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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Painful Love...But i just cannot leave.

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Author Topic: Painful Love...But i just cannot leave.
Member # 17139

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After my boyfriend found out about what i did, it got really bad. I mean hes healing, and we can be having a good conversation, but then he remembers about what i did, then he starts cussing at me and calling me ALL SORTS OF HORRIBLE names. It hurts me soo much. and he asks me if im willing to deal with it, and i say yes. he says he treats me like that sometimes cuz of what i did. He says i should deal with it cuz i love him, and he deals with me cuz he loves me also. Soemtimes i ask myself if dealing with all this is the right thing to do. I love him and he loves me, but when he remembers, he hurts me with his words. and he says for me to keep my mouth shut. I need someones advice. and i dont want to leave him, i just dont know how to deal with all this pain hes giving me. When we make love its allright, but then later, he remembers, and he calls me a slut and other names. I know i deserve it cuz of what i did, and i changed my ways, but it really does hurt. What can i do to make him understand that what hes doing is hurting me too much.I cant take another fight
Posts: 37 | From: El Monte, C.A, America | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 9702

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What you did? Maybe you talked about this in a previous post, but I have no idea what you're talking about, please clarify.

*Don't doubt yourself, or your love, even if someone is doubting you.

Posts: 123 | From: Wisconsin, United States | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

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Even if you had cheated on him, verbally abusing you and like this would not be okay.

Given that (from what you've said in the other thread) you were actually raped and he's been trying to convince you it's was your "fault", it's way, way out of line.

You do not in any way deserve this treatment, and the fact that he's telling you that you do is extremely worrying.

Please take a look at The Abusive Partner Checklist and ask yourself if this relationship is actually safe or healthy for you.

Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1371

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Love does not equal abuse. He's not worth it. Right now it might seem like he is, but he isn't. If your friend came to you and told you this story, what would you tell her?

I'll repeat what I said before; get out. get out NOW. And tell this jerk to stay far away from you.

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Member # 14592

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I know this is hard to hear...
But he is verbally abusing you. There is no excuse for abuse. None. EVER. And it is NEVER your fault- I don't care what you did. There's a difference between cheating on someone and they get upset and say hurtful things- and them abusing you, using that as a scapegoat.

From what you've said, it seems to me like he would have started this if you'd done anything- from cheat on him to cutting your hair in a way he didn't like.

Please get out of that relationship as fast as you can. *hugs* if ok.


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Member # 17139

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Yeah, i know its wrong and i should leave, and when i get the strength to leave, i get weak, i just cannot do it. He always tells me something to convince me not to do it. Im scared to be alone. To me, all other guys just want you in bed, but he never did. He has always been there for me, and cared. but ever since i messed up, he just treats me bad most of the time, only when he remembers.
Posts: 37 | From: El Monte, C.A, America | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Cannot and will not aren't the same thing.

Unless someone is literally holding you down, you CAN leave. You are choosing not to.

And while you're saying the mistreatment only occurred after this situation -- a situation, mind you, that from your accounts was a rape, one you are now facing EXTRA challenges getting over because of this boyfriend -- that doesn't make it better, excuse it, or change the facts that right now, you are in a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship in which you are being verbally abused and mistreated.

Him being good with his words to coerce you into staying is actually very common behaviour among abusers. You can hold him accountable -- and I suggest you do -- for his behaviour. But you can't point the finger at him for YOUR inability to leave and be independent. That's yours.

You hit the real nail on the head when you said " I'm scared to be alone."

Because the fact of the matter is that anyone who IS scared to be alone cannot make sound judgements and choices about relationships until they are no longer scared of that. It's simply not possible.

Everyone can be alone, and not wanting to is one of the worst reasons for avoiding it, and avoiding it via having relationships, that there is.

So, I'd suggest -- as have others -- that you take a risk and do so. I can absolutely assure you that being alone will not be worse than being verbally abused. And that doing so, and being comfortable with it, will change your life immeasurably when it comes to how you feel about yourself, and when it comes to who you allow into your intimate life and emotional world. You'll find that once you ARE fine, all by yourself, that you will in no way tolerate relationships in which you aren't treated with real respect and care, even in crisis situations, and you'll be amazed what you let yourself get into, and tolerate, before.

But truth be told, if you're not willing to do that, there isn't a whole lot anyone here can do for you at this point.

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 04-16-2004).]

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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