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Author Topic: Is this what I think it is
Huni
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My boyfriend has done some crazy things. The very first time that we had sex I told him no and he kept going. I asked him why he didn't stop and he said that he didn't think that I really wanted him to stop. That has happened twice. Just the other day I told him that I wanted to go to his house not to have sex but to just lay there with him and just him hold me and for me to hold him. When we got there we went into his room and he asked me to take off my pants. I did. So we were laying there and he started to touch me I told him no at first but then I let him touch me because I didn't want him to get mad at me. He got on top of me in between my legs and he started to put his hands in my underwear I told him no but he just kept telling me to move my hands. I could here that he was angry with me so I did. When he tried to rub himself up against me I told him no he still didn't stop. So he tried to go down on me telling me that he wasn't gonna "take it" from me but he knew that he wants him to go down on me so he was gonna do that no matter what. I didn't let him so he got up.

When I got up the came over to me and pushed me back on the bed. When I tried to get up he grabed me by my neck and pushed me down. I told him to stop again so he got up and went in the other room. I put my cloths on fast and went in there with him and he had put me some ice cream in a bowl (i had been wanting it all day) and told me to sit down and eat it. I went to the couch sat down and tried to eat it. He came over again telling me that all he wanted to do was make me feel good. I put the ice cream down and grabed at his had because he was trying to undo my pants. He punched me in my arm and hit me in my mouth( he didn't hit me in my mouth hard but he did punch me in my arm hard). So my question is; what do I do?

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ENOUGH

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000
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Honey I'm sorry. This is an abusive relationship. He has already sexually assaulted you a couple of times, and although you have tried communicating openly he doesn't listen. That is very serious. You need to break up with him. You could also consider the option of reporting him to authorities, especially if you are worried about your safety upon breaking up. I'll let an expert flesh your answer out some more...
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Huni
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He is always telling me that he doesn't want to hurt me and that I am depriving him of his right to what is 'his'. He never wants to use protection and when I try to get him to use it he just takes it off when we are in the middle of having sex. I am not scared of what he will do if I leave. I just want him to understand that we don't have to have sex all the time. I want us to be able to talk to each other. His kids could even be in the house and he will still take me in the back room and have sex with me. He has kids under 10 so all you have to do is give them a toy and they are good for a few hours. I don't want him to be mad at me so that is why I stay. He is all I have right now. I think about breaking up with him every day. He gets on the phone and tells me that he loves me and he tells me that while he is having sex with me. I don't want to break his heart.

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ENOUGH

Posts: 30 | From: california | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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This guy does not love you. This guy wants to control you. That is a big difference. He has sexually abused you, he does not respect you, and he is putting you in danger by having unprotected sex with you against your will. Hell, if you say no and he sleeps with you regardless? That's rape.

You have absolutely no reason to want to consider his feelings in this. It's not like he ever considered yours. Get out of this relationship. NOW.

Do you have friends/family you trust? You need support to get through this. Tell a friend or trusted family member about this and ask them to support you. Then end this relationship.

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Johanna
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Alea
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Honey, you aren't going to break his heart. If he was in love with you, he'd treat you like a human being, not like a toy he can manipulate. From what you've told us, you're in an abusive, controlling relationship with a man who has no respect for your feelings.
It's always hard to face up to a situation and say "I am being abused." You find reasons why it isn't so, make excuses for him, and even blame yourself. Especially in a situation where you might have once consented - it's easy to think that saying yes once means that you can never say no. That isn't the case.
I know that you don't want to hurt him, but you have to be selfish and put your safety first. Violent relationships only escalate. A punch now can turn into a broken arm later - putting his hands in your panties when you're saying no can turn into pinning you down and brutaly raping you. For your own safety, get out of this violent situation. I also suggest going to the police and getting a restraining order - it sounds like your boyfriend wouldn't take a breakup well.
Blessed be,
Mel.

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Obscurity is the refuge of the incompetent.

