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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » I got out!

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Author Topic: I got out!
xneed2knowx
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I don't know where to start so I will back up to the morning I left.

My b/f woke up at 5AM and started getting ready for work. I laid there pretending to be asleep but my heart was beating so fast knowing what I was about to do. I thought he'd be able to see me moving since I was breathing so hard. The moment I heard the front door close, I jumped out of bed and looked through the little hole in the blinds to make sure he was really driving away.

Once he was out of sight, I ran through the house kind of in a stupor not sure of what to grab first. I got my sons favorite jumping zebra and put it in the car along with the laptop. Then I loaded his diaper bag with snacks, plenty of juice for his sippy cups, diapers, wipes all of that stuff. I grabbed my photo albums that had pictures of my son in them. I didn't want to leave them, he would just throw them out I'm sure. Finally I knew there was only one thing left to do....leave! I woke my son up, changed his diaper and clothes, grabbed a folder of papers I had compiled together over the past couple weeks (his birth certificate, medicaid papers, etc) and we were GONE!

When I started drivig out of the driveway for the last time, it was such a strange feeling. I didn't have any relief yet, it was opposite - I felt like any minute the bubble was going to burst. I could barely breathe, my hands were shaking, and I was wondering what the hell I was getting myself into now.

When we got to my moms she wasn't home...sigh. I had told her that was the day I was coming but I guess she had more important things to do. That kind of made me sad but I didn't let it get to me. The house was unlocked so I just started bringing things inside. My cell phone rang over, and over, and over again with calls from my b/f throughout the day. I didn't answer any of them and I haven't made any outgoing calls either because I don't want him to be able to trace me on the bill. I should have just left it but it was in my sons diaper bag. I checked my messages from my mothers house phone - not from my cell phone. He was screaming "WHERE ARE YOU" in all those messages and he has kept calling every day since then too.

Anyway the first day I was a bit numb. I couldn't let myself relax at all and instead of being happy I felt so torn inside. I guess this is normal, but it still sucks. Day 2 I went and got job applications from various places. I went to my car and filled them out since my son was with me instead of sitting inside. After that I went ahead and turned them all back in the same day. TODAY I got a call from one of the places calling me in for an interview Monday - wow!! I can't believe I already heard back! So wish me luck on that, I really need to work and get us out on our own.

You know, I have this weird anxiety over something. My b/f never wanted to wear a condom when we had sex, he said he couldn't feel that way, a load of bs I know...but there was nothing I could do since I was staying there. Anyway usually he would pull out to ejaculate, (again, I know not a good method but I felt lucky that he was at least doing that) and luckily I didn't get pregnant again so I guess it was working for us. Well....my very last night there he had sex with me. He was always very rough and that last night he had this mean look in his eyes and looked right into my eyes as he was ontop of me and he didn't withdrawl to ejaculate. I am telling you this because in my mind, my cynical mind...I keep thinking wouldn't it be my luck to end up pregnant NOW? I don't know sigh. I keep thinking that would be a great way for him to have his last final stab in me. Anyway my period should start in a week so I guess I just have to hope for the best. He still has me worrying even though I'm not with him, how does he do that sigh. Chances are it's okay...my mind is just going crazy because of the stress from this week.

So aside from that we're just trying to get adjusted to everything here. We're sharing a room which is just fine by me. I don't think I'd want my son apart from me right now anyway. We sleep on a twin bed and I just put him against the wall so I don't have to worry about him falling off. I got a lock for my bedroom door so I lock us in the bedroom at night too just to add another layer of protection. I am just really paranoid right now.

I think after a couple weeks I'll finally be able to relax and let my gaurd down a bit. I can't believe I've actually done it, it seem so surreal right now. WOOT WOOT for me!!!

Thanks again for your support. I wanted to post this in a new thread because it is a new beginning.

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xneed2knowx
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I'm sorry that's so long, geeze.
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-Lauren-
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Okay, it is so, so not fair that hugs don't travel over the 'Net. Big hugs your way! I'm overjoyed hearing everything's going okay. And congrats and good luck with the potential job; I think that'll be so great for you.

If the last night with him was 120 hours ago or less (which, if I'm reading your previous post right, it was the 27th), you can obtain EC to prevent pregnancy. You're right on the teetering point of those 120 hours, though; if you're within that window at all, you need to get it right now.

So glad to hear that everything else is okay. Thank you so much, by the way, for posting your story here; it's always such a beautiful change to see, and helps women in the same situation realize that while breaking free is hard, it's so worth it. [Smile]

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Karybu
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WOOHOO! You go, girl! I am so, so incredibly proud of you - a new beginning, indeed! So glad you managed to post here and let us all know that you and your son are okay. Yay!

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Beppie
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That's great news. Definitely seek out EC ASAP. This site might help you: http://getthepill.com/
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LivingTree
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you are amazingly strong for doing this. good wishes to you, and your son.
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Heather
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I just got home from a weekend out of town, and I couldn't ask to come back to better news.

(Save the pregnancy worry, and I'd echo what's been said: no need gamdling and having yet more to stress about, you have more than enough on your plate, go get EC.)

All in all, mazel tov. Welcome to the start of a better life for yourself, gal. Go ahead and experience those feelings of doubt -- always normal, and it's okay -- but just be sure to leave extra room for those feelings of freedom, relief, and being able to know you get to sleep through each night with the a safety and sanctity you should always have and everyone deserves.

