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Author Topic: CaN they EvEn change?
Est. In 1984
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I havent been a member long...but before I became a member I truly did NOT know how many ppl were in abusive relationships [Frown] . Thought I was one of "FeW". N-E how here's my question...I would like your input and thoughts. Do you all think abusers can ever change? Could they possibly enjoy being abusers? I know it about them having control. Is it a rush to them? What are the chances of change when they themselves witnessed abuse growing up? Do they abuse everyone they are with? How can a person truly be happy when they bring harm to sum 1 they claim to love/care about? [Frown] I Personally believe that if a person has a "HISTORY" of abuse it is EXTREMELY diffucult for them to change w/o intense therapy. I wonder if the victims tears make them feel stronger? Does n-e one know a former abuser who has changed and no longer abuses?

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"I've touched Ur soul & left my mark in ur heart....There's no forgetting me, dont bother trying."...(ME)

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Heather
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I am about to run out for the night, so can't invest much in this right now, but to get the ball rolling, most studies show that EVEN therapry doesn't often change abusive patterns.

Abusive behaviours are very often learned from a very early age, and it is difficult, at best, to undo behaviours we've imprinted on from before we had any context for them.

So, statistically speaking, no: the vast majority of abusers cannot change. But perhaps more importantly, a great many never even try to and have no interest in changing.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Est. In 1984
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Ok now the reason I asked was because I have a bit of a problem. I filed a battery report on my Ex who "IS" abusive. The last time he hit me was about 1 1/2 months ago. Have not talked to him since [Smile] Any how I filed a report on 11/27/06 almost 1 mo after the incident. Now I dont know whether to press charges or not. I was told he'd be put on probation and will be forced into anger mgmnt classes. I have to wait for he investigator to call me which he/she has not. As time goes by I feel like I should just let it go because I REALLY dont want NE thing to do with him NE more. I feel like He's no longer my problem... He was for 5yrs and now he's NOT! I know for a fact he has a gf. People (friends) tell me I should so that he's forced to take anger mgmnt classes. They tell me to call the investigator since they have not called me to follow up on the case. My thing is that he doesnt think he has a problem and it's always the fault of the person he's with (before me it was his ex gf's fault...he hit her too). I feel like it would be a waste of time and energy becuz even if he's forced I DONT think he will change. His mom also blames his 1st gf (doesnt take into considerarion that see'n his dad beat his mom could be it). She knows he has an anger problem but I think it's much more then that. Why doesnt he beat his boss up when he makes him mad? Im pretty sure they'll tell his new gf (if he ever hits her)it's my fault. Besides...this whole moving on has/was so flip'n hard and I feel like I'm finally moving on and letting go, I dont want to stir up N-E old emotions. I know silence is empowering but I'v been hurt too much by him that I feel I have the right to the happiness I've finally been able to experience since the break up...I dont want that to go away. Even through all the CRAP he put me through letting go was hard and I'm finally ok now. Still miss him ocassionally...but I'm OK! What Do I do?!

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"I've touched Ur soul & left my mark in ur heart....There's no forgetting me, dont bother trying."...(ME)

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Heather
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You can absolutely bring these questions to your lawyer, to the police station where you've filed charges and/or ask them to assign you an advocate for abuse victims to talk about the pros and cons of pressing charges for you, and for others he has abused and may still.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Est. In 1984
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I know their gonna ask me why am I filing it now when I didnt file not one report against him while I was with him. I never even called the cops on him. I'm not afraid that he'll do N-E thing to me. But I see no point anymore. I fiure KaRmA will work on it's own.

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"I've touched Ur soul & left my mark in ur heart....There's no forgetting me, dont bother trying."...(ME)

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Heather
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You know, they likely won't ask you that: it's very typical for abuse surviviors to go back and forth with reporting a lot, because it's not easy for anyone.

The trouble with karma -- even for those of us who subscribe to that idea -- is that karma doesn't protect anyone now, or in this lifetime: it doesn't protect you, nor does it protect other women. And protection for you and others is a lot more important than an abuser "getting theirs."

