He's definetly not of limited intelligence, this boy.More like exceptionally intelligent, just not in terms of social nuances and the like.
I do feel a bit silly walking away from this relationship, because compared to some of the boys my friends date, and the problems they have, he is truly a saint. Most of my friends think we have a perfect relationship. But what you say does make sense though, and I get frustrated by the controlling aspect of him. The hardest thing is that he is lovely most of the time, and I tell myself "Well, why did you ever think of leaving him?" then the next day, I'm crying and I make up my mind to leave, but by the next day i can't, even though it's getting pretty bad for my self esteem. Argh, some of me just hates to be alone, I think that's contributing to the problem.
Thank you for advising me, It's made a difference to realise that I'm not just being exceptionally picky when it comes to my relationships, and I do know that it's not right what he does, but It's still hard to tear myself away because I've put so much into this relationship. And also because it seemed so perfect for the first 6 months, I keep thinking the potential is there, I must be doing something wrong. My mind is pulled in two directions.( and my heart, which makes it harder) But It's been a learning curve, I think. When I see my boyfriend next we can have a serious talk about our directions.
Posts: 6 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think it's helpful to recognize that if the reality truly was that one given abusive partner was better than any other partner available (which is unlikely so, but let's just play pretend for a minute), then it would STILL be best to choose no romantic relationship at all rather than an abusive one. The best of a group of bad options, with something that IS totally optional and not required for your survival or hapiness, is still not a good option.
I think it's also helpful to bear in mind that when our self-esteem is very low, it's unsurprising that being alone isn't often so great, because, of course, you have to be alone with yourself, without distractions. However, an abusive relationship only makes low self-esteem lower, and/or validates all the bad things one thinks about oneself, so as long as you stay in relationships in which you are controlled and abused, that esteem is not going to get better.
Lastly, most relationships are super-great for the courting period, which is usually stated to be about six months. It takes time to get to know someone intimately, and also time for people to truly get comfortable with each other. For someone abusive or controlling, that often means it takes time for them to feel secure enough (which is really a misnomer, since in many ways, being abusive is about insecurity) in having a hold on the other person to start those behaviours.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Checklist [X] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [X] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot [X] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [X] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [X] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) [X] I am afraid to say no to sex [] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me [X]My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [X] I am fraid to disagree with my partner [X] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me [X]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
........crap.
Suddenly "I accidentally hit you now so when we're married you'll be used to it," doesn't seem so funny anymore.......
posted
So, do you have support to help you get out of this relationship. Tell us if anything is holding you back from leaving your partner. Like are you afraid your partner might harm you if you try to go?
posted
Where are you? We'd like to point you towards resources in your area.
In the meantime, check out these nationwide toll-free hotlines: National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474 National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE Rape Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) 1-800-656-HOPE
posted
Wisconsin. I don't think he'd ever like... chase me down. I don't know. I confessed to him that I've been a part of an internet radio show and he actually took it better than expected. I thought he was going to freak out at me and hurt me... but he brought it up on his own that he's been being mean to me and he feels terrible. We don't live together and only see each other on the weekends. I'll give him 2 weeks and if there is no improvement and I still feel threatened, I'll get out.
Posts: 23 | From: Somewhere | Registered: Apr 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
Plenty of abusers say they feel terrible about what they're doing. However, often that is a manipulation, and pretty much always, even when they earnestly do feel terrible, that still doesn't incline them to stop being abusive.
Just be sure, Tetris, as I mentioned in your other post, to have a solid plan when it comes to getting out, and to not let HIM know you are thinking of leaving.
It sucks to acknowledge, but it's an unfortunate truth that often the most dangerous time for people in abusive relationships is as they are walking out the door to finally go. basically, it shows the person trying so hard to control you that they have failed at doing that, and so that can tend to spark an eruption or escalation of abuse.
