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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Rape/Sexual Abuse Support (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Rape/Sexual Abuse Support
Heather
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Sorry I didn't have enough time the other night to get in-dpeth, but I'm glad what I could offer helped out with the exam.

It might help you out to realize that our bodies have their own sort of physical memory of any sort of trauma: this is why, for instance, many vaginal assault survivors suffer from vaginismus. So, sure, you knew she was a doctor, but it doesn't make you crazy to still physically respond to certain stimulus negatively when you had traumatic similar stimulus -- or when the stimulus is at a site of trauma -- before. Suffice it to say, it's also perfectly normal when we've been abused and traumatized to have profound issues with trust, even in setting in which we're assured certain levels of safety.

And that is always exponentially hard for abuse victims whose abusers were people most of us are reared to trust most: family or partners.

I'm so glad you had a sensitive healthcare provider who did such a great job managing this for you. And in time, you likely WILL be able to get to know your own mechanisms and WILL likely be able to be the person putting the breaks on. It just tends to take time, and often, also some help from a counseling professional who can aid you in processing your trauma, getting to identify and manage your triggers, as well as working up assertiveness. When we're sexually abused over time, abusers essentially train/school that right out, so there's usually a long process of unlearning that conditioning.

I'd also ask if you've engaged in any sort of abuse counseling or support groups?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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babybear
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I wouldn't say I was raped, so I am not sure if I even have the right to be posting this here, but my ex-boyfriend continued having sex with me on two occasions while I was hysterically crying. He then got angry at me because I "made him feel bad"; yet he didn't stop until he was finished. Whatever this is considered had been really making me feel worthless and disgusted with myself, but I have begun the healing process and am feeling good enough to talk about it.

Just because I agreed to have sex doesn't mean you don't have to stop if I very obviously change my mind.

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Ecofem
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babybear, I'm so sorry to hear this. I definitely would consider this rape. It's certainly not your fault, regardless of whatever he may have said! HE was the "bad" one here, not you. We can talk about this more later, but I just wanted to drop in and show some support. I'm glad you were able to talk about it here. (Is this the recent ex of yours? There was a bunch of other stuff about him that seemed neglectful or even abusive, so the cards match up. I don't mean to make you feel chewed out for going back to him, don't worry about that; it's just good that you're away from him now.) May I ask how you're starting to process this? Have you been talking to friends or a counselor or anyone else? We're here for you. <3
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babybear
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Lena, thank you for replying! Yes, this is the recent ex - the one who dumped me months ago, but I got back with him. Even though I went back to him, your kindness and wise words DID help me.

He was absolutely verbally abusive and in some sort of way, sexually abusive. I have talked to only my very close friend about this and she has helped me A LOT. I also took some time by myself to truly understand exactly what this guy had done. My mother was raped at a very young age and while I know she will be very understanding, I just can't seem to tell her what happened.

I'm upset with myself for letting him do this to me. I mean, I know it's not my fault, but I feel like I could have stopped him continuing on. I am learning from this experience and will NEVER be in a relationship of this sort again. I KNOW I deserve better and I know this was all extremely wrong. This was a very negative part of my life but I will come out from this a stronger woman.

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Ecofem
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It sounds like you have a really good take on this now, babybear-- good for you! [Smile] I've been reading through your post history and thinking about what I'm going to say in a longer reply; a lot of this hits close to home (a relationship I was in six years ago, back in high school) so I can speak from experience as someone who's (now) managed to successfully deal with it for the long-term. I'll get back to you in a bit.
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Alice
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Does anyone else live in consistant fear of it happening again?

Sometimes I'll be up in the middle of the night, getting something to drink or checking the locks on the door, and I'll have this feeling that someone is about to come up behind me. Sometimes I brush it off and go back to bed. Other times I freak out and turn on all the lights. And, of course, there's never anyone there.

Also, occasionally I'll get this irrational feeling of my partner turning into someone who would do something like that to me, very suddenly. Like if I'm laying in bed I'll have urges to find some kind of "weapon" to slide under my pillow, just in case.

I'm curious to hear if anyone feels similar and how you handle stuff like that.

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Heather
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Honesly, I'd say if that fear really is constant -- especially when you're years from your assult(s) -- that the chances are you're not in a safe situation, and you know it.

In other words, if you're pervasively worried that the person you sleep with would do something to you, would sexually assault you, that's a feeling to pay attention to, especially when/if you know there are already otherwise abusive dynamics at play or forming.

