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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Abuse and Rape Survivors (II) (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Abuse and Rape Survivors (II)
mellygirl
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Yes, she knows what happened. Actually, she's the only person who ever knew anything about what was going on. It's not like I gave her details, but she knows how he treated me and I told her about the car "incident" (it makes me feel better to refer to it that way) a couple days after it happened. After I showered a lot. She's also the only person from back home who knew / knows I was pregnant.

I know he's a jerk, and I know he's not going to stop. And she knows it too. It's so hard to be a supportive friend to someone when she's also causing me to relive the worst 17 months of my life. But she doesn't have a supportive family (actually, her parents are rather emotionally abusive), so she doesn't really have anyone else. All her other friends gave up on her when they realized she was stuck in a relationship with a jerk.

She's trying to get out, and I know she will someday. It's just so frustrating right now. I know how manipulative he is... he's impossible to get rid of until he decides to leave. Problem is that then it's hard not to search for the same personality in a new face.

He actually disappeared for a month earlier this year. He was a foster child, so no family. That means no one to file a missing person's report. Except me. Somehow after everything he did, I still want to make sure he's okay.

And thanks for the response. It's nice to hear from someone (other than me trying to convince myself) that it wasn't totally my fault. I guess it's prolly time to have a real conversation with Andrew about what happened too. I did okay with this... not too many tears. Yeah. I need to talk to him next time I see him. He still isn't quite sure why I freaked out so bad the one day.

Question? After forcing intercourse, he flipped me over and had anal sex with me... also, not my choice. Andrew asked me once if I was okay with us trying it. I decided I'd give it a try, but the whole time, all I could remember was the time I couldn't get it to end. Anyways, we had a bad experience and the other day he asked if we could try again sometime. I said I'd think about it, but... I just want to be thinking about being in the present, not the past. I've been able to get over some of the other things that he did to me by just doing them again with someone I WANT to be with... but this doesn't seem to get better. Will it? Really, I need to know if I'm going to be plagued by memories every time I want to be with Andrew.

Thanks for the encouragement. Really. Thank you.

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*Melanny*

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Heather
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It absolutely gets better. I promise: especially when you are as self-aware as you are, and when you are working towards healing like you are.

Sometimes, there are things a given survivior just finds she can't ever do. I, for instance, had injuries from an assault with anal entry which means that for me, even though I'm pretty okay from an emotional end, recpetive anal sex on my part is just something that I don't find pleasure in. But heck, who knows: maybe I wouldn't have anyway. Lots of women who were never assaulted don't.

You best bet with stuff like that is often to just make clear to your partner that it's best to just leave something until you initiate it. Again, even if you hadn't been assaulted, that'd be a good bet. In time, it might be something you're interested in... or it might not. But earnestly, not having interest in one or two sexual activities isn't something that's going to have a big negative impact on your life: pretty much everyone doesn't like everything there is to do, after all.

Per your friend, that is an insanely tough spot for you to be in. It can't help any that you;ve got to feel a pretty good bit of betrayal from a close friend choosing to be with someone who abused and assaulted you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mellygirl
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Thanks for the encouragement. I guess I didn't realize how much I needed that [Smile]

Yeah, Andrew knows now that I ddon't want to try again. I told him to treat that like he treated everything else at the beginning of our relationship, before we'd worked out the kinks in our communication: try it, if I say no, ask me again in 2 weeks. If I say no again 2 weeks later, try again in 2 months. So, I still have a month before there's a chace of anything. But I think I'll be comfortable having this conversation with him beofre that, so I guess I really don't need to worry about it... just how to tell him. Any ideas? (Something better than the only thing I seem to be able to think of, "Hey sweetie, remember how we ran into my ex that one time and I kinda freaked out? Well, that's because he put his penis in my vagina and anus without my consent" ... it prolly doesen't help that I seem to picture this conversation somehow coming up in the grocery store... maybe I'm just hungry) [Big Grin]

I guess I don't feel betrayed by her. They'd gone on like three dates about a year before I hooked up with him (actually, that was before I moved, so I didn't even know either of them when they dated initially). So, yeah. I always sorta wondered if he wanted to be with her more than me... guess I'd been right. It hurts me more, MUCH more, that she is with someone who abuses and has gotten her pregnant more than once (oh, yeah, she had one abortion, but he hit her to end the second pregnancy... great guy.)