So, you want to have a solid plan: know when he'll be gone so you can leave without him being there. have a safe place to stay where we cannot reach or contact you, and be sure not to make contact with him afterwards. Let people who love you know what you're doing, and how to keep you safe, etc.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Another point to note about not indicating to him that you’re planning to leave him is of course that abusers have different faces. If he acted the way that he does now towards you before you started the relationship … chances are you would have never begun dating him. He let you see what he wanted you to see. If he knows, he could very well trick you into thinking that everything’s fine and that he’s changed – just long enough to gain your trust back.
And if you really plan to give him 2 weeks, use that time (especially since you don’t see him during the week) to get a steady escape plan down and you can talk to someone now about your plans so they’re best able to help and protect you. Also, you may want to take some time and try those numbers GumdropGirl linked you to above - they'll be able to help with some suggestions and give you someone to talk to about this to help you become comfortable with the decision.
-------------------- "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon Posts: 3365 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
Checklist [] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot [] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [X] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) [X] I am afraid to say no to sex [] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me []My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [] I am fraid to disagree with my partner [] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me []I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
And just let me add [X]My partner doesn't respect my boundaries if I DO say no to sex
Posts: 14 | From: Spain | Registered: Oct 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
[x] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot [] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) [] I am afraid to say no to sex [] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me []My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [] I am afraid to disagree with my partner [] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me []I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
looks like im ok =]
Posts: 107 | Registered: Aug 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
Just for the record, jealousy and posessiveness really isn't healthy. So while, no, if that's the only issue at hand that sets off a possible abuse light, you likely aren't in an abusive relationship, it still is something you will want to address with your partner and have him work on.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
ive been dating someone for about 4 months now and usually hes so great and sweet to me but all my friends say that hes keeping me from them. And when hes not aroung he gets mad if i hang out with my one guy friend whos a mutual friend of ours bc he thinks he wants to get w me. but most importantly on holloween we went to a party and he wanted to leave early. I wanted to stay but i was his ride. he was drunker than ive ever seen him and got mad. hes so much bigger than me and just picked me up and carried me out while i was hitting him and screeming. i guess every1 thought we were just messing around bc no1 helped me. he said we were gunna hook up but i kept saying no. so he threw me down the apartment stairs and dragged me out to the car but he appologized and said it was bc of the alcohol. so i 4gave him. it nvr happened again. should i b concerned?
Posts: 7 | From: chicago | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
I know she's probably not going to see this reply, but here goes: dude has a problem, and should not EVERY be allowed to drink in excess.
While "alcohol made me do it" is often a bullshit excuse -- most people can still think clearly enough to know, "Do not hit!" They might not have all their motor skills there, and they have absolutely no business operating heavy machinery, they can still do things like add 2 plus 2, and know well enough not to beat up on people or rob banks or whatever.
Whenever ANYONE ever tries to excuse their behavior due to alcohol, the simple solution -- if you choose to give the person another shot -- is to never allow them in a situation where they can binge drink ever again. That way, if they still act like a jackass, then it's definitely not the alcohol -- they're just a jackass! And if they go out of their way do drink even when you try to avoid alcohol, then there's a serious drinking problem afoot, and s/he may need help from AA.
posted
I checked 9 out of those boxes in the checklist...i really didnt know it was this bad. I posted previous threads about this before, but why does it feel SO impossible to get out of an abusive relationship? Other than the fact that i spent a good 2 years with this guy and missed out on alot, i also fell in love with him, put my trust in him (which is now gone) and come back to him EVERYTIME. there have been countless times where i put my hand down and tried standing up for myself and moving on, living a normal life withoout my every move being controlled by somebody. but then thhat nice boyfriend comes back to me..and we talk as if nothing happened when i have been verbally abused more times than i can count. I am literally scard out of my mind if i see an old friend from high school anywere, cuz if he found out we talked he would be so upset. Some weeks he acts like we are totall normal, and i forget everything, until something happens that he doesnt like. Sometimes i dont tell him that i talked to my friends, because he HATES them, but one day i told him i went to lunch with a girlfriend from school and he grabbed my phone deleted her number and said i can never talk to her again. Then a few days later he was taking me to the movies, telling me im beautiful, making me happy? etc, its always a rollercoaster and its becoming more and more difficult to leave him for good.
Posts: 23 | From: us | Registered: Dec 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'm sorry to hear that you are currently in an abusive relationship and are having troubles getting out of it.