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Est. In 1984
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When I filed the report the officer did ask me that. I felt dumb...My reason was becuz I didnt want my mom to find out and force me to break up with him. His new gf knows he is an abuser becuz I let her know. I doubt she cares. She probably thinks he wont do I to her... hey you never know maybe he wont (doubtful). As for the KaRmA.... one of these days he's gonna mess with the wrong person and their gonna let him have it. He argues with people "a lot" bigger then him. I'll probably press charges if the inversigator calls me but I'm not gonna call them.

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"I've touched Ur soul & left my mark in ur heart....There's no forgetting me, dont bother trying."...(ME)

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Heather
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Probably she DOES think that: you probably did, too, and think of the harm the gf before could have saved you if she'd pressed charges, eh?

If you got an insensitive officer, it is always your right to ask for another, or again, to ask for a victims rights advocate.

Karma, for the record, isn't messing with the wrong person and getting whacked: that's simply typical consequence.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BiLLaBaBy017
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To add on to what's already been said: My husband is in anger management classes right now due to being on probation for domestic assault. He's been in them since September. I have seen no change in him. It may work for other people, but believe me... it hasn't worked for him. We've also done marriage counseling, even that didn't work. He wanted to stop going after 3 classes. If he wanted to change for the better, he would have a long time ago. No one can change a person but themselves. If he doesn't wanna change his ways then he's going to have problems in the future.
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Est. In 1984
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Honestly I didnt kind of blame the girl before me...they made her sound like a complete *itch.
But then I realized that if she was the true problem the abuse would have stopped when they broke up. I'm gonna call the officer on this case on wednesday...when I dont have school. I've relaized that by staying quiet I am only allowing him to keep this bad side of himself a secret as he has for so long. His friends have NO idea what type of person he truly is. Hopefully the fact that he will be put on probation will scare him out of doing n-e thing to his new gf and getting caught. But he is such a MANIPUlATOR that he will probably still be still do something to her and just apologize with tears. He tried anger mgmnt classes in the begining of our relationship and stopped going becuz he said it was stupid and pointless. He was only about 18 or 19 then so many now that he's 23 he'll be more open minded to the help.
BILLABABY so how is your husband doing now? How is your relationship? Does he think he has a problem? Has he changed @ all?

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"I've touched Ur soul & left my mark in ur heart....There's no forgetting me, dont bother trying."...(ME)

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Est. In 1984
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***correction***
I "DID" blame the gf before me.

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"I've touched Ur soul & left my mark in ur heart....There's no forgetting me, dont bother trying."...(ME)

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logic_grrl
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He's been in them since September. I have seen no change in him.

Maybe I've missed something, but why are you still seeing him? I thought you'd left and were filing for divorce?

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"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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BiLLaBaBy017
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Since my last post I have seen some change in him. He finally did admit to me that he has a problem. He sat me down and we had a long talk, he told me that he admits he abuses me and he doesn't know why he does it. He has told me before that he used to be knocked around my his father when he was a child back in Ukraine.

I am leaving him. We're driving back home to Minnesota to spend Christmas with our families, and then we're going our separate ways. I do believe that he can change, he's already shown me by admitting it to me, but I don't think it would be anytime soon. As I said before, no one can change for anyone except for themselves.

This will sound stupid, but I've stayed with him so I could get enough money to actually be able to go back home. Now hat I have the money, I'm going up there and never turning back (except for in March when I have to face him in court).

On a happier note, I am doing fine. My main goal right now is to help others on here who are in my situation.

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Heather
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One has to wonder, though, given that he is also on probation and pending charges, if the small change is the therapy, or the fear of further prosecution, the latter of which is what is much more typically shown to be one of the only "controls" which tend to work (sadly) with abusers.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Est. In 1984
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Well I'm glad to hear you are getting yourself out of that relationship. Maybe he can change but like you said he has to want it for HIMSELF. It's not stupid @ all that you chose to save money before you left, sometimes it's not that easy to just get up and go. My ex was also an abused child and witness his mother get beaten by his father. You would think that because they were abused they wouldnt be abusive. Once you let them cross that line they lose respect (what little they had to begin with) for you and feel they can do what they want to you. Whats going to make them feel otherwise they've done it before and suffered no consiquences? Abusers that are on probation only change because they dont want to get "in trouble". If that's the reason for their changed behavior it cannot possibly be permanent. Or they just move on to their next victim and start the cycle all over again. [Frown]

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"I've touched Ur soul & left my mark in ur heart....There's no forgetting me, dont bother trying."...(ME)

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