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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » This is not a crush

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Author Topic: This is not a crush
thesameoldstory
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Member # 110631

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I'm a virgin and have never been in a relationship, I have never even kissed anyone and I have only had one crush (which I consider to be something that is more than just sexual attraction to a person) in my entire life. A crush that has now lasted for 3 years. People say that crushes come and go, while this one hasn't gone anywhere. He is a very good friend of mine, our families are very close friends, and we work together. Basically, I spend almost all my time with him between work and family dinners every weekend, plus us just hanging out. He is 2.5 years older than me. I masturbate to photos of him and I do feel a little guilty about this. I have never told him how I feel about him. Friends keep telling me to just get over it because it is just a silly crush. But it started out like that, but now I feel like it is more. It started out being all new and exciting and made me feel almost drunk, but now after 3 years it feels comfortable, constant, and warm. I have no experience and my friends continue to just say it is all based on lust, which it is not. I like his personality, I am content to spend time with him without having sex, and I admit that lust is part of it, but it is NOT all of it. The thing that makes this the hardest is that the friend that I usually go to for advice is him and that isn't an option in this case. How do I get over this? Or should I try to talk to him about my feelings? Or I am obsessing and need therapy? Is this abnormal? [Confused]
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OhImpecuniousOne
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I think it probably is a little unusual, but mainly because usually, someone who felt like that about a person would have told that person and asked them out. Is there a particular reason why you haven't decided to do that?
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Edith_*
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Hi there, thesameoldstory! Welcome to Scarleteen! [Smile]

Truly, I don't think that having a crush -- be that for a week or ten years -- is something wrong. Feelings are feelings and there's nothing bad or wrong about them. You feel the way you do. That's okay. [Smile]

People might say a lot of things around this but what it really matters is YOU, you know? Do you want to tell this person about how you feel? If so, is there something holding you back?

You say you already spend time together, and you are already in a relationship with them so, even if that doesn't make it easier does it make it desirable? (you talking to them about your feelings)

They probably feel the same as you. Probably won't. That's also okay. Even when someone tells us they don't feel the same about us and while that could be a bummer, just speaking out about how we feel can gives us something good in return. What do you think? [Smile]

--------------------
"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it " (...'cause no one else will) -Gandhi-

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thesameoldstory
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I think I probably should tell him, I want to tell him. I just don't know how. I mean, I feel like I am pretty mature for my age and I know a lot about how to deal with life. I work and go to college and support myself and I can handle all of that, but I have no idea when it comes to relationships. I don't even know how to have a conversation like that.

What does kind of hold me back a little is I'm scared he will be hurt or mad. I'm scared he will think that I've been friends with him this whole time just because I want to get with him or something like that.

Plus isn't it wrong for me to ask him out, because I'm a girl. Doesn't it make a girl slutty id she does the asking?

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OhImpecuniousOne
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Do you mention that you feel mature because you think the age gap would be a problem? Or am I just totally misreading that? [Smile]

Generally, the best way of having those kinds of conversations is to be as honest and straightforward as you can. You've explained how you feel really well here to us, so if you want to tell him, do the same - just to him instead. That makes it more nervewracking, of course. [Wink] But it's worth it.

It sounds like you know him pretty well, so you can probably take a pretty good guess at whether or not he'd react badly if he doesn't feel the same way. Honestly, it's unlikely - having someone tell you that they like you romantically is really, really flattering even if you don't feel the same. But you know him - does he tend to be mean or have a temper? Does he disregard other people's feelings, or make fun of people when they're vulnerable? I'm hoping the answer to all those is no. If it's not, then I'm not sure he's great dating material.

Why would it be wrong for you to ask him out? Who does it hurt? How d'you think same sex couples get by? [Razz]

"Slutty" is a pretty meaningless word: it's a word used to make girls and women feel bad for making their own decisions, instead of following the unwritten rules that exist in other people's brains, which girls and women are supposed to somehow telepathically know, and for some strange reason give a **** about. There are as many different definitions of "slutty" as there are people nasty enough to think about other people in such terms, and if you want to avoid being "slutty", your best bet is probably to never leave the house or interact with anyone you're not related to.

[ 06-22-2014, 02:39 PM: Message edited by: OhImpecuniousOne ]

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thesameoldstory
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I don't think the age gap is a problem. I mentioned that I'm mature, just to show why not being experienced in this type of stuff freaks me out, because I feel really secure in every area of my life except when it comes to this. The answer to all of those is no. He's always super considerate and he has never hurt me or mocked me. I guess I'll just go for it then. Thanks for the advice [Smile]
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OhImpecuniousOne
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Ah, well - everything takes practise. If being confident and competent in one area of life meant you were as confident in other things, then everyone's lives would be much easier. [Big Grin]
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