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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Rape by a best friend.

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Author Topic: Rape by a best friend.
Mortality
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I posted a question on the main board and Heather said that I could come here.

I don't really know what to do. I was planning on talking to my school's nurse, but I just don't have the courage to do that... I also don't really feel confident enough to tell most of my friends. Right now there are three people I know IRL that knows what happend.

One of them I'm kinda pissed off at right now. When I just described what happened he basically said that the girl was at fault. So that made it even harder to actually tell someone else.

The other person who knows was also raped so I felt pretty confident that she wouldn't tell me I was to blame.

And my boyfriend knows.

Anyway, I have no idea what to do...

Posts: 122 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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Welcome to the boards, Mortality.

I'm really sorry that you're finding yourself in this situation. Being betrayed by a close friend like that really hurts on several levels and isn't something that's easy to deal with by any stretch of the imagination.

First off, about your friend: You are not to blame. Heather already explained that in her reply to you. You did absolutely nothing wrong. All you had to do was say NO, that should have been enough, and clearly you did tell him no. And if this guy had been a real friend, or just any sort of a devent guy, he would have left it at that. Everything that happened from then on was very definitely HIS fault.

The best thing you can do for yourself at this point is talk to a professional about it. If you're not ready to tell someone face to face, you can always start by calling a crisis hotline in your area. They're a great place to start if you just want to talk and get everything out without judgement, and they will also be able to tell you about the resources in your area so you can seek them out once you feel raedy for that.

And I know that it is hard to deal with something like this, and easy to place the blame with yourself. I would know, as I have been there: I was raped by a close friend nearly three years ago. I initially blamed myself, as well, and even tried to maintain the friendship for a while until it all got too much for me and I finally called a crisis hotline in the middle of the night and by the end of the conversation I knew that I needed to get help. It still isn't easy. But things can get better.

It takes a long time and a lot of courage, but things can get better. You've just got to start somewhere. Posting here is already a great start. The next step would be getting in-person help, and you'll get there in your own time.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Mortality
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I don't have to see him ever again, thank god for that! He moved to another country.

Right now, I don't think I could talk to someone professional about it. I'm to nervous/scared/ashamed to do that. But I hope someday I will...

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Heather
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Mortality, just wanted to check in and see how you've been doing over the past few days.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mortality
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Mostly I've been coping by ignoring it or writing long rambling posts on my blog. I've just started e-mailing with one of my readers who went through pretty much the same thing and at about the same time.

I told my mum that I think this guy is an ******* but no real specifics. I think she's guessed part of it but not all... And I really scared of telling her what happened.

I haven't told anyone I know in real life apart from my boyfriend, but I'm planning on telling a few close friends so they can help me get over it. I'm also planning on seeking out professional help sometime, right now the thought of it just makes me panic...

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Heather
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Sounds like you're making some connections: that's great.

Too, to process a rape, it's not like you have to think about it all the time, so I hope during the times you ignore it or focus on other things you don't feel like you're somehow being in denial. if any of us thought about our rapes 24/7 we'd probably lose our minds: it's healthy to balance time spent processing it with time spent NOT doing that.

One other thing I found helped me during times I was processing sexual assault (and during the times I do it still) is making sure I was doing things for myself that are about enjoyment and ownership of my body. Martial arts, taking long bike rides, dancing, swimming, having good sex, getting massages, soaking in a tub, what have you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mortality
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Having good partnered sex and getting a massage my boyfriend can help me with. Just the fact that he loves going down on me helps. The idiot from last summer said that he wouldn't go down on a girl unless she was completely bald but refused to shave himself.

My boyfriend is really great and as far as "warning signs" for abusive relationships he's basically the opposite. He never gets jealous, he makes sure he's not taking too much time from other things in my life and he's helped improve my self esteem (I used to have major issues with that....)

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Heather
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That's great you have such a fantastic partner. [Smile]

I'd just also advice being sure that the bodywork you do for yourself is also just as often JUST for you. One reason why that is is that one of the common effects of any kind of sexual abuse can be it seeming like that is ALL our bodies are for is sex, or that our bodies are only relevant when they are about someone else in some way.

