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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Is this date rape?

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Author Topic: Is this date rape?
Member # 22957

Icon 9 posted      Profile for sillyhavoc     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yesterday my boyfriend skipped school and come over to my house although I asked him not. We were alone then, but I was worried my parents would come home early therefore I asked him not to come over, but he did anyway. I meet him at the door, and told him told him nothing could happen between us but wanting to be nice I invited him in and we made out a little. Well he started fingering me and it was really painful becuse I didn't want to be doing that, but I felt too obligated to him to tell him to stop. Well after a few minutes I invited him into my room, just meaning to please him orally, but after a few minutes he was wanting to do more. I kept telling him that I didn't think that was a good idea, but he kept pushing it, and in the end, even though I didn't want to be doing this, I agreed to it.

We ended up not having sex after all, becuse even with lubrication he couldn't fully penatrate, but through the whole painful experience I felt so humiliated and used. Afterwards he apolgized for being so insistant with me, and he only acted than way becuse it had been so long since we'd done anything. But that is hardly an excuse...we hadn't seen each other for a week. However there was a time when my exboyfriend and I didn't see each other for a month or more, and he was never that forward, and if I didn't feel like having sex that day, he was more than willing to accept my wishes.

So...even though I did verbally agree to the situation and even performed oral sex does this count as date rape b/c I didn't really want to be doing this? I feel very much like a victum...I am even blaming myself for the whole situation...I should have spoke up, said something, I shouldn't have invited him in...there are so many ways I've placed the blame on myself.

I really don't know how to face him later, or if this something that can even be fixed...or even if I want to fix this.

Posts: 23 | From: Austin | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 22471

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In the terms of legality, I do not believe this would constitute as rape.

HOWEVER, this does not mean that by any means it was okay, because you yourself did not feel welcome of it or comfortable with it. You wERE taken advantage of and it is NOT okay for your boyfriend to act this way.

My suggestion? Cut it off, now. Stop the relationship, do not see him any longer, because if he will not respect your hesitations and wishes he is not respecting YOU and he is not good for you.

That is how you can fix this, by making sure you don't let him have the chance to take advantage of you again.

Remember, there is nothing caring about someone who pressures you to do anything you are not ready for or wanting to do, and you need to stick to your own feelings and be verbal about it. Don't be afraid to say no and to enforce that.

So, please, hon, really stop seeing this guy because it sounds no good at all to me.

And I don't want to add more to the stress you're feeling from this, but were these protected encounters? If not, you have had a pregnancy risk as well as substantial STI risks and will need to consider those as well. If this was unprotected, you can seek out Emergency Contraception now if you do not wish to become pregnant, and you will need to schedule a time you can have a full sTI screening done in about a month.

Posts: 3382 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Just another suggestion.

In the future, when you do not want to be having any sort of sex, and when you want to be clear that NO is your answer, don't suggest fellatio to quell a partner. Not only does that send a mixed message, that IS still a sexual act, for you, and if you do that, of course you're going to feel used. In some sense, you're setting yourself up for just that. Doing things like that also isn't going to help you get over the idea that you are EVER obligated to provide sex for someone: noe one is EVER obligated to do so.

I also just want to be clear: even when something is NOT rape, that does not mean you aren't allowed to be upset by it, conflicted, and unhappy. Because something is not rape does not mean everything is automatically okay, or that everyone behaved well or with care. As well, a lack of rape does not mean the sex was emotionally healthy or okay. You don't need for something to be classed as rape for it to NOT be okay with you or anyone else. You don't need for something to be classed as rape to verify that the kind of sex you had is not the kind of sex you want.

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 22957

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just letting you know I broke up with the idoit. I am sad...I miss him...but know I deserve much better. Thank you. [Smile]
Posts: 23 | From: Austin | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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