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Author Topic: Is there anything better
xneed2knowx
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My boyfriend isn't the most compassionate guy out there and it definitely surfaces in the bedroom. He's always wanting me to perform oral sex on him and I cant stand it. It literally makes me sick -- not because of the motions or gagging but because of issues I have related to it. He has no compassion regarding 'my' problem with it and says that I need to get over it and please my man. He gets really mad if I don't do it and then gets extremely too rough sort of like payback for me not helping him in the other area. Outside of the bedroom it's about the same - his needs come first before anyone elses. He is the most selfish person I know and I can't stand him anymore (yes I know I made my own bed). I have a 1 year old and we have no place to go so it's not like I can just leave him. What should I do? I'm really tired of his crap but I feel like I have no other options. I know life doesn't have to be this way. Maybe I just need someone elses perspective.

Sorry if this is in the wrong forum...wasn't sure where to put it.

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LilBlueSmurf
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Is there another reason why you're w/ this guy ...? Is there something you like about this guy? Why are you dating him?

Saying that he's not compassionate is an understatement. This guy is abusive.

Do you have any friends or family there that you can stay w/? Are you aware of any shelters in your area that could help you until you can get a place of your own?

I know it's going to be hard to get away, especially w/ a young child, but you are doing her no favours in staying there. If he hasn't already, he will eventually become abusive him/her.

If you need help finding resources in your area, just say the word. We're usually pretty good at this stuff.

Check it out -- The Abusive Partner Checklist

[ 08-24-2006, 02:26 PM: Message edited by: LilBlueSmurf ]

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xneed2knowx
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Well I hate to admit it but when it all began I had a vision of what I could make the relationship. I was dumb to think that if we all lived together we would suddenly become a happy family. My 1 year old is not his - he took both of us in and seemed happy to at that time. At first it was exciting, I felt like I was finally doing something positive by leaving my parents home. Then little by little I saw a different side of him. I was stupid to think we really had anything though. We've never said the love word to each other. It just seems like he only wants me around when he is hungry or in the bedroom. I don't claim to be innocent in this though - I've never really cared about him either yet I've made decisions that affect not just me but my child too. Mine is the worst of the two. The difference between us is that I have really tried though. He's never cared. He has told me and proven to me what I am worth -- nothing. I have given him all of me and he just spits in my face so to speak. Now I just want to leave but I don't know how. I don't know where to go. Before I lived with him I was with my mother and stepfather...I don't want to go back there. I don't have anyone else..I don't want to struggle forever like my mother did. I'm just so overwhelmed by everything. Maybe it's not that big of a deal, I don't know.
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-Lauren-
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You aren't dumb. You made an honest mistake, and you're willing to do something to remedy it. That's incredibly brave of you. This is a big deal, and you need to get away now for the sake of yourself and your daughter.

What city in Colorado do you live in? We can help you find counseling centers or shelters that can advise you further.

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Heather
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Too, per your first post here, your college is an EASY place to go to talk about housing options.

This stuff IS a big deal. You need to get away from this guy. Go to your college, ask for social services help there per housing and an abusive relationship, and take the steps from there.

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xneed2knowx
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Thank you both for responding, but I can't do that. I dont think it's abusive.

I take my classes online because I have no childcare for my 16 month old. I never go to the campus it's an hour and a half away.

It doesn't matter if it was 5 minutes away though, I don't think I could do that. I could think about doing it but I'd never actually let myself do it, it's too scary and humiliating. You've answered my question you gave me a couple options but I cant do that so i guess I'm not as ready as I thought. Just forget this post, I shouldn't have said anything about it. I'm sorry.

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DarkChild717
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We can't force you to make decisions. All we can do is provide you with the information you need to help yourself.

But, you need to ask yourself: is being with an abuser really more important than being yourself? He's clearly done his job at getting you to forget about what's most important. YOU.

And what about your child? Do you honestly think it is a wise decision to let your child see you abused? To allow your child to be abused?