So, I'd just also consider some of those other things, or arranging a massage sometime from a pro. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mortality
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Dancing is something I love, just moving with the music, not thinking, not caring... I definitely need more of that^^

Sometimes when my boyfriend really wants sex and I don't I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I'm saying no... I know that I'm not doing anything wrong, but it still feels like I'm doing something wrong. Could that be cos of the rape?

(Just a note, my boyfriend has never pressured me into anything and if I want to stop in the middle of it all he'll stop. He'll never do anything I'm not ok with.)

Also, right now me going down on him is something I can't handle. I was raped both orally and vaginally, but the oral part felt the worst. At that moment I wouldn't have minded having vaginal sex with someone I wanted to have sex with, but I really, really, really didn't want to go down on a guy.

I don't like how going down on boyfriend triggers bad memories, cos it is usually something I enjoy..

Sorry if this post is inconsistent..

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Heather
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quote:
Sometimes when my boyfriend really wants sex and I don't I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I'm saying no... I know that I'm not doing anything wrong, but it still feels like I'm doing something wrong. Could that be cos of the rape?
Well, it could be, but at the same time, that's something that a lot of women struggle with. Go look at the results of the poll on the front page for a pretty big wake-up[ call when it comes to that. Women get SO many messages about sexual "duty," about how x kind of relationship means sex is then required, and/or about how men have sexual "needs" women are supposed to fulfill, that a woman doesn't need to have survived rape or other sexual abuse to do battle with these kinds of feelings.

But no, you're not doing anything wrong, nor is there any reason to feel you are.

Per the oral sex and triggers, it's likely that in good time, that will get better -- especially if you can process the rape more and learn to deal with triggers -- especially since it's an activity you otherwise enjoy. Sure, it might NOT get better, but even if it doesn't, life will go on. Those of us with physical disabilities that change what we're able to do that we liked usually learn to deal or adapt, and the same goes here. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mortality
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Thanks for all the help! Really appreciate it!
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Mortality
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Just wanted to say I'm seeing someone professional for this now. Had my first appointment day before yesterday... And it's not making me panic anymore^^

I told a friend some of what happened and she asked her therapist to call me. I think that was pretty good, cos I'm not sure how long it would take me to pick up the courage to do it myself...

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September
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That's awesome! I'm glad to hear you're getting help. I hope you start to feel better soon.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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oOo Lea oOo
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I think it's really great that you talked to a professional. It took me 5 years to even be able to say the word "rape". The first person I talked to about it was Heather on here.

I'm 22, and this happened when I was 15. Thats a long time letting something eat at you. I finally found the courage to seek help, and when I did, it felt Great!

I've seen a psychiatrist for a few years now, once every month at the moment, but when I first started out . . I went every week. It was scary at first, and I couldn't get out the words. I actually made him guess what happened. He helped me open up and speak about it.

The worst part of this all (apart from the situation itself) is telling someone you love what happened. But it does get easier in time. I promise. Seems like things are already starting to look brighter for you, too. Good luck!

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And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

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Mortality
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Good luck to you too ^^

I called in sick and cancelled my last appointment with the counsellor... I just couldn't face it >.<

Hopefully I'll manage to go to my next one...

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Mortality
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Bit of an update:
I don't go to counselling anymore. I went for a while and it helped. Once in a while I'll still get a flashback, but not very often (do they ever completely go away?)

I don't blame myself any more. Not at all actually [Smile] I talked to his sister on facebook a couple of months ago (our families were close friends when we grew up) and she said that she was a bit pissed cos she knew he hadn't treated me right when I was visiting. I told her it had been a bit worse than she knew about AND SHE BELEIVED ME! [Big Grin]

When he raped me he wasn't feeling very well mentally, and she told me he'd gotten a lot better and stuff.. So I don't think he'll do something like that again.

Almost all my friends know about it now. At least all my close friends know. I told my mum, and a friend who also used to be best friends with him.

Now I talk about rape and sexual assault and try to educate people. I talk to guys a lot and try to get them to think about consent and stuff.

I'm at uni studying law and was thinking about specialising in sex crimes. I think we need better prosecutors and defence attorneys when it comes to stuff like that.

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