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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » non-healthy relationships

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Author Topic: non-healthy relationships
Member # 29292

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Have you guys ever been in a non-healthy relationship ? I'm thinking more about a relationship with a partner who did not respect either you or your bounderies you set.

A partner who pressured you ino doing something you were not ready to do, a partner who made you feel bad about yourself, made you feel guilty or something like that. Or a partner that broke your life or did great damage to yourself. I think you got it. Have you ever been in a relationship that was just not healthy ? And how did it end up ?

I tought we could talk about it here.

[ 07-12-2006, 09:03 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29887

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I was sort of in an unhealthy relationship once. I was friends with this guy, and he had a girlfriend who was a complete lunatic. She was bipolar and had stopped taking her medication. She was also really mean to him and most people in general. He would frequently come to me with complaints about her, and I would do my best to comfort him. Before I knew what was happening he had developed a crush on me. He would always talk about how he wanted to "take care of me" and "heal my wounds" from failed relationships in the past. I naively went along with it because I had never been noticed by someone as good-looking as him, and he was two years older than me. Sure enough his psycho girlfriend found out what was going on and spread all kinds of horrible rumors about me. The guy kept telling me that he was going to break-up with her for me, but he never did. I eventually found out that he had been lying to me, and never even tried to break-up with her. I tried and tried to get out, but the harder I tried the more difficult he made things for me. He tried to pressure me into sexual activities, and he both threated and beat-up several of my guy friends behind my back because he thought that they were "taking me away from him" when I was certainly not his property. He would tell me not to hang out with certain people because they were "bad". He was also perfectly sweet and flirty with me while telling lies about me to his girlfriend behind my back. He apparently didn't have the balls to look bad infront of her. I got very scared and desperatly wanted out of the situation. As soon as the school year ended I sent him an email saying that I was cutting all ties with him, and couldn't handle this anymore. He sent me a few more emails saying that he had broken-up with his girlfriend for real, but I believed none of it and never replied. He's going off to college this Fall and I haven't seen him since graduation. I turned out okay, although my reputation may be forever damaged by the outrageous rumors that his girlfriend spread. I suppose I'll have to wait until the school year starts to find out for sure.

"Only fear the things which have the power to harm" --Dante Aligheri, "Inferno" canto 2

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.

Posts: 136 | From: Roma, Italy | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29206

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One of my ex-boyfriends always pushed boundaries to try to figure out where they were. It wouldn't have been a big problem, but I' very conflict-avoidant and submissive, so he kept hurting me (emotionally) and I kept letting it slide. It was better for both of us that he moved away.

"Cut her down."
"She is a witch!"
"But she's our witch. Cut her down."

Posts: 174 | From: Indiana, USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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Member # 568

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y'know, i thought my relationship was healthy. i thought we were gonna get married and live happily ever after. our families thought the same.

then he got sent to jail to serve time for a felony (that i really don't believe he did, but that's beside the point). THEN i found out he cheated on me. so i went to that jail to break up with him. THEN he begged me to take him back. I didn't, but I was pretty wishy-washy about it.

Now I am trying to extricate myself from the absolutely most unhealthy relationship I could possibly be in. My brain says, "Run!!!" but I'm fighting a lot of strong feelings right now. At least he's locked up and largely inaccessible. Makes the break-up a lot simpler.

I need to reclaim my snowboard, though. All my winter gear is at his house. uggh.

