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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Being Punished by Sister!

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Author Topic: Being Punished by Sister!
dylan19
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I recently broke up with my girlfriend of a few months as I think things were not working out.My sister has been asking me about my love life now and how things are going for me. The problem is, when I tell her about girls that show interest in me but I do not feel the same way, which happens occasionally, she gets angry and starts telling me in a way that my standards are too high and kind of emotionally punishing me. The worse thing is that she keeps suggesting people in her social circle that I could hook up with. If I say or act like i'm not too sure, she goes on a rant saying that I am superficial and I am judging them on appearance and that I am too full of myself etc. Recently I went to a pub with some friends and one of my sisters friends was there, actually she is nice looking girl and a nice enough person, but we dont have anything in common and I dont really fancy her. But from halfway into the night she kept making really sexual jokes with me, and trying to isolate me from the others and sitting beside me and leaning really close to my face and I felt I needed to get out of there because it was so akward and I was worried if she made a move and I declined she would be humiliated or angry or akward in front of the group. A few days later my sister asked how the night went and I told her that I think her friend is into me and I dont feel the same way. again my sister got irritated..then annoyed..eventually angry..basically again making out that I am just this guy with stupidly high standards who is too good to lower his standards. This is not it, I don't care about standards, I just want to meet people i have something in common with and am attracted to..how can I do this while maintaining a good relationship with my sister? I am a good looking boy,I don't say that with huge pride (it has brought more unhappiness in life than the opposite), but I am not confident or assertive or very extroverted..and rather than 'make moves' it is usually girls who are picking to hit on me. Maybe that is the problem.
Posts: 51 | From: Ireland | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jacob at Scarleteen
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Hey Dylan,

I am sorry to hear your sister has been so aggressive towards you. I don't think it is right for anyone to scold us for resisting sexual advances which we don't want.

Have you asked why it would upset her?

Women do get a lot of flack about their looks so it seems to me she might be upset about that but really misdirecting it at you.

Does that sound likely to you?

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OhImpecuniousOne
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Another thing I'd be interested to know is why your sister is so intent on setting you up with people - have you asked her to help you meet people? Do you really dislike being single, so she's trying to help but getting it wrong?
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dylan19
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I told her a few times it was unfair, and why is she treating me like that, to which she usually gets even more annoyed. She used to date a really sleazy guy who was always ogling other women including much younger women. She is actually stunning looking herself and there are so many guys who want to date her..not to mention she has a great sense of humour and amazingly magnetic personality..she also has a dark side, her scary temper.I have tried to talk to her but she seems to retreat into stubborn angry mode and is more interested in scolding me than confronting her own reactions.
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dylan19
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Well, it is like this now, but she has always reacted in a very different way. example, her and her friends/sisters are perfectly happy to gawk at male models, male actors, male singers and say out loud 'what they would do to them' if they had the chance. But If I even mention (not necessarily to her, but just in earshot) how a woman looks, even in a complimentary way, she turns on me and calls me shallow and superficial etc.Its been going on for years, I try to explain to her how extreme the double standard is but she wont listen. Im not walking around commenting on womens bodies all day or anything remotely like that. She says I never discuss with her aspects of women like their personality, their humnour, their intelligence etc..but the first thing is that this is not true. But it is true that I rarely discuss women with her because I dont really think it is appropriate to spend a lot of time discussing with a sibling your sexual or intimate feelings whether they are about personality or looks.
Posts: 51 | From: Ireland | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
dylan19
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Another thing I'd be interested to know is why your sister is so intent on setting you up with people - have you asked her to help you meet people? - No I have not asked her but maybe she is worried that I will rebound to someone unsuitable and she thinks one of her friends is a better idea. I dont know.
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Onionpie
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Hey dylan! So it sounds like your sister isn't really listening to you and isn't respecting your requests of her. You could try asking her why she's trying to set you up with people, but in the end it kind of doesn't matter WHY, just that you don't want her to! So it seems like the time to set some firm boundaries!

Such as: "Sister, I know you think that you're helping me with my love life, and maybe you're concerned about me making mistakes that could be avoided. But in the end, they're my decisions to make and I'm really not comfortable with the suggestions and comments you are making. I feel like our personal lives are not something we should talk about with each other; I will respect your privacy, and I'd like you to respect mine. So, I would like you to stop trying to hook me up with people, and stop criticizing me for things you perceive me to be lacking in. I appreciate your concern for me but this really isn't the way to show it."

How about something like that? Lots of "I" statements and starting and ending with a positive sort of "giving the benefit of the doubt" does a lot of good for things like this as it makes the atmosphere less aggressive and critical. Of course, if people don't want to respond well then they're not going to, but at least it won't have been anything to do with the way you said it [Wink]

If, after you've said that, she still makes comments or suggests people you should go out with, stick with short statements that re-iterate the boundary you've set. "I'm sure so-and-so is a lovely person, but as I said, I do not want you to try to set me up with people." Like a broken record, so that she'll eventually get bored!

If you say your spiel and she goes "but <blahblahblah reasons you should listen to her>", let her finish her speech and then stick with the boundaries: "I understand that you feel you can help me with this, but that doesn't change the fact that I am just not at all comfortable with it." And again, like a broken record.

Sticking with boundaries can be really hard when you're not used to doing it, but it really pays off in the end. If you stick with the "I don't want to hear your suggestions" route, she will quickly 1. get the message or 2. just get bored because who wants to keep trying to have a conversation when the other person just says the same kind of stuff?

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dylan19
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Thanks for this great advice
Posts: 51 | From: Ireland | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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