Same goes if a home you're in at a given time just never feels safe: I'd interpret that as needing to make some sort of change so that it does, whether that's about who you're living with or where you're living.

Strong, strong fears like this -- based in realities you have known -- are generally rational, in other words, and while they can in part be based in PTSD, they're also usually also based on us simply having become aware of real warning signs.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ecofem
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lemonberry, I agree with Heather. I think that for most (if not all) women fear, or at least possibility, of rape or sexual assault is something always in the back (or front) of women's minds, like in an unknown place or walking around at night.

babybear, still working on a longer reply. But to address one point already:

quote:
I'm upset with myself for letting him do this to me. I mean, I know it's not my fault, but I feel like I could have stopped him continuing on.
This is exactly what makes abusive relationships so hard to recognize and get out of; it truly can (and, unfortunately, does) happen to us strong women who might never expect it. You know that frog and boiling pot analogy? (Er, anectode?) If you throw a frog in a pot of boiling water, it'll jump out right away to safety. But if you put the frog in a pot of lukewarm water and gradually raise the temperature, the frog won't realize it and get cooked.

Maybe it wasn't the best example, to be all frogs and people and what have you, but you get the point. Had he hit you or said something bad on the first date, you would have cut things off right away; instead things happened over time. I think it can be especially difficult to tell the difference between a good and bad (or unhealthy) relationship when it's your first one or the only type of relationship you've had. Or to realize that the sex isn't how it SHOULD be, reciprocal and positive for everyone, and that things should immediately cease as soon as one partner gives even the inkling of such a feeling.

I think another factor in this particular relationship is the difficult relationship you have with your parents; you can get confused to who is a "safe" person in this all because at home things don't seem so great and technically a boyfriend/girlfriend SHOULD be a shoulder to lean on (if in a positive way.)

I'd like to talk about this more but I'd prefer to do so off the message boards, if that's ok (and only if that's ok.) Please let me know either way; if yes, I'll be out of town for a few days so it might take awhile for me to reply. [Smile]

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Alice
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I hadn't thought of my fears being rational, I've always assumed that I'm just crazy. The fear has really started to have a hold on my life, since my son was born it's on the front of my mind pretty consistantly, either me being attacked in front of him, or much worse: him being attacked. Every morning I wake up in "fight" mode, I'm constantly on guard. I hadn't had night terrors since i was about 13, but that's happened many times in the last few months.

Wherever I am, I have an escape plan. Friends and family have (jokingly) complained that they can't hang out with Nolan w/out me staring them down the entire time.

It's been 14 years since my first abuse, and about 4 since the last. I thought I was "over" it. I felt fine while pregnant, and for the first few months but now everything is coming back to me.

You're right, I don't feel safe here. But I haven't felt safe in a house for as long as I can remember, so it's not a new feeling.

After reading everything here, and going back and reading what I've said, I've come to the conclusion that I should probably get some (duh) therapy.

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babybear
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Lena, more and more am I starting to understand why I stayed. You're right - if the situation was abusive right from the start, well, it would not have progressed into anything and I would not be here typing this today. He was my first real relationship; sexual and non-sexual, so it was easy to get sucked into the whole mess. My home life has improved, but during my relationship with that bastard it was far from good, so in a way, I felt like I needed to have him there to lean on whether he was nice about it or not.

I definitely would not mind talking outside of the boards! How would you like to go about this; through this site (private messaging?), e-mail, instant messanger? Anything will be fine.

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Alice
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I have something good to share! Imagine that.

I've had a lot of bad dreams in my life, pretty frequently. I had a night terrors as a kid, and again recently. I've relived every assault many, many times through this. This morning after I woke up way early I went back to sleep (I shouldn't do this, this is when I have the worst dreams) and had the weirdest, most confusing and frightening dream. The whole time I was super dizzy, like I get right before having a seizure. So that wasn't fun.

But near the end, I was lying on a couch and this guy (who looked frighteningly familiar) kept trying to come inside, and I knew he was going to hurt me. This was when I figured out I was dreaming. (I've always been so jealous of people know they're dreaming, that could be so cool)

Anyway, through my dizziness and inability to get up and run, I was yelling at him things like "you can't hurt me - this is a dream - go away!" He would disappear and then reappear and I'd yell at him some more.

I woke up feeling empowered. I know that probably sounds silly to a lot of you, but I think it's because this was the first time I've ever felt in control of this type of situation, in a dream or real life. Yay for me!