This isn't just about you. You've got some tough decisions to make, and none of us can make it for you. But you need to realize: we can offer you plenty of local resources to help you, but YOU need to do it for yourself and for your child. We are here to help.

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Heather
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Sometimes it helps to try and switch perspectives to see things clearly.

Might you have a little sister? Or can you even envision this scenario with your grown child?

If THEY were in a situation like this, would it still so easily not "seem abusive?" Is this something you'd want for someone you love?

And if this is NOT abusive...how is it healthy? How is it a relationship mutually beneficial to you both? How is it positive? How does it enhance your life and sense of self? How is it beneficial to your child, especially a child in their very formative years, who is going to start picking up their relationship models/norms very soon from watching you and this guy?

In the title of your post, you asked if there was something better. And there is: there is a LOT that is better, including the value you give to yourself. If you value yourself, it's a gimme that this isn't healthy, empowering or respectful of you, and that behaviour like this IS abusive. Someone insisting -- for any reason -- a partner do something sexually which they do not want to do is rape. Rape is abuse, and not only has it got no place in a healthy relationship, there is EVERYTHING better about not being in that scenario.

[ 08-26-2006, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]

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xneed2knowx
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I suppose your questions are more thought provoking questions rather than questions you actually want me to answer.

I will address one though - I don't have any siblings, but yes I see what you are getting at. I don't think my child is affected at this point. I can see how at 16 months he beginning to watch and imitate a lot more and how as he grows he will just become more and more susceptible to things around him. However, at this point in time he seems like a normal happy healthy and energetic baby. My child is treated well and that's the most important thing that matters to me.

I think as time goes on I am the one who is growing dim. Each morning that I wake up my burden seems harder to carry. My boyfriend wont let me work to get my own money so I am at home all the time. I do take classes but like I mentioned previously they are Internet courses so even still I remain here. If I had a job and could tuck some money away somewhere I would feel a lot more confident with leaving. I think I'm going to bring it up again and see what he says. He tries to justify himself saying that we can't afford daycare for my child and therefore I cannot work...but I'd be bringing home more than that. I feel like he just doesn't want me to have anything or do anything on my own. He wants me to rely on him constantly. Having a child, I have no choice...I have to ask him for money sometimes so that I can buy things and sex is how I pay him back.

what happens in our bedroom is not rape though. I willingly live here and I consent to sex. Yes, sometimes he is too rough because he gets mad at me, but I am the one who laid down with him, right? I have told him "that's too rough" and he doesn't stop. I understand it's not an ideal relationship, but I from the posts I guess the only way of changing it is to leave him.

I just read over my post and I feel disappointed with myself over my own naivety. I guess that I make excuses but that's because I feel like there is no way out of it. I could call my grandparents, but my grandmother is going through chemo so I'd feel bad barging in on them. Maybe I could start applying for some jobs online without telling him, that way I wouldn't feel so helpless in leaving. There's just so much to think about.

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Heather
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quote:
what happens in our bedroom is not rape though. I willingly live here and I consent to sex. Yes, sometimes he is too rough because he gets mad at me, but I am the one who laid down with him, right? I have told him "that's too rough" and he doesn't stop.
Here's the thing: you are defining rape, right there. Someone taking out anger on you sexually, and doing things to you when you have asked them to stop IS rape/sexual abuse. Laying down with someone doesn't mean that you then are consenting to everything they want to do in bed. Continuing to get into bed with someone who does sexually abuse you does not mean they are no longer engaging in abuse.

quote:
My boyfriend wont let me work to get my own money so I am at home all the time. I do take classes but like I mentioned previously they are Internet courses so even still I remain here. If I had a job and could tuck some money away somewhere I would feel a lot more confident with leaving. I think I'm going to bring it up again and see what he says. He tries to justify himself saying that we can't afford daycare for my child and therefore I cannot work...but I'd be bringing home more than that. I feel like he just doesn't want me to have anything or do anything on my own. He wants me to rely on him constantly. Having a child, I have no choice...I have to ask him for money sometimes so that I can buy things and sex is how I pay him back.
You're right on the money here. Abusers are ALL about contr5ol. He does NOT want you to have or do anything on your own, because that means he cannot control you. He wants you to have to be dependent on him because that allows him that control and power over you.