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*Melanny*

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Nailo
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As to how to tell him... my experience was that one day, when I had had a flash back and an icky day in front of my boyfriend for the 3rd time, I told him that I needed to tell him something, because he needed to know why I had been pushing away from him for weeks whenever he so much as put a finger on my face. I told him it would shock him, and to please not do anything radical. I just told him the truth; "I was molested by my father when I was little". I told him about when I thought it had happened,why I had never said anything, my mother's reactions, and very importantly, what triggers me feeling like that; I said a lot because I needed to, because I needed to let it out since I had never said it to anyone that way. Of course, this doesn't mean you have to do the same thing. But honestly, I felt much better after I said it, because hiding something that big from the person you trust most just kills you. I cried like I've never cried in my life, and he was almost crying himself, looking at me, keeping his distance. He didn't try interrupting me; remember to tell Andrew not to do so either.

Are you sure you'll be comfortable about the subject about anal sex being brought up so many times if that's a trigger for you? Maybe you should tell him to please not ask that again, so you won't have to be thinking about it. And... grocery store sounds funny, but this is a conversation that you need privacy and time for. It's not something that you can talk about for 5 minutes and that's it, because it's an important and deep rooted issue. Find a time when you're on your own together and have time to talk.

quote:
"Hey sweetie, remember how we ran into my ex that one time and I kinda freaked out? Well, that's because he put his penis in my vagina and anus without my consent"
At least if you're like me, you're not going to say that so calmly, and that's just too crude a way to talk about it, especially in a situation as delicate as yours. You don't need to. By just saying "I was raped" you encompass everything, you don't need to tell him everything that sicko did to you if you don't want to. If he asks what happened and you don't feel like saying it, don't.I hope this helps [Smile] .

Finally...seeing as this guy has already abused 2 girls (that we know of), haven't you considered calling the authorities on him? You said your friend was trying to get out of the relationship... what do you mean?

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

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mellygirl
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Yeah, I realize that it's not the best way to go about it. I just don't quite know how I'm gonna do this, but I'm sure it will go fine. Thank you for the encouragement, and thanks so much for sharing your story too!

No, I can't call the authorities on him. Don't ask me why... I really don't have a good excuse... just couldn't do it. I've tried.

When I said she's trying to get out, I mean she wants to leave him. But he's so manipulative and "smooth" as we like to say, that he gets her back every time she leaves. And nearly every time she's ready to leave him, he notices her aloof-ness and starts sweet-talking her until she melts. Been there. He's really quite hard to get rid of.

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*Melanny*

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Heather
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Well, you reporting him would certainly make it easier for her to get out of. And it'd also mean you did what you could to keep him from doing this to other women.

So, I'd really encourage you to do so. I know it's hard, and I know that it sucks to be responsible, in any way, for someone who victimized and abused you. But reporting not only offers you some more resolution and protection, it helps protect others, including your closest friend.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mellygirl
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I know. I've tried, really I have. I've driven to the station, walked in, said I had a problem, and then excused myself to the bathroom and then my car. Twice. They prolly think I'm a nut job by now. When I called to file the missing person's report for him, I also mentioned that no one should really care where he is, considering how he treats women. But the guy was actually quite mean to me, which is why I didn't actulaly file, and he didn't seem to care when I said that.

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*Melanny*

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Heather
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How about then, bringing your boyfriend with you to file a report?

Honestly, you've got your very best friend right in the spot you were in. Again, I know reporting isn't easy, but lordisa, if for no other reason then to help her not be raped like you were?

Probably too, you feel at least some conflict in this regard since she chose to date someone she knew raped you: honestly, I can't imagine ever doing that, both out of my own safety and out of love for a friend. But maybe you can step up more than she did here?

[ 06-12-2006, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mellygirl
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Andrew's not my "boyfriend". We don't like those terms, and we think that they encompass too much in a relationship that we don't have yet. Anyways, I think I'd need to file it in the same area as it happened? I don't live anywhere near them anymore. I don't know why she can't file it? She actually has been seeing another guy, on and off obviously, for the past couple months. I just wish she'd do it so I don't have to take the trip out there, with Andrew.

