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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Rape/Sexual Abuse Support (Page 3)

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Author Topic: Rape/Sexual Abuse Support
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You're going to have to work towards talking about it, and that includes with a partner. It's so important for sexual partners to be aware of any triggers that we have, especially when your trauma is this huge. It's just not an emotionally safe situation to get so close to someone and keep big trauma a big secret.

But hey: even just saying it out loud here is a step, a hard one when you've kept this to yourself for so long, so I hope you can recognize that for the big deal it is.

Obviously, though, starting with a romantic partner when you haven't ever even had family address this would be a pretty enormous leap, and obviously something that would be awfully tough on you.

Children exploring sexual curiosity with one another is not uncommon. It's also not often abuse, though certain conditions (including sexual shame and secrecy in the family) can certainly create trauma for one or both parties. A child mixing violence with that curiosity, however, is exceptionally unusual: it sounds like that boy was incredibly troubled, and unfortunately, it seems to have clearly gone unnoticed and endangered you. And again, your family dismissing and rendering invisible this completely is certainly part of your trauma: likely a very big part.

So, my suggestion is that it's very clear to me that you need someone to work this through with you one-on-one. If you want to toss us a zip code, we can look into some counseling or support options you can explore near you. As well, how well-versed are you when it comes to childhood sexual trauma? I'd be glad to suggest a few books for you to get started with that should also provide help for you in starting to work through this.

I do want to say something, and hope you won't interpret it as a death sentence. healing from childhood sexual trauma often tends to take a good deal of time, and all the more when it was treated like yours was, and never even addressed when it was discovered when you were a child. So, I just want you to be realistic in your expectations about this new relationship: it sounds to me like you've probably got a lot of work ahead of you before you're likely to feel comfortable with sex, so I just want you to be aware that's likely and consider this relationship accordingly, and if it's something you feel like you can handle right now, especially if it is likely to become sexual.

Of course, you're also more than welcome to talk here as much as you like, you'll just likely need a bit more than we can provide alone.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Echinacea
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Alyssa,
I read your entire story and don't be sorry, be proud. You have gone through so much but you are still here! You are going to college. You have a boyfriend who seems genuine. And you have something to look forward to, a life.
You aren't alone in all of this and there are people out there who can help you. Is there a rape crisis center or something along those lines that you can call? Your first step in writing this and speaking to your boyfriend about it is great. And all of us have different ways of dealing with our problems, but you may find it helpful to call a hot line and speak to an anonymous individual and stay anonymous,confidential, yourself.
Be strong and don't ever say you're sorry for expressing yourself *hugs*

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Echinacea
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*breathes* Every time I tell this story it becomes easier and liberating:
When I was ten, (the only reason I know this age is because I know I was 10 in the spring of my 4th grade year when it happened), I was molested (along with my younger sister) by the step-son of my baby sitter (he was about 17). He made it seem like a game and used different manipulative techniques to continue the molesting for several weeks. He wanted me to give him oral sex, but somehow I got out of it, and that was the last time I ever was forced to be with him, because soon after we no long went to my baby sitters house or he wasn't home.
I have never told my family members. I do not remember his face or his name but I can tell you what his hands looked like. The aftermath went simply like this : I blamed myself and continue to sometimes think that it was something I did wrong; when I started to develop breasts I was self-conscious and didn't want anyone to touch my back and know (his words about my "baby boobs getting hard" still ran through my head); I became suicidal in high school because I felt empty and upset with my body; it took me 9 years to tell someone and it happened to be a friend of mine who was concerned about how I reacted to touch, sexual jokes, and relationships; I have yet to be in a relationship because my relations with males have been scarce and each time I was "friends" with a guy he always wanted more, and when I didn't live up to who he wanted me to be or just was not interested I have lost them; I still have trouble initiating or receiving touch and sex disturbs me, the idea of getting that close makes me feel as if someone is squeezing my intestines; and I rarely feel safe to talk about these feelings for fear of sounding like a prude or immature(unless the friend knows my history does this come out).
sideline story: In middle school, I was a social outcast, I guess, because I had few friends and even one guy thought I was mute, ha. When I began to develop, as has been said I wasn't proud of my body, but it was made worse as I got unwanted sexual attention from boys. In high school, a boy in my algebra class made very disturbing sexual motions towards me and one day decided to sit on my desk and feel me up, as he did so I told him to stop. All the while my f***ing teacher (excuse the language but I still can't get over this aspect) did absolutely nothing...he sat there and graded papers. I didn't scream or make a lot of noise because I was too afraid I would be told I was doing something wrong. He did stop before he got his hand to my vagina because I kicked at him, finally, making a stand...I was called a bitch(this word is amazing).
Anyway, although I've got intimacy problems I have begun to work through my issues since last year. After going to a councilor at my school and speaking to a few trusted friends about what happened I have grown a lot. I have a wonderful support network and I love every one of them dearly, two of them are guys [Smile] (one gay and the other a close friend). I also know I have the option of using the Rape Crisis Center where I live. I have also joined a group on campus for outreach, education, and counseling for survivors of relationship abuse.
There are still days where I have flashbacks or feel particularly vulnerable. There are days where I'm unsure whether I was abused and I blame myself and other days where I claim it as abuse. And there are days that I smile knowing that I have come this far and how much there is to look forward to.