A partner should not have a say in whether or not you have a job. Period, end of story. You should not need the permission of a partner to look for or take work. He is not a parent. He is supposed to be a partner. He isn't being one.

All of what's in this thread SO concerns me. I would suggest going to your grandparents as you suggested. Certainly, going through chemo isn't fun, but it's also something the patient also needs help with. It's pretty possible your grandmother would both appreciate some extra help and support and would want you NOT to stay in the situation you're in. Get out first: don't put it off (and I need to tell you that the "escape plans," or lists of what needs be done first before leaving are also textbook abuse victim stuff). Once you're out, in a safe, sound place, then you can look for work.

There is a way out of this; there is. I sympathize in that I know it's hard, especially since it means swallowing pride and having to really face up to all that is wrong and what a mess things are, as well as asking others for help when your self-worth and dignity feels put upon enough as it is, but the longer you wait, the worse it'll get, for you and your kid. I also know it's such a hit to your own self-worth: it all can make you feel so stupid, but understand that you haven't been stupid. Abusive partners are usually very manipulative, and a lot of very smart people have ended up in abusive relationships, in spite of their smarts.

(Per your child, are you getting child support from the child's father? Any sort of public aid? Have you looked into this?)

[ 08-27-2006, 12:49 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]

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Heather
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FYI, the reason I asked about your kid is that one tough thing to face is that when children grow up in abusive environments, that gets set as their version of normal.

Young children have incredibly absorbent minds, even at this age. So, they do start internalizing the models they see, and when what they see is abusive, that makes them more inclined, as they grow, to wind up in those situations themselves later on in THEIR relationships.

So, even if a child isn't being hit or yelled at or confined, when they see YOU/feel the vibe of your relationship and household, in dysfunction, that makes it all the more likely for them to intrpret dysfunction as normal, which is obviously not a good thing.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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One last thing: you may find this link, and the information at the rest of the site (for an organization started by teen women who experienced abuse in relationships) helpful to you:
quote:
http://www.teensagainstabuse.org/index.php?q=understand
.

[ 08-27-2006, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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xneed2knowx
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I had to wait for him to go to bed before I could reply tonight. Even still, I've been sitting here -staring at the screen -unsure of what to say.

I'm surprised by what you said. I hate how you described my own relationship to me...but part of me knows that you're right. How do I swallow that one? I know that our relationship is not good but I never wanted to go there....with those words that you used. It makes it too real. Sometimes it feels better to sugar coat it so that you don't feel it's sting so sharply. If I pretend to be okay to everyone else, then maybe we really are okay.

No, I do not get child support for my child or public aid. I have not looked into it. It's something else that I've tried to avoid. I know it would help but I always tell myself that we will manage and make it on our own.

I hate the thought that my son could be aware of more than I realize. I have to do something. It's easy to talk about doing something but harder to get your feet to move to actually do it. When I clicked the website above I couldn't believe how many things struck a chord with me and my relationship with my boyfriend. I went through the checklist that said if you've checked three or more you are in an "abusive" relationship...I checked almost all of them. Talk about a slap in the face.

I want to call my grandparents but gosh what do I say? I don't know if I could be a benefit to my grandmother at all. What if we were just a bigger hinderance? I guess I could call and just talk to her...and see where that leads us. It just seems impossible because my family has never "talked" about any of the problems we've encountered. When I got pregnant with my son - no one has ever asked me who the father is - not once. They just don't go there, so how can I tell them all of this.

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Heather
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First of all, hugs. Big ones. I hear your second paragraph. NO ONE wants to be in an abusive relationship, and not just per not being abused, but also per not finding oneself even in the place to BE abused, and still there.

