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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » abusive relationship ... hope i can help just one person by telling my story ...

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Author Topic: abusive relationship ... hope i can help just one person by telling my story ...
Member # 36631

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It is funny, when you start dating someone you get butterflies inside and thing who knows this could be the one. My story starts by meeting who I thought was a great guy so lost his father when he was young, and had a heart condition and wasn't going to live much longer. Little did I know that he created a way to make me feel sorry for himself so I would support him much more then I ever should. It all started a month into the relationship when we were out one night and we got back to my place. He told me he loved me and wanted to show it to me by sleeping with me. I kept telling him no because I had never had sex with anyone before, and I didn't want to give myself to someone after a month. Well he told me not to worry because we were going to be together for ever. You would think that I should have known better considering I was 20 at the time, but he had such a way to talk to you to get you to give in, so that night we did sleep together. After the fact he told me that he though I was lieing about being with someone until i was bleading everywhere. Well that one night led me to go to the student center and get on the patch because the last thing that I wanted was to have a child. When he found out he flipped out and told me not to worry, because what i put into my body would mess with the medicine that he was on for his heart condition, so he convinced me to go off. Well it turns out it led to more sex all the time, I am talking up to 3 times a day. It got to the point to where I told him I am tired and sick of it, but kept doing it because I wanted to make him happy.

Well 4 months into the relationship I wanted to introduce him to my parents. When they met him they told me they didnt' want me to see him anymore because I was too good for him. At the time I didnt' believe them and thought it was the first guy that I introduced them to and therefore they were just telling me that he wasn't good enough so I would continue to date other people until i found mr right. We left and drove the 800 miles back to the campus and on the way back, something was said and he went to go and punch the dashoard, but instead hit my leg. I started to breakdown and cry but he told me he was sorry and didnt' mean to hit me because he was aiming for the dashboard. I later brushed off that insident. A couple of weeks later was my birthday and he took me out to dinner and invited two of my friends. The dinner was great and I was injoyng myself greatly. When we left we had to go back to my apartment because I forgot my ID crazy of me because it was my 21st bday. Anyway when we got back to my apartment he went off on how my friends were completly disrespecting him, and he didn't want to go out that night to the bar because his night was ruined. He later crawled into bed next to me and told me how sorry he was for ruining my night, and agian slept together. Little did I know he may not of bought me a gift for my birthday but nine months later my little girl was born.

A few months later I had to move out of my apartment and he told me that he would help me move. Well it turns out I ended up moving my whole apartment by myself. I could have called my friends but they were not talking to me at this point because he started to control my everymove. So i moved my apartment to a new apartment a few miles away. When i moved in I put pictures up and started to settle in when he came over for the first time. He decided it was time to slap me across the face for every picture of a guy that i had up on my walls. Let me remind you 90% of my friends were guys. I believe he slapped me over 200 times that night right across the face. With the marks on my face he decided to stay at my side for so many days so i couldn't take a picture of my face or anyone else couldn't see until my face was back to normal. He then went through my closet and took any clothes that he said were too reveiling and cut them up with sissors, and threw all my makeup away. He kept telling me he didnt' want me to look like a whore, like everyone else my age. he then had is friends come after me and send me pictures of things that they would do to me if I ever disrespected him again. Not pictures of rape or anything, but where they would "stuff" me until i learned my lesson. At this time I am about 3 months pregnant.

After classes started up he told me that I had to call him every 30 mins or not to go home. It started to scare me so much that I would be watching my watch religiously so he wouldnt' hit me yet again. A couple months later I was still spotting and going through a lot but my stomach started to get hard, so I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was scary they tell you to wait 5 mins and this one was instant defiantly pregnant. Now at this point I would have been about 5 months along without any signs that I was pregnant. When I told him the first thing out of his mouth was you are going to have an abortion and that is it. The next day I went back to class like everything was the same. That day I got really light headed for the first time and had to laydown on a bench outside in the hallway from my class. When i called him almost an hour later instead of 30 mins later he told me dont' worry as long as nothing happened to me and wondered if i was ok. Well when i got home he told me that i completly disrespected him and he was going to leave and never come back and not to contact him again. Well the door slamed and I though he walked out I was crying with rejoyce. Well it turned out he walked into my kitchen and got a wooded spoon and then came back around the corner. next thing I know he told me that I disrespected him and that I was going to pay. he raised his hand and was going to swing for my stomach and my first reaction was to turn so he wouldnt' hurt my daughter. he then proceded to swing and hit me until my lower back and *** were completly black and blue. He then proceeded to walk to the freezer and get a bag of frozen veggies and told me he didnt' want to do it but it was the only way to teach me a lesson, and then walked out. For a week i couldnt' sit and i had to lay on my stomach or side for the next week. At this point I would have been close to about 28 weeks along, so I couldnt' lay on my stomach for longer then like 2 secs at a time. By the time he was able to take me to planned parenthood they told me that I was 32 weeks along. And they told me that there was no way i could have an abortion. Well my prayers were answered because I knew from the time that I found out i was pregnant there was no way i wanted to take her life.