[ 03-19-2008, 10:48 PM: Message edited by: Echinacea ]

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"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep balance you must keep moving." Albert Einstein

"The most intimate connections are that of today and tomorrow"-unknown

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orca
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Echinacea, I'm sorry for what happened to you, but I'm very glad that you have been recovering and getting all the help you need. It takes a lot of strength to get that help and that is definitely something to be proud of.

Have you brought up to your conselor the problem of intimacy? It's quite common to have problems becoming intimate with someone after having been sexually abused, but talking it out with a therapist can often help.

It sounds like you have made some great strides in your recovery. If you want to, you are more than welcome to start your own thread either in this section or in the Support Groups section to talk about some of the issues you're facing as you work through them. Or, if you are more comfortable, you can keep posting in this thread. [Smile]

[ 03-19-2008, 11:24 PM: Message edited by: orca ]

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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todaytomorrownever
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I'm new to all this, don't know if this is where i'm meant to right but, im 19 now, everythings starting to get on top of me.
a month ago i went out in the evening for a ***, i normally do when i cant sleep, i go down the road to a little path, when i got there there were three guys there, waiting for me, i didnt realise for awhile but one was my horid ex boyfriend, they didnt say anything, but the two that werent my ex raped me, he just stood there, one stamped me in the ribs and they left me there, i cant tell anyone.
im worried i might be pregnant is it too early to do a test?

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pnyrdr
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[ 06-28-2008, 02:18 AM: Message edited by: pnyrdr ]

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Heather
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Just so you know per reporting, reporting will not mean a lifetime of court dates. In a very involved case with a new offender, at most you'd be talking a few over a year or less. but since what you seem to be saying is that this is a repeat offender, it likely would actually be less complicated than most cases.

Too, understand that most rapists are cowards in many ways. the idea that he'd send all these people after you just isn't all that realistic. Given, any of us might be stalked or harassed at some point,but again, as a repeat offender, you reporting or filing a restraining order would probably get him to back off fast. Someone who has been in jail usually does not want to return.

It also sounds like you need some extra support, like some counseling or a support group. If you let us know your zip code or city in CA, we can probably help connect you with those services. Or, you can ask a local school counselor, doctor or community center about them.

But too? If your friends know you have experienced a date rape and are making light of it, you are completely within your rights to make clear that was a trauma for you, not a joke, and that you need support. You might also make clear it's not a subject for casual conversation. If all else fails, you may simply need to find a circle of friends with greater emotional maturity than the one you're in now.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kes335577
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recently i just told 2 of my close friends about being raped in december. one of them is avoiding me and im so afraid that shell tell some1 and since were going back to school in a week im afraid that every1 will know.

i guess my other friend was trying to be supportive but she kept saying things like thats why its not good to drink. i know its not my fault but i still feel like it is and now she just made me feel even worse. maybe because i knew i shouldnt have been drinking and i shouldnt have gone off alone with this guy and i did it anyway it is my fault. i thought that my friends would be supportive but theyve just made this more difficult for me and made me feel so much worse.

to make matters worse i got really drunk one night and called my ex. i dont know what i said to him because i dont remember that night at all and he wouldnt talk to me. he even erased all the pictures of me that he had up on his facebook so obviously hes really pissed. he ended up txting me to say that i said some "really disturbing things" and should get proffessional help. im afraid that i told him about my rape and attempted suicide. Im so terrified to go back to school and face all these people.

i guess i just need some advice on how to handle going back to school and what to do about all of the people who now know.