May I ask what you might be fearful of if you get out of the relationship ? Is there any reason that you are aware of that makes it difficult for you to leave the relationship ?
For example, are you scared of your partner's reaction ? Are you scared of not finding another partner ? Do you feel as though you don't deserve any better (because if that is the case, then I assure you that this isn't true and that you do deserve better, you do deserve a caring partner), how's your self-esteem ? Are you scared that you won't find a relationship that is any better than that, are you worried you won't have as many good times as you had with this partner, are you scared of missing them ? Is it about other things ?
Thing is, the reason why it might be so hard to get out of an abusive relationship might vary from one person to the next.
Unfortunatly, abusers tend to act the way you described. They'll abuse you and then might do nice things to try to make you forgive them so that you stay in the relationship and that they can continue the abuse on you. Their actions don't come from a good intention though and when they say that they really love you or do things that you might interpretate as them loving you, they generally do not love you for real, they are just tricking your mind. That is just one of the stage of the abuse cycle which is described in more depth in the article I linked you below :
quote: The abuser then quickly defaults into the honeymoon or seduction phase to make up for their behavior. They will probably apologize at this time, may give gifts or be very romantic, and even though they may also still tell the abused person the explosion was that person's fault, not their own, they will generally try and be as nice as they can, and try and gain the sympathy of the person they are abusing.
Have you ever talked to anyone about this relationship, be it a friend, a family member or a counselor ?
I do think that you deserve better than a guy that abuses you, be it sexually, physically or mentally. I do think it would be best for you to leave this relationship which is abusive but I also know how hard this can be. But I'd like you to consider that option, know that this is feasable and that other people have done it before you and were able to, even though it can take some courage and faith. It's not impossible to get out of a relationship, even though this might feel as it is at times. I know you can too, that you don't make an exception.
posted
I have lost all self esteem, so of course im afraid of losing the one person i was with for so long, and afraid of ever finding someone else. Pretty much everything you described fits my current situation, and i am always scared of him he has blown up about so many small things in the past i think i deserve friends and i deserve to do things like talk to other people without his persmission, i have never in my life felt afraid of texting my friend from years ago but now i have to hide them because he doesnt have friends which means i cant either, we both lost all of our friends mainly due to his abusiveness and everyone not wanting us together, but im forbidden to interact with ANYONE and if i do anything to make him uoset, he will take his anger to another level. Example, ripping up my money, breaking my cell phone, ripping up his christmas present i gave him, making ME pay for my own birthday present because he doesnt think i deserve anything.
Posts: 23 | From: us | Registered: Dec 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
sarbear, have you yet told your parents as I suggested in a previous post of yours?
Or told SOMEONE in person, be it your family, any friend you might still have contact with, someone at school or work or some kind of advocacy agency in-person? And have you done so and asked them to help you separate from this person, in very direct ways?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
[x] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot [] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [x] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) [x] I am afraid to say no to sex (rather, sexual acts, since it was actually an online relationship) [x] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me (threatened me with breaking up with me, and killing himself) []My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [x] I am afraid to disagree with my partner (mainly disagreeing to share certain information, he'd tell me I obviously didn't love him enough, said I didn't trust him and he couldn't handle that so he'd have to end the relationship, etc) [] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me [x]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
He also did exactly this: "The abuser then quickly defaults into the honeymoon or seduction phase to make up for their behavior. They will probably apologize at this time, may give gifts or be very romantic, and even though they may also still tell the abused person the explosion was that person's fault, not their own, they will generally try and be as nice as they can, and try and gain the sympathy of the person they are abusing."
