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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Finding the emotional abuse harder....

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Author Topic: Finding the emotional abuse harder....
nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Hey,

This is really odd for me, having been in relationships where I was sexually and physically abused, and then being in a relationship now where the abuse is mostly emotional and I am finding it harder than ever.

First of all, I do really love him. He has told me he will never love me like I love him, but that he wants to be with me. Which is confusing for me.

We went away on the weekend, as I had surgery on monday and was nervous about it, so it was supposed to take my mind off of that. Friday night, we slept together, and he was really nice to me and kind. When we woke up the next morning he would not talk to me. I asked him what was wrong when we were out, because he wouldnt touch me when we are out. He said it was because of me being raped recently and he felt like I was dirty and he didnt want to talk about it anymore.

That night we went out and we saw a woman who had been my nurse when I was in hospital. My boyfriend insisted we invite her and her girlfriends to come out with us. He introduced me to them as his friend. And later that night he told me to go back to the hotel by myself because he was going home with the nurse. So I spent that night alone. He got back in the morning and he was being really good to me. He was being really affectionate and he said it was all because he had been drinking, and told me not to be petty and stupid about it. Which did make me feel really stupid.

He tells me all the time that he thinks I am all used up because of being raped for so long, and how its discucting on my part. But then he will hug me and say he was just tired or whatever. Its so confusing for me [Frown] He can be so so great and I love him. And then he wont touch me and tells me I am discusting, or he tells others we are not together. At least with the boyfriends who hurt me physically, it ended after they hurt me, and I didnt feel so confused. This is harder because I know he is a good guy. Everyone tells me how much of a good guy he is, maybe its all me? I dont know.

I dont know how to deal with the emotional stuff. Im finding it harder than the rest right now.

Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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This isn't all you, nix.

As you know, I've been reticent to tell you to get out of this relationship because you already are coping with so much.

But this last bit, with the nurse, and the way he's reacting to your rapes is pretty much beyond the pale, and beyond the point at which a relationship is going to be at all beneficial to you.

Good guys don't leave partners they're supposed to be monogamous with telling them they're heading off to have sex with their NURSE. (Him having sex with the nurse, period, is awful. Him announcing to you that's where he was going like that is just outer limits.) being drunk is not an excuse: he still got to choose his actions.

Good guys don't blame the victim, and don't tell partners who are survivors they are disgusting, dirty and all used up. Being tired isn't a valid excuse: even when tired, we need to think of our partner's well-being. Beyond that, being tired didn't make him think these things: he was thinking them already, and a partner who feels that way is NOT a healthy partner for a survivor (or anyone really).

Good guys don't tell others they don't have a partner when they do.

He's not a good guy. Not to you, anyway, and that's what counts.

Sounds like this guy has an excuse for everything: he's tired. He's drunk. Your friend told him X. You can't take excuses to the bank, and when someone has an excuse for everything, rather than starting to take steps to behave differently, they're not going to change their behaviour. Clearly, he's got no interest in doing so.

He's also made clear he doesn't share your feelings.

I'm sorry, but all signs point towards you needing to get out of this. I KNOW that sucks, especially when you already feel so isolated, but being lonely is going to be less unhealthy for you, and less of a blockade to your healing and getting your life back than being with a big jerk.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BiLLaBaBy017
Activist
Member # 6514

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Hi nixie. I know EXACTLY what you're going through. My husband emotionally and physically abuses me all the time (well just emotionally right now because he's in Iraq) but when he was home he would physically abuse me all them. I couldn't wear make-up, earrings, talk to any new people, talk to my past boyfriends, couldn't have girl friends, couldn't go anywhere else but work and home, and I had to tell him where I was and who I did it with if I came home even 10 minutes late. Miz Scarlet is right. You NEED to get out of this, NOW! If I would have listened to Miz S in the first place, I wouldn't still be in this situation, and I am kicking myself in the *** everyday for not listening to her or anyone. You don't need to isolate yourself from everyone, that is not who you are. You are a growing person who has feelings, and a right to have a life. Get rid of this piss ant and move on with your life. You deserve better, you NEED better.

Excuse the horrible language [Smile] I mean no harm in what I say

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Tomorrow is mystery
Today is a gift


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Posts: 294 | From: Minneapolis | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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