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Huni
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Is there a such thing of depriving him of what he needs? This morning I was at his house and he got mad because I didn't want to have sex with him. He said it wasn't fair becuase he went down on me. I told him that I didn't even want him to do that and he said that he still wouldn't 'put it it' all he wanted to do was make me feel good. Anyway; when he got mad I went to the bedroom and gave him what he wanted. He told me that I can't deprive him like that because that is what makes him mad at me. I think I am starting to love him but I only can say that when we are out in public becuase he acts different when we are in public.

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ENOUGH

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LilBlueSmurf
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No, there is no such thing as depriving him of what he needs. You are NOT responsible for fulfilling his sexual needs. Don't ever think you are. If he's horny, he has two hands; he can masturbate and ta da! All better.

You need to start setting some boundaries here. If you don't want to have sex, say no, and mean it. Don't give in. You're sending him a message that if he bothers you and harasses you enough, you'll give in. The message that you WANT to be sending is that you are not responsible for pleasing him, and if he doesn't like it, tough ... poop [Razz]

This guy needs to go. Now.

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cool87
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Huni, I have been in a situation similar to yours. So I know how hard it can be to be to realize that the situation you're in might not be sound.

So if you want to discuss that with me, just ask and I'll be pleased to try to help you in whatever ways I can.

[ 10-31-2006, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Huni
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quote:
Originally posted by cool87:
Huni, I have been in a situation similar to yours. So I know how hard it can be to be to realize that the situation you're in might not be sound.

So if you want to discuss that with me, just ask and I'll be pleased to try to help you in whatever ways I can.

The very first time I went to his house (which was also the very first time we had sex)I made advances at him. We played around and then he put it in me and I was trying to tell him no but he wouldn't stop. Like I said before; when i asked him why he didn't stop he said that because he thought that I wanted it. So I have always thought that it was my fault for leading him on like that. I have a male friend that is always saying that a girl knows wether or not she is going to give it up before she gets to the dudes house and that if she is in the middle of getting the dude all hot that she can't just change her mind like that. Is that true? Even if he already has it in?

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ENOUGH

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-Lauren-
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No, sweetie.

Consent isn't about not saying no; it's about saying yes. Nobody has a pass to your body, no matter the circumstances, and you have the right at all times to tell somebody to stop. There are even women who have been married for several years who have been raped by their husbands. Initiating sex or continuing the act when consent has not been given OR is revoked is rape.

Your boyfriend talking about "needs" is bull, hun. Most of the population of sexually active people masturbate regularly, and he can do that just as easily as anyone else. The body can't tell the difference.

Don't let him manipulate you anymore, and have a serious talk with somebody you trust about getting away.

(Edit: I'm in California too, so if you need help finding someplace near you that can help you sort through this, just say the word.)

[ 10-31-2006, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

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Alea
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At no time is it right for someone to do something to your body without your consent, and your boyfriend stating that he did it because he "thought you wanted it" is just another way to be manipulative. If he truly cared about you, your saying no would be more important than his wanting sex. You are not responsible for his sexual needs, and it is extremely unfair of him to push you into doing something that you are uncomfortable with for his own gratification.

I strongly advise you to get out of this relationship, but if you do want to try and make it work, you will have to set boundaries and STAND BY THEM. If he pushes a certain amount and you stop fighting, that will lead him to believe that all he has to do is push hard enough and he'll get what he wants. I had a somewhat similar experience, and the man involved didn't realize that it was wrong until I sat down and talked to him about it. No means no. If you aren't able to sit down with your boyfriend and talk to him about how what he's doing makes you feel, you have no business being in a relationship with him anyway.

There's one thing that I cannot stress enough. It is never, ever right for a man to hit you. Especially not as a way of manipulating you into doing what he wants. This relationship is already abusive, and shows signs that it will develop into a truly horrible situation that no woman should have to go through. No matter what he offers you, it is not worth being raped and beaten. Emotional security, as nebulous as it may sound in this situation, may be why you're still there. But while you may feel more secure in a relationship, if you are not happy, leave. From what you've said, you have no obligation to this man, and your safety is far more important than his momentary happiness.

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logic_grrl
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We played around and then he put it in me and I was trying to tell him no but he wouldn't stop.