A close friend of mine, who has also struggled to get out of an abusive relationship (for a couple years now, sigh), once said to me that she just felt so ridiculous and so ashamed/embarassed. There she was, an educated woman, a woman completely well-versed in what abuse is, a woman capable of getting out, and yet, there she was, feeling entirely trapped all the same, making all the excuses for her partner she knew were textbook, etc.

I'm a proactive person, so I'd suggest the following plan.

1) Talk to your grandparents. I understand that in a family that doesn't discuss anything, that's not going to be at all easy, but perhaps just start with that call and, as you said, see where it leads. I'd suggest being as straightforward as you can, making clear that you're in trouble and need HELP. That the help you need is a temporary living situation, and you're more than happy to help in turn if they want it: per general household things your grandmother may have a hard time doing right now, for instance.

2) Whether or not you can get set up there, check in with your local YWCA. The Y is seriously an awesome org totally about women's advocacy, and their primary focuses of late have been domestic violence and racism. They can help you with a LOT of things: with looking into new living arrangements, with some support and counseling you'll benefit from in recovering from the relationship (and help staying out), with chid support (and daycare if you need it), with finding some work, the works. You can call them at any time -- even before you cal your grandparents if you want -- and ask about any or all of these things.

3) Don't rock the boat in the meantime. I'd not drag heels here, even though I understand the inclination to do so, but I'd also not make your exit any harder than it has to be. So, for instance, don't bother asking this guy about work right now (and like I said, that's a ludicrous situation in the first place: he's not your jailer): that's only going to create more conflict from him, and potentially more abuse. Don't talk about leaving: make your plans privately, and then just GO. Deal with anything that needs be dealt with per resoluation with this AFTER you get out.

4) ANY friends at all you can call right now? If you have a friend you can trust and talk to to lean on during this, and to get some help from along the line, that's going to be a big, big help.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Can I move this to the new abuse support area, needtoknow?)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xneed2knowx
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Yes you can move this thread, sorry.
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Heather
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No need to be sorry, just thought it might be helpful to others. Thanks!

(How you doing today?)

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xneed2knowx
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I've thought all day about what to say and I am at a loss for words. I have come and sat down infront of my computer several times just to answer the simple question (how are you doing today) and I have been unable to do so. So for now, I'd like to just skip over that question because I don't know how to answer it.

No, I don't have any friends that I can talk to. I've moved around a lot in my life and as soon as I'd get to know someone, I'd be leaving again. There are a few that I kept in contact with for a while but since then closed them all out. Their lives were going so well, and they seemed so put together. They were always busy and actually had a life with things going on outside. I guess I was jealous of them. It wasn't hard to let them go. Lonely, yes...hard, no.

I haven't done anything yet to enable our leaving. However, it's been in my mind almost constantly. I feel guilty around him because I have these hidden motives in my head. I feel like I'm betraying him even though logically I know that's ridiculous considering everything. Still, I can't help but feel like that. Sometimes I think my thoughts get too loud that he will even be able to hear those. Tonight wasn't a good night with him. After everything I laid in bed and imagined how things could be out on my own...just my son and myself. I thought of being at home and not having to worry about anything...how that must feel. I am really ready for change.

Thanks for your help and support with everything. You've given me good suggestions, although I don't know how I'd ever muster up the confidence to actually do some of them (walking into the YWCA - face to face with someone, admitting that you need help - I'd drive there and then never get out of the car). I am going to try to call my grandmother today however. I might not mention anything yet. I might just call just to say "hi" to open the communication lines up a little bit. I just need to know where she is at right now - by that I mean healthwise.

I know one day this will just be a memory and not my life anymore.

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xneed2knowx
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rambling...

He makes me keep a picture of him attached to the dashboard in my car. He has it cut down to fit right there. He said leave it there at all times.

He tells me when he wants me to sleep nude. Why? I don't know, but certian nights he demands it.

He gets mad if I don't call him during the day and says that I don't value the relationship. Value?

If I go to the store, he calls me about 20 times literally. If the phone loses signal and doesn't ring (thus sending it to voicemail) -he accuses me of cheating.