The next couple of months were better there was no hitting no degrating twoards me no nothing literally, he never came around except to go to the doctors apointments. When it came time for me to go to the hospital, I ended up taking a taxi, and called him throughout the day. He told me that his mom had fallen and he had to take her to the hospital instead that was over an hour away. he ended up not even stopping by the hospital that night. It was 2 days later before he even showed up with the car seat and a change of clothes for my daughter so i could take her home. That day he thought was the day he was going to take us out of there but it turns out the doctor said i could stay another couple of days if i wanted because i was there for that long by myself. Well he got mad and stopped out after 10 mins and told me that i was a bothersome to him for telling him to come and get me. Well that was my last straw i then decided at that point not to put his name on the birth certificate so he was only the sperm donor for my daughter. he came back two days later to then take us home and of course all i wanted was to get home at the time and then for him to leave again. Well when we got back to my apartment it turns out I had no food left in my fridge, so i gave him my atm card and he went and got food for me to eat for the next couple of weeks. Well it was fine until he returned and then i learned he took all my money out of my atm and bought me $100 worth of food just to pocket the rest. When he left it was the last time that I saw him for another couple of weeks. The came in told me he would take me to the grocery store to get more food, well when we got back he left and took my car keys so i couldn't leave, and left the two of us stranded until he happened to show up again.

This went on for some time. Things then started to fall back to where they were before, instead of hitting me though he would come over in the middle of the night and force himself on me with my daughter right next to the bed. I can't tell you how many times she woke up and he said to me don't move just let me finish and then you can get her. The last few times he would put a gun on the bedside table and told me that if i didn't make him fully happy I wouldnt' see my daughter again. So I would make him happy and do what I had to do to protect my daughter. I was then able to get up and calm her down, and then he would make me jump into the shower so i couldn't get a rape test done even if i did call the cops and an ems. This went on for a long time. When my daughter was 6 months old I missed another period and had a miscarrage from one of the times that he rapped me, i would have been about 6 weeks along. The only reason why I knew i had a misscarrage is because of research on the computer. I know that sounds crazy but at least i could try to understand what was going on with my body, because like i said he had taken my car keys and had not given them back. I dont' belive in abortion but i was heartbroken and relieved all at the same time. When i think about it even today it breaks my heart.

Well i ended up going back to school and getting my degree over the next few months. When I finished school he told me to go back home to my family because they were the only people who would stand by me because no one else would ever accept me. Little did he know I may not have had any physical evidence to press charges against him, but after dealing with some of what he was doing to me, i decided to put up tape recorders and record what he said to me so i could press charges. I talked to an atterny and he couldn't believe i went to that extreem but all i could think of was how to "get even." it turns out it was enough, to press charges. However he only got a couple of years. Now that he is out, i have nightmares all the time thinking that he is coming back after me, and it scared the crap out of me. I havn't really taked about the whole thing until just recently, a few years after i have last seen him. And it has started to help me heal and live a stronger life. That is why I wanted to put my story out there so other people could know that they are not alone. And if people do have family that they were told not to talk to, family is always by their side and go back to them, they will always be there for them.

Its amazing how someone can brainwash you, and you focus on only them. They make you think one way and only one way is the way to go. It has almost screwed up my relationships now. I recently found a guy who i fell madly in love with. Well we broke up but remained friends. A couple of months ago he told me that letting me go was the biggest mistake he made and thought about my daughter and I every day, ironically it was mutual. Well i found out he started seeing another girl a week and a half after telling me that, because i told him that i was scared to go through it again, because loosing him once was hard enough. When i realized that i would take another chance i put my heart out on the line and all i wanted to do was talk it over with him. I guess it scared him off because he then told me that he wanted to be with me up until i put everything on the line. I wish he would have told me that is the one big turn off before now. Not that i want to blame it on a past relationship, but when you are told what to wear, how to act, what to say, who to look at, or talk to so you don't get slapped, degrated or raped because of something that you say or do. Maybe he is not the one for me but he opened up my eyes that you have to be who you are and your own person in a realtionship. I will always love him and want him to be part of my life and my daughters life, even if it is not as a husband and dad, but as a brother and uncle. He was a gift that was brought into our lives at just the right time to make me realize that i can find someone amazing to spend the rest of my life with.

I hope that I have just touched one person who may have read this, and then i know i have done my job by telling my story. If anyone wants to talk to please feel please free to contact me at edited. I almost feel like it is my "job" now to reach out and help others get out of abusive situations.

[ 01-20-2008, 08:03 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Posts: 2 | From: St. Louis | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey efro, thanks for sharing your story here and for being so open and brave. First-person accounts like this are very helpful and important for a lot of people.

I did edit your post, only to remove your email. As the user registration agreement everyone reads when they register here states, for the privacy and safety of our users here, we don't allow anyone who is not staff to publicly post email addresses. Thanks!

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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