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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I cheated I guess

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Author Topic: I cheated I guess
juliadiana24
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Member # 110532

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I had sex with this random guy I don't know and I've been talking to this guy I've completely fallen for, rob, but things haven't been exclusive. He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet and we'd been talking for 3 to 4 months hanging out and stuff. I told him about the random guy situation and he got very upset. To me, he shouldn't be as upset since we weren't exclusive, but I felt so terrible about it and still do. It happened on Saturday night and I told rob last night. He is very upset and I told him I wouldn't give up on us because I've been like in love with him for 3 years and finally got the chance to be with him and I do this? I'm an awful person for this. I don't know how to begin to fix what I've done even though I don't think rob has much of a right to be mad as he thinks. I don't want to lose him and I'd do anything to keep him, but I don't know what to say, do, or where to start....
Posts: 11 | From: VA | Registered: Jun 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
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Hi juliadiana, welcome to Scarleteen! If you two hadn't discussed exclusivity, it's pretty unreasonable for this guy to be upset with you. If no agreements were made about monogamy, then there were no agreements for you to break. It seems like this guy would like for there to be exclusivity in your relationship, which is something you two would then need to discuss. But he shouldn't be holding you accountable for "cheating" or betrayal when there had been no discussion about exclusivity -- after all, you're not a mind reader, so you can't be expected to know what he's looking for in your relationship.

Moving forward, it sounds like there needs to be a discussion about what kind of relationship the two of you are looking for, and agreeing on some ground rules if you do want to both be in the same kind of relationship. But I do think you should make it clear to him that while you understand he feels very hurt and you really regret that, it's not really fair to hold you to something you never agreed on or were even told about. But you can decide to agree on some sort of exclusivity or not going forward.

Also, I would like to say that you shouldn't feel obligated to agree to an exclusive relationship out of feelings of guilt, if that's not something you want. It's also not a very good sign that rob is getting upset with you for not following these magic rules that he set in his head and never even talked to you about, let alone agreed with you about. So it sounds like may not even be a good person to make that sort of agreement with, as committed relationships need really open communication. So if you do still want to consider having a more exclusive or formal relationship with him, I think it'd be important to also have a talk about the need for open communication if he wants to take part in a relationship; no more assuming that you know what's in his head.

So, do you know what sort of relationship you're looking for here with this guy, what sorts of things you want and need in a relationship? Do you think you'd be able to start a discussion about relationship models and boundaries?

We have a couple of excellent articles about this stuff if you'd like some ideas:
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

[ 06-09-2014, 10:00 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
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I also want to say that being in the headspace that you think you would do "anything" to hold onto a relationship isn't the healthiest. When we feel so intensely desperate for something, we tend not to make the best decisions for ourselves, you know? And especially when it comes to relationships, making sure that you're entering into a healthy relationship that fulfills what you want and need in a relationship is very important. So feeling like you NEED to be in a relationship with this guy no matter what, can risk having you wind up in a not-so-great relationship.

Those links I previously provided discuss this more, so I definitely suggest reading them. I also really recommend this article:
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For

I know that's quite a bit of reading, but they're really useful articles and will definitely help with thinking about all of this! [Smile]

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
juliadiana24
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Member # 110532

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I am supposed to have a talk with him in a bit, but I'm not sure exactly how to speak with him about it... My words never come out right. I feel he shouldn't be as mad since our relationship had not been official, but it was without being spoken about between us. I'm not sure what to say to him...
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Onionpie
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Have you read the articles I provided? They discuss communication a bit, which might give you some ideas. We also have this one about communication about sex, but it can also be helpful for figuring out how to talk about relationships as a whole, too:

Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

We can also help you figure out kind of a go-to script of a few things to say, as it's easier to say something when you have a couple of sentences in your pocket that say exactly what you want! [Smile] So we could help you with that if you want?

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
juliadiana24
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Member # 110532

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I wish it could've helped... He was pretty upset but acted like I've been the only one to do wrong in our relationship, but he's done quite a bit of things too! I had to agree to end it over the phone, which is dumb, but I'll be okay... I feel a bit at peace to be exact
Posts: 11 | From: VA | Registered: Jun 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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