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Heather
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Kes: I'm so sorry this is how disclosing went for you.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where people are largely ignorant about rape and rape dynamics, and many folks are also taught -- overtly or covertly -- from a pretty young age to blame victims.

If you chose to drink, what you chose to do was drink. No one takes a drink because they mean to choose to get raped. If you went off alone with your rapist, it's pretty unlikely you went with him with the intent to be raped (even though it's entirely possible he went off with you with the intent of raping you, something he wasn't likely honest about). We rarely can see a rapist or a rape coming in that way. Plenty of people DO know these things, but I'm sorry your friends did not.

Are you up to another chat with your friends telling them how unsupported and vulnerable you feel, and that you need them to have your back?

As far as your ex, you know, sometimes this stuff happens when we're traumatized. Obviously, while it's understandable to get drunk when you're in pain, it is a habit you want to assure you don't get into. Dealing with an alcohol problem AND healing from rape is a lot for one person to deal with. As well, it can create some other things to deal with then, too, as you know.

But I've been there and have that t-short: after a couple different traumas all at once in high school, I made a complete *** out of myself at a party one night and everyone saw. So, for a few weeks, it was awkward, and I was "that crazy girl," and so forth. But one nice thing about high school is that news often gets old fast, particularly if you can do your best to shrug it off as much as possible, have some support in your corner, and see if you can't work up a sense of support for yourself. In other words, you are someone dealing with a trauma, and that often -- for everyone -- means breaking now and then. That won't always happen privately. But that's okay, and it's normal enough: what you're doing right now is working your way through something very hard that you didn't choose for yourself. I don't know if pride is the word I'd use, but similar to that, put some esteem in that, you know?

If people know, people know. I know it sucks and that it only makes you feel more vulnerable than you probably do already, but again, this really should pass. Ask your friends for the kind of support YOU need. Hold your head up high: you're surviving, and that's not something everyone does.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kes335577
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I guess i should talk with my one friend but she just really made me feel like i was wrong and that maybe i wasnt even raped. i wass telling her about it over dinner and talking about how i have nightmares. i said the whole thing was so upsetting that i didnt even want to eat anymore. her response was really? just because of THAT? i feel like this is such a huge deal for me and shes just dismissing it as nothing. even worse she said that i dont even know what happened for sure bc i was drunk and my memory is fuzzy. but its not that fuzzy. i know what happened and i hate that shes making me second guess myself. shes never drank b4, ever, so i guess she thinks that drinking can make u remember things that didnt happen. She even defended the guy by saying that he probably didnt know i didnt want it because he was drunk and stuff. im just so upset because i was finally starting to be like this isnt my fault and the only friend i have right now is telling me that it is. i want to just scream @ her that put his hands around my neck and raped me. i really needed her to be the one to assure me that his wasnt my fault especially because i was a virgin b4.

i dont know if i can face school without someone there for me especially if this gets around because i know ill have to face some pretty bad comments from guys and stuff and shes usually the one i go to with my problems and always is supportive. like 2 years ago i was getting over an eating distorder all by myself and when i told her she was like im so proud of you and impressed that u can work this out and know im always here for u. so now i guess i just wanted to get that same reaction.

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Heather
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Maybe you might ask her what she thinks it's like to be raped. You might also share this page with her: What is rape, and what is it like to be raped?.

As well, you can point out to her that she's just incorrect in her idea that a person will imagine a rape if drinking. In terms of her ideas about that guy and how he didn't know, another page from that series might be helpful: How can men know if someone is giving consent or not?. A lot of people's ideas about what consent to sex, wanting sex, really is are also pretty askew. I'm sorry you've had to deal with them in regard to this, but I'd suggest being as honest as you can with your friend and really just asking her to try and set aside her misconceptions, give value to your actual experience, and give you the kind of support you need, the kind she'd probably want from you were the shoe on the other foot.