But if there was a magic way to make my dreams go away I would do it because they totally suck. Hopefully I'll have more where I feel more empowered rather than a victim.

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nixieGurl
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Thats great lemonberry! I am still working on being in control of my dreams so its really good to hear you are able to do that. [Smile] I hope they dont bother you so much anymore!
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Zsa
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Okay, about three months ago I was raped. And not only that but two of my guy friends was there and didnít help (one of them I had known since before elementary school so I felt extremely betrayed). Earlier that evening before anything happened I was hanging out with my friends drinking at a party. I guess I got a little too drunk (at this point my drinking was more than a little out of hand for a 17-year-old girl, but thatís something that im fixing as well) because from about 11 o'clock at night on my memory is a little hazy. I remember that I got extremely sick. And then someone had me up against the back of a couch. And then I woke up in the morning with my jeans on but my panties were across the room. Not only that but my bra was unhooked with my shirt on. I was sore and bleeding a little bit.
I guess I knew what had happened. But I didnít want to think that it was even a possibility. So I brushed it off.
But then those two guy friends of mine began avoiding me. These were people I hung out with every day and I was extremely close with one of them. I wanted to believe that I had gotten drunk and pissed them off.
Then I finally got one of them to talk to me. And everything I had thought happened was confirmed. After getting drunk to the point of passing out one of their friends had started messing with me. And then he proceeded to rape me.
It took them about two weeks to talk to me. And then it took another two weeks for me to tell my mom. And then even then I didnít want to report it. I did about a week after telling my mom and now an investigation is happening.
I had panic attacks and anxiety problems before this happened and for a while it got really bad. Not only that but I had to drive by his house every day to get to school and most places I wanted to go to. My drinking and drug abuse did as well. I even got to the point that I wanted to kill myself. I had a plan that would have worked had my mother not sent me to the hospital. I felt worthless. I felt like it was my fault because I got that drunk. I tried having sex with guys to make it so that it didnít feel like such a big deal.
But then a good thing is, I think its starting to click in my head that it isnít my fault. Actually this website has been helping. Iíve stopped my substance abuse. And I realize that if I killed myself, I wonít get to see the guy who raped me get his consequences. Im not hooking up with random guys, im looking for someone whom I can have a healthy relationship with. And thanks to my friends, I KNOW that it isnít my fault, they wonít let me even consider the idea around them.
One thing I wanna say to anyone who was raped is report it. Even though it feels like nothing is happening right away, people do care.

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hmm. im fixing things.

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morbidmacabre
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I don't know if what happened to me I would call rape...but I'll put it on here anyway.
Background information: I dated a guy for a few months, I liked him a lot, he cheated on me, I looked for an outlet, and HE was there.
He is a guy...let's call him Vick. Now "Vick" was quite a bit older than me. I was 13, he was 18. He was someone I trusted and someone I talked to about everything. After this other guy broke my heart, I told "Vick" and he started suggesting things that might make me feel better. I didn't really want to but he said it'd make me feel better, so I went along with it. We fooled around for a couple months, until the beginning of my freshman year. By this time, I really wanted to date him but he said it "just wasn't the right time for him." So we continued to fool around and I thought we would get together eventually if I just kept trying to please him.
One day, during my lunch time, I went to the bowling alley/food place and he was there, so I was happy and was just like yayyy and talked to him. After a couple minutes, he took me into the hall and asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. I told him I wasn't sure. He looked a little bummed and I told him that I would try anything for him, even though I wasn't thinking that. I didn't want him to stop liking me. That's exactly what he wanted. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into the handicap accessible bathroom in the hall. I was terrified and told him I didn't want to do it at the very moment. He told me it would be fine. I tried to walk out of the bathroom but he grabbed my hand and pulled me back. I began to cry loudly as he pulled off my pants but quieted down because he started threatening me.
I was completely devastated afterwards and I feel like it was my fault because I "led him on, gave him the notion it was ok," etc.
After that, he stopped talking to me completely and I started getting all depressed. I began cutting: just a little at first and then more. I was hospitalized once for it and my parent's got me a doctor and I went to therapy. Then I developed an eating disorder and was hospitalized for that. Whoopdie doo, more therapy. By then I had picked up smoking cigarettes and doing various other special substances and became very angry. I racked up a number of federal assault and battery offenses, as well as anger management classes.
I moved away (I lived in England at the time) and everything got a little better. I was still cutting, but less frequently and less severely. After a few months, I found a boyfriend who really cared about me, and I kicked most of the bad habits.
However, he's been different since my recent unplanned pregnancy and I'm scared things might go back to the way they were. I really do not want that at all.
But yea, sorry this is so long.