My Current Relationship:
[] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot [] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) [] I am afraid to say no to sex [] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me []My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [] I am afraid to disagree with my partner [] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me []I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
**** yeah, my life is so much better now Getting out was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Posts: 1123 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
[x] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily (-He gets mad when I hang around my guy friends, or if a guy starts talking to me he antagonizes me about it, and accuses me of flirting or starting up conversation with the guy
[x] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot (-When he calls he asks many questions about my whereabouts, he always asks who I'm with and what I'm doing, and tells me I should always let him know where I'm at if I go out)
[] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) (No- well he used to before, he would get mad if I wore shorts or tanks to school, because he would think I was trying to impress someone else. He will get antsy if I'm with my guy friends, even though he knows the majority of my friends are guys)
[x] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down (-He has put me down in front of his friends and mine, put me down for my religious beliefs, has shouted during fights and I have shouted back, has called me names during fights and I have called him names as well)
[x] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) (-Photos of me with my guy friends, texts with them, he sometimes takes my phone and starts checking my messages)
[] I am afraid to say no to sex (I'm not afraid, but he's pressured me (like asks again and again and tries to persuade me even if I say no)into doing stuff I don't really want to do)
[] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me
[x]My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry (-He has punched his door, and my dashboard in my car)
[] I am afraid to disagree with my partner
[x] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me (-I wasn't hurt, but he shoved me and I fell back in to the bed after I tried to stop him from cutting his wrists)
[x]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
Ugh! I don't know what to think. I feel like at times he disrespects me but he insists that he doesn't! I don't understand how I've checked off all of these things but when we aren't fighting, he is very caring and shows a lot of love and affection for me. He always says that I don't love him, but say's he's joking afterward. For some reason he thinks its okay to say how hot a girl is in front of me, but if I say that about a guy he gets jealous? He doesn't defend me if one of his friends or family make a crappy remark about me. I used to feel that I was always defending myself and waiting for him, he breaks promises. For example he promised he would stop smoking in front of me because I didn't like it, but did it anyway, and even told me to wait until he finished his cigarette before we went home (I was the one driving, and it was already 4:00 in the morning). Crap like that seems to happen a lot. He tells me that wants me to show him more affection, and by that he means sexual stuff, as if I'm supposed to have the same libido as him or something, and when I tell him that I don't feel like it (and I haven't, to be honest, for a long while) he get's upset, but pretends he isn't. When I don't want to do something he says I kill the mood. I'm afraid if I break up with him he will tell everyone that I never loved him, that I was a liar, that I'm boring, that sex was boring with me, that I never wanted to do it (but we have, many times, just not lately), and I'm pretty sure he won't tell anyone what happened that night when he started cutting him self and shoved me. I am also afraid of him portraying me as the 'the bad one' if I break up with him, because I have broken it off before, we've been off and on, but it seems so much harder since we've gone back together, and a year has passed by. He also sometimes suspects me of cheating, but I have never done that to him! He always forces himself on me, and I always have to push him off, and he complains that I have no sex drive! When I get mad he tells me not to be mad as if he can tell me how to feel? Yet I retaliate, so is it my fault that this goes on because I show my anger? I don't know anymore, I feel like I can't even distinguish right from wrong. Why am I so stupid? Why do keep doing these stupid things? Maybe I'm just doubting myself...I don't know what to do! I almost feel trapped,I think I am so angry and frustrated underneath...but for some reason I keep hoping and waiting, I don't know why!
(I am so sorry for going on this long rant...I guess I just wanted to let it out...)
Posts: 30 | From: United States | Registered: Aug 2006
| IP: Logged |
I'm sorry you're in this situation, and there's no need to apologize for the rant.
I want to stress that this does NOT sound like a safe relationship for you to be in. You've said that you feel trapped, so how can we help you get out?
I'm really worried that he's pushed you physically and does not respect when you say no to sexual activities. Those are huge danger signs, and I strong, strongly encourage you to not be alone with him.
While what he could say after your relationship ends could be hurtful, I believe that the hurt that could come from staying in this relationship could me much more than the hurt that would come from ending it.
Basically, this is clearly someone who has NO respect for you, and you deserve so much better than someone who would treat you like this.
[Edit: I just saw your other thread--it's probably easiest to keep the conversation that you're having with Heather going there instead of adding more here]
posted
For an old relationship: Checklist [x] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot [] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) [x] I am afraid to say no to sex [x] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me [x]My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [x] I am afraid to disagree with my partner [] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me [x]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
I never recognized these behaviors while I was in the relationship, but it doesn't surprise me after the fact. Know that it's possible to get away from this situation.
