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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How to be sexy, as a guy?

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Author Topic: How to be sexy, as a guy?
Member # 109991

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Hello People,

I am on the lookout for possible new girlfriend or maybe just some dates. But I dont know what really do women find attractive or sexy or anything about a guys behaviour or should I act to be flirty or to turn someone on? I know what I like about girls, for example, good sense of humour, certain kind of vulnerability, warmth, playful sometimes, 'evil' in a good way etc..but I dont know what is it for girls, what is it I can do that will make them feel the same? Sorry if I sound basic, I am not very experienced

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Sam W
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Hi Dylan,

So, point one to keep in mind is that all women are different in what they like and/or find attractive in a guy. So no approach is going to appeal to all women (I'm willing to be you knew this, but sometimes it helps to hear things restated).

That being said, I think a good starting point is to be genuine. That is, don't try to come up with a persona that you'll use in the hopes of getting girls to like you. If you're not a macho tough guy? Don't try to act macho. If you're not the sensitive artistic type? Don't try to act like that, and so on. Because that's exhausting to sustain.

As far as physical appearance goes, dress in a way that makes you feel confident and comfortable in your own skin. Again, everyone has their own tastes.

Finally, talking is important. Finding common interests or experiences to discuss can help both you and the person you're talking to feel more comfortable and relaxed. Joking and having a sense of humor often helps as well, if for no other reason than, again, making someone laugh tends to make them feel more comfortable around you.

If you haven't, I recommend checking out the blog Dr Nerdlove. It's dating advice for gents, without all the scuzzy bits, and you may find some of the advice on their very helpful and more detailed than what we might be able to get into here.

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Executive Director & Founder
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Pro-tip: there's no one way to be sexy for women, either. Not for people of any gender.

Sexy is a word that can either be about how YOU feel in terms of your sexuality or sexual appeal to others, or about how others perceive you and other people.

But like Sam said, all of that is highly individual and arbitrary. You, here, described what YOU find sexy about some women: but what you do is someone's else's idea of totally NOT sexy, while there idea of what is might be something that you don't find sexy yourself.

There's no one way to do it or experience "sexy" based on gender or anything else. And, of course, people's dating and relationship choices also are not always based on that in the first place, and how much they are is yet another thing that varies widely amoung people and people's different wants at any given time in life.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Also, Dylan, I'm hearing you ask lots of things about how to go about relationships, what things to do/not do, about things that people around you are suggesting are things to do/not do. It's sounding like you're trying to figure out whether "rules" other people are suggesting are actually rules or not, and what "rules" you could follow yourself.

There's a book I'd like to suggest to you that might really help you find your own way with this, and also to understand some of the people around you and why they're sometimes coming up with things that don't feel right to you or that we're saying aren't right or aren't helpful. It's "Rewriting the Rules" by Meg Barker. If you're interested, it should be easy to find online and available to you in a library.

The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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Member # 109991

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Thanks for all the great advice.
Posts: 51 | From: Ireland | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 109991

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Another question. It feels like a long time since I had sex. There are maybe 4 or 5 girls at work who are physically attractive and seem like nice people. Should I try and sleep with them? I know they are superficially interested in me. the thing is although I get on with them and they are nice and even nice looking. I dont feel any particular connection to them. Like, but If I dont sleep with any of them it could be a long time before I have sex again.
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Hi dylan. We can't really tell you whether or not to have sex with any of these women, as that's entirely up to you (and them, obviously). However, what we can tell you is that having sex for the sole purpose of "might not have sex for a long time"? Not such a good reason.

When we go into sex with a goal like that in mind, it tends not to be very good sex for either person involved, as it's not really about sex as something done with another person. It makes it be only about fulfilling your desire to not go "too long" without having sex. Basically, it treats the other person as a means to an end, and object to play a part in helping you fulfill your goals.

What having sex SHOULD be about is wanting to have sex with that particular person. So, do you actually WANT to have sex with any of those PEOPLE? Not for the reason of having sex, but because you want to have sex with them?

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Member # 109991

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I'm not sure. IT seems like a waste that there are like 4 or 5 attractive women who fancy me and I don;t do anything about it. My friends who are not quite so blessed in the looks department but are funnier, or sharper, or more confident try so hard to get attention from women and fail a lot. It doesnt seem fair that I have all of this opportunity and yet I do nothing about it, it feels shameful because it should be my friends who have this attention from girls not me. I dont think i deserve it.
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Maybe it's time to step back and remember that sex, or even sexual attention, is never something you or anyone else deserves. It is true that some folks might have an easier time making sexual connections with people than others, but your sex life and your friends' are completely different matters, and I think trying to compare them too closely isn't going to be the best plan.

It's not a "waste" to not have sex with folks you aren't particularly interested in. These women have value beyond being people you could potentially have sex with, you know? If you're really interested in someone, and you think there's some mutual interest, not acting on it could mean a wasted opportunity for sex or intimacy, sure (although there are situations where it still might not be a good idea, such as when you're co-workers, depending on your work environment), but it doesn't really sound like that's the case here.

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