm just sort of scared to talk to him about it.

I'm really sorry, I've been babbling I sound stupid I know you probably have a lot more important things to talk about but thanks anyway for your time.

Posts: 2 | From: united states | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 28076

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Hi, msl2600- welcome to Scarleteen.

When someone has sex with you after you've made it clear that you're not interested in engaging in or continuing to engage in sexual activities at that time with them, it's rape.

It doesn't matter if your refusal to have sex is a type of punishment: while it's best to not use sex as a bargaining chip, reward, or penalty, any time someone says no to sex, for any reason, their partner should respect that.

While to many people (both girls and guys) sex can be really, really important, its importance should never surpass their respect for their partner. Someone who feels they "can't help themselves" can always masturbate.

You say that you really love your boyfriend, but are these the actions of someone who cares about, loves, and respects you?

I would strongly urge you to reconsider being in a relationship at all with this person. You write that you're scared to talk to your boyfriend about the situation- if you decide to leave, you don't owe him an explanation of why you're leaving. If you're scared of his reaction if you either bring up the subject or break up with him, consider having a friend there with you, or doing it over the phone.

You might also want to take a look at Advice from an Abuse Survivor, Dealing With Rape, and The Abusive Partner Checklist.

Please let us know if there's anything we can do.

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. -Douglas Adams.

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Posts: 446 | From: Seattle | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 36488

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I agree with Nicole.

A caring partner respects your boundaries and would never force him or herself on you. That is rape and it is never okay, not for any reason.

It can be hard for people to want to be intimate or have sex soon after an argument. We might still be upset or confused. We might need more time to work through our feelings, talk more about the problem or just take some space.

I do not think you are being at all stupid for feeling the way you do or for asking for help here. I think the first is perfectly normal and the second is smart and brave. [Smile]

Posts: 9 | From: Canada | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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