-------------------- Another Agenda= Another, uh, Jen.
"The difficult we do immediately. The impossible takes a little longer." Posts: 10 | From: Midwest USA | Registered: Apr 2009
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by fox0r: I came across this list, from another topic I was reading, and my Fiance does apply to a good number of these things.
I'm going to copy down this list and give it to him after he gets home, which the things checked.
Some of these are even things I've pointed out to him, such as the way he talks to me sometimes when he's pissed off, and he doe realize he shouldn't be doing them.
I'm going to try to talk to him about this before I end up having to leave him, I do love this guy, and I think he needs help.
He is very easy to anger, yet he wont go to anger management. He doesn't want to see a shrink, he says he doesn't want someone telling him what's right, what's wrong, and how to live his life. I don't know if his mom forced him to go to one when he was younger so now he's put off by them or what, he wont tell me.
But anyway, his dad used to beat his mom. Are things like that hereditary? That'd explain the anger issues he has, or at least where they come from.
He hasn't actually hit me, but he has pulled/pushed me, and I realize that that isn't any better. He's done so twice now, I told him if he does it again then I'm gone.
It's just figuring out how to talk to him about all of this without making him more pissed off. When he gets mad any sense of logic just seems to go out of the window with him.
I don't know how much he seen with his parents, though, as if it were things he witnessed, or what, again he doesn't talk about it but I have no doubt that's part of why he is the way he is today.
And I realize you can't force someone to get help, that they have to want to be helped in order for anything to do any good.
He's very spoiled, he's very used to getting his way. His mom spoils and has spoiled him, his brother, and his sister completely freaking rotten. She's even gotten his sister breast implants, for example, so everything these kids have ever wanted they've gotten. So he does get quite upset when he is given a no to something, be it from me or from his mom these days, the only difference is when I tell him no on something I don't buckle twenty minutes later and give in like she does.
There are also sexual related issues that he's been pissed off about lately, such as him wanting to do oral on me (I'm his first EVERYTHING. He's 24 for the record, I'm 23. Both of our birthdays are next month. We've been together about a year) and it's not something I care for, I don't really enjoy it, and my self confidence is not the best either, and I've explained all of this to him. He let the issue go for a good number of months but now he's brought it back up, and is quite upset that he isn't getting his way.
I've told him again that he can't force me to do it, to leave it alone and I'll let him do it when I'm ready, but this isn't good enough for him apparently.
And I'm rambling! He should be hom ebetween 5:30-6pm, so any advice I can get in to be able to talk to him better when he does get home would be great.
Thanks.
I know it's been a long time, but I just wanted to post an update.
The guy did eventually get into therapy mid 2008, unfortunately it didn't help him, so he obviously didn't want it to. He ignored any of the therapists advice on 'activities' he should stop doing. He did at least take his medication, however before mentioned activities basically canceled out what the meds were supposed to be doing.
He did improve slightly, and keep it up for about a month, month and a half before he started drastically declining again.
In October of 2008 we had gotten into an argument about such 'activities' again, but eventually resolved the situation... It left a sour taste in my mouth. This was on a Sunday.
That Monday morning I was woken up to him groping one of my boobs while I was sleeping -- Groping isn't really the right word, he was just sort of holding it/resting his hand on it.. but whatever. Point of the matter is I had told him several times not to do this in the past. I asked him VERY nicely to remove his hand.. and he did.
Only to replace it maybe ten minutes later. I asked him NICELY again and he just snapped... like bipolar snapped. Went off on me, got me all upset, continued to go off, took my cellphone while telling me to call my mom and to go home.. that he was going to have to stay home now so I didn't 'steal his stuff' (I later found out that he did say I stole his stuff -- I got out with my pets, my clothes, and a few other random things of -mine-. He's lucky I didn't gank his XBOX 360 elite that I had money in!) and so on so forth.
This is the straw that broke the camels back for me, so to speak. I eventually got him calmed down enough to give me my phone and to go to work after promising that I wasn't going to go home.
I lied.
