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Author Topic: boyfriend+anger=monster
cherrypie10
Neophyte
Member # 31895

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hey. i've been dating this guy for about 3 months now. and i can honestly say. i love him. he means everything to me. but almost everyday i seem to do something wrong. he gets so upset with me over the littles stupid things. like today. in class he went to grab my pencil outa my hand and i pulled back and wouldnt let him use it. he didnt talk to me for the rest of class. after class i told him i was going to my friends locker then his house with her. and he got angry because i didn't walk with him. after getting to his house he ignorred me and wouldnt let me touch him. he made me feel so low right infront of his friends. it was just my friend and i in his room and he yelled at her to get out and came to talk to me. he started freakin saying how im a rude bitch and treat him like **** and make him feel low all the time. yes i realize at times its my fault. but he gets angry over everything. i've stopped saying what i feel just so he wont yell at me or freak out n leave. today he broke his bedroom door infront of me and punched the wall. i left in shock and in tears. i don't know what to do. he needs help. he knows he does. he just doesn't know what to do. he doesn't believe talking to anyone would make a difference. but he has sooooo much anger inside him. and it makes people afraid of him. please give me some advice as to what could be done. thank you.

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:)

Posts: 13 | From: London | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Yep. This guy is Bad News.

Capital B, Capital N. BAD NEWS.

You can't help him. A partner -- especially such a brand new one -- not only almost always can't, they're not the right person to help, because clearly, an emotionally abusive partner doesn't afford you the respect enough to treat you decently in very basic ways, let alone the extra respect that'd have to be extended to accept help from you or acknowledge a serious problem and fix it. And it's never sage to put yourself in danger to help an abuser. Ever.

It's even one thing when someone is ready, willing and able to seek out and accept help, but he seems to have made clear to you that he's not.

So, really? You need to think of YOU first. You cannot help him -- a partner around with someone like this, even with the best of intentions, will only enable that person -- and the way any type of abuse works, this is only going to get worse the longer you're with him. So, you help yourself: get out of this. Get out of this NOW. (And I know: we'll probably have to say this a bunch of times before you do -- hopefully not, but if so, that's normal -- but it never hurts to say it right at the start, however hard it is to hear.)

If you feel like you're abandoning him in protecting yourself, then by all means, after you've separated yourself from him, make contact with his friends and family and ask them to do their part in helping him out.

It's never your fault when someone doles out abuse, by the way, just like it's never someone's fault for getting hit by a drunk driver.

[ 12-19-2006, 11:09 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cherrypie10
Neophyte
Member # 31895

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im 17 and this is my 1st real relationship. he knows what he's doing is wrong. because everytime he yells at me or freaks out. he always says sorry and how much he loves me and doesnt want to lose me. so it really hurts. and i cant just leave him. cuz he does have his really sweet times. and everyday i wake up knowing i have someone to say how beautiful i am. and he does really care about me. i know he does. we've both grown up in abusive homes so he knows what its like. he's turning into what he hates. and i have to say. i have a little bit of a temper too. i want it to work for us. i believe it will. isn't there anything i could do??

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:)

Posts: 13 | From: London | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Knowing what you're doing is wrong, though, isn't valuable if you can't or won't stop doing it.

Here's the other thing to bear in mind: it's pretty typical for the emotional rollercoaster that abusive behaviours create to esclate the victim's feelings towards that person: so it's really even tough to judge HOW we feel about someone who is abusing us. demented as it is, abuse in some ways often amplifies feelings which would otherwise not be as strong.

There IS something that can be done, but HE has to do it. You can't do it for him. HE has to seek out real help, and that almost always involves also not being in intimate relationships while you're getting that help, because having someone to abuse is NOT helpful: it only enables abuse.

ALL abusers have "sweet times." That's part of the cycle of abuse. That's also something hard to look at, I know, but it's the reality: if abusers were never sweet, no one would ever stick around. Those sweet times are parts of the cycle just like the bad stuff.

This WILL get worse. Please think on that for a little bit and try and accept that reality. That is why, hard as it is, staying when someone is not seeking out any help, when someone is abusing helps no one: doesn't help him, and it doesn't help you. Now, if you still want to be his friend while he gets help, and way down the line -- if he does get that help and stay with it for a good long time -- revisit being intiate again, okay. But staying in this almost never helps, and it almost always escalates.

(And if by saying you have a "bad temper," you are saying that you, too, may be in some way abusive or have anger management problems, then by all means, you seek out help for yourself, too. Not only is that important for you no matter what, if this guy sees someone else getting help -- even from afar -- maybe he'll do it himself.)

[ 12-19-2006, 11:24 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cherrypie10
Neophyte
Member # 31895

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thank you. u've been a really big help:)

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:)

Posts: 13 | From: London | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You're welcome.

I know this is hard, hard, hard, and that none of this is easy to hear or what anyone wants to hear. In so many ways, falling in love with an abuser is like falling in love with someone with a terminal disease.

I also know that it's likely figuring this all out and dealing will take some time, so feel free to come back in and talk about it more whenever you need to, okay?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cherrypie10
Neophyte
Member # 31895

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okay. thank you for being here when i need u the most. its greatly appreciated

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:)

Posts: 13 | From: London | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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