This? Is rape. And this is a guy who is repeatedly sexually assaulting and beating you.

This is not a point where you can or should stay and "try to make the relationship work"; you need to get out. Now.

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Huni
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Thank you so much for your help. I plan on talking to him about this really soon maybe even today. I will let yall know what happens. Thankyou [Smile]

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logic_grrl
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Honestly, I wouldn't advise trying to talk to him about it.

It's not going to permanently change his behaviour (even though some abusers will say they're sorry and promise it'll never happen again - and then it always does), and it could potentially put you in even more danger - he's already shown that he can be very violent.

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"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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Huni
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I have talked to him about it over the phone but not face to face yet. I am going to talk to him today. Maybe he just needs to look me in my eyes. Maybe then he could see just how serious I am and how much he is hurting me. I love him and don't want to leave him. I real believe that I need him because when we are out together we have so much fun. I know he has shown that he can be violent but I think I am going to talk to him. Then if he does it again it is over!!!!

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ENOUGH

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000
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Huni. You need to realize that this is serious. If this guy has kids several years old he's got to be old enough to have some idea of what he's doing, already. He's already got some idea that he's hurting you, I'm afraid. You really shouldn't stay with someone just b/c they're fun to go out and do things with. You will find other people, other loves in your life, who will be fun to go out and do things with /and/ who will treat you much, much better. Like an equal, like someone who has rights over her own body, instead of like property. You don't /need/ him. You don't /need/ anyone who abuses you. You will find other people who love you back more than this guy does.

I know this has gotta sound harsh from your end. But I'm dead serious. Please watch yourself, girl. It's a very dangerous situation you're putting yourself in. Break it up and keep your standards high and you will find someone else eventually who's much easier to communicate with. If you get yourself out now you will be a stronger person. You will learn to assert boundaries in the future. If anyone rapes or assaults you (meaning you said no and they did something or didn't stop doing something) that relationship with that person should end /right then/. Raping really isn't the "I'll give him a second chance" kind of thing, it's the "he gets off (too) easy if he doesn't land his a** in prison" kind of thing -you follow?

(btw, What did he say on the phone?) Not that that changes /anything/ I've said above.

[ 11-01-2006, 07:02 PM: Message edited by: iheartdc ]

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Huni
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When I talked to him on the phone I told him that when I tell him no that that is what I mean and that he can't keep going or try to get me to do anything. He was just like 'ok' and then we started to talk about something else.

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Huni
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Also we were talking about how I am pregnant by him and he is telling me that I can't be BY HIM because he never came in me. I told him that I was gonna have an abortion because I wouldn't want to put myself or my child through that. He said that he wanted me to keep it and then I told him no and that I was gonna have the abortion on Sunday. He said that they won't do it unless both of us want it to be done. I told him that they will because it is the womans choice. Does he have to be there and tell them that it is ok? I don't want him there at all!!!

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-Lauren-
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No, Huni. He CANNOT influence you in any way. It is your choice, strictly. Good for you for standing your ground.

Why not head down to a local Planned Parenthood to discuss your options? They also help women in abusive relationships get away, if that's something you're interested in doing (and you should be, girl: you're too young to be going through something that even older women can't often bear.).

If you can tell me what county/city you live in, I can find some centers in your area, if you like.

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Huni
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Thank you so much but I have found one not even 5 mins away from my job in San Bernardino. He calls to check on me all the time so if I am not here he will know were I am cause he knows were that clinic is to. I am still gonna go. I don't want to have his child and I am not but I just feel so bad thinking about killing a child!!! I just don't want my child to grow up and start asking me why doesn't his/her daddy want him/her. That would break my heart to see him play with and take care of his kids but not even pay attention to mine.

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-Lauren-
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You're making the decision that you feel is best for you and a potential child. There's nothing to feel guilty about, hun.

Are you worried about him finding you during/after your visit? This is the place to go for help; they ask all women as standard practice about signs of abuse. They'll likely have counselors there for you to talk to about these issues and your abortion.