He is always wanting to show public displays of affection. I am not into it and try to pull away. If he can tell I'm uncomfortable he takes it even further by grabbing me to make more of a scene. I don't think he does PDA because he loves me - I think it's more of a control issue - showing everyone else that I belong to him.

I could go on...

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xneed2knowx
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It just perplexes me because people have told me how lucky I am to have a guy like him. Someone who isn't afraid to show affection -- am I that blind that I'm taking it all the wrong way?? It just pisses me off when people talk about what a "great" guy he is.
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-Lauren-
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Have you followed any of the plan Miz S detailed above? Calling your grandparents or the YWCA would be a good first step.

Honey, this is a situation that would be far too much even for older women; to bear this burden as a young mom must be beyond exhausting. Help is available to you. This just isn't a healthy, caring enviornment for you or your child to remain in.

You'll have to swallow your pride. You'll have to admit you made a mistake. This same exact thing happens to countless women, sometimes more than once in a lifetime.

quote:
After everything I laid in bed and imagined how things could be out on my own...just my son and myself. I thought of being at home and not having to worry about anything...how that must feel. I am really ready for change.
I am so happy to read that, I really am. That scenario isn't a distant possibility. You can start changing everything now, and get on the road to happiness and control over your own life. It'll be worth it, I promise.

[ 08-30-2006, 11:18 PM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

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Heather
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Affection and obsession are not the same thing. People often make the mistake of thinking that they are.

Affection is your partner giving you a photo of themselves and you putting it on your dsh of your OWN accord, because you want to, and them verbalizing being warmed by that gesture. It's not telling you to do so.

It's loving whatever way you choose to sleep, and expressing charm in your old ratty jammies or your warm skin, whichever YOU prefer to sleep with. Not ordering you sleep a given way as they would like you to, or which sets you up to be at your most vulnerable all the time.

It's appreciating a little mid-day call when you choose to make one, or calling you at the store to just say "I love you," not to make sure you're not having sex with the cashier.

It's PDA to a level you are BOTH comfortable with, and to show YOU affection, not to show ownership of you to others.

The former things above are affection. The latter are control, obsession with control, and abuse.

I'm sorry to hear that some of your friends have and have applied that misunderstanding to you: not having the support of friends in getting out of an abusive relationship makes it that much harder.

This is one area, though, where an org like the Y can be of help, per helping to connect you with other women who WILL get it.

[ 08-31-2006, 01:41 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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xneed2knowx
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I feel like even worse than how it feels to be his I am in my own prison most of all. I could go to the Y but I cant get myself to actually do it. I find myself sitting in the bedroom drinking more and more each day to get through it. Tonight though, I've had nothing which is why my thoughts are coming a mile a minute.

I contacted my grandparents and found out that my grandmothers cancer came back. Sigh [Frown] So I cant go there.

Everything is too complicated. Enough whining though. I've done enough of that - I need to bite the bullet and take the plunge. I can think that logically in my head - but physically it just isn't happening.

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xneed2knowx
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I'm sorry my first sentence doesn't make any sense at all. It should read, "What feels worse than being his, is knowing that I've created my own prison."

Sorry.

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dailicious
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Oh, hon, it is so good to be hearing from you again.

Is there anything we can do for you in terms of helping you make the move to the YWCA or another women's shelter? Are there any addresses or phone numbers I could help you look up locally?

This isn't at all a prison you've created for yourself, either, hon, this is something HE has done entirely to you. You're not at all at fault here for the way he is treating you, and no one here or at any safe space you could go, like the YWCA, would think any differently.

So let us know, we're more than willing to do anything we can to help you, alright?

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xneed2knowx
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Thank you for responding, I really appreciate it. I've stayed away from the boards because I know that I am just throwing stones but not doing anything about it. There is only so much someone can tell me, you know? I do realize that.

