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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » a warning sign during sex?

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Author Topic: a warning sign during sex?
pinkveins
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Member # 33993

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sometimes my bf hurts me without really realizing he's doing it or he's just playing around but doesn't realize he's being aggressive. he's never been actually abusive to the point where i felt threatened but sometimes if i playfully slap him he'll slap me back harder, or the other day he had his hand really tight around my neck but it was in a joking way. i didn't feel threatened or scared but i wondered why he was doing it.
i apologize if this is graphic at all..
last night we were having sex, (him from behind) and sometimes it slips out and we just put it back in but sometimes he cant find my hole though. but this time when it slipped out and he put it back in he put it right up my other hole..you know, the one in the back (i dont want to be too graphic) anyways i didn't know how to react..i don't know if he knew he was doing it or not though but it hurt and i was squealing kind of hard and making "please stop" noises..noises like i was in pain. but he didn't stop doing it until like a minute later when i finally pulled away from him and said "why did you stick it up there" and he said "was I? i didn't even realize it" and i told him don't do that again and he said sorry..i mean i never like screamed stop to him but shouldnt he have gotten the picture?

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you promised me heaven but put me through hell...
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Posts: 72 | From: illinois | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Actually, most experts on abuse in relationships will nearly always say that a lot of "play-fighting" is a pretty clear indicator of an abusive dynamic. So, slapping each other a lot generally isn't healthy behaviour. Neither is unnegotiated, nonconsensual strangling.

Per the sexual issue, it's not atypical to have a male partner accidentally in that position "miss" the vagina. However, him not STOPPING when you made any indication something was not right and hurt IS an abuse: not a warning of an abuse, AN ABUSE. If you said "please stop," (I don't know what "please stop noises" are, or if your partner would know, either) and he did not stop, no matter what he said later, he knew to stop.

Also, bear in mind that if you feel that it's not OKAY in a given relationship to just SAY "please stop," then that also speaks to an abusive dynamic.

[ 05-23-2007, 12:53 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Airem
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Heather is right as usual but i must add that you should also really think about if your bf heard you or not.

You said you made noises but you never said directly for him to stop. Guys are never really good at taking hints lol...period. I know because i am one of those guys [Razz]

Now factor in the pleasure of sex and your talking to a brick wall unless you did as you did and pull away. Just be sure and speak up if he is doing something you don't like. If this continues then you definatley have a problem.

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As The Shadow Follows The Body, As We Think, So We Become.

Posts: 157 | From: Athens, Texas, USA | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Beppie
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Airem, I don't think it's particularly wise here to make essentialisations about gender.

There may or may not have been a communication problem in the situation pinkveins described, but saying that the potential for abuse in the situated is mitigated by the gender of the person committing the abuse (that is, saying it's less likely to be abusive because he's male and therefore can't take a hint) is really not helpful. In fact, it helps to perpetuate some really unhealthy, but deeply ingrained, cultural dynamics regarding heterosexual relationships. I know you probably did not mean to do any such thing, but it's important to recognise that these sorts of generalisations are often used to conceal abusive dynamics, by suggesting that abusers are somehow not culpable for the abuses that they perpetrate.

Posts: 2710 | From: Australia | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Airem
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well i was really just kinda poking at my own gender but i didn't mean to excuse his behavior. Basically if your uncomfortable with it, the strangling should stop. As for the wrong hole issue, this may be abuse, or he may have just been carried away and not heard you or realized. either way you did what you were supposed to do in telling him to stop and not do it again.

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As The Shadow Follows The Body, As We Think, So We Become.

Posts: 157 | From: Athens, Texas, USA | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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