If you're honest with them, make clear the seriousness of what he has done (you should mention that he's raped you, in order to get proper treatment), and tell them about his disapproval of the procedure and your worries on those grounds, they WILL be able to help you.

Why wait? Situations like this are never fixable; especially in a relationship where a man is much older than a young women, because of the power imbalance ALREADY in play there.

It will get worse. We care about you, and want to keep it from happening.

[ 11-02-2006, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

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Huni
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I am worried about him finding me before and after. I don't want to go in there and he come in there looking for me nor do I want him to be there to get me when I come out from the abortion. You see, I don't know anyone out here and I don't want my mother to come and get me after the abortion and he is the only one that I can call to come and get me. If I don't call him then i will have to walk back to work. I get on the bus and the train to get to work (I drive my car to the train station because I can't drive all the way to work). If I call him then he will want to take me back to his house and then he will probaly want to have sex with me. I just want him to be there for me. I just don't understand what I did to make him act like this towards me.

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logic_grrl
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You didn't do anything - some guys are just abusive, and they will abuse any woman they can get their hooks into.

Please, whatever you do, don't call him to get you - that puts you in a very dangerous situation when you're especially vulnerable. He's not going to "be there for you", especially since he's already opposed to the abortion.

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-Lauren-
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Do not, be any means, rely on him for transportation. Taking a little extra time to take public transportation or walk a little ways more won't do nearly as much harm as he's proved he can.

PP will not let him into the clinic if you tell them what's going on. It's a group of wonderfully supportive women; they might even be able to arrange a safe ride back to work.

You did nothing to deserve this treatment. His anger is his own problem, his own choice, and you had nothing to do with it. If not you, it'd be some other woman he'd beat and rape. This is not your fault. There is nothing you can do to change his behavior; your only two choices are to stay in or to get away.

You are worth so much more. Does your mother know this is going on? Would she be likely to help you through this?

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Huni
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No I wouldn't dare tell them anything!! They already think that I am doing ever thing wrong. I don't want them to know. That is why I am asking yall for help. This is really hard. He knows were I live and work. He knows what time I get to work, what buses I take to get to work, were I park my car, what time I get off, my house, work, and home number so there is no getting rid of him. I don't want to tell anyone because he has kids and they are all that he has. If he goes to jail then they will have to go to foster care and I don't want that for them.

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ENOUGH

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September
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You know, you've got to think of yourself first here, Huni. He has been abusive towards you, he's raped you repeatedly, he doesn't respect you or your choices, he is, in short, a total jerk. And you've got to do what you can to take care of yourself. And that does mean telling the people at PP about what happened and asking for their help and support.

And if you absolutely must consider his kids, consider this: Are they really better off living with a father who's the kind of person I described above? I would certainly worry about how safe it is for them to be with him.

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Johanna
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Huni
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I didn't mention that yesterday I was with him after I got off of work and we went to this lake thing in front of the hospital. When we were there he put his hands in my pants and was playing with me. Then he turned around towards me and pulled his penis out and he pulled me around to him and pulled the front of my pants down and had sex with me. No one would have known because my pants were loose and it would look like I was just sitting on his lap. Everytime I tried to move he would just say please baby please don't move and he would hold onto my back.

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ENOUGH

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Huni
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But I have heard some things about foster homes and how the people treat there kids. I don't want that for them. His kids love me and they always want me around. I love them too. He is such a good father and he would do anything for his kids.

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000
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Foster homes don't necessarily treat their kids badly. Plenty are fine homes. Also, you can stay in contact with those kids if you all want to, even if they wound up in a foster home.

I do not know the gender of his children, but I will say that fathers who are abusive to women have a tendency to become abusive to their daughters, and to raise sons that will also have a tendency to hate and abuse women. That does not necessarily happen all the time, but it is a risk. So really, honestly, I do not think it would be best for his children to stay with this man. I think it would be better for his children to have a good role model.

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Huni
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What about all of those kids that get abused by there foster parents. He never does anything to me in front of the kids and if he does hurt me or make me cry he never lets the kids see me. He is always really quite about what he does. He won't even spank his daughter when she is bad. He has 2 girls and 3 boys (there are twins a boy and a girl) so in total he has 5 kids. Do you think what I wrote earlier is rape to (it is right above the message about foster care)?

