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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » New Realization

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Author Topic: New Realization
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

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A little history: I was in a very abusive relationship with a guy 2 years older than me when I was 15. He was constantly making me feel worthless, calling me harsh names, cheating on me, isolating me from friends and family, etc. He also was once physically abusive. I was really messed up for SO long from that relationship. Afterwards, I had such a hard time trusting and connecting with other people, particularly guys, and I deliberately sabotaged every relationship I got into out of fear that they would be abusive too. I got therapy, but it took a long time to really sink in. When I got into a relationship with my current boyfriend, I was still pretty messed up, but he was really great and got me through most of my issues. I get surprised every now and then though when I realize I'm not past some issue from the abusive ex.

So today, I had a new realization about that past relationship. I always thought that I deserved the abuse, that I wasn't a good person, especially because I tried to 'change' him. I remembered today though what it was that I tried to change about him. I tried to get him to stop smoking, stop doing drugs, get tested for STDs after having cheated on me and not used a condom (yeah, I stuck by him even after he cheated on me with 3 different girls), get him to do better in school, etc. And I remembered that he would call me a b**ch for wanting to change those things about him, and I always felt like a b**ch for trying to change those things about him. But today I realized, you know what? those are GOOD things, not bad. I'm not a bad person for wanting him to live a healthier life.

So I got past that, mostly anyways. I guess part of me still thinks about how I was back then, what things did I do. My memory is a little fuzzy, so I'm not sure if I did do bad things to him too or if he just made me feel like I did through all of his verbal abuse. I guess I have to find a way to forgive myself if indeed I did do bad things to him.

I used to be so scared of him. I remember one christmas my current boyfriend and I were at Barnes and Nobles looking around at different books when I though I saw my ex. Immediately I started shaking a little and got so scared that we left right away. I'm sure it couldn't have been him since he moved away years ago and I haven't heard word about him since. But at the time, despite knowing that, I still thought for sure it was him. I'd like to hope that now I am stronger and I wouldn't be afraid if I saw him again, but I'm not so sure of that. So now the question is: what should I feel for this guy that I used to love? Should I feel nothing? Should I forgive him since he had a bad childhood? Should I hate him? Should I forget he even existed? I'm really not sure how I should feel about him.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LivingTree
Neophyte
Member # 32945

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I don't know that there is any one thing you "should" be feeling. For example, if you aren't able to forget or not care, that's ok. Also ok to feel anger. or forgiveness. People have different reactions to these things, and most people have different emotions at different points.

so give yourself a break [Smile] It sounds like you've been dealing with some tough stuff well.

Posts: 14 | From: MD | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
listlesslise
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Member # 31974

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I would say the only thing I wouldn't advise you to feel is forgiving him :since he had a bad childhood." That right there? Is you basically saying it's okay that he abused you because some one may have done something similar to him, and that isn't going to help you get past any of your issues at all. The best thing to do right now would probably be to see a therapist if you aren't seeing one already, because even though it's been a while and you are starting to over come it (huge props on that by the way, it takes a lot of courage) you still seem to have a pretty strong and negative reaction to him, and sorting things out with a counsellor would probably be the best way to stop him from having anymore influence in your life. Good luck [Smile]

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*~*Sorry for the inconvenience*~*

Posts: 59 | From: not in Regina, Sass-cat-chew-ahn | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

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Thanks for the advice, both of you. [Smile]

I guess I just want to know the best way to feel about him in order to completely get over him so he no longer has any effect on my life. I know it's bad to make excuses for him. I just was trying to see what caused him to act that way. I have a little too much pity/sympathy/empathy for people that I probably shouldn't. I know growing up he had a really bad home life and that when we were dating his family was close to losing their home so he was always stressed about that. I was understanding though, I was there for him all the times he talked about committing suicide. He must have been insane. He actually blamed me for everything bad that was happening to him, as though I had some supernatural control over things.

I have seen a therapist in the past, along with anti-depressants. I was in therapy for over 2 years. My therapist was a woman who had been married to an abusive man in the past so she had special experience with it. Honestly, I just don't feel comfortable with seeing a therapist, talking one on one to someone who knows me, who sees my face and knows my name and social security. Plus she told my mother everything at the time and I knew it so I couldn't ever open up to her. Therapy isn't really something I'm interested in trying again either.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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