It's totally understandable that you feel abandoned by your friend and that you're really worried about school without her support. That is really scary and intimidating. So, I'd also suggest perhaps seeing the school counselor or another teacher you trust when you start school and asking them for any help you might need. It can be good to have someone with authority filled in in advance should you have to deal with any harassment, which they can then help you nip in the bud.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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wythershins
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My husband knows my ex has raped me before. And for the most part, my husband has come a *long* way in the words he uses to talk about this with me. He gets concerned about videos, topics, etc that might make me have a panic attack/flashback/emotional reaction.

But I know that if he found out my ex has once again resurfaced in the area, and more than once harassed me, he would be livid.

Do I allow my ex to pursue his stalking behavior and all the consequences that go along with that, if I choose to stay silent out of fear or grief in dealing with my family's reaction?

Do I let it all happen to me if I know going to the police really doesn't solve anything?

Is all that encouraging my ex? And if it is, what are your suggestions to change this pattern I've been caught in?

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Once you go through something you think will kill you and it doesn’t, every day is like a present.
Elissa B. Terris

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Narwhal
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I'm not really sure if I should be posting in this thread, because I'm not really sure if what happened to me counts as rape or sexual assault or not, but I'm having some trouble dealing with it right now and feeling pretty darn bad. So here goes.

Basically what's bothering me is that I don't feel like I can tell anyone I know. The guy I used to be with had a habit of pressuring me into doing things with him sexually that I didn't feel comfortable with, and if I said no or pushed him away he'd just try again and again until he got his way. On one occasion in particular, he tried to make me have intercourse with him, basically through a combination of coercion, trickery, and manipulation, and he only stopped trying to cram his penis into me after I told him it was hurting too much. The "please stop, please stop" was apparently not enough to convince him.

And there's...kind of an expectation in my community and family that at some point I'll get married. And I DON'T want to be married to someone and have to keep my whole history secret. But I am scared to death of ever telling, either, because realistically, most of the guys who would be potential partners for me come from cultures in which women who have either been sexually active, or even have been raped or sexually assaulted, are often devalued. It's lousy and I think it's wrong, but I don't feel safe telling anyone. I'm too afraid that if I told, they would somehow use the information to hurt me--maybe not even maliciously, maybe just thoughtlessly, but that's a really scary prospect. And I don't have the strength to fight those attitudes, at least not when it's personal. But I ALSO don't feel able to come out and explain, even to my family, what my fears are in that regard. So I'm feeling kind of a dilemma, because the only thing I can really do is to go against the norm and never let anyone know why.

I'm not looking for any help in solving the problem because really, I think I am already doing the only thing about it that I really can. I just want to feel like I'm not dealing with this on my own.

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orca
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Narwhal, I'm so sorry that happened to you. What he did was sexual abuse, was rape. I don't know if you find it helpful to put a name to it, but if you want a name, there it is. What happened does not in any way reflect who you are as a person, nor does it reflect your value as a human being. You are still you, and you are still worthy of love and compassion. You don't have to deal with this on your own either. You've opened up about it here, and that's a huge step.

One of the difficult things with partner rape is that so many people feel afraid to open up about it because of the stigma and because of how some people still view it. In person, it can be hard to find people willing to talk about it, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen to other people. In my last relationship, my boyfriend sexually abused me numerous times. I'm still not able to open up about it in person, but online I've found supportive communities where I can share my experiences and receive (and even give) support from others who have been there, too.

Therapy can be a huge help, but sometimes it is difficult getting to that place where you feel comfortable seeking in person help. It's a goal to work towards, but don't feel like you have to jump into it all at once. How are you feeling about this? Do you think you want to get some in-person therapy? Or would you like some online resources? You're also very welcome to talk about it here if you want. We'd be glad to help you any way we can.

[ 10-04-2008, 06:43 PM: Message edited by: orca ]

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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atm1
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One thing that I've been really amazed by is how some people who were raised in environments that aren't very understanding of survivors issues can actually be really great support. I know it may seem like you'll never be able to confide in anyone, and I know first hand what partner rape and abuse can do to your ability to trust other people, but some people are surprisingly good with these kinds of issues.

