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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Sexual Prey 3... Then ending

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Author Topic: Sexual Prey 3... Then ending
Member # 15295

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Ok, I've posted here before about this... This is the 3rd in a line of "sexual prey" topics.
Ok, where to begin...

After posting in here last, the abuse kept escalating. I was lying to myself about the control I had in it, and I was also lying to myself for the fact that I actually wanted this to happen to me. Truth be told, I was terrified of him, and thought that if I were to even post in here what was really going on, I was going to get hurt even worse than I already was.

Consensual seems to be a word that has been used a lot lately. He kept telling me that it was because it was 'consensual' was what made it all legal. But once again, this was not a consensual thing. In fact, from day one when I first noticed something changed, I immediately tried to push him away... I told him it was wrong and that I didn't want him in 'that' way. I did care for him in the sense that he was like a 'dad' figure to me in my life, but really, he only potrayed that image because he knew that he could get to me emotionally that way.

After the heavy kissing and fondeling was getting old to him, he actually began forcefully using me for his own pleasure. He would hold me so tightly that I thought I wasn't going to be able to take another breath. He would hold my arms and legs down with his while he would do whatever he saw fit with me. I begged, I pleaded with him to stop, but he wouldn't. I didn't understand why he told me that "I was in control" yet whenever I told him to stop (which was all the time) he never would. The heavy kissing soon turned into where he would actually grab my head and pull my hair to where he would force me to 'go down on him.' I think that has been one of the worst experiences of them all. I can tell you one thing, I was so terrified after that day that I was afraid not to do what he told me to. I saw his strength, his callousedness and his determination to get whatever he wanted no matter what expense it came to me.

Soon after that, someone made the comment to him about him messing around with me. He thought I had told, so he hurt me really bad later on that night. I was so scared... my lip was bleading, I had marks on my chest... at that point I learned that submission was easier than fighting him... It was all about survical at that point, whatever I could do to get by and come out alive was what I did.

I thought going down on him was horrible, but the worst was yet to come. I was so scared to tell anyone at that point that I figured this was what the rest of my life was going to be like - me - being sexually abused - by him. But it got worse.

He threw me down on the floor and lay on top of me to where I could do anything but turn my head from side to side. He pulled up my skirt and then did - what I thought was unthinkable... I was screaming "PlEASE STOP! NO! You told me if I wouldn't tell anyone you wouldn't do this" , but he didn't listen... He just kept yelling "you want me to do this, you want me to F*** you, I'm just going to rape you now" ... and he did just that.... he got about 3/4 of the way in me and I was screaming and crying... it was enough to where he actually was able to rotate around inside of me... The pain I was experiencing was some I hope never to face again. Not only physical pain, but emotional distress and bewilderment as to what was happeneing to me. This was not fun... This whole thing was NEVER fun... I never wanted any of this to happen to me, but I was too scared to get out. He ended up ejaculating all over me- and at that point just simply said- "go clean yourself up ... we're done here"

Thankfully, one of the friends of my family had figured out what was going on and had gone to the sherriff's dept. nearly 3 weeks prior to when I was raped, but they didn't act upon it then. May 27th, I was pulled out from my history class because a detective wanted to talk with me. Part of me was screamimg "thank God, it's over" and the other half was saying "oh no, it's just begining"... I was able to convey to her, through the tears and confusement what had happened to me... my "authority figure" who is that no longer is being charged now with Sexual Offense on a Minor and Statutory Rape... I am currently waiting for the grand jury to conveen and then for the trial...

It's hard now to think back on what all has happened to me, and the fear that I had about not knowing how to get out... all the lies I told myself about 'it's my fault' ,'maybe this is me doing this' and all of those other horrible lies there were. Emotionally- I'm absolutely a mess right now... Physically- I'm still having bad pains when my period comes... I'm having to go to the DR. and see if it's because of what happened to me... Mentally- I'm out somewhere in la-la-land... zoned out like I did when he did all those things to me. I'm currently in counseling and it seems to be helping somewhat....

However... people are treating me so differently now- some think I'm a whore... which really upsets me , because they have NO IDEA what I went through and how I tried so hard to stop him... were they there when he was raping me? or when he was holding me down saying all types of horrible things to me? No... they weren't... and they have NO RIGHT to judge me, because I'm finally coming to realize that THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT... I was preyed upon by a pedophile that tapped into me emotionally and was able to frighten me so much that I didn't know which way was up. Some other poeple seem to understand, but yet through all of this- I still feel all alone...

Anyway- Just to let everyone out there who is going through these things know - you NEED to tell someone... I understand how scared you are , and how hard it is, but you need to get out before something horribly bad happens to you...

Also- I ask for your prayers, because if I have to go to court and testify- I think I'll just die... I'm really scared right now, on top of all the emotional instability... I'm such a mess right now... I just want to get back to normal - I think I've forgotten what that is...

What I went through is now part of me... it isn't ALL of me, but it is a part of my story that I can share with others who might need strength going through it... Let me encourage you to never think that you deserve what's happening to you, or to think that it is your fault...

Will I ever be able to accept all the things that happened to me? I don't know... but I do know this- This has made me stronger- and a fighter...

----------- sexual prey no more ------------
~~~~~~~~~~I survived~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posts: 8 | From: NC, USA | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 18520

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::big huge humongous hug:: You totally have my prayers, hun!
Posts: 95 | From: Florida | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 19052

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And mine, I am glad you got out of that one and realized that it was not your fault at all. Good luck in court, I hope all goes well, stay strong .

~Saturnine~ " I once had a garden of flowers that only grew thoughts. They needed constant attention, and one day I decided I had better things to do."- Unknown

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

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Take a moment to be proud of yourself for what you are doing.

You are taking steps to see that he faces consequences for his actions; not only is that just, it will hopefully prevent him from being able to repeat this. While testifying may be very difficult, please do what is necessary to get him identified as a sex offender and make it that much more difficult for him to have an opportunity to prey on others.

It also sounds like you are actively taking care of yourself both physically and emotionally. I'm sorry you had to go through this but you deserve a great deal of credit for how you're handling it. Thanks for updating us; I remember your other posts and have wondered if you were okay.

I'll keep some good thoughts headed your way.

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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