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Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29464

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yeah i didnt realize at the time how unhealthy it was... just cuz i was so shallow (i admit it). i think i knew in the back of my mind how wrong it was, becuz i'd always tell my friends about the negative stuff, i never boasted about the good things. and i knew it wouldn't last.. but i wanted to hold on as long as i could... just because i was shallow. by that i mean... well to be frank, he was VERY attractive, i mean model-hot, Brad Pitt lookalike, great body, just wow.
but he was a drunk. and so it was like dating 2 people. plus he'd go through phases where one week he wanted to be with me 24/7, and then a week later he'd want to forget that i even existed. it was really weird. and emotionally difficult to handle. i put up with his drunken phone calls just because that was the only time he'd ever really talk to me (he was really quiet otherwise), but of course it'd piss me off the next day that he couldn't remember what we talked about, or we'd talk for too long (like 7 hours straight) and he'd reach his limit and start to get angry for no reason and then obviously say things to hurt me - only to say just minutes later that he didn't remember saying them. pissed me off to the extreme and does even moreso in retrospect because i'm angry at myself for having put up with it for so long. and all just because it was a very good physical relationship.
but finally i just couldn't take it anymore, especially since he thought he had all of the control in the relationship, i remember when he brought up the sex situation again (i didn't want to have intercourse with him because i knew we just weren't right for each other, we shouldn't have been dating and really we weren't even compatable as friends, so i wasn't going to give it up to him), so he goes "i'm just going to eventually have to man-up about it and make a decision about us" (whether or not to break things off unless i'll have sex with him) and prior to this convo i'd been planning on breaking up with him but wanted it to be face to face, not over the stupid phone. but i was so pissed off that he would say that, as if i just bow down to him about everything and don't have a mind of my own, it upset me so much that i couldn't wait to break it off with him (because i KNEW he wasn't going to, he'd threatened to before but he to this day still asks if we can get back together, just because of the physical stuff being so good), so i said to him that i couldn't handle it any longer, emotionally i was broken, and in fact i'd woken up on tuesday of that week (it was friday when he called) feeling absolutely single, and it felt good not to have to care about his crap any more (i worded that a little more nicely, haha), and i want that beautiful emptiness back in my life. he likes to think it was a mutual separation, but if he's still calling me - 4 to 5 months after we broke up - about wanting to date me again, obviously he wasn't really going to break up with me, it was just his usual bluff to try to get me to consent to sex. (and this was the guy who was nearly 12 years my senior, so he had power issues)

my current situation is a little weird, though i don't know if i'd consider it completely unhealthy. i do feel very neglected though... which makes things a little more stressful. and while he doesn't exactly push me to do anything he does use the "surprise" tactic, not really giving me time to respond and refuse whatever it is he wants to happen - even though when i have in the past refused something he listens to me. like for instance the other week we were lying together and he just whipped "it" out and asked if i'd at least touch it since i never had before, it made me laugh more than anything, he'd done it once before and i told him no and to zip up his pants, but this time it was so out of the blue and "in the moment" of things that looking back on it i didn't really have time to properly respond and found myself just giving in to make him happy. even though i know he wouldn't have been angry if i'd said no. especially since i don't think it did anything for either of us - he knows i'm inexperienced and well i don't know what the heck i'm doing when it comes to the male anatomy!! but he respects my boundaries to a limit... like eventually he'll want me to lower them if we get really serious, but for now he's fine with it since our relationship is still pretty new.

[ 07-21-2006, 01:59 AM: Message edited by: Shimmer ]

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29912

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I had an unhealthy relationship. He was very controlling, he had to talk to me all the time, and I believe he was depressed. ONCE, I told him I wouldn't be able to call him that evening, and he told me, "if you can't call tonight, just don't call." I, like an idiot called him.

I think he was sexually dysfunctional in some way. He was constantly looking at porn (porn, I've decided, is fine with me, but he thought it was a problem and couldn't stop). I never saw his penis flaccid. He forced himself on me sexually in various ways, most notably in blowjobs and, once, actual sex, which lasted about ten seconds, with no protection (withdrawal, but we all know that's useless). Afterwards, he didn't even bother to try to pleasure me. This was before I paid attention to my menstrual cycles, so I spent what seemed like forever in terror of being pregnant.

After this relationship ended (so he could pursue another girl), I was crushed. Once I finally realized what had happened to me, I became angry and confronted him, he accused me of being "cruel", even if it was true. I told him "oh well". Perhaps I should have used harsher words.

Posts: 70 | From: place | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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