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homie
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Well i have been abused by a friend whos is not a friend anymore for 5years and i thought he was my friend,(iam auctualy crying)because its so hard to let the skeletons out of my closet.My mom was horrified and its was hard to tell her.So the next day we went to the police station and we made a report and they took the dude named "Gordon" the name I hate the most in this life,and they quistaning him but no answer so now its like this he didnt get any kind of fine nothing and he is walking like a free man....So Iam living everyday with the thought that I have brought shame to my family and Iam not sure do i deserve to live I feel dirty everyday for what has happend to me.......

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x to the z

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cool87
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Thanks for sharing your story phyton92. I'm really sorry for what has happened to you. *hugs* It sure is a hard thing to deal with. Have you thought about maybe seeing a counselor about all this ?

I want you to understand though that none of it is your fault.

[ 01-03-2008, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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homie
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Well I have been seeing some counslers but none of them have helped me i have just grown to hate them,All my hate is going out slowly.....But thank god iam not a violent person......

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x to the z

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Cherokee
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I was living in Paris, taking part in a semester abroad, something I had to take out a loan and work my *** off to do. Something my family had told me I couldn't handle because I have bipolar disorder. I was proud of myself, I'd made friends and was exploring the city. Then it happened. My close friends had gone to Barcelona for the weekend. I was feeling sad and lonely when two girls I lived with asked me to go out to a party with them. The party was in a house-style dorm like ours, a main space for dancing/drinking and lots of rooms for hanging out. I had been sitting on someone's bed for about an hour, meeting new people and talking. He (I never got his name) had been in the room just as long but only as an observer. I remember thinking that he was kind of creepy and feeling annoyed that he was staring at me.

Then everything changed very quickly. The girls I was talking to left to go dance and as they left He closed the door after them. He came and sat with me beside the bed and started talking/flirting with me. He put his hand on my thigh and I pushed it away, telling him I wasn't interested. It's strange but I wasn't afraid then. That kind of "flirting" (more sexual harassment) happened to me twice a week in France and I suppose I'd gottten used to it. He tried to kiss me for the second time and I started to get up to leave when he shoved me back against the wall and tried to force me to kiss him. I remember feeling shocked and frozen at first because of the suddenness of it and the pain - as my head had hit the wall pretty hard.

At this point he had grabbed my wrists and was trying to pin me down. I yelled out and tried to fight back, kicking him and trying to free my hands. That's when he let go of my wrists and grabbed my throat instead. He pressed down and told me that I had better shut up or he would kill me. I believed him. I couldn't breathe and the more I panicked the dizzier and weaker I felt. So even though it eats at me now, I did what I thought was best at the time and lay still. I least I would be conscious for it - I wanted that control at least. The rest is excruciating to remember. He raped me with his fingers and then with a wine bottle. He called me names I feel will carry with me forever. I don't remember much except the pain and the blood. He dug his fingernails into my thigh and I still have a scar there.

Then an opportunity came. He grabbed me by the hair and pulled me off the bed. He started to undo his pants and tried to force my head down to his crotch. I just started attacking him. I don't know where I hurt him but he let go and lost his balance and I ran. I ran out the door, down the stairs and (somehow) back to my own room. I remember getting back there and sobbing in the shower. I didn't want it to be real. I didn't want to deal with it so far away from my partner and my friends. I decided to just be grateful that I got away and pretend it never happened.

I came back to Canada with an emotional land mine buried in my chest. I lived in a perpetual state of denial, trying to convince myself that it didn't happen or it didn't "count" for any number of reasons. I pushed it down and when that didn't work I stopped taking my medication and succumbed to insanity. I spent months cycling between mania and depression, the highs and lows coming more and more frequently. It was a time of chaos and confusion for everyone around me. I would hurt myself as much as I could, in any way I could and still a part of me wanted to survive. I ended up going to the hospital, going back on the lithium and most importantly, telling people what happened. There are still days when I don't want to deal with the pain of it. Sometimes I wish that I could keep hiding. Still, talking about it - facing it - means that this one event doesn't control my whole life anymore. I'm taking that control back.