The nearest YWCA is about 20 minutes from me. Do you just walk up to the desk and say...well say what? "Hello, I'm in abusive relationship." I don't think I could ever imagine those words coming from my mouth. I can type them - but to actually speak them is terrifying. And then what? Do they help me find somewhere to go with my son? Somewhere safe? It's too much for me to think about. For some reason I imagine shelters as being as low as you can go but really that's where I am at right now. I don't want to have to take my son there, isn't that stupid? I lay awake night after night contemplating my moves and various ways to get out - but they stay in my mind and never become something that I can actually grab hold of.

I'm really trying but I don't know what it's going to take. My grandmother's cancer coming back when they said it would take 2 years to re-occur but it only took 2 months. Fate just seems to keep me where I'm at.

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Heather
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You know, you really COULD just say that at the Y and they'd get it.

But if you don't feel up to that, simply saying that you're living in a situation that isn't safe will also suffice to start. Even "I need help," works. Sometimes, if even those words come out of your mouth to someone you can tell is an okay person, someone who wants to help, saying the rest is easier than it might seem right now.

And they may be able to help you find other options, not just shelters. Plus? Shelters aren't something you need to feel ashamed about neeing: there's no shame in doing whatever you need to do to keep yourself and your son safe, healthy and whole. Ever. Evere never, ever. Hear that? [Smile] Never.

Fate doesn't control us. Often, our circumstances may limit what we can and cannot do, but more times than not, we've got more choices than we know, we just need to find the strength and courage to go find out what those are. I know it can be hard as hell, but it can also -- and often is -- be the very best thing you ever do for yourself, just taking that first step to getting yourself in a better place.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Selkie
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Once you say something that says you need help, you have opened the gate to your entire story. You don't need to tell the entire story at once, what I find alot is once I've created the opening, the start, or the hint of what has happened, it is so much easier for me to come out about the entire story, then to simply blurt it all out at once. Shelters are not as low as you can go, from what it seems shelters would be a HUGE improvement over your current situation. The prision that he has made- it is his fault for making it, you are not at fault for being caught in it. Break out of it, go to the Y, and simply say, I need help. Just telling that to someone who can help you will definatly be the start to improving your life for the better.

--------------------
"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

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xneed2knowx
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Ok. No words are coming to me as I type this reply, so I will just say thank you for responding and will put what you've said into my thoughts.
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xneed2knowx
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You know everytime I open this thread it makes me angry to see all my words up on the screen. It's so embarassing. Each time I scroll down as fast as possible to avoid reading my words anymore than I have to. He would go crazy if he saw what I've told you.

I can go home to my mother. Once I moved out she stopped speaking to me. I'd call her - she'd hang up on me. She always said I left her and will only talk to me if I return home. I don't want to go back to her husband though...my step--ther. I don't like reffering to him as my father at all. He's an alcoholic and the situation there is worse than here. So you can see why I don't really consider that option much.

I love my grandmother so much. When my mom divorced her first husband my grandmother let me live with them for a while and would put a mattress on her bedroom floor so I wouldn't be afraid. My heart is broken that her cancer came back - it's so hard to deal with. She's the only one that ever loved me no matter what. I cant go there and put more of a burden on them than they already are dealing with.

I think maybe I'm stressing out too much. My anxiety has reached a new level. I have - what I think are panic attacks ? every day now. The other day I went into Walmart to pick up some diapers for my son and everything started spinning, my hands started shaking. It looked like all the people were closing in around me, my heart was beating so hard. I dropped the diapers and had to get out of there. That was the only way to fix it was to get out of there as fast as I could. That has been happening so much. Even when I'm driving -- if I stop at a red light and cars come up and stop around me, I start feeling those feelings again. I have to turn the air on full blast and really concentrate on something just to stay present. I cant be in crowded places I feel so suffocated. Maybe this is the beginning of going crazy, wouldn't you say?

For someone who didn't have any words to say 30 minutes ago, I sure talked your head off now.

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Heather
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Please don't be embarrassed. You're not the first person to go through this, and sadly, you'll hardly be the least. And your process is very similar to how these things go. It's really nothing to be ashamed about.

Per your grandmother, I was reminded by another abuse survivor elsewhere this morning how very much survivors are trained to take responsibility for other people. But that's really not okay.

