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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Breaking up...

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Author Topic: Breaking up...
Member # 24120

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Ok, I recently posted about my boyfriend and my birthday. However, last night I went with my best friend to get my hair trimmed. I didn't want it cut. I just got it trimmed. I took an inch and half off of dead ends. My boyfriend loved my hair the way it was.

He didn't notice when I saw him last night. So before I left, I told him. He flipped out and said I had to go. And out the door I went.

This morning I text messaged him and told him I loved him and I would see him tonight when he came over. But he told me no. I asked him y, he said he had things to do. I said ok. And then from that he started getting mad and he said we were over. I started crying immediately. I love him with all of my heart.

He continued to text message me and he told me it was over. When I got home from work I cried for 2 hours straight because I didnt want it to be over. I kept texting him and finally he called me and told me not to text him anymore. I said fine. Later on he called me again. He said he would bring my stuff by tonight, and drop it off but he didnt want to see me. I cried more after we got off the phone.

He told me also through a text message that i am a bitch because i didnt say sorry. I texted him and told him that I did not say i was sorry because i figured he would not want to hear it, nor would he believe me.

He texted and said that he would have believed me, and because he believed me, he might have considering getting back together. Well he hasnt texted back after i sent 2 texts saying i love him and i am truly sorry.

So I guess I will see him tonight, but I am scared because he doesn't want to see me, he just wants to grab his stuff and go. I want him to talk to me. Am I wrong with wanting this to happen?

Posts: 65 | From: Edwardsville, IL, USA | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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If he's going to break up with you because you trimmed your hair, which is something that people do, and then be incredibly manipulative about it and try to make it seem like it's all your fault, do you really WANT to stay with him?

While it does hurt when someone is a complete and utter jerk, I think you're better off without him.

Posts: 3077 | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 24120

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I really do want to stay with him. I love him more then anything. I know trimming my hair is a very stupid thing, but I just really want to be with him. He is the first guy I have officially loved and wanted to be with forever.
Posts: 65 | From: Edwardsville, IL, USA | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 26852

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Seriously, he's a MORON. Be glad you're rid of such a jerk!

Posts: 86 | From: california | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 28071

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Why should you have to apologize for cutting your hair, when to do so is a normal and healthy part of hair care? Especially given he didn't even notice until you pointed it out? To me it sends up HUGE red flags if you need to apologize for doing something so completely normal and healthy to your own body, not to mention controlling and manipulative. For that shouldn't need permission either.

It may do you well to check out this Abusive Partner Checklist that the site has on another forum. If your guy does stuff like this frequently, or is otherwise controlling of what you can and can't do, you need to be aware of that now.

I know it can be hard to think of life without someone you care about, but please, make sure the relationship you're in is healthy. I've seen some horrible relationships with partners refusing to leave an abusive situation because they "truly loved their partner." Just make sure you don't trap yourself into a relationship that isn't emotionally healthy for you. This one...from what I see in this post, does not appear to be.

[ 05-16-2006, 07:02 PM: Message edited by: greenapp1es ]

Posts: 96 | From: Illinois | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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...this guy sounds like he has problems that go beyond anything you are equipped to deal with. He flipped out over you trimming your hair--this is screaming "controlling! controlling!" in bright neon 50-foot-high letters. The fact that he expected you to apologize and called you names for trimming your hair is even worse.

Sure, your boyfriend can have preferences about your hair, or your makeup, or your clothing. But that is in no way the same as saying that his opinion is more important than yours.

If I dress up for my boyfriend, that's because I chose to do so. If I wear blue and green eyeshadow (something my own boyfriend dislikes, he prefers the "natural" look when it comes to makeup) that's because I enjoy having fun makeup, and he has to accept that. I may choose not to wear such makeup when I'm going to see him because it makes him happy, but I am never, ever going to let him make demands of how I dress or act. I am not to be ordered around, I'm not his pet.

Same goes for him, if he wants to wear faded green pants with paint on them, or let his hair grow out until it becomes an outta control fro, that's his choice. I may think it's silly or whatever, but that's his personal choice. I didn't get into a relationship to make someone into what I want, nobody can do that with a partner and expect it to work.

Your (ex-)boyfriend sounds like he has no idea that a romantic partner is a person, not a topiary plant that he gets to trim and mold into whatever shape he feels like. You're not a tree that has no emotions and opinions, you're a person who gets to make her own choices, grooming or otherwise. It's your hair, your life, and the fact that he's trying to control that is a very, very bad sign. It may escalate to other things--are you still going to accept his decisions if he starts saying he doesn't want you dressing a certain way, or meeting certain people? I should hope not.

disconnect and let me drift/until my upside down is right side *in*

Posts: 640 | From: The Valley of the Sun, AZ, USA | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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a romantic partner is a person, not a topiary plant that he gets to trim and mold into whatever shape he feels like.
...and the award for Best Dysfunctional Interpersonal Dynamic Analogy of 2006 goes to faifai!

(Seriously, that was a bit of charming brilliance much appreciated by this insomniac.)

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 24120

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Thanks for all of your replys. However, I talked to him rationally last night when he came to pick up his stuff. And we figured alot of things out. We hung out last night and this morning, and things were alot better. He apologized for everything and he really looked sincere. I know its probably not my best judgement to take him back, but I did and I am happy. Thanks for all of your help, but its really was my decision.
Posts: 65 | From: Edwardsville, IL, USA | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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