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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Insecurities are getting the best of me

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Author Topic: Insecurities are getting the best of me
Pennypanda
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I started dating this guy, it's our 5th date, he's really sweet and funny and I like him. But lately I found out he has a bit of a past with girls... He said freshman year he was a "man whore". I told him he didn't have to talk about it if he didn't want to. But he continued to explain...I don't know what to do...I am scared, I have little experience, I'm a virgin and I'm afraid I won't be good enough for him. Or that my body won't look as good as those other girls he was with. I already have a difficult time trusting...but he said he wouldn't cheat on me, and he said that experience didn't matter, that he was here for me not my body. And that should be enough to calm my worries, but I'm a worry wort, so please help
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OhImpecuniousOne
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I think this might be a really good read for you: Managing Vulnerability & Sexual Insecurity

I don't really have much to add to what's already in there, honestly - it covers pretty much everything! It's great that you've been able to talk to him about your worries - being able to be open and honest like that is one of the things which makes a big difference in having a good relationship, both romantic and sexual. And it's also great that he was comfortable talking about your worries... and even better, that he knows that sex isn't a videogame where you automatically level up every 10 times you do something. [Razz]

I think, honestly, that the thing which will best calm your worries is to trust your boyfriend and take him at his word. I know that's not something you can just decide to start doing, though, if it's not already coming naturally. [Smile] Do you think it would help to take sex off the table for a while, so you can cultivate some more intimacy and trust with him without feeling like The Sex is looming over you?

You might also want to have a look at:
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
First Intercourse 101

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Pennypanda
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Yeah, thanks I guess I could do that, but how?
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Pennypanda
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Yeah, thanks I guess I could do that, but how?
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Pennypanda
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Also, most of my problem is my own insecurities, how do I take care of that?
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Sam W
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If you haven't I would start by reading the articles linked above and seeing if anything jumps out at you.

I think one thing that might be helpful for you to keep in mind is that, even if this guy has been sexual with other people? This is his first time being sexual with you, just like it's your first time with him. It will be a learning experience for both of you. It sounds like he already is at this point, which is a good sign. So I think it might help you to take a look at what your insecurities are attached to (you body, not being sure what you're comfortable with in a sexual context, etc) and then start looking for resources that can help you re-frame how you think about yourself and your experiences. Does that make sense?

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Pennypanda
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Yes, thank you
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Were you also able to read that first link Sam gave you? There are some how's right in there. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pennypanda
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I didn't see any links from Sam
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Sam's first response to you contained several links: one right at the top, and then a couple at the bottom.

Links here are a different color than unlinked text: words in a reddish-pink are active links.

The link I was referring to was the one she posted up top, titled " Managing Vulnerability & Sexual Insecurity." It's linked right there within that text, but here is that link for you again: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/managing_vulnerability_sexual_insecurity

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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My mistake! That post was from OhImpecuniousOne.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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OhImpecuniousOne
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I do sometimes wonder if it'd be easier if links were more purple, like the IP: Logged link is. They don't always stand out a huge amount from the black text. Or maybe I need to recalibrate my screen. [Wink]
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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We can certainly change them if folks are having an issue with seeing them (though I feel like a lead like "here's something you should read" followed by a colon and a title makes clear it's a link, so I'm guessing that wasn't the issue, but still).

This hasn't come up before or been something I've yet to hear any users mention as a problem for them, but if it is an issue now, or with some users now, it's fast and easy to swap to something else.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pennypanda
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Sorry for the misunderstanding. I had already read the links from ohimpecuniousone then someone said link from Sam, I didn't see a link from Sam, because there was not one. Just a misunderstanding. Thanks for the links.
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