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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Raped by her dad.

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Author Topic: Raped by her dad.
Monkey12
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A little over a week ago now my girl friend told me something that only myself and one off my mates know.she's 17 right now and turning 18 in 9 months.Her dad has been raping her about 2-3 times a week since she was 10.Not only that but he hit's her as well,he pushes her on walls even bangs her head on a wall till it bleeds,today he hurt her back in the morning from doing that and this afternoon he pushed her down 15 steps and she now has a broken rib and can't talk well.not only did he not care wat he did but he laughed at her after he pushed her.I really want to help her so bad,i was saying how she tell someone at school ( teacher or something ) or report it to the cops,but she's to scared to.He was almost close to killing her before and i know for a fact he would if she was to do anything like that...Wat should i do ?? she's the most sweet,kind hearted person i have known in a long time.She wants it to stop SO BAD but is way to scared to even try cos she knows wat her dad will do to her... Wat can i do for her.. but most off all wat can she do to stop this without getting hurt,or have her family turn on her (she told her grand mum and she laughed in her face when she told her,she also told me everyone else would think it's a lie cos her dad is a very respected person.)PLEASE HELP [Frown]

ps... So you know,we live in Sydney Australia.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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YOU call.

Seriously, with abuse this intense which has been going on for this long, someone simply has to call it in because unless your family can just get her out of her home, period, for good, it's not going to stop.

This is the number for Dympna, the child sexual assault and incest service in Sydney: 02 9797 6733

This is the number for ACWA, the association of child welfare: 02 9281 8822

I'd advise you to talk to an adult in your family you can trust to help support you in this, and your friend, and have both or one of you make that call. Don't wait.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Monkey12
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I know that,and trust me i want to more then anything.i have talked to her about it the last few days..But she doesn't want me to cos if her dad gets his hands on her before anything is done he is going to do something really bad to her.Not only that but she told me her mum has had cancer for a long time and still does up to this day,and any stress on her could make her die real easy.. She's scared off the effect it will have on her and the rest off her family.More so for her younger sis and her mother.She has told me herself she wants it to stop,and trust me i do wanna do something about it but she's telling me not to.. and i do not wanna put her into something that could end her life or be put into hops...omg this is so hard,i want to even tho she told me not to but on the other hand,i'm scared if i do it could put her into something even worse then it is right now.
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mizchastain
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Something really bad is ALREADY happening to her if she's suffering abuse like this. If this carries on, she may be seriously hurt anyway. Really, calling the helplines is the best thing you can do.

[ 01-30-2007, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: mizchastain ]

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Heather
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Understand that for abuse, especially incest, victims, secrecy is king. Incest victims generally grow up hearing their abusers -- who are often the people they trust the most -- telling them all sorts of reasons why telling is the worst thing they can do. What's she's saying to you right now is programming from her abuser: it's about HIS protection, not hers.

he doesn't need protecting, nor does anyone who has kept her in this; SHE does. And if she didn't really want some, she wouldn't have told you any of this.

If stress would kill her mother, her mother would be dead by now, because, hard as it is to deal with, her mother knows this goes on and has been. That is stressful: it's her child being abused, and her mother is enabling the abuse and is probably also being abused in some way herself.

Call those lines. That isn't to say what your friend says is meaningless, it's not, but it's laregly her victimization and her abuser talking. 7-some years of abuse and incest at a minimum screws a person up more than most people can imagine: even with help starting now, it'll take your friend a lifetime to undo the damage that was done to her.

But most abuse survivors will tell you way down the road that no matter what we said to anyone, the hope we usually held out for was that someone we told would have the stones to really do something. I know that just as someone who lived with neglect and (mostly) emotional abuse, that by the time I got myself out, I had waited years in the hopes that someone I told would just bloody do something, even though I said the same lines we al say about please not telling: you have to read between the lines. When we tell someone about our abuse, it is because we want help.

When you call the lines, you can first tell what you know without names and ask all the questions you want to make a choice. Again, I'd suggest finding a trusted adult to weigh these things over with. If you can, you can even see if your family is willing to take her in for a little bit while action is taken.

[ 01-30-2007, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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logic_grrl
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She's scared off the effect it will have on her and the rest off her family.More so for her younger sis and her mother.

Just to add to what Heather said: given how patterns of sexual abuse in families often operate, the odds are pretty strong that your friend's father is going to start sexually abusing her younger sister, if he isn't doing so already.

and i do not wanna put her into something that could end her life

Given the level of physical abuse you've been describing, the reality is that she's in a situation with a real risk of being severely injured or killed right now. Being pushed down stairs can break someone's spine, not just their ribs.

So alerting the authorities is the best chance to ensure that she gets out safe - and that her sister does too (and her mother, if her mother's being abused as well).

--------------------
"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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Ecofem
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You mentioned that she told another friend, too: The two of you could call together if you're not wanting to call alone.
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Beppie
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You can also call-- or suggest that your friend call the Violence Against Women hotline, on 1800 200 526. This is a free call, and should not show up on any phone bills-- or she can call from a public phone, and of course it is completely confidential. If she won't give them a call, please call them yourself, and get the information that you need to help her out.
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Monkey12
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Ok i was talking to her tonight,and she wanted to know what she would feel after it was reported.Such as what kind off emotions and feelings she would go through after.What would she be in for court wise and how long would it take most off the time before something happens to her dad.Also cos it will be her word over his wat evidence would be needed to put her dad away,and could there be any chance off nothing happening cos off the fact that reason?
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logic_grrl
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I'd suggest that you or she call the phonelines and ask about that.

People who are directly involved in the field in your area are going to be able to give the most precise information about exactly how the official procedures work and what's likely to happen.

But given this level of abuse and danger, I'd imagine that the odds are that social services should be able to remove her (and possibly her sister) from the home very fast and get her somewhere physically safe.

Legal action can take a lot longer, and court cases can be very tough emotionally, but physical evidence like the broken rib makes it a lot easier to get a conviction of some kind.

As for emotions, people react in very different ways, so there's no way of predicting exactly what she'll feel. People often feel a jumble of emotions after reporting - huge relief, mixed up with feeling scared of retaliation, or feeling guilty because she's been told that it's her fault if this "hurts" other people. It can be very confusing and very tough.

But again, reporting is the best way to ensure that she gets support and counselling.

--------------------
"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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Heather
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By the by, I'd not get caught up in getting her permission to report.

I know that sounds callous, but with the sorts of abuse she's told you about, a person's life is at stake: essentially, it's like being with someone with cancer whose doctor told them they had four weeks to live and you're at the sixth week, if you get me.

There's really no time to wait. You can't control her process (neither can she) nor what happens with the courts or child protective system. But both of those things are positives in the interest of her protection. You can't control her Dad, either, or, unlike the former two things, even have any idea of what he'll do, and he is very much acting in the interest of her destruction.

Have you talked yet to a trusted family member and gotten another safe adult involved so you have support in making these calls? If not, for your friends sake, do that, okay?

(This IS about a real friend, yes, and not about you? I'm asking that not as an accusation, but because it's common enough for a person to pull the "my friend" card when they mean themselves, and obviously, if this is really you in trouble, we'd be having a slightly different conversation to help the best)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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