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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Apologies

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Author Topic: Apologies
Member # 1071

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I have two purposes in this post. Firstly, I'd like to apologize for how explicit the last post was, in the relationships forum. I was extremely upset and not thinking farther ahead than getting some help, so I didn't realize it was inappropriate. I should have known better :-/.

Secondly, after reading a couple of things in this forum, I know this is where I should be. I was raped, plain and simple. I sought counseling last night about it, because I'm still not sure I believe I was raped, and that I'm not at fault. I tried making a list of reasons why he IS a rapist...
1. He kept hurting me, and didn't stop when I asked him to.
2. He told me not to tell anyone.
3. I never said "yes."
4. I let it happen because I had no choice. He wouldn't leave me, so I just gave up and lay there.
5. I'm disgusted by him and I'm scared of him. I've had sex, consenting sex, with him before and I never felt this way after.
6. He is obsessed with me. He drives by my house to see if I'm home.
7. I thought I just cheated on my boyfriend. But I've cheated on boyfriends before, and I feel guilt, but I never feel sick, or scared of the guy I cheated with.
8. He left when he finally stopped, he couldn't stay with me. He was supposed to be my friend.
9. He always says he likes to have control.

There were a couple things I saw on these posts that helped me realise it's not cheating, it's a sexual assault. The first was "Rape is about power, not sex." He needed to be in power, so he didn't listen to me, he didn't stop, and he physically hurt me. I didn't have sex with him. Also, on the list of things that make a man a rapist, there was one about him still being a rapist if he kept going until I stopped saying no. It doesn't mean I said yes.

Anyway, I want to thank everyone in this forum for just existing. Sorry if the above is meandering, honestly, a lot of this is cathartic right now. I have counseling sessions lined up with my local crime victims assistance center. If I could, though, I have 2 questions...
-How do I bring this up with my partner? This happened while we've been together. If I tell my boyfriend about this, he could very well hurt the guy very, very badly. I feel like I'm lying if I don't bring it up, especially since I have a feeling it's going to be strongly affecting me in the coming months.
-Is there anyone I should tell, or should I really stick with anonymous sources of counseling? I know a lot of depends on me, but I feel like I should tell people. I don't want this to affect anyone though. I just want someone who knows me that I can talk to.

Posts: 615 | From: New York | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Oh, pink. It's so nice to see you back here, but I'm so sorry this is WHY you're back here.

You're right: this isn't about cheating. If you had cheated, that would have included and been about you saying YES, you electively and actively participating, and you having had sex WITH someone...not someone having sex TO you or ON you, against your will. I'm glad you're at a point where this isn't a question, because it's seriously not. (I'd noticed your other post, so saw the whole of the story.)

Per your questions:
If your partner has a vested interest in YOUR welfare, then he will NOT do anything that will make things worse for you right now, and certainly, violence to your rapist is only going to add to your burden. ideally, you shouldn't have to make a request for that, but if you feel you have to, then you make that request. A la, "I am asking you, in the interest of what *I* need and my well-being, that you NOT take any action on this yourself, and let me be the one to decide what action is taken, since this is about me. I understand you will/do have your own anger and upset, but I need you to manage it in a way that doesn't hurt me more."

I'm not sure what you specifically mean when you say you don't want this to effect anyone. But I do know that the primary person to think about right now isn't anyone else: it's you. You're the person dealing with the aftermath of a major trauma, so it's a time to put your needs first. If you feel a need to tell others -- to eleicit/gain support, to talk it out for your healing process, to warn others about this guy, whatever -- then I don't see any reason to second-guess that need. Really, the question is more about what is going to be most helpful for you right now.

I'm around today and will be in and out this weekend, pink, so if you want to gab on this as you need, I'll keep checking in.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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