All of that said, definitely don't feel pressured to tell anyone around you if you are worried that it could hurt you more. It's something you should only do if/when you are absolutely ready to do it.

And, if you want to keep posting about issues here, you will find plenty of us, myself and orca included, who are also survivors of partner abuse. You are definitely not alone.

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Narwhal
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Thanks, both of you. I do feel a lot better after reading what you've both posted. Every once in a while I just start feeling so awful, it helps to hear some assurance that I'm not crazy [Razz] And it helps a great deal just to get this off my chest.

@orca: I have been seeing a therapist for a few months now after having been hospitalized for depression. I've never opened up to her about the rape; I am sure she'd be able to help, I just haven't felt ready to do that. I might bring it up the next time I see her...but anyway, just being in therapy at all has helped me learn some better ways of managing my feelings. [Smile]

@atm1: It's kind of funny, it hadn't occurred to me that maybe I'm having trouble trusting people precisely because of what happened. Now that you mention it, that does make sense.

@wythershins: I would suggest, first and foremost, that you have a talk with your husband about how he is responding. If you come to him for support and his reaction is to become angry, even if that anger is not directed at you, then it's perfectly natural for that to stress you out more and make you feel unable to discuss this with him. So maybe just start by telling him what kinds of responses from him are helpful. Hopefully that will make it easier for you to let him know that your ex has been around again, and for him to support you if you choose to go to the police. And yes, if your ex has shown up again and has been harassing you, I would encourage you to report him. Take care and I hope things get better for you! <3

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homie
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Could some of you admins get rid of my post please I beg of u its under phyton92 in this thread.

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x to the z

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-Lauren-
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Hei, Homie. We don't typically delete posts because they can be helpful to others in the same situation, especially in support threads like this. However, with survivors we can make exceptions. If you feel distressed about the information you've shared here or feel having it here puts you in danger, please send an email to the staff through the "Contact Us" link at the bottom of this page, and we'll see what we can do.

(And as an additional note, in case you need local resources for dealing with the assault since I see that really wasn't resolved, I've recently moved to Finland and might be able to help you out, though my language skills aren't the best yet.)

[ 10-06-2008, 05:41 AM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

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queenofcarrotflowers
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here is my story...
about a two and a half years ago i became friends with a man eleven years my senior. over time i developed a crush on him, and he encouraged it. i thought he was my best friend and would do anything for him. about two years ago we became friends with benefits, which, at the time, was fine with me.

about a year and a half ago we were together, making out, which i was comfortable with. he got on top of me and took off some of my and his clothes, which I WANTED to be comfortable with, TRIED to be comfortable with, etc. he gave me oral sex and i did not want it. i cried afterwards and he gave some horrible excuse for an apology about "misinterpreting signals" and i thought it was okay. at the time the only problem was that i felt so distanced from someone who had been so close to me, so betrayed.

it took me a long time to realize that it was sexual assault. even though i loved some of our mutual friends dearly, i have cut them out of my life. i don't remember the last time i saw or talked to him. none of my friends know that he assaulted me - at the time of the assault i didn't want to sully their image of him, and now i just want to forget it. i hate him.

i want to tell and often really worry myself about whether or not i should. on one hand, i want to forget about it and pretend it never happened. on the other, all of the mutual friends we had think he is the coolest, nicest, most wonderful person in the world. HE F***ING IS NOT. i feel like if i never told i would be letting him 'get away with it.' i don't know what i would want to happen if i told. does anyone have any advice?? it's just....gah. he sexually assaulted me. i'm the one who has to deal with all this pain and betrayal and the weight of making that kind of a decision, and he is off scot-free and the entire world thinks he is great. i don't know what to do. even though it was so long ago it still makes me feel awful.

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Heather
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While I totally understand the want to just forget it happened, you aren't likely to forget it happened. As time goes on, it's likely to hurt less and less, but forgetting it? Not so much.

Part of healing from any kind of abuse usually involves telling at least someone, preferably someone in-person who can be a support to you. And by all means, if you have to listen to what a great guy someone who assaulted you is, it's going to be mighty hard to heal. (And who the heck is this guy if all his friends are a decade younger than him? Does he also still live in his parent's basement?)

So, is there a friend or two you feel like you can rely on to be supportive?