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*Melanny*

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Allysa
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Hey All,

The one thing i don't understand about my situation is because I have recently suffered at the hands of a ruthless male who didn't know when enough was enough, the thing that is worrying me is why haven't I reacted to it at all, i feel completely numb towards it, I can't cry, I can't get angry or anything I feel nothing but depressed and shut off.

Is there a right or wrong way to feel after a rape because I feel I should be reacting to what happened more than I am, I mean is shutting off the best way to deal with it or should I just get over it and move on. I honestly don't know how I should be feeling, I feel like i need to cry but everytime I get teary nothing happens.

Is there something wrong with me, or is the fact i am forcing myself not to deal with what happened making my situation a thousand times worse because I am shutting myself off anf blocking out the pain, I mean what happened has hurt me so much i can't explain but am I robbing myself of healing properly because I am being too stubborn to deal with the pain of what he did.

I don't know how to deal with it, I feel I am not strong enough to cope with it properly as I have a tendency to hurt myself when things get to much, am I forcing myself to block it out because I fear I may go to far if i hurt myself.

How should this be affecting me, is being numb my way of coping with it or am I still in shock.

[ 07-23-2006, 10:19 PM: Message edited by: Allysa ]

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Ally

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Nailo
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Allysa: there is NOTHING wrong with you. There is NOTHING wrong with you. There is... ok, I'll stop now, I just can't say it enough. Remember; what happened is NOT your fault.

Not being able to deal with it at first (or even years afterwards) is completely normal and understandable. No one in their right mind will tell you just to "get over it" either. Rape is not something you just "get over". It runs a lot deeper than that. I have an aunt, who is 54 years old, who was abused at the age of 8. There are still days when she feels bad about it (but they are not too frequent). It's something that I don't think can be entirely overcome, but there comes a point in life when it no longer interferes too much. "Just getting over it" is not the right answer, because it just doesn't happen, but gradually, I have faith that you come to accept it as something that will make you a stronger person.

But I don't think shutting yourself down be the answer either. I know its hard, but you can't just forget it. I think of memories of abuse and rape as nuclear waste. You can burry it, and it doesn't smell bad and you can't see it, so people think its ok. But if you leave it too long it rots inside you. I think that if you just shut yourself off, you'll become unfeeling, and/or they'll be days when you'll just explode. I find that talking about it really helps, because if you just have it inside of you with no one else to talk to, it could be so much that you burst, as you've seen in your experiences with self harm. Speaking of which. If you're harming yourself, are you REALLY shutting yourself off? I think you're still in shock and don't want to talk about it to anyone else just yet, and that's perfectly ok too. Although I realize I really must practice more of what I preach here, we have to think that self harm is NOT the solution. We are not to blame for what happened. We have no reason to hate ourselves for it.

I think that in the long run, talking to a trusted person about it, using this web site and/or other support groups, GETTING FAR AWAY FROM YOUR RAPIST, and possibly seeking therapy would be a good idea. You should definitely NOT force yourself to not deal with this, and block out the pain, because chances are it will come back, even if it's years later (as it happened with me). You may not feel strong enough to cope with it now, but trust me, it gets better with time. It's completely ok to feel overwhelmed now, and if you want to give yourself some space and feel sad for a while, that's ok too. Just don't wallow in that sadness, and try not to let this control your life.

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

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Allysa
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Hey,

Yeah but the fact I can't even cry worries me, I feel like I need to so badly but nothing happens, I keep forcing myself not to, I don't know why, I know how bad it gets to block it out and having it come back and bite you in the butt, trust me I know how distuctive I can be towards myself when I get to that stage but I still can't bring myself to accept what happened.

I honestly don't know why I am so scared to do so.

It's heart breaking to know I am doing myself more harm than good but right now I feel I have no other choice, it's either accept the fact that once again I have been taken advantage of and hurt or block it out and try and move on and forget it.
I think right now because I know I am still not over something else that also happened recently that something as big and painful as this will destroy me and possibly destroy my relationship with the one guy I have been able to trust and fall in love with.