Sounds to me like your grandmother loves you, and that the last thing you'd be is a burden. After all, surely you'd be someone she cares about who is then around to provider her support, as well as someone she cares about in NEED of support who she'd likely want to give support TO.

She may be ill, but she's still a whole, grown person who deserves the respect of making her own choices, no? I get the baggage abuse creates per being schooled to feel that everything that goes wrong is about you, that you're a burden, etc. But that is ALL it is: it is baggage, and it's baggage made by people who WANT you to feel that way so that they don't have to be accountable for themlselves and their actions.

So, I'd strongly suggest giving real thought to talking to your grandmoether. because it sounds to me like right now you could BOTH use one another's care and support.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xneed2knowx
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okay.
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xneed2knowx
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I don't know what to do...what to do with all this time every night. It's nearly 4 AM, I can't sleep anymore. After I get him to bed and can slip away I have so much time to fill. There is only so much you can do online. I can't turn the light on because he will wake up so I sit here - staring at the computer screen waiting for it to do something.

I called my grandmother after I read your post today. It just so happens that it was her birthday so it gave me a perfect excuse to call. She wasn't feeling well and I just couldn't bring myself to start talking about MY problems while she's over there battling cancer. I felt so selfish considering it, sigh. I don't think that option is going to happen. It's not really an option anymore - one I need to scratch off the list.

Anyway, enough whining right. Thank you for listening to me though. Sometimes I feel so alone like no one understands and I have no one to talk to. Literally I am confined to the walls of this place day after day. I have no friends here, no place to go and when I can get out to walmart my anxiety hits me like a ton of bricks. It's been helpful to be able to come here and just talk about some of it, to let it out. So thank you for that.

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xneed2knowx
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I think I might call my mother tomorrow. I don't know why, I just have a feeling that I should call her. THe only thing that makes me not want to go back is my step-father My step-father is an alcoholic, he gets violent when he drinks whiskey which is his drink of choice. He gets scary. He shot my cats infront of me and threw them into his burn pile outside. He shot our dogs once he got tired of them. We never had any pets after that. He always talks sexually to me when my mother wasn't home which scares me so much when he's drunk because I never know if he means what he says. One time I walked into the living room and he was masterbating. He saw me and just kept masterbating and I got scared and ran back to my room because it reminded me of my moms first husband. My first stepfather was the pervert, this one is just the alcoholic so I worry it will turn into both too. I cant help but be afraid of that. He yells at my mother and belittles her. I don't want my son around him either, but I could always just keep us in our bedroom and be left alone. My mother keeps saying she is leaving him but she never does or she takes him back. If she can deal with it, I'm sure I could deal with it all for a while again until I can move out on my own.

I don't want to go back to that, but at least there I would have freedom to come and go as I wanted. At least I wouldn't have to have sex with someone I didn't want to. Maybe I could even find a job and make money so that I can move my son and me out on our own.

I don't know. Do you think that is an option? I think logically no, but then I convince myself that it would be okay.

[ 03-21-2007, 04:17 AM: Message edited by: xneed2knowx ]

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Beppie
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You know, I don't think it will be particularly positive for you or your child to move from one abusive environment into another-- your stepfather sounds like an incredibly horrible person, and there'd be just as much chance of your kid internalising abuse from him as from your partner-- and equally, it will make it harder for you to break that cycle in your own life.

As Heather said to you, talking to your grandmother about staying with her would not have to be a case of you imposing on her-- it would be a matter of the two of you offering each other mutual support-- there are probably loads of ways you could make her life easier, but you won't know unless you at least make the offer. As Heather said, she is an adult, and she can simply tell you it wouldn't work if she's not okay with the idea.

Also, if you're really not comfortable with approaching your grandmother, do NOT forget the option of going to the YWCA. This IS an option for you, and it's an option that would allow you to escape an abusive environment, and break the abusive cycle that you're in. The people at the YWCA could help you finding a job, obtaining some independence, and in creating a positive environment for you and your son.

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