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ENOUGH

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-Lauren-
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ANY sexual act commited against you without your explicit consent is rape. That was a step further, since it was in a public place. That right there was many criminal acts in one. This man is outright scum, doll. Those children are living with a violent rapist. A foster home would give them greater hope, and like was said above, you can stay in the children's lives if you like.

Children are an even easier target than a young woman; I can tell you with near utter assurance that the children suffer when you aren't looking.

This isn't the way anything close to healthy is supposed to be. Go in tomorrow, tell the people at PP what's going on, and get away as soon as you can.

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Huni
Neophyte
Member # 31306

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This cost money and when I talked to them they told me that I have to have the money up front. I don't have any thing to give them right now. I can't even pay for a physical (pap, std, and other things) let alone a ABORTION. That is gonna cost so much. That is the only reason why I won't be able to go.

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ENOUGH

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-Lauren-
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You can go to Planned Parenthood in California with the FamilyPACT program.

Call Planned Parenthood again and tell them that you have no insurance, must keep services confidential, and that you would like to sign up for FamilyPACT during your visit. Don't bring up abortion services over the phone; just tell them you'd like a pregnancy test and STI testing.

That program will cover basic reproductive health care, birth control, infection testing, and pregnancy testing/counseling at no cost to you.

Here's a thread with more details:

Washington and California State Family Planning Programs

You'll have to fill out some forms during your office visit stating your income; for an unmarried young woman, that's one person in your family, and the max income to qualify is 1200 a month. If you're below that, you should qualify for free services.

After a positive pregnancy test, they'll usually counsel you as to what you plan to do. They can help you find out about financing an abortion.

So, try making an appointment, okay?

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Huni
Neophyte
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I am going to call them now. Thank you so much you have been so much help. I am going to try to do something about what he is doing to me. I am going to try to leave him. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to have sex when HE wants to anymore. I will be coming back to yall for help so please look out for me. Thank you so much. I will keep you posted on what is going on!!!! [Cool]

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ENOUGH

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Kay Dee
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Alright, I feel the need to step in here. I'm a new member with a very strong history, I come from the relationship exactly as you're describing.

I'm deaf and motherless because my father abused my mother. She kept going back to him. She got pregnant by him. She had abortions before me and somehow ended up keeping me.

Everything you are going through was what happened to her in the beginning of their relationship. They lived in NC. She was around 18 years old and he was in his 20s. He was a charming dude, handsome, with curly blond hair and tattoos on his arms. I've got a lot of my looks from him, I look exactly like his sister.

She had a black eye when she gave birth to me in the hospital, I have a picture to prove it. She finally moved for the last time away from him after he'd started putting bruises on me. I was just over 2 years old. She went down to Florida with her friends. He was enraged, as far as I know.

In short, her best friends had been out partying. She was alone with me in the room. 14 hours later after she was officially dead, the police found her in the room strangled to death, with the room in entire disarray, and me crying my eyes out on her belly.

They found my dad and arrested him for suspect in murder. Then they charged him in SECOND-DEGREE murder.

My mother's family had to fight to get me out of foster care in Florida. Then I was back home in NC for Christmas, and later was discovered to have lost my hearing. When they had found me in that room, there was a hand print on the side of my face, so the theory is that he slapped me for making noise when he was trying to murder the only woman he claimed to love.

He was let out when I was 11 years old. He is currently living in bliss with a girlfriend in GA, last I heard.

He loved her, and he told her that if he couldn't have her, no one else could. Look where that got her.

I'm glad you're taking steps to get away from him. She also went to women's shelter, but ended up going back to him when he cried and told her how much he loved her. You have to also consider that restraining orders don't always work. They may arrest him if you notify him breaking the order, but what good is that if he gets to you and hurts you more than you know?

Edited* to add their age at the time this happened. It might be relevant, I don't know.

[ 01-07-2007, 01:29 AM: Message edited by: Kay Dee ]

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