I would rather risk myself breaking down than loosing the man I love.

Horrible as it sounds to want to be in love rather than feel better, he makes me feel so safe, I can't risk loosing that too.

It's bad enough I can't even cry it's even worse that I am trying to force myself to stay awake because I am terrified of seeing his face when I close my eyes, I had a nightmare last night and I found out this morning that I was kicking my bf in my sleep and that I hurt him doing so, do you know how bad it made me feel knowing I hurt my bf because I was having a nightmare, It's bad enough I can't sleep properly because of this let alone knowing I do that as well

I love my boyfriend so much and he has been so great during this whole process but if me dealing with what has happened will push me over the edge and potentially push him away I won't risk that, I can't go through this alone, I haven't even told my family about it, so loosing him would mean doing this on my own and I can barely come to terms with it now [Frown]

[ 07-24-2006, 08:54 PM: Message edited by: Allysa ]

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Ally

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Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by Nailo:
I think that in the long run, talking to a trusted person about it, using this web site and/or other support groups, GETTING FAR AWAY FROM YOUR RAPIST, and possibly seeking therapy would be a good idea.

Ally, I really recommend following Nailo's steps.

1.Talking to a trusted person.Your boyfriend or someone else? I know you say: "I would rather risk myself breaking down than loosing the man I love. Horrible as it sounds to want to be in love rather than feel better, he makes me feel so safe, I can't risk loosing that too." I'm not sure if I understand correctly; you haven't told him yet, or you have?

Because he also loves you and wants to help you feel safe, he would want to know to try to help. It's not easy for a partner to deal with, but really crucial to know. Because he notices something is really, really bothering you but doesn't know why or what to do to help. And you need the in-person support; that's what helped me most for dealing with rape.

2. Using this web site and/or other support groups. Definitely, you're already doing that now. Although an in-person group would be best of all. You wouldn't just be getting support yourself, getting reinforcment that it's not your fault, and helping others.

3. Seeking therapyAlso so helpful for dealing with all the understandably hard feelings you're experiencing now. It can be confidential, too.

As Nailo also said, do whatever you can to stay away from your rapist. He's a dangerous predator, not just towards you but others.

You had mentioned being abused by various people over the years. It's harder to recognize abuse after being experiencing it for years, especially realizing it's NOT your fault. How does the future look in terms of moving out, etc.?

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Allysa
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Hey guys,

nar my bf knows, I didn't tell him till a week after it happened mind you but he does know, the guy who did it was an old school friend.

I moved out of home to live with my bf because my abuse started at home and for me going back to where it started really messed around with my head and stuff.

I think the idea of an in-person group sounds really good but i'm still finding it difficult to even get my head around everything, I still don't what i'm feeling, I can't get them across properly as i'm still numb to the fact it's happened, so how can I open up to a group when I can't even open up to myself or my boyfriend.

The whole not my fault bit maybe, but still won't stop me from thinking that it is, I could have said no for going for a walk yet I didn't, i could have done alot more than what I did so yeah no chance of me thinking it wasn't my fault yet.

Not recognizing the abuse is SOO true, to me I just think it's normal for guys to do it, i'm so used to it happening why stop it.

Yes I know what you're reaction will be to that comment but I mean to me a guy cracking onto me is just what they are programmed to do and what I have grown up to expect.

I dunno I just feel strange bout all of this it's so much to take in and quite frankly I don't want to have to, it's bad enough I have to live with the fact I have suffered 12 years of abuse let alone having to deal with the fact I was raped, talking about it now, my heart is racing and I just wanna scream.

Moving out is not a problem as I already have it's the fact that I may have no choice but to move back home as my bf has decided to move out with friends and may have to leave me behind, that is something i'm also not ready to deal with as again i'm still forcing myself to block out everything else.

I am under so much stress lately I feel like I am going to breakdown, honestly it's so confusing, I feel sad yet I can't cry, I feel angry yet I shut myself of, I'm scared of what will happen to me if i'm forced to go home yet I don't know what else I can do.

Please help me, this is going to destroy me soon enough, I can't deal with all of this at once when I am struggling to come to terms with the rape?????