Well done, needtoknow. [Smile] You just did something huge and courageous.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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wobblyheadedjane
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Congratulations on getting out; you are an inspiration. I'm so pleased to hear that you stuck to your plan and got you and your son out. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for your job interview! [Smile]

[ 04-02-2007, 09:06 AM: Message edited by: wobblyheadedjane ]

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Unlucky at cards; lucky at love.

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Gwaihir
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This is the best news I could possibly hear now. You've done such an amazing thing, and as Jane said, I wish you luck on your interview!
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xneed2knowx
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I'm overwhelmed by the support you have shown to me! Wow, thank you all so much for your encouragement.

I had my job interview today and I GOT THE JOB. I don't start for a week though because they want me to wait for the next orientation class. I can't believe finding a job was that easy. Completely unexpected.

I'm still getting phone calls from dork face, but I haven't answered any of them. Also, no EC because it had been more than 120 hours by the time I read this. I'm pretty sure it should be okay since I am due to start my period in about a week (I probably ovulated before the incident), so I'm trying to stop worrying about it as there is not much that I can do about it now. I just have to take everything as it comes, I'm trying to teach myself that anyway.

Anyway...THANKS AGAIN! You all rock!

[ 04-02-2007, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: xneed2knowx ]

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Chessie
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I have to agree with everybody else on here... YOU GO GIRL!!

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Our greatest battles are that with our own minds.
~Chez

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Beppie
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Congratulations on your job. It's probably good that you've got a week to start-- it'll give you time to adapt to your new surroundings with your son; you can just enjoy each other's company for a bit. [Smile]
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xneed2knowx
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Thanks for the congrats! I haven't felt this way in a long time - It feels good to be able to make my own choices for my son and myself. I am excited to go to work and meet new people - Unfortunately I got the evening shift until midnight - soo my son and childcare presents a problem for those hours. I'll figure something out though, I've got a week anyways! Is it safe to pick childcare out of the newspaper? I've noticed that a couple of the ads said evenings available, but I'm not sure if they meant THAT late. Should I call and ask? How do I make sure that the person will be good to my son considering they are a complete stanger? Hmmph.

(Sorry that I have so many questions, I'm just new to all of this decision making stuff!)

[ 04-02-2007, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: xneed2knowx ]

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Ecofem
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Hi need2know,

Congrats on the job and I'm really proud and inspired that you got out. [Smile] (I've been reading along but replying for the first time.)

The late shift is tough, but chances are you'll be able to switch after working there a bit. I'm guessing your son gets up early, so it'll be nice to have that morning time with him?

There are a lot of parents also working late, so I'm pretty sure there'll be a provider who offers what you needs. I think the newspaper is a good place to start looking for providers; you can check in person to see how it is, and ask for references/google search/check with local governing agencies. (I'd guess Better Business Bureau but I'm not sure if some other one would cover it.) You can also ask other parents you run into for personal recommendations or even like a PTA for suggestions. It is a risk, but I believe they're a lot more decent/good caretakers than bad ones. What about a hiring a teen babysitter as another option?

Good luck!

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Beppie
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I was going to suggest hiring an older teen babysitter too. Whoever you get, make sure you obtain references-- this can be a simple as a phone number for previous clients (who have agreed to be referees)-- then you just call the referees and ask them about the quality of the sitter.
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xneed2knowx
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Oh okay, I can do that! Thanks Ecofem and Beppie!
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SassyKay88
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I don't know if they have any thing like this in your area but my mom is a daycare provider and she runs an organization called The Halton Child Care Providers Association (Halton in Ontario Canada). It would be a great resource for you and something to look into if they have that in your area.
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Beppie
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Hey, xneed2knowx, I was thinking about you earlier today-- how are you doing? Is your job going well? How's your son? How are things going with your mental/spiritual health?
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xneed2knowx
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Hi, thanks for the thoughts - that's very kind of you.

Work is going well. It's an easy job, not stressful in the least so I'm glad that it's not something I bring home with me on a daily basis. I tend to be a bit quiet in person, not too good conversing with other people and my job makes me deal with so many different people consistantly, but I think that's good for me. It will help me to stop being so closed inside of myself. My only complaint about work is boy do my feet hurt at the end of the day haha.

My son is absolutely wonderful. He turned two about a week ago and it was such a good day for both of us. I bought a few presents and a cake and I sat at the table just staring at him, watching him giggle and babble as he ate his cake and played with the balloons attached to the back of his chair. I couldn't help but imagine how differently his birthday would have been had I not taken us away from that place. It was the first day that I finally felt some relief. I didn't have to worry about anything, I was able to just enjoy my son. I can't even begin to express how thankful I am for that.

Mental/Spiritual health? That's a tough one to answer. I have good days and bad days - mostly good days though because of my son. Usually my main problems hit me at night, thus the reason I am writing this to you at 2:37 AM. I have so many thoughts in my mind and when I close my eyes sometimes I see his face. I have a lot of trouble sleeping but I know that it takes time to adjust. You can't just leave and expect all your problems to immediately disappear, you know? I trust that in time, my healing will come too.

Thanks for your concern, Beppie. This forum has done wonders for me and I cannot thank you all enough. You have all helped me and inspired me even when you may not have realized it and I will be forever indebted to you.

[ 04-30-2007, 02:50 AM: Message edited by: xneed2knowx ]

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