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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » How to decide, cope, & move out...

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Author Topic: How to decide, cope, & move out...
Member # 1927

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My bf and I have been together for almost 2 years, and have lived together for a year. Since 6 months into our relationship, we've been having issues that at first I thought were semi-justifiable but now that they've been repeating themselves, I realize they're not. I also noticed that they're almost like a cry for help, that we'll argue about an accusation he'd make of me, then he'd cry about his own 'shitty' life. It was like he couldn't talk about his own problems without bringing me down too; as though being on 'even ground' would make it easier. He actually admitted last night that he thinks he drags me down so he won't suffer alone.

For the past few weeks (since I started a new job that has me working the odd weekend) we've been having arguments every time we'd have a day off together. This weekend was no exception. I've been crying for days...

Our roommate moved out of our place 2 weeks ago, and I guess because it's been just us, that's why we've been arguing/stressed a hell of a lot more... We're alone in the house, there's no one else to blame for anything. Finally last night I couldn't take it anymore. How can anyone hear their mate say "since I met you, my life's gone to ****" then after asking "Except for me, right?" hearing "No, you're a part of the **** that's called 'my life'"...

He gave me a flower after the fight. While I grabbed some clothes and then left, he was in such denial that he made a comment about nothing in particular, then went all quiet as I left.

He didn't say anything about my leaving, didn't even ask where I was going... Nothing...

This is really hard, especially since he now has no friends (they made him choose between me & them, he chose me; I told him they couldn't be friends if they'd even ask that..), he hates his job and has been crying about it for weeks, and we've just started renovating the house, preparing for our future together by redoing the rooms and getting new plates and cutlery and things... I know he can't afford the house without me there either... I almost wish the roommate was still there so that there wouldn't be a huge financial burden I'd feel bad leaving him with, but if the roommate hadn't left, I don't think I'd be at this 'realization point' right now...

I'm trying to tell myself that it's not my fault he has no friends, that it doesn't matter what his situation is because the fact is that I've been treated like a possession for far too long, and I should get the hell out. But how do I do it? All my things are at what was 'our' place, and though I doubt he'd destroy my things, I'm not sure how I feel about leaving them there without my being there to ensure all is well...

Mainly I'm mixed up. I trusted him, and he's just beaten me down emotionally to the point where I feel battered and empty, yet I still trust him (or at least want to, I'm not sure) & I want things to be ok...

Does couple-therapy work for something like this? Or am I outta luck on that one? I ask because the first 6 months were blissfull, and the **** didn't start hitting the fan until other parts of his life (losing his government job, his friends leaving him) occurred. It's like he's clinging to me because I'm all he feels he has left...

Does anyone have any advice for moving out? How to handle anything that could happen while I move my stuff out..? Is it possible to still live there for now, or at least leave my things there, until I find another place? Right now I'm spending the next few days at my parents', to at least put some distance so I can sort myself out... I've never lived with anyone before now, so this is a lot tougher than any breakup I've had before... I'm not ready to leave him, I see his cries for help, yet I can't handle it any more... I have no idea what to do at this point, and I don't think I'll have a clue for a while yet... All I know is I can't help him deal with his issues, that's something he has to do, by himself...

Posts: 6 | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd actually say that UNLESS you both start counseling together AND seperately that this is simply not an emotionally safe relationship to continue for either of you.

Does couple-counseling always work? No. But sometimes it does, and when it doesn't, it can at least give you an objective third party to help illuminate why things can't work and how you can separate in a healthy way.

Know, though, that it's typical with these sorts of dynamics for them to develop after some time, not be there right away. Abuse rarely begins during "courtship" periods: it's almost always after both parties have bonded in some way. he even open to counseling?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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