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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Is it abuse or is it me? PLEASE HELP ASAP

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Author Topic: Is it abuse or is it me? PLEASE HELP ASAP
Member # 29681

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I get into fights with my boyfriend all the time. Anytime we fight he tells me that it is my fault. Everyone has commented to me that he talks to me as though I am a 2 year old --even his friends have said this. No matter what I say I cannot argue my way to being right. If I interupt him to tell him he is "replaying" a story (he says he said something and I said something else) wrong, he tells me that I am wrong, he never said that, or I never said that or whatever. And then I get yelled at for interrupting him. But if I am talking and he interupts me he has absolutely no problem with that. Sometimes he makes me feel like I am going crazy because he will say something and then later completely deny it, or deny the fact that I said something I (thought) I knew I said.
It has escalated a few times to where he has pushed me(2), grabbed me(4), dragged me up stairs(1), and spit in my face(3). In 2 and a half years. He also ends up calling me names a lot. He called me a *unt once but he didn't call me it again when I explained that I HATE that name, however I asked him now to call me a *itch anymore but he still calls me that when he gets mad, later he says he wasn't calling me that he was saying I was acting like that.
He has also told me on numerous occasions that I am an "egomaniacle *itch" and that I am selfish and only think of myself. Whenever he physically hurts me he says afterwords, "I'm sorry but you really pissed me off" "I'm sorry that you pushed my buttons, admit it you did you always do" or he just says sorry and when I am still mad he gets mad at me. Any time we get in a fight he tells me it's over and tries to make me leave-- so I get my purse and try to leave and then he forces me to give him my keys. Usually when I still try to leave he starts crying and begging me to stay, if I do leave within 5 minutes he is calling me begging me to come back. I have had to go to my parents a couple times and my mom has heard all of this. Now none of my sisters or my mom think I should be with him, which just makes me feel isolated from them. He also gets mad if I don't leave with him when we're out together but when he doesn't leave at the same time I do he tells me I have to wait up for him and then apologizes (he actually just says he's sorry) until the next day until I slip up and say I am mad because I think he's being a hippocrate... then he forgets about what he did wrong and starts blaming me. The thing is, I DO piss him off a lot. Especially when he's in a bad mood, I'll just keep trying to find out whats wrong and how I can fix it. I also interupt him ALL the time. And I go on the computer when he doesn't want me to or read when he doesn't want me to or bother him when he's busy. And if my friends ask us to go out I purposely ask him in front of them so he will say yes because he doesn't want to look bad. Then he gets mad at me later. He wants me to stop doing a lot of things and I can admit they are "wrong" but I just can't stop--esp. when someone orders me to do it. He also wants me to apologize better... like not just say I'm sorry but, "I'm sorry I ___ I won't ___ again. I was wrong because ____. Next time I will _____." He has said before that I should just do what he says and listen to him and I asked does he want me to be a stepford wife? have no mind of my own? Then he says no and he would never tell me to do something that didn't benefit me and so far he hasn't done that so I just don't know. Does it sound like his fault or mine?

Posts: 6 | From: Chicago | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29681

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I forgot to add that the reason this questions came up was during out fights recently he has started telling me I am abusing him... but I haven't called him names or physically even tried to hurt him.. He says that my interrupting him is a form of abuse and that he is reacting to it. Any time he does anything is basically reacting to me abusing him by interrupting him. But even his mother has told us that she barely ever hears me talk and that he should let me talk more. So it may be both of out faults but I really want to know is it JUST me? Sorry all of this was so long!
Posts: 6 | From: Chicago | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Good grief. It sounds like you found yourself a first-class manipulator, girl. This guy calls you names, treats you like a missbehaved child, spits on you and pushes you around and you think this is your fault? Honey, whether or not you interrupt him when he's speaking doesn't matter one bit. If he's not capable of talking to you in a calm, rational and mature manner and feels instead that he needs to put you down in awful ways, than that is entirely his problem. So what if he feels provoked or disrespected? His reactions are way, way out of bound.

We have a checklist for abusive relationships on this board - why don't you take a look at these statements and see if they apply to your relationship:

Read ths following and if you check two or more on this list, you are in a relationship that is not safe for you.
[] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily
[] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot
[] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers)
[] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down
[] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos)
[] I am afraid to say no to sex
[] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me
[]My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry
[] I am fraid to disagree with my partner
[] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me
[]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault

You know, just reading your post raised all kinds of red flags for me. This relationship sounds surpremely unhealthy. You say that your friends and family don't approve of the guy ... sounds to me like they'll be more than happy to support you if you decide to leave this dude behind. And hon - that's definitely what you should do. Dump this loser.

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Get. Out.

Really there's nothing else to say to you but this.

This is an abuisve partner, and there's NOTHING good to do for yourself but to get as far away from him as you can, as soon as possible. We can talk about how much you've internalized the abuse that's been heaped upon you later, but for now you have just got to get away from this guy, pronto.

Interruping someone is not abuse: dragging them down stairs and spitting in their face IS. If you can't tell the diffrence, all that shows is HOW much you've been abused here.


Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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