Today I'm going to see a sexual assault counsellor for the first time. I'm scared but I think that if I can talk about it here, I can tell her too.

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Heather
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Good for you, Cherokee! I hope it's a good session.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this, but it sounds like you're taking the steps you need to to heal and move forward.

I really like what you said here:
quote:
Still, talking about it - facing it - means that this one event doesn't control my whole life anymore. I'm taking that control back.

Powerful stuff.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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caz
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I dont know where to start i blame myself for what happened to me and havent been able to tell any one. i was raped in 2006 and i cant stop blaming myself. I was on a night out with all my friends and we ended up getting seperated, i decided to make my way home and thats when it happend.

4 months after the rape i found out i was pregnant and i was gone pst the stage where i could have a termination. I told every1 it was a 1 night stand and they accepted it is the first time i am telling anyone so im sorry if none of this makes any sense.

After my son was born i was diagnosed with bad depression but every one put it down the baby blues, but only i new different my son is 1yr old now and i love him but i cant get the memory out of my head on how he conceived. Agian i am sorry if none of this maked any sense to any1.

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CAJones

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cool87
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It sure does make sense caz, no worries. [Smile]

Thanks for sharing your story with us, I know that's something that can be incredibly hard to do for a rape/abuse survivor. It's never easy so that's something you should definatly feel proud of.

What happened is NOT YOUR FAULT, it is NEVER the victim's fault, it is always only the rapist's fault. That's something that might be hard to believe at this point and that's totally okay, I get that. I just don't want you to feel responsible for what happened to you because none of what happened is your fault honey, I assure you.

May I ask if you are you getting any support/help from a counselor, honey ? If not, is that something you think you'd be interested in doing at this point and that you'd feel ready for ?

[ 01-29-2008, 10:13 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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caz
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no im not geting any support because i dont know how to tell my family/friends what happend!!!

as i blame myself i feel as if i still need to keep quiet about what happend and i feel ashamed in what i have already said im sorry.

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CAJones

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cool87
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Well, seeing a counselor and telling your family and friends about what happened are two different things. You can definatly see a counselor without having to tell your parents and family about what happened or them knowing about it. You really don't have to tell anyone about what happened if you do not feel ready yet at this point to do that.

You said you didn't know how to tell your family and friends what happened. Is this something you'd like to do and feel comfortable to at this point but just don't know of any way to bring it up to them ? If so, I'd be glad to try to offer some help to you if you wanted to.

I'm thinking here that counseling could really benefit you in helping you deal with what happened so that's why I suggested it. But it's definatly your choice to decide whether or not you want to reach for help, that's a decision that no one else can make except yourself. Sometimes it helps to let our feelings out and getting help to help us deal with what we went through, it can help us feel a bit better.

You're welcome to post here as much as you want though. You're not going to be judged for anything that you write here Caz so feel free to let your feelings out if that helps you somehow. It's fine if you prefer to keep quiet too though. [Smile]

[ 01-29-2008, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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caz
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thank you i will think long hard about what u have said i know i shouldnt blame myself but i got all the what ifs going on in my head!!

Thankyou for the support u have given me so far!!

i now its sounds stupid a 28yr old not nowin what to do or say to ppl but im ashamed and feel guilty about what has happend to me [Frown]

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CAJones

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cool87
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Don't blame yourself for blaming yourself about what happened. (sorry if that sentence sounds rather weird [Razz] ). It's not stupid at all to feel guilty and ashamed of what has happened (and seriously don't believe anyone who are going to tell you that cause they can't be more wrong), most abuse survivors have been there also. That's over time, once you get started on dealing with your rape and abuse with the help of a counselor that you'll realize more easily that what happened wasn't your fault. And it's totally okay if you are not there yet. In fact, it's not surprising to hear if you have never been into counseling for your rape and abuse before.

And not knowing what to do or say doesn't make you stupid either honey. It all happen to us once in a while (and we're not stupid because of that) and that has certainly happened to a lot of abuse and rape survivors.

Just take care, okay. And don't be afraid to come back if you need any more help, would like us to help you find a counselor in your area or just need to vent. You're very welcome to do so. [Smile]

[ 01-29-2008, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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caz
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I think i am mainly afraid to let the truth come incase my family will turn there backs on my son. because it took my dad a few months to come around to the idea that it was through a 1nght stand it would kill him if he knew it was through rape. i have even lost all self respect for my self.

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CAJones

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caz
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i hate the way i feel Iv not been to sleep all the questions going on in my head?

