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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » can we put our abusers in guilt?

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Author Topic: can we put our abusers in guilt?
Jenhastoomuchparanoia
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I just really really want to do something that would get him to understand that he's doing something wrong(like listing my low self esteem issues that were brought up because of him). is that even possible with people so hardheaded?
Posts: 51 | From: Texas | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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Jen - is this still the guy we talked about in this thread: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=000162;p=1#000000

Because then it is pretty clear that he already knows he is being abusive and manipulative. Short of extensive therapy, there really isn't anything that would get an abuser to understand what they are doing and change their behaviour. There is really nothing you can do to change him. This relationship is clearly not healthy for you, and the best thing you can do for yourself is leave him.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Jenhastoomuchparanoia
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understandable just wasn't sure. I mean I get it that I really should leave this guy. Heard it from everyone here, and everyone basically I know. I'm just taking time and by doing so I've realized that I'm getting tired of it. It's getting old and I'm trying to get ready to build up this courage that's been hiding somewhere.

One question though, after we break up, if this happens any soon, could we ever go back to best friends? I mean abusers and their way of thought, knowing you guys are not an official item would he still hold you up for things? I really just want to be friends I guess again even knowing who he is. Because basically he's the only one there is that I have currently everyone kind of ditched me because I ditched them for him. which was my mistake and they had perfect right to. too late to mend things with them they don't even care about me anymore I'm sure of that moved on. so I only have him. so is it possible to just stay friends?

Posts: 51 | From: Texas | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jenhastoomuchparanoia
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understandable just wasn't sure. I mean I get it that I really should leave this guy. Heard it from everyone here, and everyone basically I know. I'm just taking time and by doing so I've realized that I'm getting tired of it. It's getting old and I'm trying to get ready to build up this courage that's been hiding somewhere.

One question though, after we break up, if this happens any soon, could we ever go back to best friends? I mean abusers and their way of thought, knowing you guys are not an official item would he still hold you up for things? I really just want to be friends I guess again even knowing who he is. Because basically he's the only one there is that I have currently everyone kind of ditched me because I ditched them for him. which was my mistake and they had perfect right to. too late to mend things with them they don't even care about me anymore I'm sure of that moved on. so I only have him. so is it possible to just stay friends?

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-Lauren-
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The way the cycle of abuse begins in them actively working to isolate the victim from family and friends -- this is usually accomplished by being super sweet and wonderful, lavishing compliments and gifts, etc. The goal is to make the victim feel like the abuser is all they need, so not only do they abandon other sources of comfort and support, they become reliant on their abuser for much of their sense of self-worth.

Sounds like you had a textbook case, here. Is it possible to reach out to these people, apologize, and explain what happened? Where is your family in all this?

You gain nothing from staying friends with an abuser -- they aren't suitable partners, much less trusty friends. All I see you gaining from keeping contact with him is more manipulation and possibly escalating levels of abuse. You need away from him altogether, and from there to focus on building bridges with family and new friends.

[ 11-17-2007, 02:06 PM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

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September
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If I remember correctly from your previous posts, then your mother and a few friends were trying to help you get away from your partner. Could you try approaching them again? If you've realized that you need this relationship and are willing to go ahead and get out, then I am sure that your friends and your mother would be more than happy to help you out.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
atm1
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I'm the only survivor I know (and, as someone publicly identified on my campus as a survivor, I know a lot) who has had an abuser admit that what he did was wrong and make a huge effort to change his life. It took almost two years and him getting a lot of therapy for that to happen. During the time in between, I had no contact with him whatsoever. I still don't speak to him.

So while I know from personal experience that it is possible to have an abuser realize what they're doing... I know how unlikely it is and what it takes *on the part of the abuser* to make it happen. You can't do anything to make him understand, he's got to get there on his own. It's not easy for someone to admit that they've hurt another person in a very serious way, and it's also not easy for someone to live with that for the rest of their lives.

Salvaging a friendship is probably not a good idea. When I spoke to my abuser (the same time he apologized), and we started slipping into talking to each other like the friends we were so many years ago (we were friends for years before the abuse), I just felt so sick to my stomach. I knew I couldn't ever have someone who had hurt me so much in my life, no matter how bad he felt about it. I thought about what was right *for me* to do. So just really think about what is right for you, and what will make you feel happiest/safest.

Try to focus on doing what you need to do to keep yourself safe and take care of yourself. That is all you are responsible for.

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