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UpsetBeauty
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This happened to me about three years ago. I was about 13 and my cousin was about 20-something. Every time i went over to my grandma's house he would touch me inappropriately and forced me to touch him. And he used to touch my chest up to a few months ago. It was all through the clothes but i still feel kinda weird about it. I tried talking to people about it to kinda get it off my chest but it still didn't help me feel any better. I guess I'll live with this feeling for the rest of my life but I'll learn to keep on moving i guess. How do I move past this?
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September
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How supportive have the people been that you've spoken to? Are you able to talk about what happened and your feelings regarding it? Have you considered seeing a counselor to work through what's happened?

What your cousin did is sexual abuse. It's not okay, at all, and it's no wonder you're still affected by this. You likely will start to feel less affected by it as time goes by, and also with the help of professional counseling, but it's not likely to ever go away altogether. You can learn to live with it, though, and to reduce the impact it has on your life.

Do you still have to see this cousin? If you can arrange it, I'd encourage you to stay away from him as much as you can. Having to deal with the abuser on a regular basis just isn't a good thing, and you shouldn't be exposed to that.

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-joey
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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UpsetBeauty
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The people that i spoke to never said anything. My mom on the other hand freaked out. She doesnt want us around each other and i don't want to be around him either. I only see him about once a month and it's for our game night and me and my mom have to act like nothing happened. But it does kinda help to act like that. But i would never go over to my grandma's house until he moves out. I don't feel comfortable over there.
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September
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Have you been able to speak to your mother about it, then? Getting support and help from her? Having a good support system in place is important when you're trying to work through something like abuse. Are there any people in your life where you feel that they'd be able to listen to you without judgment and be there for you? Any trusted adults, good friends, teachers, etc?

Also, while it's tempting to 'act like nothing happened' in regards to abuse, something did happen, and it's usually not a good idea in the long run to push it away and pretend you're fine. This isn't gonna go away on its own, no matter how much you wish it would.

And if your mother knows what happened, can you not get her help in not having to see this guy again? Maybe she can talk to your grandmother about him not coming over anymore, or you can find something else to do that night?

Finally, I think that you'd benefit greatly from therapy. You could either talk to your school counselor about finding you some help (they'll know who to refer you to) or go through your insurance and look for a therapist who has experience working with abuse survivors.

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-joey
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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BeautifulyDestroyed
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I was raped & abused emotionality, mentally and physical by my ex for a year and a half..
I wrote two poems about it that I want to share,
and I really need help dealing with it !!
Heres the Poems ;

NightMares

by NaTashaSwift

I am sitting here alone,
wondering if I can be healed,
wondering if this pain is real,
wondering when it will stop .
I don't exactly remember when it started,
only that it never really stopped,
the pain just became a little clearer,
and i remembered back to the days.
I thought that he was a good guy,
a good person to talk too,
but I was far from right,
he was only a poison.
A poison that went a little deeper,
a poison that controlled my moves,
controlled my mind,
he was supposed to be mine.
I thought about him everyday,
but maybe that wasn't me,
maybe it was the poison thinking,
because I never really knew.
I still remember it clearly,
the first time he ever hit me,
it wasn`t really a HIT,
but more of a slap.
But a slap turned to a punch,
and a punch into a kick,
and before I knew it,
I was always being hit.
But because I was poisoned,
more maybe I was blinded,
I never could see the pain,
I always thought it was okay.
Hitting was one thing,
but when the rape started,
I should`ve known to walk away,
but I never did.
I always thought it would just be one more time,
one more time then it would all end,
but that was far from the truth,
it never really stopped.
I still remember the force of his fist,
and how it felt after I was hit,
and how I felt like I was nothing,
I felt like I was empty.
But rapes are all nothing but a blurr,
because of all the drugs and alcohol,
because all the stuff he put into my drink,
but I still remember the feeling after it.
I remember being afraid of him,
being afraid of being hit,
so I never told a single soul.,
never told anything.
I was under his control,
anything that he said goes,
but it isn't that way anymore,
now I`m my own girl.
I have moved on and away from him,
and yet the pain still seeps in,
nightmares after nightmares,
and feeling nothing but pain.
Why it ever happened I don't know,
what I ever did to deserve it,
I never found out,
but the pain still hurts more then anything.
Scars left upon my soul never to be healed,
I can still hear his voice inside my head,
"Tasha you`re a worthless mistake".
is all he ever said.
I still see his face in my nightmares,
it seems to haunt my sleeping time,
and I still feel the force of his hands,
pushing me and hitting me.
I am all alone with no one to talk too,
no one who could understand,
so I sit here alone on my bed,
and write this poem .


