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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » different ideas on sex and when to do the deed

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Author Topic: different ideas on sex and when to do the deed
Member # 46336

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I'm not really sure where to start so I guess I'll give some background info first.

I've been with my boyfriend for a month now and while he's the first person I've dated, I have had a sexual encounter in the past. He's dated two or three other women but we're both still virgins.

Things have been going really well for us; we're both good about trying to keep open and honest communication, even if things get a little awkward. He knows I don't have much experience when it comes to relationships and he's good about asking if I'm comfortable with things.

A few nights ago things got a little heated and we fooled around a bit but there was no penetration. We talked about it the other day and while I was happy with it, he seemed a bit worried and admitted that he wanted to wait for marriage before he had sex. He explained that he thought sex ruined relationships if not taken seriously and that he didn't want to hurt me or have an unplanned pregnancy.

I can understand where he's coming from and I'm trying my best to respect his wishes, but I also think that its important to have a sexual compatibility. I don't want to wait for marriage because I can't see myself marrying someone without knowing them or dating for several years. I just feel that sex is important whether you're married or not.

I don't think I'm ready for sex just yet anyway, but there's still that confcting viewpoint and it bothers me.

I guess I'm unsure of how to bring up the issue again without being dismissive of his views, since he's already expressed himself. I don't want to push him for something he's not happy with, but I also don't want to deceive him by letting him think that's what I want too, or to hope he'll change his mind.

I'm also unsure of whether he's mostly afraid of hurting me since I'm inexperienced or if he's had a bad experience in the past or if his religious views play into it at all.

Sorry if this is a little long winded - I'm just a bit lost and trying to articulate what's goinng on in my head.

Posts: 8 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

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Hi ollie,

So, when you're boyfriend mentioned his views on the matter, did you mention yours? If not, and if this is something important to you, I think making them explicit sooner rather than later is a sound plan. I would add that you may also want to have a conversation (possibly a separate one) that outlines very clearly what activities you're both comfortable with.

People get to have differing views and desires about when they want to do certain sexual things. And that's okay (as long as no one is trying to pressure their partner into doing something they don't want). In your case, are you concerned that the differing views on sex between you two might mean that you might have to break up?

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Member # 46336

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Hi and thanks for the quick response. I did agree with him that we weren't ready right now and told him I understood where he was coming from, but I didn't outright say that I didn't want to wait that long. I should have but I know I'll have to. I don't want to keep things from him.

Talking about what we're comfortable with is a great idea. I'm not worried that this is going to make us break up, it's just... not something I'm entirely sure of how to approach. I'm really happy with him and would eventually like to have sex, I just don't know how to handle waiting that long.

Posts: 8 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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How about approaching it in a way where you make clear that you of course can respect his choice to want to wait, and of course will not be sexual in ways with him he does not want or is not comfortable with, even though you do not share his beliefs about why?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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