Why did i walk home that way?

Why had i been out drinking?

Why didnt i stay to look for my friends?

Why didnt i shout for help louder?

Why didnt i stay in that night?

and last of all what am i going to tell my son about his dad?

i wish i could stop all these feelings but i cant the only thing that is stoping me from doing anything stupid is my son!!!

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September
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Caz, I'd really like to second Cool's suggestion of looking into counseling. It sounds like you really haven't started to work through your rape yet, and talking to a professional can be really helpful for dealing wiht what happened.

There really is no point in going through those 'what ifs'. No matter what you did or didn't do - you did NOT invite that man to rape you. Nothing you did or did not do gave him the right to do that to you. You are not to blame.

If you are worried for your safety (and it sounds like you're really having a very tough time), you should really look into getting help asap. Do you go to school? If so, I'd encourage you to take advantages of any counseling services they might offer. If that's not an option, you should look into finding other counseling in your area (if you're not sure where to start, we can take a look for you, or you can call a local crisis hotline - they'll be able to point out resources to you).

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caz
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thanks for all the advice i have been given i have taken my second step today and told me doctor almost everything, she was really understandin [Smile] my first step was saying partly what had happend to me here.

She has put me on a higher dose of andipressant and hopes that will make me start seeing myself for who i am.

I have been given contact details for a counsellor so hopefully i can get in to see a female 1 soon.

The main concern fro the proffesionals is how i am dealing with my son as he was the result of the rape but to be honest they dont need to worry there as i love being a mum to him whoever his father may be.

sorry to have gone on a bit but thankyou yet again it was nice to know that i coould take the first step here and progress from there

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September
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You're welcome! Glad we could be of help to you. Opening up to your doctor was a very brave thing to do. You should be proud of yourself! [Smile] I hope you can start the process of healing now.

[ 01-30-2008, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: September ]

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Johanna
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caz
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mm 2 and if not for mysake i got to do it will be for my son

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CAJones

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caz
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sorry just realised my last msg made no sence. It is supposed to me 2 and thank you yet again [Roll Eyes] i canc be so dizzy half the time lol

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caz
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Hi all

I went to see my therapist today for my 1st apointment!! God she was real nice didnt tell her everyting at first but as time wne tby i found myself openin up more to her. Thanks for letting me take the first step here

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CAJones

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September
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That sounds like a great start! There is no need to tell the whole story at the first meeting. You're in no hurry, just take your time to build up trust for your therapist and tell her your story as you feel ready. Good luck!

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Johanna
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Hikari
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Hi everyone. I'm new here, and I made an account especially for this thread.

I've never told anyone about my abuse. In fact, it's rather hard to write about, even now. It happened so long ago, and I've blocked out most of the memories, but I just have to tell someone, anyone.

I was abused when I was 5 by a "friend". He was a year older than me, and he was the child of my parents' friends. Every time he would come over, he would make me ditch his sister (who was a year younger than me) and force me into a closet in the guest room. As I mentioned, I don't remember much of what happened, but I remember the color of toothpaste he used to make me lick off (I apologize if that was too much information; to this day I still cannot use the blue colored toothpaste -- it sounds silly and I feel embarrassed and ashamed for even mentioning it.. seriously having doubts about posting this) or the time when he shoved me into a wall and knocked out my teeth when I didn't want him touching me (thankfully they were baby teeth).

Anyway, this went on for a couple of years until his sister dragged our parents into the room to see what was going on in the closet, and he moved away. My parents never acknowledged what went on, nor do they ever discuss it. My family is very religious and conservative and something like this just does not happen, except in the media.

I guess, my reason for posting is to finally admit, albeit anonymously, that I was abused. My second reason is to ask if there is any way to get rid of this "Sex is disgusting, it's dirty, I want no part of it" mentality and move on? I cannot stand it when people touch me or hug me (even family members), and I'm so tired of it. I'm finally in a relationship with a guy that doesn't make me queasy when I think about intimacy, but I don't want to share my story with him (or anyone else) and have him feel sorry for me, nor do I want to scare him off.

I don't know what's triggered these thoughts lately. I thought I had locked them away for good, but something must have triggered them.. and it wasn't toothpaste >.<

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If there's freedom to be had in that clear blue sky,
I wouldn't care if these wings I'm so proud of were torn off.
I began running frantically, aiming for the sky.
I spread my wings and flew away,
and the spot where I fell was... FREEDOM


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