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Author Topic: My best friend slept with my ex...
lizzylala17
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I broke up with my ex boyfriend of two years around 8 months ago. He was my first everything---first love, first sexual encounter, first heartbreak, you name it. The breakup was an ugly one. Recently though, I've met someone new and I'm absolutely thrilled to be with this guy. He's wonderful and we get along great. Upon learning that I was seeing someone, my ex began contacting me, telling me he still loved me and wanted me back. I don't want my ex back. I'm happy in my new relationship. I tried to make that clear to him as nicely as possible. After about a month of absolute no contact with my ex, I went to a party where my VERY drunk best friend confessed to me that she had been fooling around with him, and seemed to have no regrets when I confronted her the next day. I'm completely crushed. She's the only best friend I have. My friend has very low self esteem and jumps at any boy who shows her attention, but I figured she'd know better than this. I can't help but think he's using her to try to get to me, since just recently he wanted me back. I'm supposed to room with her in the fall when we begin college, but how am I supposed to trust her now? Should I keep her around? Do I even have the right to be mad since I'm dating someone else?
Posts: 45 | From: Lousiana | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
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Hi lizzylala,

So, why exactly do you think you feel this way towards your friend? It sounds like you are (and have been for a while) done with your ex and are happily with another guy, so why do you think you're mad at you friend for fooling around with him?

[ 06-02-2014, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Oh, man. You know, I once had a t-shirt like this, only I got it in the 1980's and, thank goodness, have long since lost it.

Since you already know the right-now-in-this deal, what I think I can best offer you is the way-way-after-the-fact view, paired with what I know from sex and relationships education and young people being my job.

That's this: it seems to me that it sometimes takes people time to learn that friendship is really the core of everything, and that our friendships really are sacred. It also often takes people time to figure out how to just talk out something potentially -- or knowingly -- uncomfortable with someone in advance rather than leaping in and making a big mess to try and clean up later.

Too, it sounds like you know this is an area of weakness for her, one where she's already been struggling to find her footing.

If I am getting it right that she only got involved with this guy AFTER you two split, this strikes me as less of a betrayal, and more of a gaffe on her part. She may even have assumed that you were so way over this guy, there was no need to talk to you.

How about talking to her first, and before that, figuring out for yourself what it is you are upset with her about?

Is it that you think all exes are off-limits to friends? or that she kept this from you? Or that maybe it's even this guy, rather than her, you feel upset with, since for sure, hooking up with your bestie sure sounds like him hinging in on your intimate relationships in a pretty ugh-ish way. Or something else.....?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lizzylala17
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I feel betrayed almost? I mean this is the guy that cheated on me and totally ripped my heart out, and now he's sneaking around with the one real friend I have. I wouldn't have dated any of her exes, because I know she would be mad. But in her mind it's okay to date mine? I guess I assumed that was an unspoken friend rule, haha. I'm worried about the possibility of them actually beginning a relationship, because I don't want him to be in my life at all.
Posts: 45 | From: Lousiana | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lizzylala17
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I feel like he's using her to get back at me somehow. Like, "if you don't want me, I'll just go after your best friend" kind of behavior. I really don't know how to act or feel towards either of them.
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Heather
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Oh, man, you DO have the t-shirt I got in the 80s. You must have found it in a vintage shop. [Razz]

I don't mean to be flip with that comment, but I hear you, and yep, sounds familiar. I get the betrayal being about your best friend shacking up with someone who was crappy to you: there is a loyalty piece there that of course is going to hurt like hell.

I think what you say here, in both your responses, about this being a friend you so value, about feeling betrayed in this way, and about wanting -- needing -- this guy out of your life so you are scared she'll get involved with him and you will have to lose a friendship to keep him out (that's what happened to me, and man, did it stink)? This is all really valid stuff. Same goes with any double-standards she may have around all of this: also valid.

It sounds like you really don't want to lose this friend. So, how about asking her to talk with you seriously (and soberly), soon, where you can say all of this and see if you two can't talk it out? Or at least get started doing that?

My big ping around this conversation would be to see if, before you have it, you can't separate the anger you have with her with the anger you have with him. For instance, if he sought out someone he knew was vulnerable AND closely connected to you, she may have gotten played here, too. But most of that is really going to be on him, not her. Of course, if you can't get totally clear on who you are angry at around what thing, you can also just open by telling her that that is a bit muddied for you, and something you can't get totally clear on just yet.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Heading out, but I just had a thought I figured might be helpful, so tossing it at you as I run out the door.

If you need an opening to some of this conversation that's pretty fair, and also on point, I think saying something like:

"I really, really need this guy away from me, far away, and out of my life. He was terrible to me, and he keeps trying to push his way back in, worse still. In fact, I suspect sleeping with you was one way he was trying to do that -- and also another way he was trying to hurt me -- which I realize would be rough for us both, if so, and is something we can talk more about if you want. But here's my big conundrum: YOU I want in my life. But this guy? I need all the way out, and I need my friend to support me in that. Some of where I feel so hurt here is that you hooking up with him makes me feel very unsupported by you.

So, while I have a bunch of things I want us to try and talk through, one thing I hope we can come up with a good solution to is how I can still have you, my friend I love, in my life as I want, but have this guy out and, hopefully, have your support in keeping him far away from me and my life. I'd hope you're willing to work on that with me, and I hope that's something we can work out together."

Or something.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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