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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My relationship

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Author Topic: My relationship
anon-79
Neophyte
Member # 110646

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So, a couple of things. I'm 18, and I was/am? a virgin, and this is gonna be a long post.

I got into a relationship with my bf around 8 months ago. I've kind of had one relationship before that never went further than 1st base, so my current is the first one I've gone past that with.

Within the first 4 months, we went from 2nd to 3rd base, no problem, but he never made me orgasm within all that time. When we kissed I would get horny and wet but he went down on me once, didn't finish me, and never again since then.

Then, by the 6th/7th month, he kept pushing for having sex with me. So, we tried (with a condom on each time). He's rather small (around 3.5-4 inches) and we were both nervous so he didn't manage to get it in the first two times. So by this time, he was insecure (also about his body) and we didn't do anything besides blowjobs for the next while.

Then, 2 weeks later, he was in the process of going down on me, and he was also hard, and he pushed for us to have sex. I said no, because he didn't have a condom on him. I thought he would just go back to going down on me but instead he just went ahead anyway. He was inside of me for around a minute, before I pushed him away.

SO! First question: 1. my friends thought that was rape, but I didn't think so, but I was angry at him for not listening (and I also had a bit of a pregnancy scare NOTE: first time having sex) so we broke it off for a bit. WAS THAT RAPE? He won't accept it, but he does accept he made a mistake so we moved past it.

2. Also, I really don't want to get pregnant and have to have an abortion (I'm in college, i'm 18, he's 21) so how do I get a nuvaring? (I read reviews, they seemed pretty good).
My mom is protective of me, but has sorta guessed that my bf and I are having sex, but we haven't really talked about it, so any ideas on how to talk to her about it?

tl;dr 1. Boyfriend didn't listen, penetrated me without a condom when I told him not to - is this rape? 2. Mom is protective, guessed we had sex, but we haven't spoken about it, how do I convince her to let me go on BC/nuvaring?

Thanks!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Welcome to the boards, anon-79.

So, rape, or sexual assault, is when someone does something sexual on, inside of or to someone without their express permission. If we say no to someone about something they want to do sexually and they do it anyway, that is indeed sexual assault/rape. Legally and by literal definition.

Refusing to use a condom is also a kind of abuse and assault, one currently called reproductive coercion.

Our best advice is that if and when you are with someone who sexually assaults you, you do all you can to get away and stay away from that person, because you know they are not safe for you. The fact that your boyfriend simply thinks of this as a mistake is troubling to me, and suggests that this most likely will happen again, since he's not acknowledging he assaulted/abused you -- and more than once, there's a clear pattern here -- and you're sticking around so he has the opportunity to do it again, you know? To boot, it is mighty hard to have a healthy sexual relationship with someone who assaulted you.

So, again, my best advice is to get away from this person.

But that is obviously going to be your choice, and either way, we can certainly talk with you about how to access birth control. In fact, if you do not yet feel able to leave this relationship, it seems like one thing you can do to try and keep yourself somewhat safe in the meantime is to at least have a method of birth control you control, since this guy clearly cannot be relied on to cooperate with a method he takes part in.

You don't have to convince your mother, you also have the option of getting a method yourself. Which would you prefer: help talking to your mother about this, or help finding where and how you can get a method yourself?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
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edit: cross-posted with Heather

[ 06-24-2014, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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anon-79
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To me, it wasn't rape. I understand that he did something wrong, and I've accepted it.

I would prefer both.

I don't have my own separate insurance (I use my parents') and I'm also currently with a pediatrician and need to change doctors.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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The trouble is, this really isn't a matter of opinion: sexual assault and rape are crimes that do have legal and practical definitions (just like, say robbery or homicide do), and they all center around people doing things anyway either when someone says no, or without asking in the first place.

But if you'd prefer not to talk more about that, I will certainly respect that.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say you would prefer both? You mean you would both like to talk about discussing this with your mother AND find out how to access a method without her?

If so, per the former, if you give us an idea of where you are -- or you can do this yourself using the link in the menu up top for "help near you" -- we can see what is available near you per public health or sliding scale clinics.

With your mother, if you want help with that, perhaps you can fill me in on what you feel like you need in order to be able to ask her?

[ 06-24-2014, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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anon-79
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I live in New York City so anywhere in midtown to lower manhattan or queens is fine.

I'm just not sure how to bring the topic up to her, as in how to start the conversation, and convince her to let me go on birth control.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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So, you have yourself some serious options.

The easiest way to go about this, then, were you to go it alone, or have your mother be involved, but still go through a clinic, is to go to a Planned Parenthood branch. You have a lot of branches in NYC and the burroughs, so finding one within reach is going to be pretty easy. Planned Parenthood clinics all use a sliding scale (based on your income, not your parents) for people without insurance, or who do not want to use the insurance they have.

You're a legal adult, so none of this is about convincing your parent to "let" you use birth control methods. It's not up to them, because you're an adult in your own right. (And even as a minor, in many places, it's still not up to them.)

Knowing that, is this then about wanting your mother's support or help in some way?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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anon-79
Neophyte
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I guess I just sort of want her support in some way, so in case birth control fails, it's not the end of the world and I can manage to get an abortion (hopefully without my school or anyone else knowing)
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, too, that also would not be dependent on her: that is something you could also access on your own. (I'm not sure why you think a school would know anything about your reproductive healthcare choices, including abortion: that care is private and separate from school unless you're getting it through a school. Same goes with anyone else: it's up to you who knows about any of that, because it's up to you who you share it with.)

But it makes a big difference with any of this to have some support and access to help when you need it.

So, how about just asking her to sit down with you, and coming right out and just saying you'd like to get on a method of birth control, and would like her support in that, and help, if she's willing?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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anon-79
Neophyte
Member # 110646

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Thanks
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Sure thing.

If you need more help with any of that -- including talking about the dynamics in this relationship -- you know where to find us. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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