[Frown]

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Ally

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Ecofem
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Ally,

I'm glad to hear that you were able to tell your boyfriend. Rape is a very traumatic experience, so it's understandable you're having trouble processing it yourself/talking about it to your boyfriend. That's where a group of people who know exactly what you're going through can be sometimes even more helpful initially than a loved one.

A therapist could help you process it better. And I'm certainly for the in-person support group: You don't have to say anything, you can just sit there and listen until you feel comfortable enough to talk. If you tell me your city/town/province, I'll look numbers/contacts of local group/s.

We have a right to be able to go on walks with men after consuming alcohol and not have them leave us alone. A man who forces himself on anyone without permission (not consenting doesn't mean you have to kick and scream.) You can take time to realize this; it took me months to realize what my exboyfriend had done was rape. I didn't start processing it until later, which is made the process a lot harder for me. But you've started dealing with it already, so it will get easier over time.

I'm also glad to hear you've gotten out of the bad home situation.

You will get through all of this; you are a strong person, stronger than you realize. You've made it so far already, you can make it. Right now your focus is getting through the day.

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Allysa
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Hey,

I don't see how I am dealing with it at all, it's been almost three weeks and I still can't cry over it, I still have constant nightmares and I still feel shut off from everything and I can barely get through the day without constantly going up and down in my moods, I'm happy one minutes depressed the next, needing to cry one minute, wanting to crawl into a dark hole and die the next, it's crazy.

I live In Launceston, Tasmania, I was going to councelling for a while back after another recent inccident...... you know what Instead of referring to it as that I may as well tell you what happened.

An ex-boyfriend and then friend of mine well was laying next to me cuddling and stuff, now the cuddling I had no problem because usually I am a pretty snuggly person, but when he said the whole ' don't tell anyone about this' I was a tad confused as I didn't see why him hugging me would be a problem, but it was what happened next that I am guessing he didn't want anyone to know, now I was in quite revealing bed clothes a singlet top and short bottoms, so my ex thought it would be great to feel my up, running his hands over my breasts and legs now THAT I do have a problem with, and a few days after that he commented on what he had done with a smart *** comment of ' I just wanted to see if anything had changed' and from then on I went down hill,

After finally being able to get back up on my feet and be ready to get a job and get on with my life he took it away from me in one second, I am now back to the point where I feel I am no where near ready to do anything because of what he did, now as petty as what he did sounds it affected me and still does quite dramtically, and if something as petty and stupid as being felt up ( as I am a customed to guys doing what ever they want to me )
can completely throw out months of hard work how will accepting that I was raped do to me.

Now that is why I am not willing to accept it yet, because I am scared of what it will do to me.

I can't risk going back to how I was 6 months ago, cutting myself in order to feel better, constant panik attacks and basic fear of anything, it's too much to deal with and I refuse to do so, not untill I feel I am strong enough to cope with how it will affect me and right now the fact I asked my bf to hide the razor's and scisscciors ( is that even how you speel it, lol) still tells me I am no where near ready to deal with what it will do to me.

[Mad]

[ 07-25-2006, 08:28 PM: Message edited by: Allysa ]

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Ecofem
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Ally,

I found what seems to be a really good place for you to call:
Sexual Assault Support Service24 Hour Crisis Line:
(03) 6231 1817

http://www.police.tas.gov.au/community/sass
http://www.sass.org.au/

Services in Tasmania
Sexual Assault Support Services
Ph. 6231 1811 (24hr paging service after hours).
Launceston: Ph. (03) 6334-2740.
Nth West: Ph. (03) 6431 9711


SASS provides both phone-based support and connects people to support groups. I think this would be the right starting point for in-person help.

Ally, as horrible as this recent incident was, it is a hurdle in the way to success, not a "go back to start" card. You've made so much progress in the past six months, good for you! Dealing with it with good support won't leave you in a bad place, but help you make more positive steps.

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Allysa
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Thankx heaps ecofem, something funny bout the launceston number, I go there anyway It's Laurel House, mind you I haven't been there for a few months because my councellor was away but yes they are very good there.

Thankx so much for all the numbers and websites you guys have recommended it's been a life saver.

You Guys Rock, Mwah

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Ally

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