I took a bit of a nap, because I was dog *** tired and my mom wasn't awake yet, and phoned her to come get me after I woke up.
Unfortunately I had to leave a bunch of my crap there because it wouldn't fit in the car. The only thing I regret is leaving my bag of art supplies, there went like.. 300 dollars down the drain that I haven't been able to afford to replace, it had been years of collecting!
Currently I am dating the sweetest, nicest guy I have ever met. I keep telling him he's such a sweetie pie because he was raised by all females lol. He is fantastic.. And the best perk of all -- He lives 3 blocks from me! haha
Posts: 79 | From: USA | Registered: May 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
This checklist is helpful. My ex-boyfriend was so controlling, I wish I'd seen this when I was with him. It took me much too long to realize it.
I never really considered the relationship dangerous until I was out of it and with someone who treats me well.
Posts: 2 | From: VT | Registered: Jul 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
Checklist (on my ex) [X] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down ... It's not a put down if it's true. [X] I am afraid to say no to sex ... Well I shouldn't. It's my job to please him. [X] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me [X]My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry ... but it's okay, cuz what belongs to me also belongs to him [X] I am afraid to disagree with my partner ... I should agree with him, my opinion is wrong. I'm a girl. [X] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me ... He also walked up to my friend (we were in my room) who was sitting against the door, and, without even asking her to move, kicked her in the stomach, and said, "I need to pee." [X]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault ... It is, if he's angry with something I did, then it's my fault that he's angry.
These are the 'values' that were instilled in me when I was with this ***. (That a woman's only purpose is to please a man, if he's angry it's her fault, that she's not worth anything without him, that he can hurt her and her friends.) I no longer believe this. I am now sure of myself as a person and a woman.
-------------------- Don't try to feed me "the truth." Just give me the facts and I can figure out the truth for myself.
Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can SURVIVE. Posts: 18 | From: Western Washington | Registered: Dec 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Gumdrop Girl: [QB]
Read ths following and if you check two or more on this list, you are in a relationship that is not safe for you. Checklist [x] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot [] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [x] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) [] I am afraid to say no to sex [] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me []My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [x] I am fraid to disagree with my partner [x] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me [x]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
I don't know how to feel about this. Our relationship feels like a huge power struggle but I love her to death. She's been my best friend for a couple years and we can't seem to live without each other.
Posts: 12 | From: CA | Registered: Aug 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
[Hey Insanity, I addressed this over here, where other volunteers and I can talk to you about it more... or here if you'd prefer. ]
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
| IP: Logged |
-------------------- Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
Oh, I just went through it after FigNewton commented on my (not sexual, not romantic) relationship with a certain teacher. Fig mentioned that it sounded like him like an abusive relationship, so I decided to see if this applied...
Checklist [] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [x] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot (Minus the following around) [x] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [x] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [?] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos)...I try to hide stuff that would make him angry, but more like unfinished homework assignments [n/a] I am afraid to say no to sex [] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me []My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [x] I am fraid to disagree with my partner [] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me [x]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault(Well, sometimes it is...)
So... It's an abusive relationship according to this list... And according to Fig.
But... generally teacher/student stuff has a different power dynamic than a romantic/sexual/etc relationship... so... I don't know.
Posts: 116 | From: SL | Registered: Mar 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
Even though you're right that teacher/student relationships have a different power dynamic to romantic ones, this does sound like it's an abusive relationship. Your teacher shouldn't be trying to control who you spend time with, and they absolutely shouldn't shout at you and call you names.
Have you reported this to your principal or other school authority yet? If not, that's a good idea, because they definitely should be aware of how this teacher is treating you.
Posts: 1123 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
I've told my councilor, but not to much extent... =/ The unfortunate thing is that this teacher is an absolutely brilliant man and if he were to leave, our school would suffer incredibly from the loss.
(We only have about 5-10 teachers, I don't know how many new ones there are this year, and our school is just barely starting out... he's one of the better teachers... knowledge wise, not behavior wise.)
... And I'm afraid if I told on him, rumor would spread that I did... our school is very small... and I'd be ostracized. My friends might understand, but most students admire him and worship him with Godlike reverence... and fear his wrath as though they've been smited by heaven.