Abuse Is Wrong ; No Matter What !

by NaTashaSwift

Grade eight was when my life changed,
he walked into my life and became my everything,
I was so sure I had found my true love,
but he wasn't even half of that.
Things were great for awhile,
always laughing and smiling together,
I trusted him with my every secret,
and he seemed to listen to my every word.
But it seemed the closer I grew to him,
the further away I fell from everyone else,
until the day when this boy became my everything,
and everything else just disappeared.
I thought that it was okay and that it was good,
but now I see how wrong I was,
he was molding me into who he wanted me to be,
not who I wanted myself too be.
For years I let this boy control my every word,
I believed he was doing it for my own good,
and every time someone would tell me differently,
that friendship would soon end.
This boy had my brainwashed so bad,
that even I couldn't`t see what he was doing,
I thought this was all normal and good,
but it was far from the truth.
What started off as a simple lie,
suddenly changed into him hitting me once,
and once he hit the first time it just never seemed to stop,
I was a prisoner in my own life.
I watched as my friends all went to the movies,
knowing I could never do that,
because I had to spend my every waking minute with him,
I had no time for my friends anymore.
I tried so hard to hid my bruises and my scars,
from the hitting that he did and the cutting I did,
I tried so hard to force a smile everyday,
but things just seemed to be getting worse.
Then one day the hitting changed into a shove,
and a shove into a full out fight,
where I ended up with my head against a brick wall,
and I felt like I was dead inside.
But no one could ever know what he was doing to me,
I couldn't tell a single soul what was going on,
for if anyone found out my secret,
that would be the end of my life.
The days got worse as time went by,
the hitting turned into death threats,
and one day he actually took a knife to my throat,
but I still didn't leave him.
I kept telling myself that things would get better,
but that was far from the truth,
everyday I stayed with him turned into a nightmare,
and it was killing me from the inside out.
Being abused was one thing,
but then the rape started,
with him slipping things into my drink,
or forcing himself on me.
But one day it got outta control,
and he actually video taped the act,
and that video tape destroyed my life,
and it killed me even more inside.
But still I couldn't`t find the strength to leave him,
I told everyone that I loved him and cared,
I protected him and myself,
until the day I just couldn't do it anymore.
I was tired of all the abuse I had gone through,
I was only 15 and my life seemed to be ending,
I had rules about what I could wear and who I could see,
and all of this just didn't seem fair.
I always knew that what he was doing was wrong,
but I never forced myself to leave,
I was far to afraid of what he would do,
what he would say to people.
But then one day another boy walked into my life,
a boy who listened to the story until the end,
a boy who gave me the strength to leave him,
and who gave the strength to be here today.
I learned the hard way that abuse is wrong,
and that no one should ever have to live through it,
and that no matter how much you think you love someone,
you can not put up with the abuse !
The boy that saved me from myself and the other boy,
the boy who gave me the strength ,
today is boyfriend of a year and four months,
and I couldn't`t be happier.
The things that happened all the rape and abuse,
they still haunt my dreams and kill me inside,
but as days go by its easier to deal with,
and one day the pain will all just fade away.
I hope no girl ever has to go through that pain,
no girl ever has to be that afraid of a man,
because men are put on this earth to protect us,
that aren't out here to hurt us !

Posts: 1 | From: Sault Ste Marie | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cocacola276776
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(Edited: When posting here -- especially in this area -- it is really important to be mindful about what you post in terms of triggering other survivors. I'm sorry to have edited your post, but the explicitness of the language in it per our general guidelines, and per triggering, was just too much. You've stated in another post that you are "over it," in terms of assault and do not want any help or support, so I'm uncertain as to why you've made this kind of post again. However, if you do want some help, we need for you to find a way to post about assault in a much less explicit way, please. Thanks. - Heather)

[ 12-17-2008, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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