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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » best friends or girlfriends or something else??

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Author Topic: best friends or girlfriends or something else??
Elaphaia
Neophyte
Member # 110772

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So I'm in a really weird place with one of my best friends. (I'm a girl, and my friend uses they/them pronouns.) We started hooking up occasionally a few months ago, and it was a little weird at first. But now we have sex a lot whenever we see each other, we hold hands and cuddle all the time and spoon and kiss each other in public and say I Love You, and we're extremely emotionally close and intimate as well - much more so than I am with my other best friends. But, we've decided that we don't want to date each other or be exclusive or anything like that. I'm really happy with what we have and I love them a lot, but it's confusing! We're not girlfriends or Just Friends or friends with benefits or any of those things, so what are we?

What I'm wondering: Is there a name for this kind of relationship? How can I describe what we have to other people? Is anyone else in this kind of relationship? Is this romantic or platonic, and what is even the difference between those two? Is this "normal" or common at all?

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Onionpie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 41699

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Hi Elaphaia, welcome to Scarleteen! Unfortunately, there's only so much any of us here can help you with, because really the only people who can tell you what this relationship is, are you and your partner. It sounds like you feel romantic (and sexual) attraction to this partner, and it sounds like they share at least some of that with you, so it sounds like this doesn't fall into the category of "platonic". But other than that, what this relationship is and what it means to the two of you is entirely up to you!

I think you would really benefit from talking candidly about this with your partner. Since you're saying you're confused about where exactly they stand on what this relationship is, and you're unsure about what the boundaries are for the relationship and maybe also what your partner is looking for/expecting from this relationship, that is really something that can and should be discussed with the other person involved in the relationship! Have you had any conversations so far with your partner about what kind of relationship each of you are looking for and where you see this one going? Do you feel like that's a conversation you will be able to initiate?

We have a great couple of articles about having these sorts of conversations:
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

Also, humans are really so diverse that talking about what is "normal" is kind of impossible. There's so much variation between our experiences and relationships, that "normal" doesn't really even matter when it comes to our OWN experiences, you know? What matters more is that it's a relationship that suits both of you, makes both of you happy, and fulfills what you need in a relationship. If it does all of those things, then it is an AWESOME relationship no matter what it's called or how "normal" it is, or whatever! [Big Grin]

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
OhImpecuniousOne
Activist
Member # 110155

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Bear in mind that you can be girlfriends - if that's a label that appeals to you both - without being exclusive: lots of people prefer polyamorous relationships, in which those involved can date other people if they wish. If that sounds like you, then it's definitely a good idea to talk to them about it - so you can both talk about what you are and aren't okay with (Do you want to be told if your partner starts dating someone new? Do you want to meet the new person? Do you require that they practise safer sex with others, and with you?), in order to avoid one of you accidentally hurting the other somewhere down the line. [Smile]
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acb
Activist
Member # 108645

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I feel like there's two different questions that you're asking here - one of them is what your relationship is (romantic, platonic, exclusive whatever) and what you should call it.

When it comes to what your relationship is and what boundaries you and your girlfriend/ friend want, then as Onionpie said, only you two can decide that!

If you're happy with all the boundaries etc. and have discussed them but what you're wondering is how to explain it to other people well... only you two can decide how to do that too [Razz] . But it might be an idea to discuss what labels or explanations feel good for the two of you. For example, even though I'm in an exclusive relationship which fits with most of what you'd expect from the label of being someone's 'boyfriend/ girlfriend', I really dislike the words boyfriend and girlfriend - I don't even know why! My partner isn't keen on them either, so we usually refer to each other using 'partner'. Perhaps you and your girlfriend/ friend could sit down and run through some possible options, or if nothing still seems to fit you could just explain when they come up in conversation, 'Oh, I went to the cinema with Alex - Alex and I are really close physically and emotionally, but we're not in an exclusive relationship - to see X-Men' and then refer to them by their name.

Those are just things that have worked for me when I haven't been sure what name to put on a relationship model. [Smile]

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Skeleton
Neophyte
Member # 110874

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I like the term "lovers" for ambiguous cases
Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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