I'm only slightly exaggerating.
Also, if he were to find out that I had told on him, I'm fearful that my grade and class status, which are already very low in his classes, would sink to unforeseen depths.
Posts: 116 | From: SL | Registered: Mar 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hm, I'm sorry to hear you're being put in this situation. For now, have you tried switching out of the class? You wouldn't even necessarily have to do it yourself -- you could get a parent/guardian to request you be switched out. You could also try discussing it with your counselor more, if they're your school counselor they may also have the authority to request a change in your schedule so you get switched out of this teacher's class.
posted
I could. School doesn't start until next week. But I've got 3 classes with him, and I have a feeling it'd be hard to switch out of three classes. I'm pretty sure my councilor would kill me.
Posts: 116 | From: SL | Registered: Mar 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
That certainly is a hard situation, having three classes with him... still, I suggest you talk to your counselor more fully about it so that they can understand the situation and hopefully would help you rearrange your schedule.
Posts: 1123 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'll definitely try. If all else fails, I'll at least be switching out of one of them at the semester. Unfortunately to have to wait that long, but they charge a pretty nasty fee for changing your schedule.
Posts: 116 | From: SL | Registered: Mar 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'm sorry to hear that. Good luck, I really hope it works out for you! You don't deserve to be treated like that, nobody does Posts: 1123 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
Thanks so much for your support and advice! And, yeah, I hope it works out too. It's not so much fun being guilt tripped and leaving class in tears 2/3 of the week. =/
Posts: 116 | From: SL | Registered: Mar 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
hugs for you! I imagine not. If you ever want to talk about it more, even just to vent some frustration, we're here for ya Posts: 1123 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
What consitutes "yelling"? I know no one who hasn't raised their voice when angry.
I think the "yelling", and "calls me names, puts me down (deliberate snide/hurtful remarks)" should be two seperate boxes.
Posts: 2 | From: Earth | Registered: Jul 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
When we're talking about abusive behaviors, we're generally talking about things which are ongoing or frequent.
So, for instance, someone getting angry and yelling once, then taking responsibility for that and making an effort to talk calmly? Probably not an abuse.
Someone yelling often, never taking responsibility, blaming the other person, and not making efforts to learn better ways of communicating when angry? Likely to be an abuse dynamic.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
[x] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot [x] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [x] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) [x] I am afraid to say no to sex [] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me [x]My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [] I am fraid to disagree with my partner [] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me [x]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
My ex-boyfriend exhibited the above behaviors. He punched a hole in the wall above my head once when he was angry at me, and called me a slut after we had sex the first time (against my will). It is so easy to convince yourself that the person you are with loves you and that you can change them. But the truth of the matter is that you can't. He ended up cheating on me and breaking up with me, but I am still glad that I saw this. After a long history with him, and now being able to recognize the abusive behaviors that he exhibited I hope I am better prepared to avoid a similar relationship in the future.
Posts: 4 | From: United States | Registered: Mar 2012
| IP: Logged |
posted
I know at times our relationship has been unhealthy. At times, I can check 7 of those things but I know I am guilty of at least 3 of those things. We also have the added complication of him having a mental illness. When he is on his medication, we have none of these things so I would like to believe that with time and therapy he can gain control over his feelings or at least his reactions. My friends think I should leave him and I understand but they don't know how perfect he is 99% of the time and that he has struggled with this his whole life and only began to receive treatment within the last 6 months. I am wondering what the stats are for abusive relationships when the partner actually goes to get help and sticks with it?
posted
Bea, in the context of your other post, I am concerned to hear that your partner exhibits potentially abusive traits. Do you want to talk some more about the dynamics in your relationship?
-------------------- -joey Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 8424 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well, for starters, can you go ahead and fill out the checklist for us so we know which of the abusive behaviors your partner engages in? And maybe you can tell us how they manifest in your relationship.
-------------------- -joey Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 8424 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
| IP: Logged |
Copyright 1998, 2013 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Getting out was the best thing that ever happened to me.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
]
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic